When Infidelity Leads to the End of the Relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2011 7:59 AM GMT
    Here is a real-life scenario I would like your feedback on:

    Person A: "John"
    Person B: "Adrian"
    Person C: "Matt"

    John and Adrian have been having a monogamous relationship for 2 years. For the most part they are reasonably happy in their relationship. Adrian went into the relationship with no previous history of monogamy, though had managed to stay faithful to John because he really loved him. Some time into the relationship Adrian starts browsing online profiles - for reasons unknown - and eventually decides to meet someone he had an interest in stating it's strictly for friendship. He tells his boyfriend about the person he meets (Matt), but reassures his boyfriend that there is nothing to it other than social contact.

    Adrian and Matt start hanging out together socially more often and speaking on the phone on a daily basis. They acknowledge they have a physical attraction to each other but out of respect to John they agree that the connection must remain strictly plutonic. Matt never meets John (the boyfriend of Adrian). Then one evening Adrian and Matt finds themselves alone together (in the apartment Adrian shares with John) and they do what they had both concluded they should never do - have sex. They even leave the apartment when they sense something is about to happen (in an effort to avoid crossing the line) but return some time soon after to follow through with having sex.

    Adrian tells his boyfriend the next day and the relationship ends with John totally distraught, ordering Adrian to move out. Adrian then severs contact with Matt because he feels so guilty about the infidelity. And John loathes Matt (someone he never met) and sees him as the person who "ruined everything." Yes - a 3 way disaster where everyone loses. And, for the record, I am Person C (Matt) in this scenario. I feel terrible for my contribution to this sad situation, especially given my own history with being on the receiving end of infidelity.

    I know that Adrian and myself are both guilty and responsible for this mess. And I understand why John has such loathing for me. What I don't understand is why Adrian allowed this (the infidelity) to happen if he had some sense it would lead to the end of both his relationship with his boyfriend and his friendship with me. Is there anything I can learn from this? Clearly the one lesson that is obvious to me is to never allow myself to become so emotionally involved with someone who is in a relationship and to not be so naive as to think the physical attraction would never be acted on. It's also reminder to me that it's reasonable to feel suspicious and anxious if your boyfriend develops some kind of "interest" in another man but says "it's nothing."

    And to John, someone I never met - I am truly sorry. I really am. icon_sad.gif If I had had another foresight to see what a disaster this would become, I would never have allowed passion to cloud my judgment so badly.
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    Dec 19, 2011 9:17 AM GMT
    Two quotes I stumbled across which resonate with me after the fact:

    "Respect someone else's relationship even if they don't respect it themselves." (don't collude with someone who is willing to cheat)

    "I am not responsible for another person's relationship, but I am responsible for my own ethics." (don't do to someone else what you wouldn't want to happen to you)

    I wish these quotes had been in my head when I was about to make a very bad choice...
  • MikemikeMike

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    Dec 19, 2011 9:55 AM GMT
    Yet the 10,000th reason to always wear a condom.

    If person C was poz and had unprotected sex with person B. Then person B had unpotected sex with person A.
    A very posible scenario is person A ends up poz and broken hearted.icon_idea.gificon_idea.gificon_idea.gificon_idea.gificon_idea.gificon_idea.gificon_idea.gif

    Person A feels so stupid because he swore he was in a monogamous relationship. Now person A has increased medical bills more lost days at work and a decreased lifespan. All because of person B, the ass hat, lying, douchebag SOB that so many men in monogamous relationships swear their man is not at all like person B.icon_idea.gif

    So many men on here are person C and don't even know it.icon_idea.gif

    Not against monogamy, BUT I am a realist. Protect yourself-don't be stupid or naive.

    3 out of 4 hetero marriages end in divorce. In our community it is much much higher. Prenups work in your favor as well men!!

    OP hopefully your wiser now.
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    Dec 19, 2011 10:26 AM GMT
    Mike - I agree with your comments.

    The only consolation here for Person A is that Person B informed his boyfriend of the infidelity straight after it happened, so there was no chance for them to have sex again. So Person B at least gave his boyfriend the information he needed to make an informed decision about the relationship. You know that plenty of guys (straight or gay) cheat on their partners and never fess up, which is even worse in my opinion - and catastrophic if they are having unprotected sex when cheating and then bringing that back into the r/ship.

    And even though their relationship is not my business, I encouraged Person B to confess about the infidelity because I just couldn't stand knowing that Person A had been cheated on and that I was part of the recipe that made that cheating occur.

