Monogamy, trust, relationships, internet....oh my!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 9:10 AM GMT
    So long story short. Almost every relationship ive had with men ive caught them cheating one way or another before or after the internet.

    But it seems with the internet it makes hooking up, privacy & etc makes it even easier to cheat whether your gay, straight, male, female & etc.

    How do you trust the one you love after so many reasons in the past to not to? No matter how trusting they seem it seems between hookup sites, facebook privatizing posts, & etc it makes it so easy to be lied to, betrayed & cheated on.

    How do u fully trust someone & not think they are being deceiptful with their feelings & promises of committments.?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 12:26 PM GMT
    Let it go and don't think about it.
    It's that old tacky phrase - If you love something set it free...blah blah blah.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    You don't. Trust is earned.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    You just can't trust anyone really......I mean maybe after a long time....but I def don't put the blinders on. I dunno though....I don't understand why guys cheat. Man up and say you want an open relationship. I dunno though I am a weird type of guy compared to many.

    I look forward to being with one man and only wanting him and vice versa. Random sex is fun I guess....but it leaves you empty.

    I can tell you one thing I'll probably never ever trust anyone to do bareback with. Too many stories of people getting HIV from their partner. YOu have to be the worst sociopath type person to do that though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidYou don't. Trust is earned.


    ^This.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    Unless both partners have very weak sex drives, monogamy is rather unreasonable, especially if one partner wants it and the other does not. Opening relationships before any cheating occurs seems like an option if everything is there but the sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 1:56 PM GMT
    Trust is not earned. You just give it. You choose to trust in the present.. Live not in the past but live for what is possible for the future.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:02 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidYou don't. Trust is earned.




    Agree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:06 PM GMT
    Furegina said
    DOMINUS saidYou don't. Trust is earned.

    Agree.

    The reason I don't think trust should be earned is because it creates a unnecessary powerplay dynamic in the relationship that strains the relationship and an unstable foundation upon which to continue the relationship. Furthermore, there exists a constant state of 'distrust' until that trust is earned back, which is also unquantifiable as to what and when is enough. One may even feel it is impossible to ever be fully trusted/trusting. Thus, it is better to just extend the hand of trust and build the relationship on foundation of trust rather than the former.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    TerraFirma saidTrust is not earned. You just give it. You choose to trust in the present.. Live not in the past but live for what is possible for the future.


    Recidivists, chronic wife-beaters, recurrent child molesters, and other repeat or cyclical offenders would love you for that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    DOMINUS said
    TerraFirma saidTrust is not earned. You just give it. You choose to trust in the present.. Live not in the past but live for what is possible for the future.

    Recidivists, chronic wife-beaters, recurrent child molesters, and other repeat offenders would love you for that.

    Consider for a second why they struggle to redeem themselves. They will never under such doubt and distrust.
    I didn't say that there wasn't wisdom involved. It's a case-by-case to determine if trust is warranted or practical. Furthermore, in those cases, trust is not what they need. Rehabilitation comes to mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    I can't just openly and blindly trust someone. I have to be given a reason to just like I have to be given a reason not to trust someone.

    Til either reason to trust/distrust is made present my view on how to treat a person with trust is neutral. I would have to agree with Dominus that trust is earned. Usually the best way to determine that is through a person's actions and their character.

    Trust is also an easy thing to lose and hard to get back once lost.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:22 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidTrust is also an easy thing to lose and hard to get back once lost.

    Yes, it can be. But it can also easily be given. We make it difficult by holding on to past, which sometimes acts as a form of passive-aggressive revenge, of which most of the time we're not cognizant. It does make us feel powerful especially if we've been hurt/betrayed. In this sense, I think it can be hard to let go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    Things easily given are often things that are lost the quickest. Trust fits that bill.

    When you just give something like trust away easily you set yourself up for being taken advantage of. Earning someone's trust is just like earning someone's respect and I wouldn't give either away easily. Some people value those things and don't wanna just give it to anyone.

    When in a relationship you need trust. When it's broken, it's a hard thing to get back. How do you loss that trust? Well cheating is a good start. How could someone ever trust another after being hurt and lied to? It's not such an easy thing to do. I know I require it and if I can't have it unconditionally then I'd probably end the relationship because I'm not about to worry myself into a grave over distrusting someone and being paranoid. Fuck that. That's a headache I can deal without.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    Asuguy2005 saidI can tell you one thing I'll probably never ever trust anyone to do bareback with. Too many stories of people getting HIV from their partner. YOu have to be the worst sociopath type person to do that though.

    Who's the sociopath? The cheating partner who contracts HIV, or the trusting partner who allows the secret cheater to bareback him?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidThings easily given are often things that are lost the quickest. Trust fits that bill.
    When you just give something like trust away easily you set yourself up for being taken advantage of. Earning someone's trust is just like earning someone's respect and I wouldn't give either away easily.


    I didn't mean give it away easily, in that sense. I meant it can be done easily. My point is, offer it with wisdom. To salvage or to grow a relationship, you must.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:33 PM GMT
    TerraFirma said
    Guy101 saidTrust is also an easy thing to lose and hard to get back once lost.

    Yes, it can be. But it can also easily be given. We make it difficult by holding on to past, which sometimes acts as a form of passive-aggressive revenge, of which most of the time we're not cognizant. It does make us feel powerful especially if we've been hurt/betrayed. In this sense, I think it can be hard to let go.


