I'm jealous of my str8 friend's str8 best friend....

  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 1:24 PM GMT
    I feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great. He always tries to bring me into his "str8 world". He tells me he loves me and how much he values my friendship and needs me in his life. He's a really great guy but I just don't feel comfortable hanging with his friends.

    Not sure what to do. Any constructive and positive feedback/opinions are appreciated.....icon_confused.gif
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    Dec 21, 2011 1:34 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're more uncomfortable with your sexuality than his friends.
  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 1:48 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidSounds like you're more uncomfortable with your sexuality than his friends.


    How so? I've been in a gay relationship for over 10 years. My entire family knows I'm gay. All of my friends know I'm gay. I even came out on MTV a few years ago. I don't want to be str8 at all.
    No. I'm cool with my SELF.
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    Dec 21, 2011 1:49 PM GMT
    Then why do you feel uncomfortable in a "straight" environment?
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    Dec 21, 2011 1:50 PM GMT
    sillyrabbit saidI feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great. He always tries to bring me into his "str8 world". He tells me he loves me and how much he values my friendship and needs me in his life. He's a really great guy but I just don't feel comfortable hanging with his friends.

    Not sure what to do. Any constructive and positive feedback/opinions are appreciated.....icon_confused.gif


    How do his other friends treat you? Are you out to them? Does your discomfort stem from fear you will do/say the wrong thing?

    I went through something similar with one friend a few years ago... he wanted to take me to events with other friends of his and I was grateful for the opportunity but felt on edge because the dynamic felt so foreign to me. I have other straight friends but these guys had a biting edge to their humor and I got the feeling if they knew my deal they'd be hostile to it. I definitely preferred our one-on-one time.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 21, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    well i feel uncomfortable around trolls who have nothing better to do than make up fake profiles and post fake problems... but you don't see me starting a thread about it.
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    Dec 21, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
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    Dec 21, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidSounds like you're more uncomfortable with your sexuality than his friends.


    Exactly. Confidence goes a long way.
  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidThen why do you feel uncomfortable in a "straight" environment?


    I said, "I feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great."

    It's more of a personal and possessive thing I'm realizing. There is a lot more to this than I have revealed.

    The thing they have in common is both of their fathers are gay and are HIV positive. My friend's dad is still living with the virus. His friend's dad died from complications due to H.I.V. My friend is not homophobic but has issues with it. He's sometimes mistaken for being gay. He is definitely not gay.
    In the beginning of our friendship I was attracted to him. He knew this and we worked it out. We are better friends now because of it. It wasn't easy and I guess I'm jealous of the fact that his other friendships didn't come with that kind of baggage. He seems to have more in common with them but I know what he gets from our friendship is communication. He says he doesn't talk with anyone else like he does with me. We are very active together. And I'm the only person with enough free time to go traveling with him (Amsterdam this Spring). We hangout on a regular basis too.

    This all stems from an open mic they did last night. I was really jealous of their connection. I filmed it for them and it was great. But I kind of felt like a third wheel so I took off after their set.

    This was cathartic though. Thanks
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    Dec 21, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    sillyrabbit said
    paulflexes saidThen why do you feel uncomfortable in a "straight" environment?


    I said, "I feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great."

    It's more of a personal and possessive thing I'm realizing. There is a lot more to this than I have revealed.

    The thing they have in common is both of their fathers are gay and are HIV positive. My friend's dad is still living with the virus. His friend's dad died from complications due to H.I.V. My friend is not homophobic but has issues with it. He's sometimes mistaken for being gay. He is definitely not gay.
    In the beginning of our friendship I was attracted to him. He knew this and we worked it out. We are better friends now because of it. It wasn't easy and I guess I'm jealous of the fact that his other friendships didn't come with that kind of baggage. He seems to have more in common with them but I know what he gets from our friendship is communication. He says he doesn't talk with anyone else like he does with me. We are very active together. And I'm the only person with enough free time to go traveling with him (Amsterdam this Spring). We hangout on a regular basis too.

    This all stems from an open mic they did last night. I was really jealous of their connection. I filmed it for them and it was great. But I kind of felt like a third wheel so I took off after their set.

    This was cathartic though. Thanks


    If it makes you feel better, I bet there are aspects of your friendship that makes the third guy envious, too. If he knows or senses that you guys have this deeper channel of communication that he's not a part of, he may wish that was him.

    In the case I mentioned, it was funny to watch my friend put on this party guy, nothing-bothers-me face in front of his buddies, knowing that on the ride home we could well be digging into childhood hurts or any of the hundred secrets we had shared. Thus it didn't bother me so much that he had surface-level jokes and commonalities with them that I wasn't a part of.
  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 2:53 PM GMT
    njmeanwhile said
    sillyrabbit saidI feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great. He always tries to bring me into his "str8 world". He tells me he loves me and how much he values my friendship and needs me in his life. He's a really great guy but I just don't feel comfortable hanging with his friends.

