Drama. How would you handle it? (Personal Story)

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    Dec 08, 2011 10:17 PM GMT
    Friend: "Hi, are we friends or what?"

    Me: "Yeah, and I know we haven't been talking like how we used to but it is near the end of the semester for me and I guess I'm putting everything with you and I on hold for the time being. That and so far there isn't much to talk about."

    Friend: "Wow ok. Whatever"

    Me: "It's just easy for now. You don't have to feel offended. I haven't forgotten about you."

    Friend: "Out of sight, out of mind right? That just makes me wanna say fuck you when you come home; you don't wanna 'try' to maintain a friendship while you're gone away, why should I 'try' to maintain a friendship when you come home and have nothing better to do?"

    Me: "I think you're overanalyzing it as though that's how it's always going to be but do what you wanna do. It makes sense given the time between when we stopped talking up until now."

    Friend: "I don't get the justification of you dictating that we're gonna be 'friends' when you come home? It's as if saying I don't need you as a friend until I'm sitting home in my room with nothing to do."

    Me: "Ok ______. I'm done with this drama. Seriously. If you can just stop looking at the little details and more at the big picture you'd probably better understand and be less emotional. If you don't wanna be friends because you're not satisfied with right now then good-bye."

    Friend: "Why don't you explain it to me instead of assuming that I should know and automatically understand? Cuz right now it seems to me that you haven't changed one bit. So instead of getting defensive, tell me what the 'big picture' is so that I'm not sitting here for weeks thinking that you're still a giant douche?"

    Me: "I'll tell you later. I'm having dinner with a friend."

    Friend: "I'm working til 11. Are you really gonna contact me later, or are you just saying that"

    Me: "I will contact you when I can. I have to study for an exam tomorrow but I'll keep an eye on the time."






    I thought I'd post this as I find it highly amusing and also because I'm just wondering if I said anything wrong. Basically what happened was, this friend and I have had a complicated type of relationship and there came a point where we had an argument and didn't talk for a couple of months. We recently reconciled and I didn't have a problem with them until this happened. Now, I really don't know if I even care to be friends with this person. They think I'm still this insecure person where I feel as though I'll have "nothing to do" and be wallowing in self-pity like before. But what they don't know is I've changed and I am happy with who I am and the people in my life. This really isn't phasing me as much as it probably would have a few months ago. Friendship doesn't necessarily require as much work as they ask for and I'm not dating them. It's like if they don't get that I have a life that doesn't revolve around them. So what I'm asking, basically is how would you handle this situation if this was something that was constant for the past year and a half?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    Your friend's being a little bitch by acting hurt and damaged when you're only trying to be objective and rational. Still, if you've recently moved and left this friend behind, he might honestly be hurting from not having you as a ready, platonic friend to talk to or immediately be around. Or, he could just be acting like a little bitch.

    Your intention was succinct and to the point. I hope you kept your end of the bargain by calling him after 11; the princess doesn't need anything else to cry about.
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    Dec 09, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    catch saidYour friend's being a little bitch by acting hurt and damaged when you're only trying to be objective and rational. Still, if you've recently moved and left this friend behind, he might honestly be hurting from not having you as a ready, platonic friend to talk to or immediately be around. Or, he could just be acting like a little bitch.

    Your intention was succinct and to the point. I hope you kept your end of the bargain by calling him after 11; the princess doesn't need anything else to cry about.


    Read the pharagraph, its been going on for a year and a half. I mean, yea I wouldnt be friends with the guy. I have been hurt by friends in the past, and at a certain point you just need to say enough is enough.

    Edit: just for clarification, fierce you did nothing wrong, this guy has issues that is all.
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    Dec 09, 2011 12:18 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidYour friend see's you as more than just a friend. They probably can't admit it, but he or she is in love with you and feels you drifting away.

    The friends from adolescence rarely last. We grow into becoming our own person and we change and we drift apart.


