Fight or Walk Away?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 5:40 AM GMT
    A couple of weeks ago I met a guy online and we hit it off - one of those connections that you instantly know is different, and stands out among the rest. Physical attraction, common interests, and emotional connection were all there in full-force, and so I let my guard down and we started some heavy communication, which resulted in me going to visit him this past weekend. He was so excited that he convinced me to come out a day earlier so we could get more time in. Though, once I got there, it seemed like he was a little distant, and sure enough the next day he was admitting to me that his ex-boyfriend of 2 year (who he had split from 6 weeks earlier) had been in contact with him a couple days before I got down, and had dug up some intense feelings. Now he was having second thoughts, and had to figure things out with his ex to see if he had made the right decision in breaking up with him. He apologized, and just wanted to be honest, but there was nothing more that could really be said. I was definitely taken by surprise, and got a little emotional, but wasn't angry, and understood how difficult a situation like this was. I ended up leaving that night and stayed at a friends place in the area for the rest of the weekend, having as much fun as I possibly could, but still felt pretty miserable.

    My friends have all pretty much told me to move on, and I'm sure that would be the response from a lot of you. I just haven't been in a situation before where I felt so strongly about a person and the connection. Is it stupid to reach out and let him know that I'm willing to fight or is that just desperate? I'm a big over-analyzer, and sometimes need to be reeled in icon_confused.gif
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    Dec 19, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    If I liked a guy and he fought for me it would be hot. If I did not like him it would be desperate. Here is my advice. One time I dated a guy who broke up with his ex, and I could tell he wasnt over him. His ex went to cal Berkeley and I'm a uc Berkeley football fan. When I wore a cal sweatshirt during the game one day, he couldn't take it because anything cal reminded him of his ex (whom he was convinced is perfect.). When you hit the point that you realize you can't be yourself without reminding him of his ex you realize that it can never work. Move on but don't forget him. I mean give it time. Plenty of fish out there but I wouldnt put too much stock on this guy.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:00 AM GMT
    Move on. It was a 2 year relationship and it's only been 6 weeks since they broke up. They're probably gonna do the on-again, off-again thing for a few months until they really get sick of each other. You don't want to be around that shit. Big waste of your time.
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    Dec 19, 2011 2:07 PM GMT
    I say leave it be, there are to many past feelings for them. It's gonna be a rough ride.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    Move on man.....you will find someone else. I mean lets be honest you are probably one of the most attractive guys on this site so it should not be too hard :=)
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    Dec 19, 2011 2:12 PM GMT
    Don't look at it like "No, not this guy." Just think...."No, not right now." Give it six months, firm. Then re-connect and see if there is still chemistry.

    Six months after a two year relationship would personally be enough for me to be clear-headed so I could think about new possibilities with a potential new BF.
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    Dec 19, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    I agree this one has the cards stacked against it... the distance and the rebound thing. However he was honest about it (eventually) and didn't play you... get to know each other as friends and if in time it is meant to be more, you'll have already laid the ground work. Sorry this happened; I can relate to the feeling of thinking a guy is "perfect" and then getting the spoiler.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 2:25 PM GMT
    djl85, I think waffles are great, but I never enjoyed going out with them. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 3:25 PM GMT
    WALK AWAY.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 3:30 PM GMT
    I thought this was about gangbangs. Never mind.
  • rogerfederer

    Posts: 300

    Dec 19, 2011 3:47 PM GMT
    you should def stick it out. Just bc he isnt ready doesn't mean that you should give up altogether. I guarantee nothing will come of him and his ex-boyfriend, so if ur just patient (he's the stupid one for even considering this) he'll b with you in a short while.
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    Dec 19, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    I say just let him know how you feel and take it from there.

    If you don't get the response that you're looking for, then move on. At least both of you know clearly where each other stands.





  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Dec 19, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    He'll regret it because you're a catch
    But leave him be, I mean six weeks after two years, he's not ready for you and you'll end up being messed around more than anything.

    If he can sort his head and comes running back then possibly, for now, leave them to it and find someone you won't have to share.

    Hug?
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:00 PM GMT
    I'd step back but leave him with a good impression. Make the last call or communication a pleasant, light remembrance for him. That way - later, if he realizes he and his ex are not to be, and his head clears, his memory of you will be positive. Even if he ends up staying with his ex, your memories of each other will be pleasant.

    Good profile btw. If this doesn't end up going your way, I'm betting great things & people are coming your way in the future. Good luck.

    icon_cool.gif
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:03 PM GMT
    Condolences on the disappointment.

