Continuing the journey without Mom...how???

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2011 1:55 AM GMT
    I came home two weeks ago and found my mother had passed away while I was away for the weekend. It was the saddest and most horrifying night of my life.

    She had been ill, but was given no warning by doctors about anything serious when she was in the hospital two weeks earlier. She had suffered from epileptic seizures and had a coil operation for an aneurysm last year. Yet, she was in such bright spirits when I last saw her.

    My mother was my my life and my hero. She raised my brother and I on her own, despite her illness. She was the most tender and compassionate person I have ever known, and she even taught me how to defend myself against bullies, ride a bike, and play b-ball. When she could no longer work, she spent her days coordinating animal adoptions from home and giving advice on animal care in online forums.

    My mother came from Latin America and had no family here except her sons. My father divorced and left us for another woman when I was 12.
    When she fell ill in my early teens, I stayed by her side for many years, helping her battle depression and anxiety, even after my brother moved away and the world (it seemed) insinuated I was a mama's boy for never 'leaving the nest'.

    I had spent this year back with her instead of returning to work on cruise ships, where I had been for the majority of the last two years. She had encouraged me to go, but I wanted to be by her side when I returned in January. She could not leave her place for many years, so I did her errands and took care of her...even if she couldn't be stopped from pitching in wherever she could.

    I came out to her last March, and while I knew she was hurt, she immediately told me she still loved me. She went from painfully accepting my homosexuality to asking about wedding details in the future just a few weeks ago. I was so proud of my mother.

    Since my mother passed away, I have cried everyday, gotten angry, bargained with the powers that be to turn back time or bring her back to me, and have seriously considered calling it quits.

    Despite the early support from family and friends around me, this is playing out as a co-worker had warned me. She said the hard part would come once there are no longer people around you and the world expects you to just move on.

    My mind rewinds the memories of her: her pet names for me, our sporadic 'ballroom dancing', our pet rabbits we loved so much, her hugs and kisses, how she was my number one fan in the times when no one else was there.

    I put on a brave face at work (just started a new job), but my constant source of love, tenderness, and affection I knew for 30 years is gone. Who can ever replace her?

    It was supposed to be our first Christmas and New Year's together in three years. The sadness is swallowing me whole, and I keep wondering, "How do I go on?"

    I'm sorry for posting this on the forum if it's too sad or emotional for anyone.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Dec 17, 2011 2:12 AM GMT
    "Who can replace her ?"
    No one can replace her.

    BTW, my own mother died the day before Thanksgiving.

    We are left with the memories.

    It's natural for you to feel very sad over your loss.
    Allow yourself to do that.

    In time, the sadness will become less and less, and you'll be left with the happy memories.

    How long will you grieve ?
    I don't know. It's a different length of time for everyone.

    I'm sorry that you have to go through this period of suffering and loss.
    But, you will make it.

    Hugs.





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2011 2:25 AM GMT
    I'm so sorry to hear that please accept my condolences. I can relate as it wasn't that long ago my dad died from lung cancer. I was with him til the very end and it was really hard on me to watch what this disease was doing to my father. But in the end there wasn't much I could do but make him as comfortable as possible. The grieving process is different for everyone the only thing that unites us all is the fact that we must go through it. She will always be in your heart and you will carry her spirit with you in all you do.

    love,hugs,and best wishes.
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    Dec 17, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    I am so sorry for your loss man =/. There isnt anything I can say to make things better because there isn't. The only thing I can say is to love and remember her. Be there for your family. I am so, so sorry for your loss and if you ever need to talk please feel free to message me.

    Sending good thoughts your way,

    -Alex
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    Dec 17, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    First, I am sorry for your loss. My best to you and your family.

    My own mother is 77. Just before last Thanksgiving, she didn't look like she was going to make it to Christmas. Now, a year later, she's doing okay.

    Living out of state, I only get to see the rest of my family twice a year (summer and Christmas). I cherish each time we are all together. I know there won't be many of those left.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that, I lost mine early this year. If you need someone to listen hit me up :O)
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    Dec 17, 2011 6:52 AM GMT
    I'm really sorry for your loss. It sounds you two had a very close and loving relationship. I hope in time you'll transition from mourning her passing to celebrating the life she lived. Until then I hope you find the strength to endure this terrible moment.

