Dilemma of the Week

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    Dec 22, 2011 5:47 AM GMT
    Let me first start this off by saying that I have came out to my family, but not my friends. Now lets get to the details.

    I went out to a bar today where one of my friends Dj's. He invited a bunch of his own friends, some who I know. It was fun and I was socializing with group of people that I know as well as their close friends.

    Anyways, one of the friend's of a friend came on to me and showed clear interest in me, she flirted and danced with me and so on and so forth. Now, she is an attractive girl and all that, however I hold no interest in her what so ever. My friends kind of pushed me (I am the only one without a relationship in my close group of friends) on to her and it turned into this situation I do/did not want to be in, ever.

    So she kissed me before I left, and gave me her phone number and asked me to call her tomorrow, which I agreed to. Now I am thinking how am I going to deviate myself away from this situation without hurting anyone's feelings and possibly not "reveal" myself to my friends.

    I might just go hang out with one of my best friends girlfriend, whom I trust, and tell her the truth.

    Anyone else been put in this position in past and how did you approach it?


    PS: I know I probably should be honest and tell my friends the truth so that they get off my back. However, it is easier said than done and I have been pushing that aside until I find right time to tell them (or time that suites me best).
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    Dec 22, 2011 6:04 AM GMT
    doubleyou said
    musicbox89 saidLet me first start this off by saying that I have came out to my family, but not my friends. Now lets get to the details.

    I went out to a bar today where one of my friends Dj's. He invited a bunch of his own friends, some who I know. It was fun and I was socializing with group of people that I know as well as their close friends.

    Anyways, one of the friend's of a friend came on to me and showed clear interest in me, she flirted and danced with me and so on and so forth. Now, she is an attractive girl and all that, however I hold no interest in her what so ever. My friends kind of pushed me (I am the only one without a relationship in my close group of friends) on to her and it turned into this situation I do/did not want to be in, ever.

    So she kissed me before I left, and gave me her phone number and asked me to call her tomorrow, which I agreed to. Now I am thinking how am I going to deviate myself away from this situation without hurting anyone's feelings and possibly not "reveal" myself to my friends.

    I might just go hang out with one of my best friends girlfriend, whom I trust, and tell her the truth.

    Anyone else been put in this position in past and how did you approach it?


    PS: I know I probably should be honest and tell my friends the truth so that they get off my back. However, it is easier said than done and I have been pushing that aside until I find right time to tell them (or time that suites me best).


    So, basically, you have not been truthful with your friends about who you are. You have been "forced" into something with the opposite sex and now you want advice on how to dupe them again and get out of the situation with this girl, who is interested in you, without hurting her feelings, and carry on being closeted around them.

    This sounds very unhealthy to me.


    It can be for those who are tormented by such things. Peer pressure can eventually push you to do things that you would not normally do, and that is what kind of happened tonight. I had one too many drinks and let this pressure get to me. While it is better to let everyone know of how I truly feel, it has to be done at time I feel is "right for me to do so. I don't think that my friends need to know this part of my life as of yet; at same time though, that point of time is nearing.

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    Dec 22, 2011 6:17 AM GMT
    Out to family but not to friends?
    That's kinda backwards.
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    Dec 22, 2011 6:19 AM GMT
    I guess what it comes down to is that I hand to vent. I am somewhat upset with myself that I put myself in such situation where I "led on" someone to something that is held untrue.
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    Dec 22, 2011 6:21 AM GMT
    Well..if you're playing the role of a straight dude...this shouldn't be too hard cus according to all the chicks I know, guys suck anyways and they expect shitty things out of them.

    No one ever said you had to be a charming bachelor.

    Or....just go ahead and tell your friends the truth and fight that battle instead of this one now and that one later?
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    Dec 22, 2011 6:23 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidOut to family but not to friends?
    That's kinda backwards.


    Haha, it does appear to be, doesn't it?

    It is because I have been caught one too many times on inappropriate sites and last time I was confronted I laid it all out and revealed my cards. Can't say it changed much though. My brother is still somewhat homophobic, and my mother is still in denial (she keeps nagging me about getting a girlfriend).

