Is there a process to dealing with confusion after abuse?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 8:01 AM GMT
    I fell in love, once. Earlier this year we got engaged. It felt right, it felt crazy, love for the first time; like something out of the movies.

    He confessed shortly after that he was HIV+ and had HPV. I'm not the kind who sporadically sleeps with strangers nor anyone until I feel secure in an LTR. No biggie, I thought, we'd gone without sex for months. We were in love and so long as we're safe when the time's right, I thought.

    A few weeks later we embarked on an adventurous 9 day hotel trek around Texas. It was fun the first few days, but then I noticed a very strange behavioral change, he confessed he felt like a monster at times. I felt we needed time apart, he declined, we continued.

    Middle of the week we had a fight, over bed sheets in the hotel and then another over luggage. Very odd, I thought. That night he continued to be mad, over nothing. It was late so I took a shower and slipped into bed, he proceeded to do the same after me. When he slipped into bed he kissed me hard. Weird taste. I noticed it was blood. He had purposely cut his gums and then kissed me with the sole ambition to infect me with HIV. Moments later I was forced into a situation I never wish to encounter again. It was safe, but, it was not consensual. Mortified, shocked, numb.

    I woke the next day much later than I had planned. I tried to push the prior night's experience to the back of my mind. We didn't talk about it, we continued to be. Two days later, we had another fight about nothing. There was tension in the car. The relationship ended abruptly. Both of us were confused. More so about what had just happened.

    It's been six months. It;s taken this entire time to let go of hope for what could have been, and reinvent myself. I wonder if a part of me died back then for I've lost a tiny bit of confidence in myself and yet gained so much more professionally. Is it normal to feel guilty about something you haven't done? Or am I confusing emotions with self blame for letting a complete psycho in to my life and so close to me? I loved him with every fiber of my being, back then. There is no bitterness, nor anger. I've never cried over it like he has. I feel nothing.

    I wonder if anybody has been in a similar situation? and if so, how you dealt with it? Is this part of the process? Is there a process?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 12:39 PM GMT
    Im sorry this happened to you... I cannot think how I would react in such a situation... it will take time but the fact you can talk about it is an important step.. much love and encouragement to you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 12:57 PM GMT
    There IS a process, for sure.

    Seek professional help! These are traumatic experiences and deserve to be treated and taken very seriously.... You are feeling the effects, 6 months later.

    Your ex sounds like he has a mix of borderline and antisocial personality traits... which is not a fun thing.

    I'm sorry this happened to you. I can imagine one feeling "guilty" for various internal reasons... however in this case it doesnt really make sense to feel guilty. You didnt do anything wrong. Perhaps the guilt is a way to feel that you did something wrong and thus had some control over the situation. Doesn't sound to me like you had control, or that you did anything wrong.

    The numbness is an important (non)feeling that should be discussed. Its your mind's way of protecting you.... Talk to someone professional who has experience with trauma and relationships. They are out there.

    Best of luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    I would agree with your ex, he is a mental monster. You did nothing wrong. I hope you are ok and like the rest, I think it is wise to seek help.

    I can't believe he tried to kiss you with a bloody mouth, that's an attempt to murder someone. icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 4:33 PM GMT
    Sadly, there is no light at the end of the tunnel (in regards to forgetting what happened). Usually people who are involved in abuse (esp. the victim) live with the abuse forever. The worst part is the flashes of images and situations that are etched in your memory and sporadically pop up. I think the difference is whether they takes control of your life or if you acknowledge the feelings and try to work with them.

    I will say, professional help would be great. I can speak from personal experience that while helpful, it doesn't totally alleviate those feelings. I don't want to tell you not to feel bad or guilty, but victims of abuse usually have these feelings. Abusers take control of people and situations. It is important to remember the situation has already happened, and you can't change the past. But you can try to change your perception of the event and the feelings that come with it.

    I am not a doctor, but I can relate to the experience you described. Know that you are not alone, and other people are on this journey with you (for support or otherwise).


    icon_twisted.gificon_evil.gificon_twisted.gificon_evil.gificon_twisted.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 6:13 PM GMT
    File an assault charge.....tell anyone who this guy could be dating what he did.....get tested.

    Lastly, go talk to a counselor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    Like vibramrunner said. Seek professional help, it's the best option out there. The one thing you should do is get tested now and again in 6 months. This will give you as much piece of mind as anything because the physical abuse is only a small part of what he did/tried to do to you. As for if you should press charges, that's up to you no one else can make that decision for you. Most importantly is to take care of you and give yourself credit for 1) making it through this and 2) being strong enough to ask for help.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 7:39 PM GMT
    Kalifornication said
    I can't believe he tried to kiss you with a bloody mouth, that's an attempt to murder someone. icon_eek.gif
    You're 38 and you still spout this trash? Gawd.........
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    icon_eek.gif

    WTF did I just read? Fuck it, I'm just gonna stay inside.
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Dec 21, 2011 8:02 PM GMT
    Sadly, psychos exist, and it can be impossible to recognize their issues before they surface in dangerous ways, sometimes.

