Jesus, my knees and an imminent miracle

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    Jul 23, 2007 11:23 PM GMT
    I am in urgent need of advice.

    Yesterday, I awoke from a nap and went looking for my partner. I walked out on the front porch and he was there with a guy about 25, who was smiling insanely and was dressed in filthy clothes.

    "I'm so glad to see you," he said. "You're the reason. I'm here."

    "Oh?" I said.

    "Yes," he said, "I'm here to heal your knees. I read about them in the paper and looked up your address."

    (I have written publicly, as I have here several times, that I ruptured the patellar tendons in both my knees a year ago and had surgery that was botched. It will have to be redone and there's no guarantee that it will work a second time, either.)

    I said: "How do yo propose to do that?"

    He said: "It ain't nothin' for Jesus to put your knees right,man."

    I looked at my partner who was smiling evilly. "He healed his own bipolar disorder," my partner said.

    "Thass a fack," the guy said. He was grinning like a, um, manic lunatic and I realized Jesus had not done such a good job with curing his bipolar disorder.

    "I'm really too sleepy to be healed right now," I said.

    "I just want to pray over your knees," he said. "It don't matter if you're awake."

    I told him I wanted to be alert if Jesus was gonna fuck with my knees. He said he understood and would be back later in the week. He's already come by once today. I didn't answer the door.

    He is a nice young lunatic. Should I accept this pending miracle or tell him Jesus ain't for me?



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    Jul 24, 2007 1:54 AM GMT
    Why did your partner let him in the house in the first place....? And he was filthy...?

    You have descried your knees to me in extensive detail... If he can heal them, please let me know...

    Why don't you ask him how many praying session it will take to see an actual improvement..? Let's say..., 3 sessions of prayer a week for 3 weeks will result in increased ability to squat to 100 deg of knee flexion with 200 pounds 12 reps for 3 sets without pain...?

    Just make sure your partner is presetn during all "treatment" sessions...
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    Jul 24, 2007 2:14 AM GMT
    He didn't come in the house. He was on the front porch. My partner said he didn't tell him to go away because he thought I might get a story out of it.

    Anyway, he left a note on the door promising to come back tomorrow. My knees are being stalked by a Christian fundamentalist with untreated bipolar disorder.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:01 AM GMT
    Good opportunity to come up with an objective study!!!!

    Go with it and tell all afterwards!

    He does not have scabbies or anything like that.., does he?
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:38 AM GMT
    My question would be how hard will he be to get rid of? a: if I let him pray will that be it and I'm done with him, b: do I turn him down right away -- maybe hard as he may be a persistant bugger. Actually either way you may be stuck with him for awhile as he might always want to come check on progress after he's prayed for you. Who knows what his end point is -- he may decide you're 'cured' after he's prayed for you no matter what actually happens to the knees.
    But probably not something were rational reason discourse will hold sway.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:55 AM GMT
    Man-o-man ... you can fuck with the gods, but, baby, NOT with the knees.


    I'm at a loss for any other kind of advice.
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    Jul 24, 2007 5:20 AM GMT
    go for it! it sounds like fun. The worst than can happen is he comes back, and you could always tell him to go away. I'm sure your readers would love to hear about the crazy homeless healer who tried to pray away the pain.
  • trebor965

    Posts: 200

    Jul 24, 2007 5:26 AM GMT
    double dog dare you! know dirty HAS to heal your knees.
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    Jul 24, 2007 5:31 AM GMT
    And if it works?
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    Jul 24, 2007 7:35 AM GMT
    "And if it works?"....

    We'll all be in church on Sunday praying for DOMS relief!
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    Jul 24, 2007 10:08 AM GMT
    Dress your partner up like Jesus and while the guy is praying over your knees, have your partner sneak up on him, tap him on the shoulders and then say "YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH PRAYER!".
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    Jul 24, 2007 10:28 AM GMT
    "I'm sure your readers would love to hear about the crazy homeless healer who tried to pray away the pain."

    I can't write about it because he's involved in the Pentecostal church whose food-for-the-poor program my neighbor runs. My neighbor is nuts too. I don't want him turning big plastic swimming pools on their side in front of all my windows again.

    As it happens, his note says he's coming while I'll be conducting group therapy this evening. Perhaps I will invite him in to give Jesus a try at neurosis. "We have a special guest tonight..."

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    Jul 24, 2007 10:32 AM GMT
    "Who knows what his end point is -- he may decide you're 'cured' after he's prayed for you no matter what actually happens to the knees."

    Oh, that is already clear. I explained to him that my kneecaps had moved and to repair them would require restoration to their original location.

    He assured me that "Jesus don't care where your kneecaps are. They ain't got to move. Jesus will heal them right where they are."

    My car over-heated yesterday. Maybe when he comes by I could ask Jesus to fix the car instead of my knees.
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    Jul 24, 2007 12:50 PM GMT
    Personally, I wouldn't chance it. He may actually site his prayer hands over your genitals and pray for you to be straight. Nobody wants that.
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    Jul 24, 2007 1:21 PM GMT
    i think this comes down to the power of the mind bag'o'tricks.