    Pretty sure you did.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    FrostedFlakes saidUnless both partners have very weak sex drives, monogamy is rather unreasonable, especially if one partner wants it and the other does not. Opening relationships before any cheating occurs seems like an option if everything is there but the sex.


    I gotta say I agree with Frosted... You can still trust and be open, in fact I really think it's the only way to trust. Many if not most men are very sexual beings and asking them to never look at, flirt with, or hook up with another man might be unreasonable. So be honest about it and then you can trust each other...

    I realize this is not for everyone, but we do not have to blindly follow the straight monogamous marriage model that out parents live... being gay means we can invent our lives the way we want to live them.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:51 PM GMT
    If I had a pattern of getting into relationships with guys who constantly cheat on me, I would probably do some reflecting to see what it is about me that 1) causes him to cheat, 2) causes me to attract a guy who will cheat and 3) causes me to be unable to discern a trustworthy man. If there is a pattern, then you are sending out signals to cheaters... and not only that, you are responding to some personality traits exhibited by cheaters. Whatever it is in you that's missing is filled by a guy who won't be faithful to you and you should ask yourself why that puzzle piece is shaped that way.

    Good men are out there. I'm one of them and I know several. I'd recommend a little soul searching.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 2:53 PM GMT
    My partner can bareback me anytime he wants as the top. I do trust him that much. For one thing he lost a partner to HIV through cheating (as I did), that's a thing he'll never do himself, and a motive for his HIV/AIDS charity work. Plus we both are tested regularly by the same doctor, who's been legally directed by us to share any STD findings she makes. That tends to lessen cheating temptations, and offers some protection against its consequences, through mandatory mutual notification, and complete transparency of all our medical records, with no secrets allowed.

    But similar circumstances may not exist for other couples, and barebacking may not be a good choice, even for long-term monogamous partners. I often say you put your life in another guy's hands when you bareback with him, and a single drunken misjudgment by him at a party one night could result in your own death, or other serious medical consequences.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 3:37 PM GMT
    redbull saidSo long story short. Almost every relationship ive had with men ive caught them cheating one way or another before or after the internet.

    But it seems with the internet it makes hooking up, privacy & etc makes it even easier to cheat whether your gay, straight, male, female & etc.

    How do you trust the one you love after so many reasons in the past to not to? No matter how trusting they seem it seems between hookup sites, facebook privatizing posts, & etc it makes it so easy to be lied to, betrayed & cheated on.

    How do u fully trust someone & not think they are being deceiptful with their feelings & promises of committments.?


    Every guy? hmmmmmmmmm seems to me the problem is with you and the type of guys you pick.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 3:47 PM GMT
    Larkin_PLR saidIf I had a pattern of getting into relationships with guys who constantly cheat on me, I would probably do some reflecting to see what it is about me that 1) causes him to cheat, 2) causes me to attract a guy who will cheat and 3) causes me to be unable to discern a trustworthy man.


    Man, that's harsh. But also probably true.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 4:00 PM GMT
    Alot of good advice guys, thx so much. Larkin, u brought up some good points. Seems many of the guys ive dated in the past had similar traits so im trying to break the pattern with this new guy but after being burned so many times its so hard to trust sometimes. I am trying to stay positive and put my best foot forward.....again, lol.

    I guess it all boils down to either putting trust in someone or not, a consious decision until they give u reason not to, its just really hard for me at times as i am one of the guys as previously posted that contracted hiv thru a cheating partner.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 14, 2011 4:10 PM GMT
    redbull saidSo long story short. Almost every relationship ive had with men ive caught them cheating one way or another before or after the internet.

    But it seems with the internet it makes hooking up, privacy & etc makes it even easier to cheat whether your gay, straight, male, female & etc.

    How do you trust the one you love after so many reasons in the past to not to? No matter how trusting they seem it seems between hookup sites, facebook privatizing posts, & etc it makes it so easy to be lied to, betrayed & cheated on.

    How do u fully trust someone & not think they are being deceiptful with their feelings & promises of committments.?
    redbull, when you get up in the morning do you think damn I should not go out today. I could end of being killed today? Do you get in your car and think damn I could get in a car accident today I should not drive my car. Redbull, one of the good things about being in love or falling in love is that you have to give up a part of yourself to be in a relationship. if you are not willing to give up a part of yourself than you should get into a relationship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 14, 2011 4:22 PM GMT
    Larkin, I wouldn't say that there is anything wrong with a person simply because they attract cheaters. That's like saying they asked to be cheated on and I doubt anyone wants that.

    You can't look at a person and say "Oh! He's a cheater". If it were that easy then we wouldn't be having this discussion. Some cheaters prey upon those who live a good life because they don't. Some treat relationships like it's a game and enjoy the rush of it. Some simply enjoy hurting others because they've suffered and some just don't give a fuck because they are selfish and lack self control when it comes to their desires. In short, some people are just bad apples.

    Cheating is an easy thing to do. It's availability to do it is 24/7. Temptation never sleeps. It takes a strong person to not lose his way and cheat while being in a relationship. In short, some people are just assholes when it comes to relationships and though it would be nice to avoid these types of people it really is easier said then done because you never know when someone is gonna fall weak to temptation. Could happen instantly or it could happen 20 years from now.