    But, not everyone is a psycho. Let this experience hurt (which it should, that sucks), but do your best not to let it colour your future perceptions. Also, it sounds like you now know some good warning signs. If you ever feel that sort of discomfort or alarm in the future with another guy, you'll know better than to just dismiss it. It's important to trust when our gut's telling us that something's off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 8:03 PM GMT
    file.php?40,file=20505,filename=thats_ra
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 8:17 PM GMT
    Yikes, I am really sorry that happened to you. You may be in a form of shock because you're not ready to process what happened. There is a known subculture of "gift-givers" who seek to infect other people. I am not sure what drives it other than anger about what has happened to them, but it's obviously not a healthy way to deal with it. That is not your problem, though; the main thing to understand is that you did not deserve or "ask for" this to happen and to take care of yourself and move on.

    I hope you got tested and everything is okay on that front. I would agree that a situation like that could make you question our own judgment and understanding of the world and people's trustworthiness/motives.

    I would strongly encourage you to seek out a counselor or -- at a minimum -- support group for abuse survivors. And as someone else mentioned I would consider filing charges. If he knowingly tried to infect you that is a crime. Someone I know did time for a consensual relationship with a minor and there was a separate charge because he is HIV+ and knew it at the time. Dealing with the trial might be rough on you but if you prevent him from doing this to someone else it would be worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 9:05 PM GMT
    awwwe thank you guys!!! I had no idea anybody would even read this, let alone give great advice. I've had so many e-mails. I am so blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I'd rather leave the darkness in the past, trust karma, and move on with my life.

    I've had five full medicals in the past 6 months and am happy to not only remain negative, but to be one of the healthiest people the Dr. has ever met icon_smile.gificon_smile.gif

    I guess that I am still in shock that somebody who claimed to love me could do such a thing. It almost killed me emotionally. For the longest time I've felt crippled but now I have much to thank him for. Turning negatives into positives for a happy future; I've written a novel about the saga and thrown myself into music. It's helped me immensely. Now I have a new found ambition, my revenge shall be to continue with my life, which he shall see from the outside, and raise funds for kids with cancer.

    I shall see professional help to completely let go of any memory of him icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2011 9:07 PM GMT
    wolf214 said When he slipped into bed he kissed me hard. Weird taste. I noticed it was blood. He had purposely cut his gums and then kissed me with the sole ambition to infect me with HIV.


    Oh no. Fuck that shit.


    75039.jpg

    Thank God I have access to free legal defense. Nasty motherfucker.


    On a more serious note.

    As a kid I was abused by a female teacher. My dad had just died so against my better instinct I never told my mother (and I can't tell he now because it would devastate her that i never said anything before.)

    I just told her i needed to see a therapist. So she no questions found me one, and I was able to get a healthy understanding of what happened pretty early on.

    Don't feel guilty. Don't get trapped in the past. See the guy for what he was. See a good psychologist.

    It's not something I am ashamed of and I will talk about it pretty openly if I think it will help someone else. It's moved away from being something traumatic into just be a part of the framework of my past.

    Just have a strong mind and you will get through it. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 22, 2011 2:06 AM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    Kalifornication said
    I can't believe he tried to kiss you with a bloody mouth, that's an attempt to murder someone. icon_eek.gif
    You're 38 and you still spout this trash? Gawd.........

    Whether or not it was an ineffective method of transmitting HIV, the question remains why the other guy did it. Did HE think he was passing the virus? Was that his intent?

    Or did he really cut his gums deliberately? Or merely brushed his teeth a bit roughly that night, making his gums bleed a little (as mine often do). And then the "hard kiss" transferred a bit of the blood unintentionally. I'm not sure what to make of this story.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 22, 2011 3:37 AM GMT
    wolf214 said
    I've had five full medicals in the past 6 months and am happy to not only remain negative, but to be one of the healthiest people the Dr. has ever met icon_smile.gificon_smile.gif

    Turning negatives into positives for a happy future; I've written a novel about the saga and thrown myself into music. It's helped me immensely. Now I have a new found ambition, my revenge shall be to continue with my life, which he shall see from the outside, and raise funds for kids with cancer.

    I shall see professional help to completely let go of any memory of him icon_smile.gif
    Thank you for divulging the health-info here. I was worried when you left it out in your OP.

    You seem to be managing very well on your own, congratulations on the novel and the music.

    The best revenge is a life well lived
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 22, 2011 6:48 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    TropicalMark said
    Kalifornication said
    I can't believe he tried to kiss you with a bloody mouth, that's an attempt to murder someone. icon_eek.gif
    You're 38 and you still spout this trash? Gawd.........

    Whether or not it was an ineffective method of transmitting HIV, the question remains why the other guy did it. Did HE think he was passing the virus? Was that his intent?

    Or did he really cut his gums deliberately? Or merely brushed his teeth a bit roughly that night, making his gums bleed a little (as mine often do). And then the "hard kiss" transferred a bit of the blood unintentionally. I'm not sure what to make of this story.


    It was with intent to hurt me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 22, 2011 6:52 AM GMT
    bhp91126 said
    wolf214 said
    I've had five full medicals in the past 6 months and am happy to not only remain negative, but to be one of the healthiest people the Dr. has ever met icon_smile.gificon_smile.gif
    icon_smile.gif
    Thank you for divulging the health-info here. I was worried when you left it out in your OP.

    You seem to be managing very well on your own, congratulations on the novel and the music.

    The best revenge is a life well lived



    I'm a survivor. Thank you for your well-wishes icon_smile.gif

    And yes, best revenge is to forget the insignificant even exist, and continue to live a marvelous, daring life icon_smile.gif