Breaking Up With Someone Lightly.

  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Dec 16, 2011 3:21 AM GMT
    I'm dating someone, and it;s been about 4.5 months. He is great, he is cute, he has an amazing job, he is highly educated at top schools.

    But it's just not working. I'm in a rough place right now, and the difference in ages/lifestyles is getting tome a bit.

    He is 35 and a successful businessman and just took over another company, I am a 20 year old student who is wondering the if life of academia, of which I have dreamed for years, it really fr me.

    We don't do anything when we spend tim with each other, and his friends seems to really have it out for me.

    I think I want to end thing, because really I'm not in the right place for this right now, but I also don;t want to seem to harsh, or like he isn't great.

    ANy advice?
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Dec 16, 2011 3:32 AM GMT
    jpBITCHva said"It's not you, it's me."
    "I promised Mom I'd marry a Jewish boy."


    Both true to some degree ahaha
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Dec 16, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    well, I was in the opposite situation with my only real boyfriend so far--I was 37 and he was 20, we had two really good years, one iffy year and then he ended up moving on, which sucked but we're still friends.

    The bottom line for me right from the beginning was that I did not expect that I would be the last guy he was ever with (not that I thought that was impossible, but I remember being 20 and I don't think I was ready to settle down permanently at that time.)

    Does he have realistic expectations about what your relationship is about? Are you on the same page? Do you not do things when you're together because he is shielding you or himself from his friends' reactions? If so I think that is a red flag.

    It could just be that the relationship doesn't have a future or if it does this might be the time when you both have some work to do. I think the easy, fun part is probably over in most relationships after 4-6 months and then the work/commitment starts.

    Of course you also have to ask if you want to take relationship advice from a website or more particularly from me. haha.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Dec 16, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    mizu5 saidI'm dating someone, and it;s been about 4.5 months. He is great, he is cute, he has an amazing job, he is highly educated at top schools.

    But it's just not working. I'm in a rough place right now, and the difference in ages/lifestyles is getting tome a bit.

    He is 35 and a successful businessman and just took over another company, I am a 20 year old student who is wondering the if life of academia, of which I have dreamed for years, it really fr me.

    We don't do anything when we spend tim with each other, and his friends seems to really have it out for me.

    I think I want to end thing, because really I'm not in the right place for this right now, but I also don;t want to seem to harsh, or like he isn't great.

    ANy advice?


    Phrasing it like you have - in what you are feeling with honesty and stated with courage - is the best thing to do. You're not copping out of it, and you're not shying away from the issue, but you are still making your point known in a firm and succint way.
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    Dec 16, 2011 4:03 AM GMT
    dancedancekj saidPhrasing it like you have - in what you are feeling with honesty and stated with courage - is the best thing to do. You're not copping out of it, and you're not shying away from the issue, but you are still making your point known in a firm and succint way.

    I concur. Just sit down with him, and explain what you just explained here. He's a grown man; he should be able to understand.
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    Dec 16, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    What's a breakup? What's a BF? icon_redface.gif
  • xebec75

    Posts: 243

    Dec 16, 2011 4:27 AM GMT
    He's 35...so it's likely he's had his heart broken already...and trust me, after that first one...all the rest pale in comparison. Tell him the truth, he's a big boy. he'll be fine.
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    Dec 16, 2011 4:31 AM GMT
    xebec75 saidHe's 35...so it's likely he's had his heart broken already...and trust me, after that first one...all the rest pale in comparison. Tell him the truth, he's a big boy. he'll be fine.


    not true.


    but i will say to you- breaking up with someone, or being broken up with is never easy, and someone always gets hurt. best of luck to you- it's something you have to do, although the process sucks.
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    Dec 16, 2011 4:37 AM GMT
    Just say "we need to talk". That says it all.
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    Dec 16, 2011 4:59 AM GMT
    Send him a link to this thread.
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    Dec 16, 2011 5:28 AM GMT
    From what you've told us, the essence is that you both want different things and are in different places in your life (which is what happens when you're in a relationship that spans a decade and a half). Therefore, after the magical sex craze and rose coloured glasses fade 5 months into a relationship and you get down to fundamentals, there's just an incompatibility. Explain it to him like this- rationally and logically.
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    Dec 16, 2011 6:02 AM GMT
    i absolutely hate hate hate breaking up something when there isn't really anything bad or any type of fall out that is happening. you kind of have to let go gently using "differences" as your basis but they always seem to want to convince you otherwise. it sucks when they try to change your mind by saying whatever it takes. You have to continue saying no, talk back, and watch them crumble in front of you. the key is to not give them any sense of hope or else they will keep trying to talk you out of it. be stern!
  • MisterT

    Posts: 1272

    Dec 16, 2011 6:20 AM GMT
    In the end you have to be happy, and still be able to pursue your dreams/goals. It looks like you know that, and you feel it's not going to happen with him. It's not about him being great, or his friends. If you feel the relationship will hold you back, maybe it's best you end it.

    Best way to do it is to just be honest, as an educated man, I'm sure he will appreciate you being upfront with him, and honoring that you have goals you need to chase, he wouldn't want to keep you from them.

    Good luck :-)
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    Dec 16, 2011 6:26 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidJust say "we need to talk". That says it all.


