I despise saying this but "FML!"

  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Dec 12, 2011 6:35 AM GMT
    Warning: Self pity ahead:

    Tonight, 6 years of my life was taken from me. I spent 6 (almost 7) loving one guy. We had our ups and downs but at the end of the day we'd work things out. But it just ended. Just like that. I feel like an enourmous piece of me is missing right now. And it will be a constant reminder, people asking, my family, the holidays, etc.

    How does a relationship go from "You're the only guy I've ever wanted" to a text message of "It's all the way over. We just need to let it go and forget we know each other"? That last part crushed me.

    We both made mistakes but I spent the last year trying to rectify them with every ounce of effort I have in my body. I have a bunch of slutty friends who are constantly jumping from guy to guy but for some reason I'm not wired like that. I can't just push someone out of me. I told someone I loved them and I that was it; I've never looked at anyone else like that ever. We never got married but you can commit to someone without getting married.

    It's funny, I went to Catholic school and I was a jock. I got outed my junior year of highschool and other then one person in my small school (who I'd previously had altercations with) I never had a problem. I went on to a fraternity in college and again, never had a problem with being gay. I made it such a small portion of myself that I guess people figured "Oh, he's a cool guy who happens to be gay." I've only found it gotten more complicated and harder as I've gotten older. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. All my friends from my hometown are married and have kids now. And I'm just sort of, alone. I know the new tagline is "It gets better" and I'm sure it does. Sometimes.

    When I was young, all I wanted was to follow in the footsteps of my older brother. College, grad school, career, married his highschool sweetheart and best friend, 2 great kids. Pretty much the American dream. I achieved the first 3 and there's not a damn thing I can do about the rest. I don't get alot of gay relationships and I apparently don't get relationships in general. That should have been me.

    I'm not the suicidal type and I certainly wouldn't harm myself but alittle piece of me wishes I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. I feel at 29 that the sands of time have slipped away and left me with having accomplished nothing in my personal life. I invested alot into there and its just crashed. I'm sitting here alone with one of the dogs and a watch I'd bought him because the blue dial reminded me of his eyes when I saw it. No reason, it just made me happy to think that he'd like it. But now he doesn't want it or anything to do with me.....
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    Dec 12, 2011 6:54 AM GMT
    Just curious, was this your first long term relationship?
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Dec 12, 2011 7:03 AM GMT
    No, I had one before that that started in college. That one was over for awhile when we were both "seeing other people." I'd already met this guy. We parted as friends in that one because it just wasn't going to progress any further.

    Really this one was 6 years "seriously", before that we were just hang out buddies for about a year before it progressed to "dating."
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    Dec 12, 2011 1:53 PM GMT

    "I feel at 29 that the sands of time have slipped away and left me with having accomplished nothing in my personal life."


    So then, begin. icon_wink.gif
    I met Bill when I was 34 and he was 32. Tomorrow is the anniversary of our own private vows and commitments we made to each 22 years ago. Two years ago we were legally married.

    We're monogamous.

    We're not rare, either.


    warmly,

    -Doug

  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Dec 12, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    "I feel at 29 that the sands of time have slipped away and left me with having accomplished nothing in my personal life."

    Thanks, I'm a writer so I think I have a flair for the dramatic from time to time. I do just sort of wonder where the 24yo me went and I look back and go "man, I should have done more."

    Things look slightly better today.
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    Dec 12, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    melloyello said"I feel at 29 that the sands of time have slipped away and left me with having accomplished nothing in my personal life."

    Thanks, I'm a writer so I think I have a flair for the dramatic from time to time. I do just sort of wonder where the 24yo me went and I look back and go "man, I should have done more."

    Things look slightly better today.




    That's the spirit! *rubs mello's back*

    -Doug


    PS I suspect you've learned quite a bit over the last several years about loving and how you go about it. Now you have skills to apply when it happens again.
    That someone could be a jerk enough to end such a long relationship via a text should make letting go a little easier. icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    melloyello saidI feel at 29 that the sands of time have slipped away and left me with having accomplished nothing in my personal life. I invested alot into there and its just crashed. I'm sitting here alone with one of the dogs and a watch I'd bought him because the blue dial reminded me of his eyes when I saw it. No reason, it just made me happy to think that he'd like it. But now he doesn't want it or anything to do with me.....