    Yea very true, I dont keep in touch with my adolescent friends very well. Ironically enough I hang out with my brother's adolescent friends, as they are much more mature (also 4 years older than me)
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    Dec 09, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    Thanks guys! I appreciate your input.
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    Dec 09, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    Reject those who want to be your friend so you'll know that all the friends you'll have are just the people who you want to be friends with.

    Discard those you befriended before you made changes in your life so they won't hold you back from changing even more later. You don't want to be stuck with too many friends.

    When a friend expresses feelings, denounce them as a bitch or presume that they are in love with you. Friendships work best without feelings like love. Those who express feelings are fools. This way of thinking will make it easier for you to leave them flat when more useful friends come along.

    Just because people put time and effort into their relationships with you doesn't mean you should put forth any effort into maintaining their friendships, especially when it is inconvenient, like when their life gets difficult. Friends are only good when they are there for you, not when they need you to be there for them.

    Old friends are best kept in year books than in person. You can look them up later in life on Facebook, when you are old and alone and wondering what happened to your old friends who you once lead to believe when it was convenient to your life that you liked them.
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    Dec 09, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    I read it as a combination. Friend sounds a on the needy side. Fierce, I think you were a bit cold to him.
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    Dec 09, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    You did nothing wrong. Told him exactly what the relationship is from your perspective, completely honest. He doesn't like it, but that's just the way it is. You did sound pretty much indifferent to him, but again, if that's how you feel, then you showed it well.
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    Dec 09, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    this is pretty cold:

    Me: "Yeah, and I know we haven't been talking like how we used to but it is near the end of the semester for me and I guess I'm putting everything with you and I on hold for the time being. That and so far there isn't much to talk about."

    try this:

    "Sorry, its near the end of the semester for me so I've been really busy with school. Lets catch up over lunch or dinner when I am home."

    I mean, do you really have to tell him that you are putting things on hold and that there isn't much to talk about anyways?
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    Dec 09, 2011 4:51 PM GMT
    I agree with Avada that you need to phrase your responses carefully. You were pretty much provoking him by saying that you are putting the friendship "on hold." I have friends who attend college out of state and we NEVER EVER say that to one another, even though we don't talk as much as before. However, it seems like you don't want to be his friend either because friends are their for each other whether physically or emotionally. He's wrong on his part to for not being considerate of how busy you may be.
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    Dec 09, 2011 5:07 PM GMT
    I was on the flip of this a few years ago, where someone I thought I could count on suddenly didn't have time for me, at a time when his input and levity would have really helped. I had put in a lot of time to this friendship including helping with DIY stuff at his house, being a good listener etc., so this was a rude awakening.

    In a word it sucked. I can relate to your friend even though the circumstances are different. He didn't choose for you to be busy, and even if he can understand your busyness on a rational level, on a gut level he is sad and resentful. When someone is hurting (regardless if you caused it) they may phrase things badly... what they are saying is coming through the filter of that hurt. If you could keep that in mind when dealing with him it would be appreciated by one who has been there.

    kthxbye
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    Dec 09, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    Are you sure you two are just friends? It sounds more like a long distance relationship kind-of-thing.
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    Dec 09, 2011 5:13 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidthis is pretty cold:

    Me: "Yeah, and I know we haven't been talking like how we used to but it is near the end of the semester for me and I guess I'm putting everything with you and I on hold for the time being. That and so far there isn't much to talk about."
    try this:
    "Sorry, its near the end of the semester for me so I've been really busy with school. Lets catch up over lunch or dinner when I am home."

    I mean, do you really have to tell him that you are putting things on hold and that there isn't much to talk about anyways?

    I disagree. I think the friend is quite clear from what he's saying and that the statement Avada points out substantiate what the friend says.

    If you're not keeping in touch while you're away and "there isn't much to talk about", then I wonder whether you really have any interest in this guy. I'd feel very used and hurt, like your 'friend' if someone I cared about (friend) basically only bothered to keep in touch when he was home and bored.

    Just tell the guy, I've moved on and therefore I no longer have a desire to invest time and effort into maintaining a friendship with you.

