The Real Reason Why I Only Look For Relationships

  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Dec 26, 2011 3:40 AM GMT
    I need to get this off my chest, and begin talking about this, for the longest time I haven't been able to put it to words. In the end I really DO want a relationship. I need that deep emotional bond with another person. Yet, I feel too inadequate for a relationship. Why? Because I don't know what I am doing. It's also the core reason why I won't "sleep around". Something I haven't been able to admit until now. In the past I have only ever been able to articulate "I am inexperienced" which is vastly inadequate for what I need to explain, and does not lead to fixing the problem.

    I don't sleep around, because I am afraid to. I am afraid to have sex with another man. I don't know what anal sex will feel like and every time I think of it, I think of physical pain. I think of infection (from left over fecal matter), I think of blood. I'm scared of it. I don't think I am ready or willing to experience that. I'm not sure if I ever will be. I also have no idea how to jack off another man, pleasure another man, act sexy, be sexy, and overall be appealing. There is no way for me to know and every time I view myself in my minds eye I feel unattractive. I know I am not physically unattractive, but I feel like my actions would be. I feel like I am stiff, unexpressive, timid, clearly showing that I won't know what I am doing, how to please another man. In short, how to be a good lover. I don't want to screw up and be seen as bad or undesirable. It all comes from fear. I stifle my behavior out of fear that I will be seen as unattractive or doing something wrong. Yet, that stifling does exactly what I don't want to happen; it leads to unattractiveness.

    The thing is, the only way I will be able to learn, is to practice. It's not something one can openly ask about though I can't meet up with a guy, say "ok, critique what I just did. What was good, what wasn't, what can I improve on. Then, HOW can I improve on it?" The sad thing is, this is the only way I can invision learning. Unless I have some kind of direct confirmation that I have done something right that I have no experience with, or no way to imagine how it would be done correctly, I have no clue where I actually stand. I'm a perfectionist, I can't be a bad lover. I fear that my body language though may overall just be unattractive.

    Until I have the proper skills I need, I feel like I am an inadequate person to be in a sexual relationship with someone. Thus I feel extremely hesitant when it comes to making a move, initiating pretty much anything. At times I will force myself, but if I do I feel that it is then expected that I will "lead", and I simply do not have the skills for that at all. I don't have the proper experience. I have made out numerous times but I still have no idea if I am any good or not, no one has told me, and it's not something I can ask. I have given a guy a blow job once and I was not turned on by it. I felt too distracted. My heart aches for for connection and emotional bonding though. It has for a long time, and I do feel that sexual acts are linked to this.

    I just had to get this off my chest, and express it somehow. It's the first step in fixing this problem that I have. I wonder if I need to get up the nerve to have a fling or two, and be up front that I am a serious work in progress, and hope for the best.

    Thanks for reading.
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    Dec 26, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    You said, "I don't sleep around, because I am afraid to. I am afraid to have sex with another man. I don't know what anal sex will feel like and every time I think of it, I think of physical pain. I think of infection (from left over fecal matter), I think of blood. I'm scared of it. I don't think I am ready or willing to experience that. I'm not sure if I ever will be. I also have no idea how to jack off another man, pleasure another man, act sexy, be sexy, and overall be appealing. There is no way for me to know and every time I view myself in my minds eye I feel unattractive. I know I am not physically unattractive, but I feel like my actions would be."


    Perhaps this perspective is also that of inexperience. Don't do what you're not comfortable doing, yet. icon_wink.gif

    How about being sensual in the way you'd want someone else to be with you?
    That's about the most easiest form of communication I know of.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2011 5:55 AM GMT
    A few things:

    1) You can chill out. You're 22. You're a Bambi. You and a TON of other gay guys, many of which are much much older than you. I was a gay Bambi when I was in my late 30s and I grew up and have had two relationships and a lot of other, uh, relationships measured in hours? So relax. You'll get there. Young folks are naturally impatient. You're just being 22. Everyone has to start at zero with something new. You've already kissed boys, so you're way past zero. Don't get all crazy and think you can just move from grade 6 to completing your sexual PhD in another month. This is a life long journey. Each phase should be cherished.

    2) Inexperience can be AMAZINGLY attractive. My guess is that this doesn't make sense to you and explaining why is probably not productive. Just remember this in 10 years and you'll know exactly what I'm getting at. So again, your current state should be appreciated and not loathed. One day you will look back fondly at your awkward fumbling and remember how insanely intense everything was.

