Angry, Sad, and Lost

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    Dec 12, 2011 10:39 AM GMT
    I don't know what to say. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm looking for answers... maybe I'm looking for attention. I don't know. I need to express this to someone and a group of people who don't know me personally seems like a pretty good target audience since it won't have any direct effect on my life. You guys don't really like me anyways and I don't blame you. I wouldn't like me either.

    I feel so fucking angry all the time and completely dead inside. I hate sex and masturbation; I'm completely incapable of empathizing with others; I haven't experienced any sort of emotional connection with another human being in over 5 years. I only hang around other people because my mom was REALLY getting obnoxious about how I was becoming antisocial and reclusive. Hell, sometimes I lie about where I'm going and drive around for a few hours so that she thinks I'm being social. Everybody is so fucking stupid and worthless. Nobody's worth my time.

    I started coming here because I needed help coming to terms with my sexuality and a gay community with a masculine common interest seemed like a good way to do that. I now find myself even more bitter and frustrated about being gay because so many of the people I see on the forums piss me off to no end with their stupid fucking whiny bullshit drama or they come across as total pretentious fucks. Most of you don't even seem to have an interest in health or fitness. Why are you even here? I really hope none of you are an accurate representation of the gay community.

    I'm losing my train of thought. Complaining about this website is not why I'm writing this.

    I'm writing this because it's starting to become a serious problem. I'm alienating everybody I know. Last week, a friend called me just to chat. I hate talking on the phone. I told him his calls were pissing me off and I didn't have time to listen to him talk about his stupid fucking life. I then proceeded to tell him never to call me again unless he had something important to say and I hung up on him. I haven't heard from him since.

    Last month, I started screaming at a woman in the grocery store because she was complaining to the guys working at the deli about how slow they were going. If you want them to move faster, then SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET THE FUCKING GUYS DO THEIR GOD DAMN JOB. STANDING THERE AND WHINING LIKE THE FAT FUCKING CUNT YOU ARE ISN'T GOING TO HELP THEM MOVE ANY GOD DAMN FASTER. After that, there were 15 or so people staring at me in awe of what just happened, so I put my basket down and walked out of the store. I have little to no control over this. It's like a switch goes off in my brain and I start seeing red and words are just coming out of my mouth.

    My road rage is just on a whole different level.

    Some days, I'd really like to watch the world burn. It takes a good majority of my willpower not to repeatedly rape people who piss me off in the eye with a god damn pair of scissors (read: everyone).

    That said, I only act like this about 20% of the time. The other 80%, I don't feel anything. I might cry or fantasize about suicide when I think about the current state of my life. I just feel like such a useless piece of shit.

    I frequently worry that I'm ultimately going to die completely alone, never having been loved because I'm incapable of reciprocating any form of positive emotion and having lost everybody I know to my utter crap personality. The worst part is that this doesn't worry me because I crave human contact, but because I feel like I'll have failed as a human being since we're expected to surround ourselves with people who love us and I don't seem to be able to do that.

    I'd really like to just curl up and disappear sometimes.

    What the hell is wrong with me?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    seek counseling. ur obviously going through a really rough period in life. talk 2 a professional.
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    Dec 12, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    It sounds like you haven't come to terms with your sexuality and that's your crutch. You don't empathize with others because you don't empathize with your self.

    For the time being, forget the others and start working on yourself and work your way out into the world.

    The first step is an introduction to your therapist. Good luck.
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    Dec 12, 2011 6:34 PM GMT
    This lifestyle is what you make of it. Everyone's experience is not the same so I would say stick to the people who have positive things to add to you. I also think you need to talk to someone. You're too young to be so angry and I would hate to hear about anything bad happening to you, either from your own hand or someonelse's. I hope things get better for you and you're able to enjoy life again.

    Take care
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    Dec 12, 2011 6:38 PM GMT
    Well. You seem like a little ray of sunshine...

  • shawn06

    Posts: 337

    Dec 12, 2011 6:41 PM GMT

    To throw a little humor at your situation.