    And what strikes me about this situation is that everyone lost. I lost a friend. Person B lost his boyfriend and his friend (me). And Person A lost trust, hope and a r/ship he had invested so much emotion into...




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    Dec 19, 2011 12:46 PM GMT
    This recently happened to a friend of mine. His monogamous BF decided to change the monogamous part without discussing it with my friend, his now former lover, and ended up infecting my friend with HIV. So, I agree with a previous response, condoms always, but also, not sure what to say, because most of us hope to have a deep and loving LTR someday where we can drop the constant condom routine and enjoy life without constantly slipping into rubber. Then your friends lover does this.

    Since my buddy is dealing with this sort of betrayal right now, all I am going to say is that when two gay men commit to one another and someone wants to fuck around, I personally believe there is a bigger threat to HIV infection and thus a bigger ethical responsibility to be honest. If my friends partner had been honest, my friend would not be HIV positive today. It is that simple.

    What pisses me off is this attitude of disrespect. Don't offer something you have no intention of following thru on. Monogamy has a very clear definition, and when people commit to it, both parties are putting their lives in that trust. For me, if you want to change that definition, the very least you should do before fucking someone else is inform the person you supposedly love.

    I know, straight people fuck around all the time, but HIV is still not the major issue as it is in the gay community. I have not asked my friend what his response would have been had his ex had come to him and said he wanted an open relationship, but since his irresponsible ex did not bother to do that, that question is nil.
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    Dec 19, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    OH boy.

    A key component of a relationship is DISCIPLINE. A lot of gay men have very little self control, and the sexual market place in the gay world just exacerbates the issue.

    I have never been cheated on, so I am not attacking you, and I this is not coming from a place of bitterness. But c'mon.........you knew.

    When you see a pic of someone and it tickles your balls a little, you know that. You knew you were attracted to this guy, and you made a choice. But you are the side piece so whatever decision you made is irrelevant.

    If i am with a guy, and he breaks a commitment to me with some other guy, I'm mad at him not the guy. MY bf made a promise to me, but his boy-toy didn't promise me anything. So I can't be pissed at him.

    Gay guys crack me up, thinking you can have grindr and manhunt and all that stuff and be in a relationship and never cheat. It's just beyond stupid.

    If you look at any successful long term relationship, one key factor is that partners sidestep TEMPTATION.

    idk why people insist on being on these sites and apps.....that are all about sex. What are they looking for? friends? Yeah ok.

    I've never got a message on grindr or manhunt saying "hey dude we share similar hobbies, let's be friends."

    You BOTH knew what you were doing. No sympathy here. IDK what kind of feedback you want?

    You didn't fuck up this dudes relationship, because it was his responsibillity.

    In the the demise of this relationship, you are the home depot.

    He did it. You just helped.
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    Dec 19, 2011 5:32 PM GMT
    You act surprised by this. Why? So basically what you are saying is that Person C (you) is the a home wrecker.

    Honesty would've kept Person B from cheating in the first place or even instigating the possibility of cheating by browsing profiles online and actually meeting someone while in a relationship and if Person C had any dignity and integrity then he (you) would never have done it.

    Person B & C both fucked up this relationship because they had the power to just say no and didn't. I'm sorry but from my view you aren't in a position to feel sorry about this because if you truly didn't want something like this to happen then you never would've let it happen. You knew what was going on and you elected not to nip it in the bud. Granted, you aren't the only person to blame for this but you can't act like a victim and be all remorseful about it. You knew better and ignored to do the right thing. You got greedy, got weak and got selfish. Simple as that.

    You say you've been on the receiving end of infidelity? I find that hard to believe given this scenario, which would suggest you didn't do a good job of learning and taking it to heart the first time around. Fail.

    Hope you learned your lesson THIS time.
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    Dec 19, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    This is somewhat similar to the situation with me and my best friend, who has a boyfriend but the relationship is long distance. We've never done anything, though the sexual tension is obvious to anyone seeing us interact. The difference is, though, that part of our attraction to each other - such as it is - is that he is a man of integrity and I respect him for his loyalty to his boyfriend. I know for a fact that I would not be attracted to him anymore if I thought he would betray his boyfriend, even for me. Paradoxically, the thing that makes him attractive to me (apart from the deep personal connection and him having an incredible body hah) is the very thing that will keep us from ever doing anything together.

    Any man who will cheat with you will cheat on you. And treachery is not attractive.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:00 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]wondering2010 said[/cite]Here is a real-life scenario I would like your feedback on:

    Person A: "John"
    Person B: "Adrian"
    Person C: "Matt"

    Simple Algebra: B+C = B-A = X

    "I feel terrible for my contribution to this sad situation, especially given my own history with being on the receiving end of infidelity."