    3) All your detailed fears and anxieties over A and B and C ad infinitim are all really just one thing: lack of experience. So, you're a scientist... What's the solution? Experience. Simple sounding cause it really is simple. The only thing is, just go about things in order. Leave buttsecks to your junior or senior year in gay sex school. First, practice making out. There's a thousand ways to kiss. That's your first assignment. Then, touch. A million places and ways to touch. Get the idea here? As you become comfortable with things you feel safe experimenting with, it's easy to take on the next incremental challenge. One step at a time. And so it goes for the rest of your life. If you're with a partner that wants to push you into places you're not ready to go, then just say you're not ready. The truth is, most guys really would rather have a wonderful night spooning and cuddling than a mediocre orgasm anyway. So become a master cuddler and spooner first. I promise you, you'll be in high demand.

    It's all gonna be great. Trust me on this one. And if you don't, then visit me in SF and I'll run a few introductory classes for you, free of charge icon_smile.gif

    EDIT: Note to self: never type an essay length RJ post on an iPhone ever again.
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    Dec 26, 2011 6:10 AM GMT
    True story, I've only felt comfortable enough to go "all the way" with two guys, and both times I was the top. It's going to sound totally childish and mushy but I'm saving myself for the right guy, I kind of wish I wasn't so quick to have sex the first time, so I kinda want to hold on and have have a special moment with a guy I actually care about.

    My point is Top/Bottom isn't the ONLY thing there is too do, and you should totally only do it when your ready!
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    Dec 26, 2011 6:19 AM GMT
    Anal sex doesn't need to be the alpha and omega of sexual interaction between gay men.

    For a lot of guys, it is... but for a good many, it isn't. There's a lot to be said for skin being the largest (sexual) organ of the body, and the mind as well.

    As someone upthread has already said, you don't need to rush a thing. =)
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Dec 26, 2011 6:25 AM GMT
    There is sooooooooo much more to sex, especially gay sex, than anal. If you are inexperienced just go slow. Start with making out, then mutual masturbation (make out and jack yourselves off), from there maybe a handjob or frottage (where you just naked hump and grind on eachother until you get off without any penetration) then work your way up to some oral and a ways down the line try some anal, start with just finger stimulation.

    The point is you don't have to know how to do anything, just relax and do what feels good.
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    Dec 26, 2011 8:52 AM GMT
    @Trolli Frott is quite hot!

    Bro.. the only way you are going to know is if you put yourself out there and experince... that's for starters. As for anal sex goes... there are plenty of resoruces for looking up how to "take it in the ass" that aren't porn sites.They're are plenty of places that will teach how you to be safe when ti comes to sex. Find a testing center and believe me.. if you are as honest with them as you were on here about not knowing things... they would GLADLY show you a thing or two. Also right now you are kind ofyour own worst enemy.. I understand being a perfectionist... I used to be like that when it came to EVERYTHING utnil I burned out and began to realize that sometimes the imperfections make it all beautiful. Just be yourself, put yourself out there... trial and error. it's the only way to gain the experince you seek.
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    Dec 26, 2011 9:34 AM GMT
    Well it seems like you need to learn how to let yourself go otherwise it will bew pretty hard to have fun(I know that's a pretty dumb thing to say and you already knew that, but it's essential though)
    Or maybe you just wait for the right guy who's willing to wait until you feel comfortable with him.
    And about the infection and blood stuff: you should use a condom
    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 26, 2011 11:21 AM GMT
    Just a question for the OP.

    Are you sure it's your inexperience, or is it because you need to feel comfortable around someone, like getting to know him better as a person first, before you have sex with him?
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Dec 26, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    AlphaTrigger saidAnal sex doesn't need to be the alpha and omega of sexual interaction between gay men.

    For a lot of guys, it is... but for a good many, it isn't. There's a lot to be said for skin being the largest (sexual) organ of the body, and the mind as well.

    As someone upthread has already said, you don't need to rush a thing. =)


    Well said, Santa.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Dec 26, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies everyone. icon_smile.gif I will try to answer and respond later tonight. I am going out with my family for holiday events and will be away for most of the day.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Dec 26, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    RIGuy60 saidJust a question for the OP.

    Are you sure it's your inexperience, or is it because you need to feel comfortable around someone, like getting to know him better as a person first, before you have sex with him?


    It's a mix of both really, but the majority is the former.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2011 6:15 PM GMT
    I've also gone through periods of having similar feelings. Sometimes it can seem like people around our age have all the answers.