    Of course you feel that way. Also, of course, you are totally mistaken about your future. But you do feel that way right now, it's very real to you, and you gotta work yourself outta this.

    What would you do if this break-up was not a choice, but due to some tragic accident or illness that suddenly took him away? Quite a number of us here have been through that. Often little or no warning, no choice, no decision on anybody's part, one moment he's just gone from your life.

    You get hit like a football tackle, that knocks the wind out of you. And that's happened to you. But there's always the "what next" question. And at 29 you're gonna have plenty of answers. "Sands of time" indeed! BAH!

    Try losing your partner at 55 to death. Just when your looks have finally left you, your heart is broken, your will to live barely there, and you haven't dated in years. But I did come back, and so will you. At 29 much better than I did.

    Have your pity party, you earned it. But I'm starting a clock, and you get 6 months max. At the end of that time, or sooner, I expect us to hear about your new guy, and other new interests in your life. And if I hear that sands of time crap again I'm gonna kick that sand right in your face! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:12 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear that. But I'd like to think that there are better guys out there for you! Hang in there but don't get sad for too long! I am sure that things will work themselves out.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    Nothing that I put here is going to improve your life right now. This stuff happens, and it really sucks. I'm sorry that it happened to you, and that your ex wasn't man enough to end things in a face-to-face conversation. Sending a breakup text seems like a no-ball approach.

    Here's a question for you. I know you're feeling a little lost and maybe a little sick to your stomach. Which is worse -- this feeling or how you felt when you wrecked the M3? Just wondering where you are on the scale.

    It'll be sucky for a bit, but things will get better. And hopefully you'll find the real guy of your dreams next. You know -- the one you wouldn't have met otherwise.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    melloyello saidI feel at 29 that the sands of time have slipped away and left me with having accomplished nothing in my personal life.


    You have to ask yourself is this is really true. It seems to me that completing college, grad school, and a starting career is not "nothing." I know it feels true, but the reality of the situation is that it's not. Buck up. ;)

    Do you think maybe this relationship wasn't the best thing for you? That maybe you were clinging to it out of fear of being alone/desperation to have what your older brother has? Seems like that could be a possibility. Maybe now you have a chance to find a guy who is more right for you -- someone who shares your vision for the future.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Dec 13, 2011 6:44 AM GMT
    1. You're falling for the somewhat heterosexist idea that you need to be coupled (and/or with kids) in order to be fulfilled. Perhaps this is a wish, but know that even should you remain single, you will still lead a very exciting, fulfilling, and fruitful life.

    2. I get you though, in that our heterosexual counterparts are seeming to progress and lead different lives with different priorities than we do. Instead of trying to conform to that, you can instead embrace the difference and be happy as yourself.

    3. You are hurting, and nothing that we can say will ever help with that. However, know that with time, and living your life, this too shall pass, and you will meet a guy someday. A very nice guy, who is sweet and handsome, and will be able to open himself to you. And then this will be yet another distant memory.
  • josh995

    Posts: 157

    Dec 13, 2011 10:30 AM GMT
    Welcome to Gaydom.

    Truth is, most gays die alone and pathetic. The average homo relationship is what, 1 year?

    Homos are generally useless are far more superficial than heteros which is why they die alone. If you were straight you would probably bounce back quickly, but being gay, your man has to be perfect...perfect body, perfect eyes, certain skin color, jock, perfect cock, perfect job etc, etc. That's how most gay guys I know are. In comparison, most of my straight friends are in normal relationships.

    Being a fag is a curse.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Dec 13, 2011 11:38 AM GMT
    That is some major suck-factor, mello. The way it ended is only salt on the wound. I think it's pretty awesome you got through much of your twenties in a steady relationship. If you were able to accomplish that, then I'd say you're definitely relationship material and it's just a matter of time before someone else recognizes that. The trick'll be picking the right one, obviously.