    If he's TAKING calls from the ex, AFTER he's convinced you to come out for a visit, he's NOT over the guy, and therefore not available to you, and probably not clear or conscious enough about how he's able to be the other half in being with you. Been there.

    Sometimes these situations reflect back to us where we ourselves are -- are you ready for him - honestly? Are you holding back and onto something? Try directing the analysis inward and have a friendly conversation with yourself.

    After that if you feel strongly about pursuing this fellow, take your 'fight' energy and use it to be clear, direct, honest, and firm with him about who you are (your integrity and self-respect), what you want (in developing a ___ specifically with HIM), and what you'd like him to do (not an ultimatum, just a deadline -- it can be re-negotiated if necessary when you get there).

    Simple response is still: you want his full availability and he's not available fully. You're in the future, he's in the past and till you're both in the present you're both going nowhere together.

    peace.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:04 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI'd step back but leave him with a good impression. Make the last call or communication a pleasant, light remembrance for him. That way - later, if he realizes he and his ex are not to be, and his head clears, his memory of you will be positive. Even if he ends up staying with his ex, your memories of each other will be pleasant.

    Good profile btw. If this doesn't end up going your way, I'm betting great things & people are coming your way in the future. Good luck.

    icon_cool.gif



    NICE!!! I concur.
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:05 PM GMT
    andymackenzie saidI say just let him know how you feel and take it from there.

    If you don't get the response that you're looking for, then move on. At least both of you know clearly where each other stands.







    This!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    I think it's important to realize that this isn't _your_ fight. Whether you stay or go, in some ways, isn't your choice. He will either warm up to you (and yes, it's possible, though somewhat unlikely, that he can both recover from the loss of his last relationship and form a new one with you) or he won't. On the other hand, going into a new relationship having to guard your heart isn't all that fun either (been there).

    I wouldn't dismiss your intense feelings and connection, and with open communication, this sort of thing can work (and he's being very fair to you, it sounds), but you're also not close-by, by the sounds of things.

    I think you did the right thing by giving him his space. See where he leads first (though it really is difficult to be passive).

    Your connection, if it was really there, isn't going to fade away instantly. If it was mutually that strong, he'll come looking for you when he's ready.
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:38 PM GMT
    i feel for you on this one because i know exactly how you must feel. i've always been one to fight for it but i would give it some time. at least then you can both sort out your feelings.

    btw, he really must've gotten you, huh? hard to imagine someone would not fight for you as much as you are willing to fight for them. good luck.
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:46 PM GMT
    I've been in a situation in a way similar to this. I still see the guy, he just doesn't want to date exclusively, which is pretty tough for me, and most likely naive on top of that. But I'm always open with my feelings, and I'm an eternal optimist.

    In your case, I would at least reiterate to him how you felt a strong connection with him, and that even if it takes some time, you want to see where that goes. Then if he turns you down, at least you laid it all out there instead of holding anything back and thinking "what if".
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Dec 19, 2011 4:48 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI'd step back but leave him with a good impression. Make the last call or communication a pleasant, light remembrance for him. That way - later, if he realizes he and his ex are not to be, and his head clears, his memory of you will be positive.



    ^^^^ This ^^^^^ While I'm a big believer for fighting for a relationship when trouble spots come along, this really wasn't at the "relationship" stage yet. These things can't really be forced -- it's either there and the feeling is mutual and the timing right, or it isn't. It's clear that this is one of those times when it just isn't in the cards -- at least not now -- so leave it alone. From reading your profile, you are clearly a bright, handsome, thoughtful "quality guy" and you don't need to grovel to him or anyone else. I wouldn't reach out to him at all. You already put yourself out there and came all the way to see him, and it was basically a waste of your time. If his feelings are mutual, let him reach out to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:52 PM GMT
    You're hot. And, totally available. Seek another guy who is also hot and TOTALLY available.

    Walk away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 4:59 PM GMT
    Your friends have the right idea. This dude isn't quite over his ex yet which means his head isn't in the game 100%. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him to torture himself over mixed feelings.

    I say move on. Once he gets his stuff figured and his emotions in check then maybe but until then you'd be asking for trouble.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 5:06 PM GMT
    How far away did you go to visit this dude before he sprung this on you ?
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    Dec 19, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    Just tell him the truth: You like him. If he is interested at all and can let go of his emotional attachment to his ex, he should pursue you.

    If he doesn't, it wasn't meant to be, atleast not at this moment. He's not in a good place right now obviously so better to not force things in a situation like this.

    Good luck man.