    Take care and best wishes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2011 7:09 AM GMT
    Honestly,

    I am not ashamed to say that I teared up as I read your post and I do not tear up ever. My mom is epileptic, she has raised my brother and I on her own since my dad left her when I was 2 and had children with another woman and left the country. She has managed to raise us on a paltry disability income, and your story reminded me so much of my own mom, my own personal hero. Although could never help me with my homework, couldn't provide as much as she would have liked, she has lived her entire life for my brother and I.

    Your mom was an absolutely amazing woman, and reminds me so much of mine. I wish I could be there to give you a hug, or could even provide some helpful advice, but I don't know what to tell you. I am afraid to leave my mom for fear of her getting sick. I hate thinking in my mind that one day I will lose her. I swear, I wish it would rather be me first and I hope the day never comes. I hope the pain will go away for you, and you can take pride on what an incredible woman you had for a mom. I am so sorry.

    JJGreen saidI came home two weeks ago and found my mother had passed away while I was away for the weekend. It was the saddest and most horrifying night of my life.

    She had been ill, but was given no warning by doctors about anything serious when she was in the hospital two weeks earlier. She had suffered from epileptic seizures and had a coil operation for an aneurysm last year. Yet, she was in such bright spirits when I last saw her.

    My mother was my my life and my hero. She raised my brother and I on her own, despite her illness. She was the most tender and compassionate person I have ever known, and she even taught me how to defend myself against bullies, ride a bike, and play b-ball. When she could no longer work, she spent her days coordinating animal adoptions from home and giving advice on animal care in online forums.

    My mother came from Latin America and had no family here except her sons. My father divorced and left us for another woman when I was 12.
    When she fell ill in my early teens, I stayed by her side for many years, helping her battle depression and anxiety, even after my brother moved away and the world (it seemed) insinuated I was a mama's boy for never 'leaving the nest'.

    I had spent this year back with her instead of returning to work on cruise ships, where I had been for the majority of the last two years. She had encouraged me to go, but I wanted to be by her side when I returned in January. She could not leave her place for many years, so I did her errands and took care of her...even if she couldn't be stopped from pitching in wherever she could.

    I came out to her last March, and while I knew she was hurt, she immediately told me she still loved me. She went from painfully accepting my homosexuality to asking about wedding details in the future just a few weeks ago. I was so proud of my mother.

    Since my mother passed away, I have cried everyday, gotten angry, bargained with the powers that be to turn back time or bring her back to me, and have seriously considered calling it quits.

    Despite the early support from family and friends around me, this is playing out as a co-worker had warned me. She said the hard part would come once there are no longer people around you and the world expects you to just move on.

    My mind rewinds the memories of her: her pet names for me, our sporadic 'ballroom dancing', our pet rabbits we loved so much, her hugs and kisses, how she was my number one fan in the times when no one else was there.

    I put on a brave face at work (just started a new job), but my constant source of love, tenderness, and affection I knew for 30 years is gone. Who can ever replace her?

    It was supposed to be our first Christmas and New Year's together in three years. The sadness is swallowing me whole, and I keep wondering, "How do I go on?"

    I'm sorry for posting this on the forum if it's too sad or emotional for anyone.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2011 7:27 AM GMT
    I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but just know that each day will get better. Try not to look at her death with sadness, but instead celebrate the legacy of her life; I doubt she would want you to be upset. Cheer up man, my condolences and prayers are with you.
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    Dec 17, 2011 7:41 AM GMT
    i am so sorry to hear that..i lost my dad at 17...mom passed away Apr19,2008...........i was devastated....if you need to talk to someone,don't be afraid to.there are grief counselors..feel free to use their services.i got through my grief with a lot of support from my friends...i suggest you enlist the support of all your friends and family..you will feel better in time...but you need to allow yourself some grieving time...take care of yourself...your mom would want you to go on,and enjoy your life,just like she enjoyed hers...and know that you will always carry her love with you..
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    Dec 17, 2011 7:42 AM GMT
    So sorry to learn of the loss or your Mom. She sounds like an amazing lady - teaching you so much, enjoying all those times with you. What a great mother. She obviously loved you (still loves you - from Heaven) and wanted to teach you a million things to sustain you for the rest of your life. Your letter about her is a fine tribute to her. She wants you to carry on and live a happy life - bearing in mind all that she passed down to you when she was here. She'll expect you to miss her always - - - but to carry on and remember all the good times. I had amazing grandparents I felt strong love for. I miss them so much and here's what I do: When I want to have them "visit" me or spend time with me on a particular day, I just silently mention their names.........and they're with me for a few minutes each day. It sounds a bit odd, I'm sure - but I hope your great memories help you for all the years of your life.