    For myself, I met my partner of 16 years (so far) at 28. Given that others here have said started even later, I think the notion of a "use by" date on gay men is nonsense.

    Give yourself some time to grieve and make 2012 all about you. When you're back in the right frame of mind, it'll happen again.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    josh995 saidWelcome to Gaydom.

    Truth is, most gays die alone and pathetic. The average homo relationship is what, 1 year?

    Homos are generally useless are far more superficial than heteros which is why they die alone. If you were straight you would probably bounce back quickly, but being gay, your man has to be perfect...perfect body, perfect eyes, certain skin color, jock, perfect cock, perfect job etc, etc. That's how most gay guys I know are. In comparison, most of my straight friends are in normal relationships.

    Being a fag is a curse.


    Nothing like a little self-hate to start the day. I think you are selling the gay community short by over-generalizing. The things you state in your post illustrate the superficial attitude that some guys embrace, but not everyone subscribes to this mantra. Since you refer to your straight friends as having normal relationships, you must be struggling with accepting your own sexuality.

    Considering the divorce rate in America, I doubt that straight people have the secret to making a relationship last figured out.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:54 PM GMT
    yeahim40 saidNothing that I put here is going to improve your life right now. This stuff happens, and it really sucks. I'm sorry that it happened to you, and that your ex wasn't man enough to end things in a face-to-face conversation. Sending a breakup text seems like a no-ball approach.



    It'll be sucky for a bit, but things will get better. And hopefully you'll find the real guy of your dreams next. You know -- the one you wouldn't have met otherwise.


    This. As I read your post, I (like many here I'm sure) felt your pain. We know how sucky it is, and how much it hurts- let it hurt. Be thankful you are able to feel those feelings. Feeling those feelings -whether it be the deep deep love you so apparently had for him, to the sadness and hurt you feel of losing that loved one- is really living and you have lived life and survived it icon_smile.gif

    Things will get better. It's cliche but : time heals all

    My best.
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    Dec 13, 2011 2:01 PM GMT
    I'm not trying to be mean here and i know you are going through a lot of grief right now...... A lot of us go through a lot of changes and there are those that don't. Some of us become more or less roommates and some are ok with it and some aren't. It's hard for some people to make changes if it means hurting some one else. Usually in those cases resentment builds up and things can get nasty. i feel for you, but i also know things aren't always permanent. Relationships are good for people, they help to make us stronger and confident. They feed our needs, but when they do change we are at a loss. It's no fun being a loner.....I trust that you'll fill that void.... you've already reached out by venting. Take care....r
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    Dec 13, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    Little things like this make or break you, buddy. Are you gonna sink or are you gonna swim? It's fine if you wanna cry a pool of self pity for one and wallow in it. Considering the amount of time you invested into this guy that's actually understandable. Just don't wallow too long or you'll get washed away and you will eventually drown.

    Now that that's over it's time for you to just work on letting it go and walking on past it. He let you go and he's the one who ended it for whatever reason. It sucks. There's nothing you can do about it. NOTHING. You didn't waste 6 years of your life. If that's how you feel then you that's your bad for not making the most of it while you were together and only focusing on the negative. You merely had an experience that lasted for 6 years and it didn't end the way you would've liked it to. They call that Life and it throws all kinds of doosies in your way no matter what path you take.

    You take what you can from the 6 years you had with him and improve upon it for the years to come without him in it. Nothing is stopping you from living but you. Don't let this break-up be the end all of the possibility of finding someone to have in your life. Also don't think that you need someone in your life. Just be happy, be yourself and live to the best of your ability be it single or attached.

    Like Morgan Freeman said in The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living or get busy dying."
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    Dec 13, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your break up. You have every right to feel the way you do, so go ahead and feel bad. Cry it out and mourn. It will get better.
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    Dec 13, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    Between the first love and the right person there is a lot of hurt, learning and growing. The tough thing is you do not get it until you finally meet that person. Just hang in there. icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 13, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    melloyello saidNo, I had one before that that started in college. That one was over for awhile when we were both "seeing other people." I'd already met this guy. We parted as friends in that one because it just wasn't going to progress any further.