    Ok but really sir you need to practice self control, stop throwing tantrums when you know its gonna happen. Learn to simply walk away and leave it alone. If you want to get anywhere near a relationship then you need to tolerate what people say and do to a certain degree, learn to listen and stop being selfish. What you have is no discipline and no social skills, skills that we are taught as children and perfect as adults. Apologize to your friend who called you, ask for help, explain this to someone close to you who might be willing to see you through it.

    Other than that give it time and I bet you will find the right guy. Though do try to work on yourself first and get to a point where you will be able to handle a committed relationship. If all else fails then consider seeing a doctor about your depression and maybe they can help you.
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    Dec 12, 2011 10:43 PM GMT
    Sounds like you have a lot going on. Your anger is probably a symptom of lots of different things. Not just being gay.

    You need counseling. You really, really do. Please take this advice. If you don't have the money for it right now (I don't know your financial situation), there are places that do it free. Please look into this.

    You also need friends. You said in your post that you crave human contact. You might start by calling the friend you cursed out and offer a sincere heartfelt apology -- and a desire to see him, to make up, to connect again. Tell him you're sorry for what you said, and you're sad and you need to talk. Maybe he'll meet up with you at Starbucks or wherever.

    It will be OK, but you need to start taking these steps in order for it to get better.

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    Dec 13, 2011 12:40 AM GMT
    I see that on February 11 you gave some good advice in reponse to a post from someone else in a similar situation. I think it would be helpful to go through your posts, dig that one up, and consider applying your own advice to your current situation. You expressed dissatisfaction with therapists (not on this post) but really I think its plain that you need some assistance from someone who's professionally trained to help you get over this speed bump in life. I hope things get better for you.

    Edit correction: mistype - the date was Feb 18
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    Dec 13, 2011 12:50 AM GMT

    I think you are maybe just a tad crazy. Neurotic, yes. I wouldn't say you are, but you seem to have some sociopath tendencies; fantasizing about stabbing people who irritate you is no way to deal with your problems.

    Stop wallowing in your own shit and get off the computer and do something productive. Use different mediums to relieve anger, try painting, singing, EXERCISING, etc.

    And it's okay to be a loner, I'm a loner, I enjoy my own company and I only have a handful of close friends, the rest, are whatever to me. If your mom bitches at you for that, just tell her to shut up.

    Try looking at life in a new perspective, try smiling and definitely change some aspects in your life such as your diet (a healthy diet improves more than most people assume), go running every day (it helps release endorphin), find a release, and talk to a fucking shrink.
    I would not like to see you on the news for being the cause of the next school shooting, or crazy serial murders.
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    Dec 13, 2011 12:52 AM GMT
    PS there is nothing wrong with being crazy or not fitting societies views on the "norm". We are all different and the media pumps BS ideas into our heads to brainwash us into thinking such-and-such is "normal". In reality there is no such thing as normal. There are standards and laws, and you should abide to them.

    PSS be nice to those who love you, and follow the Golden Rule.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    Let's see you're only 135 lbs. What I would worry about if I were you, is that maybe someday in one of your road rage incidents, you're going to piss off some big tough dude. I bet that'll change your attitude real fast.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:08 AM GMT
    If the amount of rage you feel is so serious that you cannot talk to your friend on the phone or stand in line at the grocery store, there is something serious going on.

    You've named some depressive-like symptoms that are very concerning:
    - Suicide
    - Feelings of worthlessness
    - Behaviors that are causing you problems in your personal life.

    You are clearly overwhelmed with how you are feeling, and its interesting because you start off saying how everyone is worthless but end your post talking about how you feel worthless and deathly afraid of being alone your whole life. What do you think that could be about... the shift in your feelings?

    That you say you are "only like this 80% of the time" makes me wonder about any shifts in mood you might be experiencing? Do you ever find yourself actually very happy? Staying up all hours of the night, working excessively, having thoughts run very quickly through your mind? Does your mood shift to sadness and anger quickly or over time? Do you find that angry fantasies happen more often when you are in one state vs. another?

    Is there any history of mental illness in your family? Aunts, uncles, parents, siblings, grandparents?