    Not sure what to do. Any constructive and positive feedback/opinions are appreciated.....icon_confused.gif


    How do his other friends treat you? Are you out to them? Does your discomfort stem from fear you will do/say the wrong thing?

    I went through something similar with one friend a few years ago... he wanted to take me to events with other friends of his and I was grateful for the opportunity but felt on edge because the dynamic felt so foreign to me. I have other straight friends but these guys had a biting edge to their humor and I got the feeling if they knew my deal they'd be hostile to it. I definitely preferred our one-on-one time.


    I'm out to everyone who asks. My friend actually has a habit of outing me to people before I've met them. I don't really care though. His friends are really respectful but it's kind of what you said regarding the dynamic being foreign in the sense that their into folkloric drumming and other stuff that I'm not really into. So there is no commonality between us. I'm on a whole sci fi fantasy, media is great, I collect comics kinda deal. We don't really relate to each other. I wouldn't hang out with them on my own. Yeah, our one-on-one time is much more preferable. But he's the kind of person that likes to, "bring people together". I have other friends. Only a few gay ones, unfortunately. I tend to spend most of my time with my str8 buddy though. Proximity has a lot to do with that too.
  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 2:55 PM GMT
    calibro saidwell i feel uncomfortable around trolls who have nothing better to do than make up fake profiles and post fake problems... but you don't see me starting a thread about it.


    Sometimes it's easier for people to express themselves anonymously.

    icon_razz.gif
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    Dec 21, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    wth , sexuality has nothing to do with it, wtf with the over categorizing yourself, you are not comfortable with his friends probably cuz they suck or boring or dont suit your sense of humor, something not cuz you are gay and they are stright =__= gay drama
  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 3:29 PM GMT
    njmeanwhile said
    sillyrabbit said
    paulflexes saidThen why do you feel uncomfortable in a "straight" environment?


    I said, "I feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great."

    It's more of a personal and possessive thing I'm realizing. There is a lot more to this than I have revealed.

    The thing they have in common is both of their fathers are gay and are HIV positive. My friend's dad is still living with the virus. His friend's dad died from complications due to H.I.V. My friend is not homophobic but has issues with it. He's sometimes mistaken for being gay. He is definitely not gay.
    In the beginning of our friendship I was attracted to him. He knew this and we worked it out. We are better friends now because of it. It wasn't easy and I guess I'm jealous of the fact that his other friendships didn't come with that kind of baggage. He seems to have more in common with them but I know what he gets from our friendship is communication. He says he doesn't talk with anyone else like he does with me. We are very active together. And I'm the only person with enough free time to go traveling with him (Amsterdam this Spring). We hangout on a regular basis too.

    This all stems from an open mic they did last night. I was really jealous of their connection. I filmed it for them and it was great. But I kind of felt like a third wheel so I took off after their set.

    This was cathartic though. Thanks


    If it makes you feel better, I bet there are aspects of your friendship that makes the third guy envious, too. If he knows or senses that you guys have this deeper channel of communication that he's not a part of, he may wish that was him.

    In the case I mentioned, it was funny to watch my friend put on this party guy, nothing-bothers-me face in front of his buddies, knowing that on the ride home we could well be digging into childhood hurts or any of the hundred secrets we had shared. Thus it didn't bother me so much that he had surface-level jokes and commonalities with them that I wasn't a part of.



    Hmmm. Thanks man. You bring up an awesome point. He's told me before that this friend has a "limited capacity" not sure what that meant at the time.
    You're cool. Thanks again!
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    Dec 21, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    sillyrabbit said
    njmeanwhile said
    sillyrabbit said
    paulflexes saidThen why do you feel uncomfortable in a "straight" environment?


    I said, "I feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great."

    It's more of a personal and possessive thing I'm realizing. There is a lot more to this than I have revealed.

    The thing they have in common is both of their fathers are gay and are HIV positive. My friend's dad is still living with the virus. His friend's dad died from complications due to H.I.V. My friend is not homophobic but has issues with it. He's sometimes mistaken for being gay. He is definitely not gay.
    In the beginning of our friendship I was attracted to him. He knew this and we worked it out. We are better friends now because of it. It wasn't easy and I guess I'm jealous of the fact that his other friendships didn't come with that kind of baggage. He seems to have more in common with them but I know what he gets from our friendship is communication. He says he doesn't talk with anyone else like he does with me. We are very active together. And I'm the only person with enough free time to go traveling with him (Amsterdam this Spring). We hangout on a regular basis too.

    This all stems from an open mic they did last night. I was really jealous of their connection. I filmed it for them and it was great. But I kind of felt like a third wheel so I took off after their set.

    This was cathartic though. Thanks


    If it makes you feel better, I bet there are aspects of your friendship that makes the third guy envious, too. If he knows or senses that you guys have this deeper channel of communication that he's not a part of, he may wish that was him.