    I am patient though and can be good at ignoring certain comments or behavior, so I brush it off my shoulder and keep reminding her that what she wants will not happen.
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    Dec 22, 2011 6:25 AM GMT
    musicbox89 said
    paulflexes saidOut to family but not to friends?
    That's kinda backwards.


    Haha, it does appear to be, doesn't it?

    It is because I have been caught one too many times on inappropriate sites and last time I was confronted I laid it all out and revealed my cards. Can't say it changed much though. My brother is still somewhat homophobic, and my mother is still in denial (she keeps nagging me about getting a girlfriend).

    I am patient though and can be good at ignoring certain comments or behavior, so I brush it off my shoulder and keep reminding her that what she wants will not happen.
    Oh, well welcome to my life. My mom still thinks I'm going to hell and that I should "change" and get a girlfriend and get married and hate myself forever so I can go to her fairytale happy place (aka: heaven).

    ...and I've been "out" for 20 years. icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 22, 2011 6:42 AM GMT
    ConfederateGhost saidWell..if you're playing the role of a straight dude...this shouldn't be too hard cus according to all the chicks I know, guys suck anyways and they expect shitty things out of them.

    No one ever said you had to be a charming bachelor.

    Or....just go ahead and tell your friends the truth and fight that battle instead of this one now and that one later?


    I don't have to be, but I always want to end something on a good note. It can't always be done, and not all are worth this type of attention.

    My main concern of coming out is that I want to be in a control of it happening. Unfortunately, Boston is a small town and my friends and I are part of a web that connects so many individuals one way or another. Quite a few of those individuals I don't want to partake or be aware of certain aspects of my life. In other words, I value my privacy and I want to be in control of who will learn and get to know me on that deeper level. Maybe when I loosen up and let go, I will come to realize that this type of control is not all that important.
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:14 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidOut to family but not to friends?
    That's kinda backwards.


    Sadly, I was thinking the same shit.
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:20 PM GMT
    Ryan_Andrew said
    paulflexes saidOut to family but not to friends?
    That's kinda backwards.


    Sadly, I was thinking the same shit.


    I came it to my family first too, I would have much rather had told them then them hear it from someone else. My friends I wasn't as worried, so I came out as needed
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
    musicbox89 said
    ConfederateGhost saidWell..if you're playing the role of a straight dude...this shouldn't be too hard cus according to all the chicks I know, guys suck anyways and they expect shitty things out of them.

    No one ever said you had to be a charming bachelor.

    Or....just go ahead and tell your friends the truth and fight that battle instead of this one now and that one later?


    I don't have to be, but I always want to end something on a good note. It can't always be done, and not all are worth this type of attention.

    My main concern of coming out is that I want to be in a control of it happening. Unfortunately, Boston is a small town and my friends and I are part of a web that connects so many individuals one way or another. Quite a few of those individuals I don't want to partake or be aware of certain aspects of my life. In other words, I value my privacy and I want to be in control of who will learn and get to know me on that deeper level. Maybe when I loosen up and let go, I will come to realize that this type of control is not all that important.


    FML... Boston a small town really? Maybe I need to rethink my moving out there for a job.

    I can understand your feelings but really... how long are you going to keep hiding yourself? At some point you're going to become sick of living two lives or worse have them colide in a way where more people get hurt. Take this stuation has a learning experince. Why do you talk to the girl and be real with? Just level with her about things. You might be surprised. She might be understanding and might even want to be friend. I don't know obviously but It's just a suggestion. So long as your closetest friends have your back, fuck the rest but be real with them. Most people are more pissed because they didn't know than they know espically if they are your friends.Respect the brotherhood between yours friends. You might have more protection come your way than you think. Good luck.
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:23 PM GMT
    zachdust said
    Ryan_Andrew said
    paulflexes saidOut to family but not to friends?
    That's kinda backwards.


    Sadly, I was thinking the same shit.


