Being vulnerable, susceptible and afraid may lead to another failed relationship? Prevention advice needed.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2008 4:15 PM GMT
    Since RobbieRob left, it was clear to me that I am ready for a relationship. However I'm just afraid that this emotional vulnerability is just making me susceptible to jump into a relationship with the next guy who would show interest on weak grounds that may already lead to another failed relationship. Am I still on a rebound? It has been a while now since the last break-up.
    I also feel that I may not be in a position to turn any prospect down since there isn't even any as we speak and I have my own needs too, you know! Have you ever been in the same predicament as I do now? What is a girl to do?
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    Jun 12, 2008 6:51 PM GMT
    Hey Zimster, I feel your pain. It seems to me that you still have things to work out with yourself. All of the fear and the insecurity can not come into your next relationship, since they will destroy it. You need some more time I think. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, since you are already thinking about moving on. I believe that vulnerability is a good thing when it comes to relationships, unless the other person is using this as a way to get to you. And you aren't on the rebound, just hurt. I hope that everything gets better for you, and it will. Give it some more time. All the best luck.
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    Jun 12, 2008 7:02 PM GMT
    Hello Zim. I had no idea you were even in a relationship but I'm sorry to hear that you are no longer in one now.

    Being the kind of jazzed up and euthsiastic person you are I'm sure you can bounce back with the greatest of ease. You're the type of girl who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. Sure you were hurt and you took some off but that doesn't mean you aren't capable of having the same fun (if not better) with someone else. I have no idea how long you've been without but I'm sure it wouldn't be rebounding. Girls'gotta have some fun somehow, huh?

    Go out and have YOUR fun. Discover a few more things about yourself and just be happy. A guy like you shouldn't be so quick to want to get back into a relationship unless it's something you truly desire.
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    Jun 13, 2008 1:30 AM GMT
    Yeah, I do give out the impression that I am not a relationship kind-of-guy.

    I get all depressed when friends advice me that the only way I can meet someone and not scare anyone off is to "tone it down a bit" especially when I attend parties where, ironically, I can be myself which I take full advantage of.

    Anyway, I'm just keeping being me. What I am wary of is that I may just misinterpret kindness for something else. I am just being too receptive and accepting, I guess.
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    Jun 13, 2008 2:10 AM GMT
    i've been in that boat. if you are thinking those things, they're true. my hard-earned experiential advice is to intentionally hold off on a relationship until you are perfectly convinced




    that you would be fine with never having one again.




    i think the harder you want one, the more of a sign it is that you're not ready for one. because you're convinced that the source of the unhappiness and emptiness in your life is your single status... and the truth is that other people can never truly fulfill us... unless we're first existentially and unconditionally happy with ourselves. this isn't self-help bull crap; my own experience has taught me that you have to be happy FIRST, before entering a relationship, for it to work well. if you enter into it convinced that having another person in your life will fulfill you or make you better or happier, its poisoned from the start by your unrealistic expectations and inherent neediness in that mentality. its something i'm still working on personally. hence, my single status lol. but good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 13, 2008 2:14 AM GMT
    Zimmey...you'll be fine love. Just go out and have you fun. Don't even bother thinking about being in a relationship since it will cloud and weigh you down (say the guy who has never been in a realtionship).
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    Jun 13, 2008 2:16 AM GMT
    I agree with a lot of what you're saying czar but I also think there's something to be said that, for many people, a romantic relationship enhances their lives. There's a difference between wanting a relationship to fill the empty void - and wanting a relationship because you're naturally inclined towards intimacy, because you enjoy it. There's a different between wanting a relationship to save your life and wanting a relationship because it can be a source of positivity for you.

    Which is just to say that I think there are no absolutes or rules - I'm not sure you need to be happy with the idea of never having a relationship again to be ready for a healthy relationship. It sounds kind of like an idealized spiritual principle that ultimately amounts to you being way too hard on yourself!

    That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with staying intentionally single in order to get healthy and happy. It's something I've really been focused on recently as well.
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    Jun 13, 2008 2:21 AM GMT
    innerathlete said That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with staying intentionally single in order to get healthy and happy. It's something I've really been focused on recently as well.


    Seems to have worked. You sure look--er--healthy.
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    Jun 13, 2008 3:01 AM GMT
    Truth is, I am happy.. It's just that I wish there was someone there I can share the bliss with. You know? Like someone who'd get me, for instance. I was lucky to have shown this to RobbieRob when he was here. I treated him like my sort of a temp "rehearsal" bf (and now he's not even talking to me! LOL j/k)!
    Of course, I've met some interesting gay guys here who are deffo relationship material but they just don't look at me that way. I feel I've lost my "touch" in sending out signals that may not come across as needy or pathetic. I noticed that my approach to prospective mates is the same whether they are male or female or straight or gay. I do not have the energy anymore to modify my behaviour to people. Am I articulating myself clearly? Is this really all about a matter of acceptance now? That may take forever, if that's the case. icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 13, 2008 9:10 AM GMT
    Just don't fall for the first guy who says 'hi'! icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 13, 2008 10:03 AM GMT
    Well Zimster I have a lot of life experiences in this area having been single for over 10 years after coming out. I was one of those guys that could have happily fallen in love and settled down with the first guy I met and not regretted "sowing my wild oats." That personality trait seems to be common in the males in my family.

    Unfortunately it did not happen and being shy I found it difficult to meet guys who wanted to date me. I did not pick up on the cues, and if I did I was too bashful to approach them. I had opportunities to sleep with guys, and did but I usually felt empty afterwards. I started getting depressed around 32 because I was single and wanted to be in a couple, and did not feel I could relate to other gay people when I went to a bar (ever gone to a gay bar, looked around and felt "I have nothing in common with these people").

    When I tested positive for HIV in 1995 (still don't know how I got it) I resigned myself to dying alone. I was not happy about it, but my mind was at peace. I did not get depressed, I was too busy trying to get better. Then in 1996 when I was least looking for it I developed a crush on a cute Filipino guy at volleyball. I introduced myself right away (which he appreciated because he also was shy) and we started slowly becoming friends. Little did I know that he was looking for someone like me. He eventually made the first move late in 1997 and the rest they say is history.

    It has not been perfect, being single for so long I had developed some bad habits, but I finally have the relationship I always wanted.

    Zimster one thing I have learned about life, it is impossible to pin down. When you think you know the answers and what will happen, it throws you a curve ball and something totally unexpected happens.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 13, 2008 10:51 AM GMT
    After a break-up
    especially after a long term one You're going to need some refractory time
    there's going to be some time required to get your mind straight again (pardon the expression)
    we all need some alone time to get over the last relationship
    give yourself a few months and I think this "fear" will slowly dissipate