He cheated...

  • nsnhjkj

    Posts: 11

    Dec 07, 2011 10:57 PM GMT
    Well I've been with this guy for about 5 months and we have had an amazing relationship. It started out meeting online...went on a couple dates while I was visiting the state he lived in(that I was planning to move to)...we were in love (or so I thought) after the first date and for the next month we talked long hours on the phone every night while in different states waiting for the time when I finally move and we can be together.

    I move in with him, share rent, and everything was going really well. I realize that moving in with someone that fast was foolish, but I followed my heart and didn't care because I loved him so much. Now, 5 months later I just found text messages with other guys on his phone trying to do hook up with other guys. I didn't have a lot of time to look at them before he came in, and I have no idea if he's actually pursued any of them. All I know is that my heart is crushed. I held it together last night after discovering it and didn't say anything to him, but today I've been in tears all day while he is at work. He'll be home soon and I don't know how to go about this...

    Initially I was going to just pack up and leave a letter expressing how much he hurt me, but then thought it would be better to face him when he gets home. I'll probably burst into tears but I really don't know how to approach it. He has no idea I know. Anyone ever had to go through this that can help me out? I still love him and wish this were all a dream, but I know I can't go on with someone that I can't trust. Help?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2011 11:31 PM GMT
    Just confront him straight on. Tell him to be honest, what his intentions were, and decide then where to take your relationship. Sorry dude. I know it must be rough...
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    Dec 08, 2011 4:59 AM GMT
    Sounds like you jumped the gun by moving in with him so fast, but that doesn't give him the right to cheat on you, if indeed he did. Your not in the wrong, just talk to him, see what he says and if he is full of shit about it. You have nothing to lose from confronting him.
    Sorry man that totally blows.
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Dec 08, 2011 5:37 AM GMT
    He's going to deny it of course.. Did you look at the dates of the text messages? Some people don't delete their messages and delete them when their phone is full. I've never been in a relationship before, so I can't give advice other than the fact you need to confront him.. As for what I would do, me knowing my temper, Id be waiting around the time he gets home for him to see me packing my car up and leaving.. When he questions what am I doing I would say maybe you should be looking at your phone..
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    Dec 08, 2011 5:59 AM GMT
    hotdudefl said As for what I would do, me knowing my temper, Id be waiting around the time he gets home for him to see me packing my car up and leaving.. When he questions what am I doing I would say maybe you should be looking at your phone..


    oh wow thats so dramatic. lol.

    what you really should do is get him hard, pretend to give him oral, and then put a pair of scissors around his penis then start asking questions.
  • socalisurfer

    Posts: 68

    Dec 08, 2011 6:00 AM GMT
    Like two other posters said on here confront him about it. I went through something very similar over a year ago. Talk to him, see what he has to say and be prepared to make a decision as to what you want out of this relationship. Sorry dude, I know it's rough and we've all been through very similar situations and have made it through. You will too.
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Dec 08, 2011 6:03 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra said
    hotdudefl said As for what I would do, me knowing my temper, Id be waiting around the time he gets home for him to see me packing my car up and leaving.. When he questions what am I doing I would say maybe you should be looking at your phone..


    oh wow thats so dramatic. lol.

    what you really should do is get him hard, pretend to give him oral, and then put a pair of scissors around his penis then start asking questions.


    LMFAO
  • mtnjock

    Posts: 104

    Dec 08, 2011 6:05 AM GMT
    i'm sorry he cheated on you, but honestly any relationship where one guy cheats on his partner, and the other is going through his partners texts is not a healthy one. one of the earlier posts said you did nothing wrong- while you may not have cheated, isn't going through someone's personal property considered wrong anymore?! seems like you both have some relationship issues you need to work out before pursuing any serious relationship
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    Dec 08, 2011 7:45 AM GMT
    I really hate these privacy zealots. When you're in a committed relationship, living together and using the "love" word, you don't have "private" texts anymore. Sorry, but it's ultimately a small price to pay.

    Not only do I think the OP did nothing wrong, I commend him for his detective efforts. Good man.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Dec 08, 2011 7:46 AM GMT
    Without going into the issues of your relationship (fell in love on the first date!); you already know you don't trust him anymore. Can you envision him saying anything that would change your mind? If not, you know what to do.
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    Dec 08, 2011 7:51 AM GMT
    MindAndMatter saidI really hate these privacy zealots. When you're in a committed relationship, living together and using the "love" word, you don't have "private" texts anymore. Sorry, but it's ultimately a small price to pay.

    Not only do I think the OP did nothing wrong, I commend him for his detective efforts. Good man.

    I agree to an extent. I've also never understood when people say that it's bad to go through your partners texts. If feel like if I were ever in a relationship, then I'de have nothing to hide and wouldn't mind if my partner picked up my phone. If we both feel the same way about it, then neither of us would even feel the need to look through the others stuff. I don't think you should play "detective", but looking at your partners phone, especially when you have only been together for a few months. seems ok to me.
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    Dec 08, 2011 7:52 AM GMT
    That's why I don't like adam4adam and Grindr....people use those sites to cheat on their boyfriends that they LIVE with.

    And somebody gonna try and tell me that it has nothing to do with the sites icon_rolleyes.gif

    Snype saidI've also never understood when people say that it's bad to go through your partners texts.