    Apparently not, because it wasn't enough to prevent you from doing it to someone else. Empathy requires more than understanding.

    "I know that Adrian and myself are both guilty and responsible for this mess.
    What I don't understand is why Adrian allowed this (the infidelity) to happen..."

    In one sentence you accept responsibility, in the next you place it all on Adrian. YOU allowed this to happen, YOU enabled him (Adrian)

    Sorry, but we are responsible for our own actions. You can't tell me that you weren't hoping all along you would end up in the sack with the guy, that was what you two were leading up to the whole time. What was the website you met him on "singlegayguylookingfortakengayguysfornonsexualfriendshiponly.com?"

    You expressed anger at Adrian because he destroyed his relationship with John and his friendship with you. What if he had not also walked away from you? Would things be different for you? Would you have posted here?

    Take another good long look at yourself.

    Next time, when you meet someone you think is hot and is in a relationship. Meet him AND his partner. Invite THEM out to dinner. Hang out with THEM at a party. It's really not that difficult to respect other people's relationships, you just gotta try.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:03 PM GMT
    ^This.

    I like this guy. Thinks just like me.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:08 PM GMT
    I'm not sure how much you are to blame here though OP. My take is that if Adrian didn't do it with you, he would have done it with another person. You were just there to enable him. The fact that Adrian cheated says more about John and his relationship than anything else, that there was an underlying issue that is not resolved or this relationship should have ended a while ago.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:12 PM GMT
    I was 'Person A' in one of my relationships. My b.f. and I were monogamous for a long time until he met a 'Person C' in his office. 'Person C' was older, and a shark really - and he pursued my b.f. 'Person B' but my b.f. was not innocent - he liked the attention and flattery he was receiving from this new co-worker. I finally figured out something was not right, when my b.f. began mentioning 'Person C' in conversations. I tried to talk my b.f. into realizing that his 'Person C' was already in a relationship (married) and was not a good person to be spending time with. Nothing worked. Finally 'Person B - my b.f.' and 'Person C' began to sneak around. I tried again to talk some sense into him and when I put my foot down, they got an apartment together. Two relationships ruined.

    I talked (got counseling) with a brilliant Episcopalian priest and here's what he said I could have done: He said that when the friendship started with my b.f. and his 'Person C' I should have inserted myself into the situation. The counselor said I should have made it a threesome (not sexually) but he meant I should not have let my b.f. spend so much time with this new guy alone. The counselor felt I could have prevented things from getting out of hand if I had always been a presence. The counselor suggested that when my b.f. said he was going to see or do things with 'Person C' then I should have gone with them, or even just appeared there - if it was a public place - like a restaurant. He felt I would have shown 'Person C' that I wasn't going anyplace and that he should just back off.

    I wish I'd realized how serious things were getting with my b.f. and 'Person C' and maybe I could have stopped it. But really - - can you stop someone who is not faithful and is dying to stray?
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:13 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidI'm not sure how much you are to blame here though OP. My take is that if Adrian didn't do it with you, he would have done it with another person. You were just there to enable him. The fact that Adrian cheated says more about John and his relationship than anything else, that there was an underlying issue that is not resolved or this relationship should have ended a while ago.


    Oh, right. They left the bank vault open so its not your fault you took the money?

    Dude, this guy's actions were separate from whatever issues the other two had. If their relationship was on the rocks, you don't do your best to help end it. That says equally as much about your character as it does their relationship.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:15 PM GMT
    I was about to say the same thing.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:16 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI was 'Person A' in one of my relationships. My b.f. and I were monogamous for a long time until he met a 'Person C' in his office. 'Person C' was older, and a shark really - and he pursued my b.f. 'Person B' but my b.f. was not innocent - he liked the attention and flattery he was receiving from this new co-worker. I finally figured out something was not right, when my b.f. began mentioning 'Person C' in conversations. I tried to talk my b.f. into realizing that his 'Person C' was already in a relationship (married) and was not a good person to be spending time with. Nothing worked. Finally 'Person B - my b.f.' and 'Person C' began to sneak around and when I put my foot down, they got an apartment together. Two relationships ruined.

    I talked (got counseling) with a brilliant Episcopalian priest and here's what he said I could have done. He said that when the friendship started with my b.f. and his 'Person C' that I should have inserted myself into the situation. The counselor said I should have made it a threesome (not sexually) but he meant I should have not let my b.f. spend so much time with this new guy alone. The counselor felt I could have prevented things from getting out of hand if I had always been a presence. He felt I would have shown 'Person C' that I wasn't going anyplace and that he should just back off.