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with being "inexperienced". Many of the guys here had their first experience with another guy in their mid twenties. If anything, a guy who is inexperienced can be kind of cute haha.

    I haven't done any of the things that other gay men I know have, but I'm fine with it. Just have patience and enjoy life, but don't be afraid to act if a situation presents itself.
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Dec 26, 2011 6:19 PM GMT
    Trollileo said
    jackthejock saidThere is sooooooooo much more to sex, especially gay sex, than anal. If you are inexperienced just go slow. Start with making out, then mutual masturbation (make out and jack yourselves off), from there maybe a handjob or frottage (where you just naked hump and grind on eachother until you get off without any penetration)
    People actually do this? Dibs!



    Haha I do all the time! Works best if you put your cock right in the groin next to theirs, or have one guy flip on his stomach and fuck between the butt cheecks and cum on the small of the other guys back (if it is being done to you it is sort of mentally like your getting topped and pounded but you're not actually penetrated). With my BF it is our go to sex act when we wake up at 3:00 am and just start making out, or dealing with morning-wood when you've only got 10 min before the alarm gos off and don't have time to deal with lube, condoms...ect that anal requires.
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    Dec 26, 2011 7:14 PM GMT
    I knew (and still kind of know) exactly how you feel.

    A couple of months ago I had never done anything sexual with anyone until I realized I couldn't get experience without experience. There comes a point when you determine that you need to start taking steps to gain more sexual experience and I really fought with myself over my no hooking up stance. Finally when the chance came to actually get some experience with another person I took it.

    I was so worried and had a lot of the same fears you did the day before we met. "I'm going to be naked- in front of another person,icon_eek.gif How do I act? What do I say? Should I say anything? Will he think I'm sexy?", etc...

    This guy was a lot more experienced than I was but a lot of these fears disappeared once I told him I was a virgin and he found that just to be sexy which created a hot scenario (what is it about virgins btw?)

    After a period of kissing something just "clicked" internally and I knew what to do. Everything unfolded naturally and it went really well and your body just know's what to do; it's hard to explain but it's almost like you know what to do naturally once you relax and are comfortable with each other. Discussing what you are (top, vers, bottom, etc) before hand also helps a lot.

    Now we didn't have full blown sex but we came close. I'm not a fan of hooking up normally but I'm grateful for that one because it answered 100 questions I had and was something special, for me at least.

    Finally, anal when done right, can be a painless amazing experience but for some people it's not their thing and that's fine as there's more than one way to please your guy.

    Hope that helps.
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    Dec 26, 2011 7:41 PM GMT
    I think its best to just say you're LTR oriented and leave it at that.

    LTR means you're single and available for dating...but more importantly, guys who are LTR oriented expect things to go slowly on sex and intimacy. So you both do the little things first. A hug. Holding hands in the movie theater. An innocent kiss goodnight. Making out in the car.

    Sex is really more about intimacy and sharing feelings...than about experience or performance. By the time you eventually end up naked together...he will have developed substantial feelings for you. He'll be so turned on by you...that whether you're Mr. Clumsy or The Performance Stud of the year, will be inconsequential. And if you read a book on intimacy or erogenous zones of the body...then you'll be ahead of the game.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Dec 27, 2011 4:06 AM GMT
    Thanks again for everyones words of encouragements. It seems like after reading this that I really have just far too many expectations of myself. I have assumed falsely that the other guy (whoever he may be) is more experienced then I am, and is as such put off by someone who is not experienced and doesn't know what to do. I have felt less desirable because of this, and as such have always felt like I was being dishonest with a guy for not explaining right off the bat (even online) that I am inexperienced. I don't want to falsely advertize. I feel this pressure to put all of my shortcomings up front so someone doesn't think I am better then I actually am.

    Either way this is all very encouraging. I will hope that I find someone that will work well with me and understand where I am. I also misassumed that guys wanted to go all the way right away. Or rather, I felt pressured that I was always going too slow. Or, am not doing the right sex acts.

    Thanks icon_smile.gif. I think I am going to keep my LTR mindset, just with a different and new perspective on it.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 27, 2011 4:17 AM GMT
    I think you should seek out professional help. I do not think being on here will help you get over your own personal demons. I mean I could be wrong. I Meninlove might have given you some good advice but I think you need professional help
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Dec 27, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidI think you should seek out professional help. I do not think being on here will help you get over your own personal demons. I mean I could be wrong. I Meninlove might have given you some good advice but I think you need professional help


    I already am part of a therapy group and I plan on bringing up this issue when we start meeting again this coming term. I additionally have a psychologist who I can see on an as-need basis so if I am likely to bring this up with her as well. If it turns out to not be the right setup I will have them point me to the correct therapist.