    I mean really, don't friends make an effort to at least say hi, how's it going? What up? What's new? Even if you're busy you can squeeze those in between classes but if you can't do that then I'd question your loyalty to the friend. It has nothing to do with being needy, it has to do with treating a friend with respect and valuing that friendship that appears, from the conversation, to pretty much be one way.
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    Dec 09, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    I can see where all of you are coming from, but I think that you are all reading this as though I was being malicious (?). Granted, my wording might have been off, but after the whole argument with us it was too much drama. I meant nothing malicious when I said "putting it on hold". I followed up after saying how I haven't forgotten about him in an attempt to comfort the situation.

    I know explaining myself seems pathetic but all my friends say he's pretty controlling. I have such a steady relationship with every one of my other friends. It's only complicated with him because he thinks that I'm not acknowledging our friendship. The time he texted me I was studying for a final and I guess I didn't want to get into the drama because I knew what was coming. He isn't as understanding as one would think. He thinks I'm being self-righteous when really I'm just trying to live my life here at college. He lives at home and isn't experiencing what I'm experiencing and it appears to have made him bitter. I couldn't think of anything to contact him about because honestly I have a hard time communicating with people who make me feel like shit and so I wanted to focus on me and when I returned home from school, we'd hang out and restart our friendship.

    A better approach would have been, "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while, everything okay?" to which I would have replied, "Yeah everything is fine. Just have been busy that's all. (explain about the end of the semester and everything)" Then he could say, "We should hang out when you come back home" and I would reply, "Of course!" and then he'd say "Yay! I have new sheet music or whatever. Can't wait to catch up!" I'd be like, "Same! I gotta get back to studying though. I'll ttys!" You'd be like, "Okay. byee"

    This is what all my friendships are like. He's the only one who has a problem with me if I'm not giving him attention. I don't ignore him when he contacts me but if I'm working on something, it's hard.

    I don't have Facebook, so I can't communicate with him on there, and we are on the computer at completely different times. So while I'm not by my desk or hanging our with my friends here at school or studying, I just don't think of it. I could see if we were more than friends but we're not. I treat him just the same as I treat everyone else in my life. Give them the same attention and make myself happy. Those who see I'm happy go with me as I do with them and their happiness and reciprocating, those that don't or aren't satisfied don't have to waste their time if they don't want to. I'm not going to adjust to their needs just because it gets them upset.

    It's like take me or leave me.

    There are many ways to approach this situation. His was very irrational, assumed and immature.

    That's my intake.

    Feel free to snowball off of that.
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    Dec 09, 2011 5:45 PM GMT
    Didn't sound like you were being malicious at all, but just willing to put him in his place, which you probably didn't need to do, of course unless you wanted to. Could have been very simple: "Real busy with school, exams. Not on-line much at all." Then if you wanted to be non-committal about anything in the future, add "Hope all is well." Otherwise, you could add "Hope to catch up with you on the semester break." Period.
  • bigtits

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    Dec 09, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    I can understand where your friend is coming from .You're not too busy to hang with your other friends or hang out on this website,are you!?!icon_rolleyes.gifYou are what we call a "sometimey"friend!
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    Dec 09, 2011 5:51 PM GMT

    It sounds to me like you two are on different pages. He wants to have a certain kind of friendship with you that you don't seem to want to have with him. That happens, it's happened with me. I had a rough spot with a close friend and after several months of not speaking, we reconnected: Problem was that I wanted to reclassify his friendship as something less than what it was (for the reasons that we had our spat to begin with), and he wanted it to be like it was before. I held no grudge, but I didn't see him as the same close friend that he used to be and so he wasn't much of a priority for me. He didn't care for that, gave me drama for a bit, but eventually settled into "we hang out when it's convenient for both of us, and when we do we have a good time."

    Your friend will either get on the same page as you, or he won't. That's his call, since you don't really seem to care either way.

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    Dec 09, 2011 5:54 PM GMT
    I deal with it by making an even more dramatic exit
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    Dec 09, 2011 6:53 PM GMT
    Good explanation OP.