    If the fucking U.S. and Canadian border patrol can go thru somebody's texts, the hell can I not go thru someone I live with texts.
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    Dec 08, 2011 7:53 AM GMT
    thin about this... in your heart you really didn't trust him or you'd have never gone through his phone
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    Dec 08, 2011 7:54 AM GMT
    Have respect for yourself, or nobody else will...my recommendations:

    1. Tell him why you are breaking up/moving out
    2. Ask him to tell his side of the story (don't let him spin lies or create a gray area when there is none)
    3. Move out and move on...this behavior doesn't stop, especially if he knows he can do it and get away with it.

    Side note: privacy of text messages is only brought up as a peripheral argument, this is not the issue at hand (don't get distracted)...so don't feel at fault, you can debate privacy after you move out.

    STAY STRONG! Don't tie up your time with a loser/cheater when the guy you will spend your life with is out there looking for you.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 08, 2011 7:54 AM GMT
    Hope you wore condoms???icon_idea.gif- yet another reason why men in relationships or not should wear one- everytime. Even monogamous ones those are the ones that end up positive. Heard so many men say this. I'm not neagtive about the situation, I'm a realist.
    I always wrap my meat up!! Always.

    nsn you will get over it-live and learn just think how much worse it would be if he infected you!!!! Avada had a great suggestion!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Dec 08, 2011 7:56 AM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidHope you wore condoms???icon_idea.gif- yet another reason why men in relationships or not should wear one- everytime. Even monogamous ones those are the ones that end up positive. Heard so many men say this. I'm not neagtive about the situation, I'm a realist.
    I always wrap my meat up!! Always.


    I used to do BB sex with my boyfriends, but the more I started hearing stories, the less inclined I became.

    Nowadays, it's not something I'd be found doing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2011 12:52 PM GMT
    Whatever you decide, just realize you'll never trust him again. Not fully. It sucks, but it's how it is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:11 PM GMT
    Trust is a hard thing to build but an easy thing to loose and even harder to get back.

    Considering what you have just found it is difficult indeed. The seed of doubt has now been planted and it grows quickly. Trust but verify I say. Confront him, ask him and get your answer directly.

    If you can't trust someone then how can you communicate with them?
    If you can't communicate with someone then how can you trust them?

    You'll get over it. Consider this a nice little lesson learned in life. Also nobody just finds text messages. They aren't just laying around for just anyone to see. If they were I'm sure you would've found them 5 months earlier. LOL.You didn't trust your bf to begin with and your snooping has now confirmed your suspicions or whatever reason you had to not trust him. Again, lesson learned.
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:20 PM GMT
    Everybody I've ever dated or shaged had either boyfriend or girlfriend or even a wife. I think most of men are polygamous by nature and you can't change it. So my suggestion if you need that person in your life is try to be reasonable, smart, loyal and stop checking his phone. It doesn't belong to you after all icon_smile.gif
    Or just dump this guy and follow your dream to find someone to live up to your standards...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    Did you know before or after you dated/shagged them, copy_paste, that they had significant' others?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    Some people told me before that they were in relationship, some people tried to be discreet... However it was quite obvious they had someone... I have very good intuition lol
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:37 PM GMT
    Well, I have personal experience with this, a year after me and my boyfriend had been going out I was online looking for guys, just to cam with. No harm right? I'd never tell me boyfriend, but it's not cheating yeah? So I was fooling around with this guy, lived far away from me, in the same region though. Amazing body, and he's like give me your number. I don't know why I did it, but I did. Then he'd text me saying I'm gonna fuck you so hard. At first I was like woha, this is too much. I don't wanna fuck this guy, or do I? Anyways, I messaged back saying I wanted to fuck. But it wasn't real, was kinda like oral porn haha. Just being dirty. I never deleted the messages, and always left it around my boyfriend. Then one night he comes in crying, at first I was shocked, this thing which just felt like fun had made him the most upset I'd ever seen, like a part of me had died within him. I was shocked at first, so I lied not having time to think. But he caught me. But none of it felt real. But to him it was everything. After that I spent the next week in tears, we got back together after many nights of tears and tears. 2 years later and we're fine. The impact was huge on me. I understand what I did now, I'd confront him, it was hard for my boyfriend aswell, he tried. But only ended up in tears. But he might not realise what he's about to lose, although with me my intentions were never to go as far as meeting or anything. It's mainly the attention I needed, especially after we stopped having sex and I gained 20 pounds. But yeah, talk to him. Don't assume what is what. Second chances do exist. I'm proof. However, I do believe if he has cheated, you ow have the right to make it even. I still feel guilt after what I did to mine, It's sounds crazy but i'd kill for him to cheat on me so I'd feel like the balance was even. But yeah. I'll go now haha.
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    Dec 08, 2011 1:59 PM GMT
    So you're saying even after knowing that some of these people had significant others (whether they told you or whether your intuition figured it out) you still fooled around with them? That's shady.
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    Dec 08, 2011 2:04 PM GMT
    It's only cheating if the guys he cheats with are ugly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2011 2:07 PM GMT
    So it's only cheating based upon looks then. I had no clue.

    So what happens if the guys are hotter then you? Is that considered an upgrade? LOL.