    I wish I'd realized how serious things were getting with my b.f. and 'Person C' and maybe I could have stopped it. But really - - can you stop someone who is not faithful and is dying to stray?


    What you said... but I told the kid it was person Cs responsibility to include person A... not the other way around. Yup, the relationship with the third party and the couple should be 2 on 1.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:19 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidI was about to say the same thing.


    I don't get that mentality. Completely amoral. "their relationship was bad, my fucking his boyfriend wasn't the problem".

    I used to go around and around with a buddy of mine who would screw around with guys in relationships. Made no sense to me. He would tell me "I'm not in a relationship so I'm not the one who's cheating".
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:24 PM GMT
    sdgman said
    Cityaznguy saidI'm not sure how much you are to blame here though OP. My take is that if Adrian didn't do it with you, he would have done it with another person. You were just there to enable him. The fact that Adrian cheated says more about John and his relationship than anything else, that there was an underlying issue that is not resolved or this relationship should have ended a while ago.


    Oh, right. They left the bank vault open so its not your fault you took the money?

    Dude, this guy's actions were separate from whatever issues the other two had. If their relationship was on the rocks, you don't do your best to help end it. That says equally as much about your character as it does their relationship.


    What was wrong with my argument that if Adrian didn't do it with the OP he would have done with another person? Where did I say that the OP should get a pad on the back? Your reading comprehension level needs a checkup.

    And that analogy with the bank vault open = fail. There are people who are honest who would just NOT take the money even when it is dangling in front of them. Your failed logic says more about you than it says about me.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:29 PM GMT
    wondering2010 said
    "They acknowledge they have a physical attraction to each other . . . . "


    No one--and I mean, no one (gay or straight)--should be alone with the person with whom he/she shares an acknowledged mutual physical attraction if he/she is in a committed, monogamous relationship. If you did, you'd be inviting trouble. It's a temptation that not many people can resist given the right confluence of circumstances.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:29 PM GMT
    sdgman said
    Guy101 saidI was about to say the same thing.


    I don't get that mentality. Completely amoral. "their relationship was bad, my fucking his boyfriend wasn't the problem".

    I used to go around and around with a buddy of mine who would screw around with guys in relationships. Made no sense to me. He would tell me "I'm not in a relationship so I'm not the one who's cheating".


    Bitch please! Get the fuck out broseph. This guy cheated, it doesnt matter who he cheated with but he cheated. Who gives a fuck that it was the OP. The OP owes nothing to the guy and the guy getting cheated on. Comparing the OP to someone robing a bank shows how morally retarded you are. Fact of the matter, when it comes to sex, we are talking about a grey area here, not a black and white fact. Please show some inkling of intelligence before commenting.

    Try again sdgman, maybe after you pass the second grade.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    I have no idea what you expected when you posted this thread. I guess you might get one out of ten people saying you did nothing wrong because you weren't the one cheating on his boyfriend. However, in my opinion, you definitely did something wrong and it doesn't seem like you're accepting responsibility. I was struck by the line: "What I don't understand is why Adrian allowed this (the infidelity) to happen if he had some sense it would lead to the end of both his relationship with his boyfriend and his friendship with me." Here's what I'd guess going on the information you provided:

    (1) Adrian didn't really care if it led to the end of both relationships because he thought he'd get away with it. You were fine never meeting his boyfriend and just having your separate one with him. He were basically a great person to cheat with since you didn't seem to care much about his relationship status.
    (2) Despite having been cheated on, you don't accept responsibility for your actions.
    (3) You didn't really care what it would do to your relationship with Adrian or his relationship with John.

    At the end of the day, you need to decide what kind of man you are. Are you one that respects other people's promises/relationships? Sure, we all make mistakes, but when we do, we should accept responsibility and not pretend that things "just happened." You even phrase it as "Adrian and Matt finds themselves alone together." How'd that happen bud?
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    Yes, I know I made a big mistake and I wish I could change what happened. But I can't. If it's not clear from my posts that I am deeply remorseful for my part in this mess, then perhaps I need to shout that out a bit louder. I am, honestly.

    I purposely left out very key points of information that would have put some of what happened into context. But I didn't do that so it's perhaps hard to fathom some of the actions of all parties involved in this situation. Suffice to say though, I'm very disappointed about my contribution to the breakdown of this situation.

    The were much bigger problems with this relationship and with Adrian that were beyond me. The huge mistake I made was allowing myself to become caught up in something that was high risk for ending in disaster.