    Theres a lot of little old ladies in little remote houses here that get a visit from people afflicted with such and such, skin problems, back problems, etc. And they lay the voodoo, faith healing, curse (what ever you like to call it) down and stone the crows the person thinks or actually is healed.

    I've heard plenty of it happening, an older friend of mine had desperate dermititus on his hands, crippled with it (apparently diseal at petrol pumps made it worse) and he couldn't find a doctor to figure out a cure.

    He heard of this woman well out of the way in this caravan that had "THE CURE" so after many doctors, rubs, tablets, pastes etc he decided 'what the hell, it can't get any worse'

    He never told me what she said, but that after she finished mumbling, she spat on his hand and that was it.

    2 days later, dermititus be gone. That was about 10yrs ago.

    Now what the hell happened, i have no clue, this friend is an eternal skeptic, if he can't see it working right in front of him and working instantly he won't believe it. But there you go, crippling dermatitus on his hands gone.

    The point is, a lot of this faith healing is in the mind of the healer and healed. Its like the placebo that inexplicably works. The Human mind as of yet unexplored to its ends, is not understood to the feats that it has achieved.

    Maybe these people who get better just believe it and there minds make it happen, who knows?

    In this case Obscene, you and i know and everyone else knows about your botched surgery, you know where your knee caps are and where they should be and understand what has to be don't physically and medically to fix it. So your skepticism that this Jesus channeller could do anything is ingrained on your mind.

    Do i think he could do it? Nope, why? The feast of St Blaze (5th february i think) is when the church blesses everyones throat against illness, did it work, hell no, many years of tonsilitis and a tonsiliectamy (sp) kinda blew that one out of the water, (and the regrowth of my left tonsil, due to the fact that the doctor left part of it behind, so now i get 1-tonsilitis about twice a year). So there is little faith in me regarding the miracles of the church.

    However, how many have been to an acupuncturist? or a reiki practitioner? Why do you go to theses practioners of other ancient therapies, that base there theories on energy flows and chi balancing? (This isn't meant to be inflammatory) I have gone to both, on several occasions.

    During my Reiki session i came out from it feeling the most peaceful in my life, i floated across the rest of NZ.

    I suppose its the concept of mind over matter. Could you open your mind to the possiblity that he might fix your knee? Do you want a homeless bi-polar jesus freak to be the answer to your prayers? Possibly indebted to him in some way? (These are just some of the thoughts that would run through my head).


    Whats the worst that could happen? It doesn't work and you have to pay for the surgery anyway, and the world of faith is subjected to another blow to its concrete foundation.
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    Jul 24, 2007 1:50 PM GMT
    go ahead give it a shot
    live on the wild side
    maybey a miracle will happen
    at worst nothing happens and you end up with at least a good laugh
    if the docs cant fix it well who knows maybey a badly dressed miracle bringer can

    would you consider it diffrently if he was well dressed etc
    or is it the prayer thing that makes you skeptical
    anyway let us know
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    Jul 24, 2007 2:22 PM GMT
    I suppose videotaping the therapy session is out of order?
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    Jul 24, 2007 2:23 PM GMT
    Does Jesus heal polesmokers? And by doing so, does that mean he is validating our orientation?
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    Jul 24, 2007 2:39 PM GMT
    validation =acceptance

    Healing suggests that something was wrong

    So no he would not be validating our orientation

    Only healing a sin, therefore, No Jesus would not be accepting, if he healed polesmokers.

    Just trying to cop a feel.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:06 PM GMT
    "I suppose videotaping the therapy session is out of order?"

    It ain't therapy. It's hands-on healing. You know: Like I do when I wrap my hands around your forehead from behind.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:24 PM GMT
    don't. just don't.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:27 PM GMT
    Surf Warrior: I've tried all kinds of alternative modalities for various things over the years, including energy medicine. As I reported in another thread here last week, a repairman gave me a reiki treatment last week after fixing my washing machine. I am beset by strangeness!

    The problem I have with faith healing is that, as the name suggests, when it doesn't work, the patient gets blamed for having insufficient faith. There is also something peculiar to me about a God who grants selective healing to the devout.

    I followed a faith healer, the incredibly strange Earnest Angeley, for a magazine years ago. Earnest, who healed people by slapping them, was obviously gay, had a musical group called the "Singing Men" and regularly talked about his "beloved wife," a mystery woman who was conveniently dead. Pictures of her grave were flashed on TV whenever he mentioned her.

    Anyway, I saw some strange shit during his "crusade" but never anything that couldn't be explained.
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:30 PM GMT
    Earnest! OMIGOD! We used to get stoned and watch his program and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.


    YOU AH HAYULLED! {slam to the forehead}
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:31 PM GMT
    "don't. just don't."

    Don't what?
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    Jul 24, 2007 3:39 PM GMT
    decline the offer.