    Really this one was 6 years "seriously", before that we were just hang out buddies for about a year before it progressed to "dating."



    Forever is only a romantic notion, an unrealistic delusion. Stars go Super Nova all the time so trust in the universe that nothing, nothing lasts forever. It's a gay predilection that things should not change, relationships should last forever and we should never age. Obviously this kind of thinking will bring a lifetime of disappoint because we live in a constantly changing dimension.

    Go with the flow, realize that only now ever exists and appreciate all that you have gained from 6 years of love and life. You havent lost anything except a unrealistic romantic projection on what the future would have been with him. In your realm of romantic mind fucks just consider that the future with him could have been equally horrible.
  • chet101

    Posts: 76

    Dec 13, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    josh995 saidWelcome to Gaydom.

    Truth is, most gays die alone and pathetic. The average homo relationship is what, 1 year?

    Homos are generally useless are far more superficial than heteros which is why they die alone. If you were straight you would probably bounce back quickly, but being gay, your man has to be perfect...perfect body, perfect eyes, certain skin color, jock, perfect cock, perfect job etc, etc. That's how most gay guys I know are. In comparison, most of my straight friends are in normal relationships.

    Being a fag is a curse.


    I TOTALLY AGREE! THIS IS PERFECTLY SAID AND IT IS THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS GAY WORLD WE NOW LIVE IN!!!!!
  • zenmonkie

    Posts: 228

    Dec 13, 2011 5:29 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]chet101 said[/cite]
    josh995 saidWelcome to Gaydom.

    Truth is, most gays die alone and pathetic. The average homo relationship is what, 1 year?

    Homos are generally useless are far more superficial than heteros which is why they die alone. If you were straight you would probably bounce back quickly, but being gay, your man has to be perfect...perfect body, perfect eyes, certain skin color, jock, perfect cock, perfect job etc, etc. That's how most gay guys I know are. In comparison, most of my straight friends are in normal relationships.

    Being a fag is a curse.


    That's a pretty sad, cynical view on the world you've got there. It really only reflects how you feel and is only YOUR truth. Perhaps for many this is their truth as well, but I'd say this only accounts for about half of us. I'd say if that's how most gay guys you know are, maybe you're not hanging with the right crowd.

    And "heteros" have just as many relationship issues as homos, if not more when children get involved, and they too may die alone and pathetic. Sorry, but to think this is strictly a gay problem is just idiotic.

    Oh, and just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to be a fag, so, speak for yourself.
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    Dec 13, 2011 5:35 PM GMT
    some great replies, and some sad replies as well. I too have just realized the 'its over' part, and its really over. While it was only the standard "1 yr" relationship, it doesnt make it any less painfull. at 29, you have alot of life ahead to look forward too. I hope you find some peace, and can move on...

    all the best to you.
  • zenmonkie

    Posts: 228

    Dec 13, 2011 5:37 PM GMT
    melloyello saidWarning: Self pity ahead:

    Tonight, 6 years of my life was taken from me....


    I feel ya. It's a difficult path trying to fix a relationship, one that requires honesty, forgiveness, and patience on both sides. If these aren't there, it wasn't meant to last. I'm in the process of rebuilding a 5-yr of my own.

    But, unfortunately, when it's over, it's over. And while you may prefer the end of the relationship to be long and drawn out, and while it may hurt more to have it severed so bluntly, ultimately the end conclusion is the same. It also may very well be that he has his own shit to deal with, and once he gets through that may be ready to come back, but don't count on it.

    It's going to suck for a while, then it's going to get better. You may be friends in time, or you my never see him again. Either way, chin up.
    All things must change.
  • zenmonkie

    Posts: 228

    Dec 13, 2011 5:40 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said


    In your realm of romantic mind fucks just consider that the future with him could have been equally horrible.


    I'm putting this line in my movie, hope you don't mind icon_biggrin.gif