    In the case I mentioned, it was funny to watch my friend put on this party guy, nothing-bothers-me face in front of his buddies, knowing that on the ride home we could well be digging into childhood hurts or any of the hundred secrets we had shared. Thus it didn't bother me so much that he had surface-level jokes and commonalities with them that I wasn't a part of.



    Hmmm. Thanks man. You bring up an awesome point. He's told me before that this friend has a "limited capacity" not sure what that meant at the time.
    You're cool. Thanks again!


    You're welcome; glad I could help. Your question really resonated with me.

    By "limited capacity" I'd guess he was saying he could see that -- while they have these things in common -- there was only so deep the friendship could get.
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    Dec 21, 2011 3:33 PM GMT
    sillyrabbit said
    Not sure what to do. Any constructive and positive feedback/opinions are appreciated.....icon_confused.gif



    Hmmmm...a dose of humility would help. When someone chooses you to be a friend and is loyal etc that is a gift. Accept it as such and shudder yourself away from jealousy of this type, which is poison and will kill your friendships and loves and damage you, too.

    -Doug
  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 4:08 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    sillyrabbit said
    Not sure what to do. Any constructive and positive feedback/opinions are appreciated.....icon_confused.gif



    Hmmmm...a dose of humility would help. When someone chooses you to be a friend and is loyal etc that is a gift. Accept it as such and shudder yourself away from jealousy of this type, which is poison and will kill your friendships and loves and damage you, too.

    -Doug


    Thank you Doug. You are absolutely right.
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    Dec 21, 2011 4:11 PM GMT
    sillyrabbit said
    calibro saidwell i feel uncomfortable around trolls who have nothing better to do than make up fake profiles and post fake problems... but you don't see me starting a thread about it.


    Sometimes it's easier for people to express themselves anonymously.

    icon_razz.gif



    Doesn't this just verify (PUN INTENDED) the fact that you are insecure (possibly about your sexuality in relation to the new straight 'threat' in your life.)
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    Dec 21, 2011 4:24 PM GMT
    You're welcome sillyrabbit, now you have a Merry Christmas! icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 21, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    sillyrabbit saidI feel really uncomfortable when I'm around them both. I feel like a total outsider. When I hang out with my friend one on one we get along and I feel great. He always tries to bring me into his "str8 world". He tells me he loves me and how much he values my friendship and needs me in his life. He's a really great guy but I just don't feel comfortable hanging with his friends.

    Not sure what to do. Any constructive and positive feedback/opinions are appreciated.....icon_confused.gif


    if you feel uncomfortable about being in a group with his friends then talk to him about it and dont let it bother you, if he loves you as a friend he would understand
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    Dec 21, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    I have str8 friends who are friends with some of my other str8 friends and sometimes they go out without me because I'm not real into the titty bars. I tell them:"Go, have a great time. I'll catch up with you later."

    You don't have to relate to every person on every level. Enjoy them for where you connect and don't worry about the rest. If they are true friends, your friendships will hold it together.

    A few years back when I was living in south Florida, a bunch of them from out of town descended on my house at the same time. One night I had some family stuff to do and they were going to do their str8 thing so we parted company to meet up later. Only later I learned that instead of hitting the strip joints they had hit all the gay bars without me. Str8 guys can be such bitches.
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    Dec 21, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    sillyrabbit saidBut he's the kind of person that likes to, "bring people together".


    I'm the opposite... I have little clusters of friends that don't know each other and I get itchy when I have to put them together because they're all so different. IDK why I take it upon myself to make sure everybody gets along.
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    Dec 21, 2011 5:00 PM GMT
    If you can somehow learn to be more secure and accepting of yourself, and less needy for the attention and respect of others, you will find that you can celebrate your friend's other friendships. You will also find that these other acquaintances will be all the more likely to seek out your friendship. And if they do not, it won't matter much to you anyhow.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Dec 21, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    your jealous of ur str8 friend's friend..... cuz they're both straight and prob have more in common, so u feel like the outsider when u all are together, however when it's one on one u feel more comfortable cuz u dont have to compete with the str8 friend for his attention....


    pathetic
  • sillyrabbit

    Posts: 15

    Dec 21, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    Jeandeau said
    sillyrabbit said
    calibro saidwell i feel uncomfortable around trolls who have nothing better to do than make up fake profiles and post fake problems... but you don't see me starting a thread about it.


    Sometimes it's easier for people to express themselves anonymously.

    icon_razz.gif



    Doesn't this just verify (PUN INTENDED) the fact that you are insecure (possibly about your sexuality in relation to the new straight 'threat' in your life.)


    Or it could be that I'm being thoughtful of the people I'm gossiping about. Kind of like why most superheroes don't reveal their true identity. What would've happened to Aunt May if the Green Goblin knew Peter Parker was Spider-man?

    She wouldn't have lived long enough to marry Dr. Octopus that for sure!icon_lol.gif

    I am not only considering myself.

    Funny you put it that way, because I tend to see myself as the, "new gay threat" for him. They've been friends far longer than I have. I'm the "new" best friend.