    For 4th & 5th grades I wound up in a different school than I'd been in preK-3, my parents having moved to another part of the same small town. The classes recombined in 6th and thru high. So while I had many of my friends from earlier afterschool, I had to remake new ones in 4th & 5th during. Then back in 6th, I'd found that some of my old friends had formed new groups which didn't include my new friends, or me because I'd been out of that school for 2 years. Well, I wanted back in.

    I didn't know how to bring my new friends (from 4th & 5th grades) with me and so I let go of a lot of those friendships to re-establish the friendships I'd enjoyed preK-3 and I succeeded in that. But I felt terrible about having then lost my newer friends and worked to rectify that. Some never forgave me for being so young and so stupid and so selfish. Some probably forgave me (as they are friendly today when I see them) but probably they never trusted me again and I am sorry for that. But some of those friends are still very good friends today.

    That includes one extreme control freak who about two or three years ago, when he was between girl friends to control so tried getting his claws into me, I wound up not just hanging up the phone on him but throwing my cell across the fucking room, breaking it. Friends can piss you off. But we're still friends. I stayed with him & his new girlfriend in Jersey on my last visit (love her, she's a tough bitch who doesn't put up with his shit) and we spoke just a few weeks ago because he had to cancel a trip down to see me.

    I've seen how badly I treated some friends when I was 11, but in the nearly 44 years since, I have come to only cherish my friends. Even the ones who have fucked me over as adults. I may never trust some of them again, but I will always love them. Cherish is the word.

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    Dec 09, 2011 8:33 PM GMT
    Just move on, sounds like its too much to deal with
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    Dec 09, 2011 8:43 PM GMT
    If I were your friend I would have said "eff u." He has a point. I had a "friend" like you once, who, since we weren't as close, decided to downgrade it to "just friends." So I said whatever. What she meant by just normal regular friends was that she still kept me around only to help her with shit.

    What I would suggest is that your friend not give a shit or two as much about you. I learned not to care too much about friends, especially the close ones. Because then they pull this BS on you.

    He has a valid point, why should he try and maintain a friendship when you are nearby when you won’t take the hassle to maintain it when you are far away, when it matters the most if your friendship survives.

    And the fact that you brush it off at the end like nothing shows how much more your friend is better off without you.

    Idk friends who deem lessening the value of a friendship to better suit their needs aren’t really friends to me. Some of us take friendship a little bit more seriously. Just my opinion.
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    Dec 09, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidthis is pretty cold:

    Me: "Yeah, and I know we haven't been talking like how we used to but it is near the end of the semester for me and I guess I'm putting everything with you and I on hold for the time being. That and so far there isn't much to talk about."

    try this:

    "Sorry, its near the end of the semester for me so I've been really busy with school. Lets catch up over lunch or dinner when I am home."

    I mean, do you really have to tell him that you are putting things on hold and that there isn't much to talk about anyways?



    This is exactly what I was thinking. " Bitch,Let me just put your ass to the side.I'll talk to you later,I'm having dinner with another friend."


    You should have just told him you were busy with school & finals.
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    Dec 09, 2011 9:18 PM GMT
    I had a similiar situation with a friend. I went off to another town to college while she stayed home and worked. She got pretty upset that we wouldn't talk like we used to in high school, but I was making new friends and busy with school. I don't think she understood that people from high school were moving on to other things in their lives.

    I understand how you feel, but I think you were being a bit cold to him/her. I was personally annoyed with my friend, but just let her know that I did miss her, but I couldn't help what was happening. It's hard to stay in contact with people who you don't normally see everyday anymore.

    Just offer to hang out when you guys are in the same area again, but he/she kinda has to understand that you guys are moving on in different directions. It's normal and happens to everyone
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    Dec 09, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
    Sounds like his needs are not being met and he is bringing some crap from prior experiences of nothing to do with you and flinging unresolved past angst onto you. He is lonely and somehow it is has become your fault.

    In the immortal words of Fritz Perls:
    I do my thing and you do your thing.
    I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
    And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
    You are you, and I am I,
    and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
    If not, it can't be helped.
  • bigtits

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    Dec 09, 2011 10:30 PM GMT
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYDtnEt0UQU