    I think the gay thing is very likely part of what's going on for you, but it doesn't explain your anger and feelings of worthlessness. All of that stuff likely comes from various experiences you've had. IDK what your experience is with trauma, but the symptoms you're describing makes me wonder what if any traumatic experiences you've had.

    I suppose I am biased, as a therapist myself, but all I can say is get yourself in treatment STAT. I would choose an experienced psychologist or a psychiatrist who also does psychotherapy. If you don't have money or insurance, as some one else mentioned, there are agencies that provide counseling and assistance for low fees.

    You're free to express your skepticism about therapists to them. At the end of the day if you want to break free and let people in, you might start with someone who is trained to tolerate your rage. Yes, you may be referred to start medication once you've been worked up by a psychiatrist or psychologist. But remember that you are presently in distress.... no one wants to be on medication; but medication can also provide greatly needed relief from symptoms that are spiraling out of control. It doesn't make you weak or shitty. Millions upon millions of people are on meds or seeking therapy of some kind. You are just taking action to prevent you from making a brash, possibly violent decision against someone else, and that's the smart thing to do.

    Most of all, taking a chance on therapy is taking a chance on changing your life. You talk about how ugly you feel inside... what if there was someone who did not see you that way? Someone who will be there to accept you in all of your perceived ugliness.... you'll learn in time that like everyone else yes, you have faults, but you also have positive aspects of yourself about you. You'll learn to accept and love yourself.... and in doing so, you can love others like you want to.

    Lastly.... try to do something other than sit in your anger and fester over your feelings. Find something you enjoy and surround yourself by it as best you can.

    Feel free to PM me if you have any questions... good luck to you.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:46 AM GMT
    I pushed people away and isolated myself putting myself in a bad situation alone.I wasn't admitting to myself I was gay. It was at a time when I was trying trying to accept myself..

    I didn't realize I was messed up. I didn't go to a professional when I should have. It was not a good time in my life.
    I had nobody at this point. I was graduating college and it should have been a happy time, but I had nobody in my life. Don't do this to yourself. Look at yourself and deal with your problems, a therapist could help you with this.

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    Dec 13, 2011 9:28 AM GMT
    Had a bit of a breakdown last night. Feeling a little better today. Thanks to most of you.

    First of all, let's review a little reading comprehension for some of you. I DO NOT crave human contact and IT BOTHERS ME that I don't. And I'm NOT distressed by the fact that I'll end up alone; I interpret being alone as failure and BEING A FAILURE is distressing to me.

    To add on to my last post, I've been in and out of therapy almost my entire life due to difficulty coping with personal issues, abuse from a mentally ill parent, a series of extremely traumatic childhood experiences, and behavioral problems.

    I've also been off all psych medications since July.

    I've been diagnosed with so many different things, ranging the full spectrum of the DSM because my behavior can be so... erratic. Most were complete bullshit.

    ZbmwM5, I know what you're looking for, but I don't know if I'm actually bipolar. My "cycles" are too irregular, my "manic" episodes are, aside from the rage, hypomanic at best, and there's no history of it in my family. I've taken mood stabilizers in the past and they stopped my outbursts of anger and suicidal thoughts, but, in turn, I become a complete zombie. I have no hobbies or interests that I truly enjoy; my emotional responses to all situations are highly inappropriate (read: non-existent); and I lose what little interest I had in attempting to conform to the expectations of others (see the part where my mom yells at me about being reclusive).

    I'd rather be pissed off and upset.

    And the mood stabilizers didn't even work 100% of the time. I was also taking atypical antipsychotics to help when I was teetering on the verge of absolute hell, but I wasn't taking them on a regular basis, so I'm not sure just how much good they were actually doing.

    I guess I'm calling the insurance company tomorrow to get authorization for therapy......... again. Ugh.

    In the meantime, do you mind if I unload on you via PM? I feel so broken right now.
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    Dec 13, 2011 9:43 AM GMT
    get professional help bro. Not to be a dick but yeah... I'm going to keep you in my prayers. I've gone through rough patches like that that. I'm kindof in that now... avoiding people cause I just don't feel like messeing with the BS.