    Human beings are not perfect. We make mistakes. The only way to recover from such mistakes is to acknowledge them, experience the consequences of the action/s, and them hopefully never repeat the error. What other option do I have?

    Thanks for the comments thus far - even the ones that slam me. If I wasn't interested in hearing real opinions - including harsh ones - I would not have posted here.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:38 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    sdgman said
    Guy101 saidI was about to say the same thing.


    I don't get that mentality. Completely amoral. "their relationship was bad, my fucking his boyfriend wasn't the problem".

    I used to go around and around with a buddy of mine who would screw around with guys in relationships. Made no sense to me. He would tell me "I'm not in a relationship so I'm not the one who's cheating".


    Bitch please! Get the fuck out broseph. This guy cheated, it doesnt matter who he cheated with but he cheated. Who gives a fuck that it was the OP. The OP owes nothing to the guy and the guy getting cheated on. Comparing the OP to someone robing a bank shows how morally retarded you are. Fact of the matter, when it comes to sex, we are talking about a grey area here, not a black and white fact. Please show some inkling of intelligence before commenting.

    Try again sdgman, maybe after you pass the second grade.


    Read what the OP wrote.

    The bank robbery comment was an A NAL O GY. Look it up, I'm not going to explain it to you, but it appears I'm not the one needing to repeat second grade.

    Show some inkling of moral conscience before entering society. Or not... beatch

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    Dec 19, 2011 6:41 PM GMT
    sdgman said
    Chainers said
    sdgman said
    Guy101 saidI was about to say the same thing.


    I don't get that mentality. Completely amoral. "their relationship was bad, my fucking his boyfriend wasn't the problem".

    I used to go around and around with a buddy of mine who would screw around with guys in relationships. Made no sense to me. He would tell me "I'm not in a relationship so I'm not the one who's cheating".


    Bitch please! Get the fuck out broseph. This guy cheated, it doesnt matter who he cheated with but he cheated. Who gives a fuck that it was the OP. The OP owes nothing to the guy and the guy getting cheated on. Comparing the OP to someone robing a bank shows how morally retarded you are. Fact of the matter, when it comes to sex, we are talking about a grey area here, not a black and white fact. Please show some inkling of intelligence before commenting.

    Try again sdgman, maybe after you pass the second grade.


    Read what the OP wrote.

    The bank robbery comment was an A NAL O GY. Look it up, I'm not going to explain it to you, but it appears I'm not the one needing to repeat second grade.

    Show some inkling of moral conscience before entering society. Or not... beatch



    I dont need to read what the OP wrote douchebag, and seriously broseph get your own insults. If you arent smart enough to compete with me dont even try, you just make your point look more and more pathetic.

    Fact of the matter is being the other girl doesnt make you morally corrupt, it makes you a tool of the guy, that is all. To put blame on the OP for "allowing" a cheating spouse to cheat is retarded. About as retarded as you. Maybe lay off the paint chips for a bit and you might be able to see that rere.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:42 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidwondering2010 said
    "They acknowledge they have a physical attraction to each other . . . . "


    No one--and I mean, no one (gay or straight)--should be alone with the person with whom he/she shares an acknowledged mutual physical attraction if he/she is in a committed, monogamous relationship. If you did, you'd be inviting trouble. It's a temptation that not many people can resist given the right confluence of circumstances.


    I agree. You have highlighted one of the things that I have learned from this situation. I theoretically knew this beforehand, but this was really the first time where the consequences were going to impact on a third party.
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    Dec 19, 2011 6:44 PM GMT
    City, the fact of the matter is that Matt shouldn't have fucked around with someone who was already in a relationship. He was aware of this and ignored it, which is funny as hell because the OP said he's been on the receiving end of infidelity. With that comment alone you'd think he'd be a little more understanding of the situation.

    The bank vault comparison is pretty spot on. Door was wide open and Matt decided to step through it on his own accord knowing what would happen. That shows he lacked self control and just didn't give a fuck, which really puts more questioning on his character.

    Regardless of what kind of problems John & Adrian where having in the relationship, City, Matt didn't have to come in and be the wrecker of it. He could've been the better person and bowed out. Clearly that didn't happen.


    Chainers...on one hand you are right. You'd be right if the OP didn't know Adrian was in a relationship. Then he'd be a tool used for cheating.

    However, The OP knew this Adrian fellow was in a relationship, knew he had strong physical attractions to Adrian and knew that he shouldn't have done anything with him. He had control of the situation and basically let his dick do the driving even though he said he's been in a similar situation. Morally, that's fucked up on the OP's side.