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  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 17, 2011 7:48 AM GMT
    There really are no words to fill the absence you're feeling. You can't be expected to get over the loss of your mother in days or weeks. It's a process. It's okay to miss her. It's okay to cry every day. You're healing. You need to move forward on your schedule -- as long as you do move forward. Your mother wouldn't want you to put your life on hold mourning her loss. But give yourself some time.

    Much love,

    Eric
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    Dec 17, 2011 7:58 AM GMT
    Oh my God... this made me cry. I wish I could do or say something beyond I am sorry. I am so sorry and my prayer tonight will go out to you and your mom.

    The only thing I can relate to you is that I am kind of the same. I am Hispanic and my mom is my everything right now. I love her so much. She experienced the same things or similar to what your mom went through.

    I am absolutely sorry. Just pray for her every night and ask to God to hold her for you so one day maybe you can see her again.

    My heart goes out to you and your mom, I am truly very sorry.
  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Dec 17, 2011 8:05 AM GMT
    I hope you will hear what I am writing and consider it as you think about all this. People who die are never victims of anything, it is a part of life, their life and yours. Think of it as a story that continues and "think" to her to visit you in your dreams or sleep time. They really do continue in another dimension, a place where we all came from before we were here, a place or really a state we go back to. In time you may have the clarity to even sense her around you. In other words she is not gone, but rather changed, as we all will be one day. You are not a victim of this either and release all thoughts of being a victim. Ask her to be with you and you will, in a few weeks maybe or earlier begin to sense her spirit. Think of this as a change in your relationship. Do go on to set new goals for your life but always with the idea that you are never a victim of anything and neither is she. Thinking as a victim stops us from growing and being what we came here to experience.
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    Dec 17, 2011 9:08 AM GMT
    I am so sad to hear about your mom. I can't imagine how you are feeling, no one can. I can say that from my own experience, that time will heal your sadness. I am sure that She would want you to continue in your path to a happy life. Remembering your mom and doing your best to move on is the only advice I can give you. From your own statements, She loved you so much and you can show others how much you loved her by continuing to live your life the way she taught you.

    You are in my prayers. I hope that over time your heart will heal itself. My condolences go to you.
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    Dec 17, 2011 9:14 AM GMT
    Seems a lot of us have lost our mothers this year.

    Take your time. Miss her. Go to places you went with her, go to places you would have.

    You'll have many odd dreams about her too. Good luck, and take care of your brother.
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    Dec 17, 2011 9:20 AM GMT
    I'm very sorry for your loss. My mom is going through a really hard time right now because of my dad cheating on her, being physically abusive to her which is why I threw his ass in jail. She has high blood pressue and indeed a lot stronger and successful than she gives herserlf credit for. It was hard coming out to her but now its different. She was watching me reading some articles on here (RJ) about relationships and the sort and she was like... don't worry the one that catches you will be lucky and you can bring him home whenever you want... you are the son I rasied and I don't mind welcoming another son in to this family. It meant alot coming from her. I worry about mine alot like you did with yours and my heart goes out to so much. I will keep you and you family in my prayers through this difficult time. I can't imagine how it would be going on without my mom considering all we have been through together but I know she would want me to keep going as I am sure yours would too. Just thinkofit that you have one more angel keeping watch over your back. Lots of love and hugs my brother.
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    Dec 17, 2011 9:40 AM GMT
    My mother passed away August 25th. It was only six weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer. She also was my "hero" and I was very "proud" of her, too. I told her those very same words.

