Are gay men better off with partners or without? Are we just doing a shallow imitation of the straight world when we want to live together?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2011 1:45 PM GMT
    These thoughts were prompted by another thread I read today, about a gay break-up. And one reply suggested that worrying about partners is a waste of time, being paired-up is a hetero concept that doesn't apply to the gay world, so don't bother and stay single. And I wondered.

    I know there are genuine loners, and also those who can't bear to be alone. I've known both types, and was somewhat of the former when I was younger.

    My unscientific observation is that some loners do so not out of Nature, but out of negativity. Of fearing to try, to extend & risk themselves, or having tried and missed their expectations they now refuse to play the game anymore.

    Well, I'm a romantic, so I see love as a big part of having a partner. But I know even the existence of gay love is debated in threads here, too. So I'll discuss only the practical aspects of having a partner, the mercenary if you like. Human life is a challenge, I think modern life more than we realize. Here are some tangible reasons why I wouldn't be without a partner in the 21st Century:

    - Two heads are better than one. And I'm talking about the ones between our ears, you sluts. I've never had a BF or partner who didn't contribute great ideas & plans for us, that I would never have thought of myself. And I hope I did some of the same for them.
    - I can't be in two places at once. Modern life is jammed with commitments of every kind. Partners split those things up, get more done, lose fewer opportunities.
    - Sickness & accidents happen. A partner can be your quickest, easiest, and often least expensive way back to good health. And especially when you both get older, literally be there to save the other's life. Trust me, I've already been through it myself several times already.
    - You're better equipped as a team to solve everyday challenges, even the most basic ones of cooking, washing clothes, fixing stuff, going places. Related to the first point above, my ideal partner has his own unique set of talents that I lack, while I have mine. If he cooks, then I'm the handyman. What I can't do he does, and what he doesn't I do. Put together we are a successful continuum, that covers all the bases, that can face the myriad complicated things we're supposed to know nowadays, but that no single one of us typically can do all by himself. The world almost becomes too much for any one person to know.

    Your own thoughts on having a partner, versus not having a partner?
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    Dec 13, 2011 2:51 PM GMT
    Yep most guys think they can be solo until they get sick or realize that they are alone or have reached a certain age. And the seeds you sow in your youth will determine what comes down the line when you can't just bag a dude cause you're cute.

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    Dec 13, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    I don't know if it is a question of imitating straight people, but I definitely feel pre-wired to be in a relationship. I was never good at "the hunt" and as I get older the idea of it just seems depressing.

    Also for the practical reasons you mention I would not want to live totally alone. Of course there all sorts of living arrangements that work for different people. I have a lesbian friend who is basically "nesting" with a woman who identifies as straight. Afaik it is not a sexual thing but in all other aspects they function as a couple. I did not ask for details!
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    Dec 13, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    Humans are mammals and as such, are social creatures. Solo guys are that way, not because of nature, but because of social situations.
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    Dec 13, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    Depends on the person. Depends on what you think you need in life. Some people feel they need others in their life. Others feel they are better off without any in their life. No one can say who is right or who is right but the individual.
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    Dec 13, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    Here's the thing- too many people derive their happiness from the relationships that they are in. Not saying you can't be happy in a relationship (it would suck if you weren't), but I think it's important to find happiness within yourself first and not depend on that other person entirely. I've seen people, mostly straight women because I don't have that many gay friends, jump from relationship to relationship without ever really being single icon_confused.gif I don't get it. Relationships are awesome but only if they complement the individual people in them. I don't think it's a terrible idea to spend some of your adult life single, you learn a lot about yourself that way.

    As far as the straight world vs gay world stuff- too many heterosexual marriages happen because that's what society expects of them and down the road they realize they aren't happy. The "traditional" family is very much an American societal construct that is pushed by religious nuts. It's one reason I'm happy I'm gay, I won't get stuck in the same trap.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Dec 13, 2011 3:20 PM GMT
    It's such an individual thing. I have friends who god forbid would go 5 minutes without a boyfriend, and bounce from one ultimately unsatisfying relationship to another. They are simply miserable alone. Other friends seem to thrive in a successful relationship, while others seem completely happy surrounding themselves with many friends but no one special they want to commit to. I'm personally just fine being single. I remain open-minded, but I'm not expecting, nor am I really looking, for Mr. Wonderful to walk around the next corner and rock my world. I rock my own world. I enjoy the independence that being single affords. Every time I get in a relationship of sorts, I find myself getting a bit resentful that my freedom -- the ability to do what I want, when I want, and how I want -- becomes limiting and claustrophobic. Not everyone needs a significant other to complete their life.
  • Brick_n_Lace

    Posts: 185

    Dec 13, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    I think as long as you are happy there is nothing wrong with taking on traditional roles in a relationship, mixing them up or ignoring them completely. Most ppl like to be paired up eventually so I dont think that in itself is an imitation. But i feel men in society are emotionally stunted in their upbringing, add to that other issues associated with being gay and its definitely harder for a relationship to work in the traditional way that we know or any way at all really.
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    Dec 13, 2011 3:30 PM GMT
    njmeanwhile saidI don't know if it is a question of imitating straight people, but I definitely feel pre-wired to be in a relationship. I was never good at "the hunt" and as I get older the idea of it just seems depressing.

    I was amused to hear you call it "the hunt" because that what I once did. I guess being ex-military and an outdoorsman that's how I equated it. Yet I always tried to play mental games with myself, telling myself I WASN'T hunting, just going out for a good time, and if something should happen, someone wander into my crosshairs, well...

    Because I knew if I got too serious about "the hunt" I was bound to fail. A guy who looks desperate and is trying too hard rarely bags his man.

    But I sure was happy when I brought a trophy home, strapped over the car hood if I had to, cause it meant I might not have to go through that drill again for a while. I did love being single and all the slutty fun I had, but I do prefer a whole lot more having a man I can call my own, and him content with me, too. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 13, 2011 10:15 PM GMT
    bah, It shits me, I'm a loner by some standards, I like my time alone a great deal but for some freakin reason my brain is wired to be in a relationship and it works at it's best during that time.

    However it's tempered by my own experiences in life so while I'm wired one way I'm happily being single and can be very content that way.

    Alas being single seems to be a pretty set thing because the majority of guys are idiots.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Dec 13, 2011 10:24 PM GMT
    Why do you feel the need to be different from straight people?
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    Dec 13, 2011 10:25 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidbah, It shits me, I'm a loner by some standards, I like my time alone a great deal but for some freakin reason my brain is wired to be in a relationship and it works at it's best during that time.

    However it's tempered by my own experiences in life so while I'm wired one way I'm happily being single and can be very content that way.

    Alas being single seems to be a pretty set thing because the majority of guys are idiots.
    Why yo brain gotta think like mines?

    PS. I wanna grope your main pic. icon_wink.gif