Dec 12, 2011 10:39 AM GMT
I don't know what to say. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm looking for answers... maybe I'm looking for attention. I don't know. I need to express this to someone and a group of people who don't know me personally seems like a pretty good target audience since it won't have any direct effect on my life. You guys don't really like me anyways and I don't blame you. I wouldn't like me either.
I feel so fucking angry all the time and completely dead inside. I hate sex and masturbation; I'm completely incapable of empathizing with others; I haven't experienced any sort of emotional connection with another human being in over 5 years. I only hang around other people because my mom was REALLY getting obnoxious about how I was becoming antisocial and reclusive. Hell, sometimes I lie about where I'm going and drive around for a few hours so that she thinks I'm being social. Everybody is so fucking stupid and worthless. Nobody's worth my time.
I started coming here because I needed help coming to terms with my sexuality and a gay community with a masculine common interest seemed like a good way to do that. I now find myself even more bitter and frustrated about being gay because so many of the people I see on the forums piss me off to no end with their stupid fucking whiny bullshit drama or they come across as total pretentious fucks. Most of you don't even seem to have an interest in health or fitness. Why are you even here? I really hope none of you are an accurate representation of the gay community.
I'm losing my train of thought. Complaining about this website is not why I'm writing this.
I'm writing this because it's starting to become a serious problem. I'm alienating everybody I know. Last week, a friend called me just to chat. I hate talking on the phone. I told him his calls were pissing me off and I didn't have time to listen to him talk about his stupid fucking life. I then proceeded to tell him never to call me again unless he had something important to say and I hung up on him. I haven't heard from him since.
Last month, I started screaming at a woman in the grocery store because she was complaining to the guys working at the deli about how slow they were going. If you want them to move faster, then SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET THE FUCKING GUYS DO THEIR GOD DAMN JOB. STANDING THERE AND WHINING LIKE THE FAT FUCKING CUNT YOU ARE ISN'T GOING TO HELP THEM MOVE ANY GOD DAMN FASTER. After that, there were 15 or so people staring at me in awe of what just happened, so I put my basket down and walked out of the store. I have little to no control over this. It's like a switch goes off in my brain and I start seeing red and words are just coming out of my mouth.
My road rage is just on a whole different level.
Some days, I'd really like to watch the world burn. It takes a good majority of my willpower not to repeatedly rape people who piss me off in the eye with a god damn pair of scissors (read: everyone).
That said, I only act like this about 20% of the time. The other 80%, I don't feel anything. I might cry or fantasize about suicide when I think about the current state of my life. I just feel like such a useless piece of shit.
I frequently worry that I'm ultimately going to die completely alone, never having been loved because I'm incapable of reciprocating any form of positive emotion and having lost everybody I know to my utter crap personality. The worst part is that this doesn't worry me because I crave human contact, but because I feel like I'll have failed as a human being since we're expected to surround ourselves with people who love us and I don't seem to be able to do that.
I'd really like to just curl up and disappear sometimes.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I feel so fucking angry all the time and completely dead inside. I hate sex and masturbation; I'm completely incapable of empathizing with others; I haven't experienced any sort of emotional connection with another human being in over 5 years. I only hang around other people because my mom was REALLY getting obnoxious about how I was becoming antisocial and reclusive. Hell, sometimes I lie about where I'm going and drive around for a few hours so that she thinks I'm being social. Everybody is so fucking stupid and worthless. Nobody's worth my time.
I started coming here because I needed help coming to terms with my sexuality and a gay community with a masculine common interest seemed like a good way to do that. I now find myself even more bitter and frustrated about being gay because so many of the people I see on the forums piss me off to no end with their stupid fucking whiny bullshit drama or they come across as total pretentious fucks. Most of you don't even seem to have an interest in health or fitness. Why are you even here? I really hope none of you are an accurate representation of the gay community.
I'm losing my train of thought. Complaining about this website is not why I'm writing this.
I'm writing this because it's starting to become a serious problem. I'm alienating everybody I know. Last week, a friend called me just to chat. I hate talking on the phone. I told him his calls were pissing me off and I didn't have time to listen to him talk about his stupid fucking life. I then proceeded to tell him never to call me again unless he had something important to say and I hung up on him. I haven't heard from him since.
Last month, I started screaming at a woman in the grocery store because she was complaining to the guys working at the deli about how slow they were going. If you want them to move faster, then SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET THE FUCKING GUYS DO THEIR GOD DAMN JOB. STANDING THERE AND WHINING LIKE THE FAT FUCKING CUNT YOU ARE ISN'T GOING TO HELP THEM MOVE ANY GOD DAMN FASTER. After that, there were 15 or so people staring at me in awe of what just happened, so I put my basket down and walked out of the store. I have little to no control over this. It's like a switch goes off in my brain and I start seeing red and words are just coming out of my mouth.
My road rage is just on a whole different level.
Some days, I'd really like to watch the world burn. It takes a good majority of my willpower not to repeatedly rape people who piss me off in the eye with a god damn pair of scissors (read: everyone).
That said, I only act like this about 20% of the time. The other 80%, I don't feel anything. I might cry or fantasize about suicide when I think about the current state of my life. I just feel like such a useless piece of shit.
I frequently worry that I'm ultimately going to die completely alone, never having been loved because I'm incapable of reciprocating any form of positive emotion and having lost everybody I know to my utter crap personality. The worst part is that this doesn't worry me because I crave human contact, but because I feel like I'll have failed as a human being since we're expected to surround ourselves with people who love us and I don't seem to be able to do that.
I'd really like to just curl up and disappear sometimes.
What the hell is wrong with me?