    I had the luxury of time to be able to tell her all the things she meant to me.

    In retrospect, our years together went by so quickly...

    Life is such a precious gift.
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    Dec 17, 2011 9:43 AM GMT
    I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. She sounds like an amazing woman. Just remember that she'd want you to be happy. Take care of yourself and your brother, and let friends and family help you.

    much love,

    tristan
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    Dec 17, 2011 10:08 AM GMT
    I am so sorry for your loss, reading your post i could feel your pain. I lost my mom when i was 11 and i can not help but be touched by your experience...

    I have to tell you that this is not something you will get over quickly as many people around you expect. In fact it is something you never get over, it just gets easier with time, especially if you have good friends who are there to support you, to listen to you share whatever is on your mind, be it a good memory, sad memory or any spontaneous memory you just want to talk about. Don't let anyone stop you when you talk about her. The more you do that, the faster and more accepting of the loss you become.

    18 years later and i still tear up and cry sometimes when my mom comes to mind all of a sudden, but soon after, a smile covers up my face because the memory of her voice, her smile, anything basically, it fills me with warmth and i know that she is always with me, in my heart and no one will take that away. That is the only comforting thing that comes out of it. It will get easier believe me, even though now it doesn't seem like it. And don't you dare give up or call it quits, you hear me?? Your mom would never accept that, and you would be turning your back on all that she did to raise you and your brother when she did it by herself.

    I hope that you have such friends who will be able to be there for you, no matter how long it will take, and if you don't, i am sure that i and maybe others on here would be more than willing to hear you out.

    You take care, and my prayers to you and your loved ones, and mostly to that one amazing person who is your mom.



    To all those here who have also experienced loss, including the OP of course, I'm sending you all a big hug!
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    Dec 17, 2011 10:47 AM GMT
    This was painful to read. I'm sorry man. You shared so much with her, with the time she had here, and that's a beautiful thing and something to be treasured. Going forward, one day at a time.
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    Dec 17, 2011 10:59 AM GMT
    You will continue the journey. That is what your Mom would have wanted.

    Noticed you worked on a cruise ship. The last time I saw my Mother prior to her being in the hospital was on a cruise ship. One of my sisters and I took my Mother on a cruise a couple of months before a massive stroke took her. The photos of her enjoying the cruise are priceless.

    Can't say much that goes beyond the trite and obvious. It is a process. The plan is for us to outlive our parents, and we have to press on. The memories and values they instill in us is what endures.
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    Dec 17, 2011 12:10 PM GMT
    My mom died three years ago after a sudden, agonizing illness. It was a life-changing loss, as it is for almost everyone who loses a parent.

    What you're going through is tough but it's a pretty normal response. You're feeling it strongly because you had a great mom.

    It probably seems right now that whatever anyone says about things getting better is pretty unbelievable. I felt that way often when I was standing at a bus stop and would suddenly burst out in tears. Or huge, wracking sobs.

    But getting better isn't about forgetting your loss. It's more about all the ways you come to realize you're grateful for what your mom taught you or did for you. I still see or hear things and think, "I should tell mom about that." And even though I can't call her up, it's proof that she hasn't been erased from my life.

    It is important to talk to people--like you did here. It's also important to let yourself experience the sadness, anger, and sometimes howling pain. If you want to bawl like a baby, do it.

    But just keep in mind that your mom didn't do all that she did so that your life would stop when hers did. You know she loved you and you know she wanted you to be happy.
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Dec 17, 2011 12:26 PM GMT
    I lost my mom from cancer three years ago at Christmas. I feel your pain. I really do. I Cant think about her without crying. And I am so irationally jealous of my other half who still has his mum and a raft of relatives.

    GIve me an email if you want to chat.
  • coloradokid

    Posts: 180

    Dec 17, 2011 12:32 PM GMT
    Very sorry to read of your loss. Your Mom sounds like a great lady, and you are a great person for remembering her so fondly. She will always be alive in your thoughts.
    Take care.