    Ariodante, we need to talk icon_redface.gif
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    Dec 16, 2011 7:48 AM GMT
    Any advise?.......Try real hard not to let the unhappyness you're feeling in your relationship spill over on your school dreams. I know it's easyer said than done. You're 20 years old. You might be thinking the biggest thing in your life is a great bf but you being in your prime school years, make that #1 priority. School is only a few short years. I think you're very mature for your age....use that maturity for your studies, get the most out of them. Good Luck J.
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    Dec 16, 2011 7:50 AM GMT
    CHIdude said
    Ariodante saidJust say "we need to talk". That says it all.


    Ariodante, we need to talk icon_redface.gif


    Ooo you're getting me a present right icon_biggrin.gif?
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    Dec 16, 2011 8:06 AM GMT
    jpBITCHva said"It's not you, it's me."


    I hate that shit.... guys that give that line need to come up with a better explination... just put it all out there and keep it real. If he's a man with balls, dignity, and self-respect... he'll want to keep your friendship at the very least, and respect you more for your candidness and kindly bow out. I hate how for the most part I am the submissive one in the relationship but always end up having the bigger set of balls... icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Dec 16, 2011 8:13 AM GMT
    mizu5 saidI'm dating someone, and it;s been about 4.5 months. He is great, he is cute, he has an amazing job, he is highly educated at top schools.

    But it's just not working. I'm in a rough place right now, and the difference in ages/lifestyles is getting tome a bit.

    He is 35 and a successful businessman and just took over another company, I am a 20 year old student who is wondering the if life of academia, of which I have dreamed for years, it really fr me.

    We don't do anything when we spend tim with each other, and his friends seems to really have it out for me.

    I think I want to end thing, because really I'm not in the right place for this right now, but I also don;t want to seem to harsh, or like he isn't great.

    ANy advice?


    I don't know, but maybe it would help if you explained this part a bit more. Why don't you think it's working? What sort of rough place in you in right now? Does it have anything to do with him? Is there any reason that the age/lifestyle difference is bothering you now, when it presumably didn't bother you before?
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    Dec 16, 2011 8:35 AM GMT
    Pretty much say what you said here, only leave out the 'right now' part. It's easy to tack on a slither of hope by saying 'This relationship isn't working out for me... right now' It will give him optimism that there is a possibility.
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    Dec 16, 2011 9:30 AM GMT
    It would be very awkward if he happened to have profile here and read your post ...


    To the point: there is no "polite" way to break up with someone. I always go for the truth - you don't feel like it is working? Tell him! You don't think you are right for each other? Tell him! Just be honest, be calm and do not insult him ... if he is mature enough, he will respond in a mature way. If not - well, that gives you one more reason to break up with him.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 16, 2011 11:35 AM GMT
    mizu5 saidI'm dating someone, and it;s been about 4.5 months. He is great, he is cute, he has an amazing job, he is highly educated at top schools.

    But it's just not working. I'm in a rough place right now, and the difference in ages/lifestyles is getting tome a bit.

    He is 35 and a successful businessman and just took over another company, I am a 20 year old student who is wondering the if life of academia, of which I have dreamed for years, it really fr me.

    We don't do anything when we spend tim with each other, and his friends seems to really have it out for me.

    I think I want to end thing, because really I'm not in the right place for this right now, but I also don;t want to seem to harsh, or like he isn't great.

    ANy advice?
    Tell him everything you just told us
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    Dec 16, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    mizu5 saidI'm dating someone, and it;s been about 4.5 months. He is great, he is cute, he has an amazing job, he is highly educated at top schools.

    But it's just not working. I'm in a rough place right now, and the difference in ages/lifestyles is getting tome a bit.

    He is 35 and a successful businessman and just took over another company, I am a 20 year old student who is wondering the if life of academia, of which I have dreamed for years, it really fr me.

    We don't do anything when we spend tim with each other, and his friends seems to really have it out for me.

    I think I want to end thing, because really I'm not in the right place for this right now, but I also don;t want to seem to harsh, or like he isn't great.

    ANy advice?


    Articulate what you just said here ^^^ to his face.

    Given that large age, education, and income differential he had to be aware at some level that friction would result. You aren't looking for a sugar daddy and at your age you still have a lot of things to figure out. If he has any shred of common sense he should be prepared for what you are about to tell him.

    Just be honest and direct. Don't sugar coat it. He will appreciate directness and your ability to have clearly and thoughtfully analyzed the situation, rather than making a rash decision after a drink or two.

    Now go find a nice Jewish boy in his 20s who is still in school icon_biggrin.gificon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2011 7:54 PM GMT
    Fade him out slowly w less time together, talking, etc, it will then end itself
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    Dec 16, 2011 8:02 PM GMT
    Simon78928 saidFade him out slowly w less time together, talking, etc, it will then end itself

    Bad advice.
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    Dec 16, 2011 8:07 PM GMT
    19c79 said
    Simon78928 saidFade him out slowly w less time together, talking, etc, it will then end itself

    Bad advice.

    The fade out is cowardly and disrespectful after more than three dates. After four and a half months you owe it to the guy to be honest and upfront about what's going on. It might hurt him in the short term but it's the only way to salvage any future friendship.