    Thanks!
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    Dec 27, 2011 4:35 AM GMT
    There are lots of "inexperienced" guys out there.

    At one time, even the most, uh, experienced guys on RJ were also quite innocent! lol. So everyone starts somewhere and they engage in behaviors that they are comfortable with.

    Feel free to be honest about your level of experience. You dont have to go into shocking detail (this may convey your anxiety more than anything.) My suggestion is to try to let go of your fears and live your life.

    You never know what taking chances can bring you.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 27, 2011 4:41 AM GMT
    tautomer4314 said
    tuffguyndc saidI think you should seek out professional help. I do not think being on here will help you get over your own personal demons. I mean I could be wrong. I Meninlove might have given you some good advice but I think you need professional help


    I already am part of a therapy group and I plan on bringing up this issue when we start meeting again this coming term. I additionally have a psychologist who I can see on an as-need basis so if I am likely to bring this up with her as well. If it turns out to not be the right setup I will have them point me to the correct therapist.

    Thanks!
    No problem buddy, I see you at least have a positive outlook on it. But i am glad you are seeking help
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    You sound like a really nice guy and I applaud you for being able to articulate how you're feeling. It takes a lot to come to that realization.

    The great thing is that you're only 22. I felt the way you did but couldn't articulate it until I was 25. What actually helped me was to see a therapist. I'm not saying that that's what you should do---but for my own situation I needed outside help and advice from someone with expertise with sex, being gay, and relationships. I did my research and found a great therapist who I've been seeing now for almost 5 years.

    I had and still sometimes have the same fears that you do. Any type of relationship is a risk on many levels. You risk your health (to varying degrees, depending on what you do), you risk your vulnerability to another person, you risk your heart.

    I believe that there is a great guy out there who is looking for someone just like you. You sound like a great guy with a lot of things to offer in a relationship. Perhaps you're destined to have your first relationship with a guy who's in the same boat as you. That was the case with my first boyfriend and myself. We were each others' firsts and we were together for over 3 years.

    Keep a positive outlook and know at least that you can always come to this forum to "talk" things out.

    Peace!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 31, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    Gay sex does not have to be about anal sex if you don't want it to be. You and whoever you trust to be intimate with, either in a relationship or a hook-up, should be on the same page about each other's boundaries. If not, you don't have to participate. But I know plenty of men who do not engage in anal sex. And, I know plenty of gay men who save anal sex until they're in a relationship, because they need a level of trust with their sexual partner that can't be found in hook-ups. Sex is about what you feel comfortable with. So, if you don't enjoy it, you don't have to do it. There's nothing to feel guilty about as long as you and your sexual partner are on the same page.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 4:33 AM GMT
    First off- I understand how you feel completely, Tautomer. I am single, have never really been exclusive/in a relationship/etc. I have hooked up once, and although it was hot, I figured that one night stands are not for me. So really- you're definitely a guy who is lifetime relationship material, because unlike a lot of people who meet me, they want to rent the basement when the whole house is up for sale. You seem to look for the whole house, so sex should really take a backseat to you. That's perfectly fine.

    On the flip side, there are two parts to a relationship, maybe three- there's the physical aspect, which I can tell that you know, even though you don't know that you know that. Then there's the emotional aspect. The hardest part about looking for a mate is trying to sell yourself to someone. (Side note: I can't believe I just made dating sound like prostitution.) It's easier said than done and it can destroy your ego. So there are a thousand things you can do to overcome this solution. I have a whole slew of reasons why I don't date, which are irrelevant to the topic, but overall I'm pretty sure that a psychologist will tell me that it stems from insecurities implanted in my head and that I should probably move on, and although I can't officially give you some good advice, I can tell you that you do pose a valid question that is common among many people- gay or straight, and that I believe I am in a similar situation as you.
  • Mondo_Bongo

    Posts: 80

    Dec 31, 2011 4:43 AM GMT
    believe in urself.ur a beautiful young smart man,u will have anything when the time is rite..dont be afraid of anything..look at urself in the mirror for a longer time, u will find out ur not only smart,but also charming and also cute too...
    best wishes...