    I came it to my family first too, I would have much rather had told them then them hear it from someone else. My friends I wasn't as worried, so I came out as needed


    I could see that. I just knew none of my close friends were going to say anything and I knew what places to avoid. Gotta love being 4hrs away from home in college. Ah the days without facebook, and myspace, and twitter.
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:23 PM GMT
    musicbox89, if you were straight and not interested in this girl what would you do? icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:38 PM GMT
    meninlove said musicbox89, if you were straight and not interested in this girl what would you do? icon_wink.gif



    Winning comment above.
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    meninlove said musicbox89, if you were straight and not interested in this girl what would you do? icon_wink.gif


    This...
  • a303guy

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    Dec 22, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    musicbox89 said


    PS: I know I probably should be honest and tell my friends the truth so that they get off my back. However, it is easier said than done and I have been pushing that aside until I find right time to tell them (or time that suites me best).


    Someone needs to take a man-pill and get on with it.

    You know what to do, and you know who and what you are. Now fucking own it.

    <--takes short break

    OK - now that I've gotten that off my chest, here's another angle. I have a feeling that your buddies at the bar already have a pretty good idea about you anyway, and this whole introduction thing to the girl was just a method of getting the truth out. SO - revert to point #1 above. Own it, Say it, and move on. You will find you have more friends than you think you do.
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    ^^^ This too.

    I find that unless someone has surrounded themselves with some serious idiots, friends always know/suspect. Because they're your friends they probably aren't going to just bust in on you and ask "So, do you like dick?" It would usually be hurtful to a straight guy for a lot of reasons if the answer is really "no". But 9 times in 10 they already suspect and have probably asked one another about it.
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    Dec 22, 2011 2:52 PM GMT
    If they're really your friends you should just tell them.
    If you don't they'll never stop + they probably get your back and hook you up with nice men rather than some girls + you don't have to lie to them anymore

    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 22, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    Ryan_Andrew said

    FML... Boston a small town really? Maybe I need to rethink my moving out there for a job.

    I can understand your feelings but really... how long are you going to keep hiding yourself? At some point you're going to become sick of living two lives or worse have them colide in a way where more people get hurt. Take this stuation has a learning experince. Why do you talk to the girl and be real with? Just level with her about things. You might be surprised. She might be understanding and might even want to be friend. I don't know obviously but It's just a suggestion. So long as your closetest friends have your back, fuck the rest but be real with them. Most people are more pissed because they didn't know than they know espically if they are your friends.Respect the brotherhood between yours friends. You might have more protection come your way than you think. Good luck.


    When you compare Boston to many other cities like New York, SF, LA, DC, Atlanta.... Yeah Boston is small to mid-size city. What I meant is that everyone seems inter-connected and a word can be spread fast among people you know or have known in the past.

    I don't think I am living a double life. I just don't reveal or discuss some things that I know I won't be comfortable talking about yet.
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    Dec 22, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    Larkin said
    meninlove said musicbox89, if you were straight and not interested in this girl what would you do? icon_wink.gif


    This...


    Since I'm not straight, I don't know. Ignoring her I guess would be the answer?

    However, I am not about to do that. Instead I will probably just have a short conversation with her.
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    Dec 22, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    a303guy said
    musicbox89 said


    PS: I know I probably should be honest and tell my friends the truth so that they get off my back. However, it is easier said than done and I have been pushing that aside until I find right time to tell them (or time that suites me best).


    Someone needs to take a man-pill and get on with it.

    You know what to do, and you know who and what you are. Now fucking own it.

    <--takes short break

    OK - now that I've gotten that off my chest, here's another angle. I have a feeling that your buddies at the bar already have a pretty good idea about you anyway, and this whole introduction thing to the girl was just a method of getting the truth out. SO - revert to point #1 above. Own it, Say it, and move on. You will find you have more friends than you think you do.


    Yes I do, will you administer a proper dose for me please? icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 22, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    musicbox89 saidI don't think that my friends need to know this part of my life as of yet; at same time though, that point of time is nearing.

    It's not near -- it's here.
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    Dec 22, 2011 11:50 PM GMT
    Just explain to her that u were drunk and that u really dnt have an interest in her. Maybe lie to them and say ur seeing another chick who lives in connecticut and u cannot bear to cheat on her.