Stuck, really need some advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    Ok, I really don't like putting this on a forum but I need some outside opinions.

    I've been dating my partner for about a year and a half now. He's 23, I'm 30. We met at work and really hit it off. We both travel for a living, lived in different cities but traveled to Chicago for our job. We were friends for about two months and then decided to "date". For the first six to eight months of dating whenever he would go home I could never get a hold of him. He would never take my calls, but would eventually call me back with an excuse.

    About 8 months ago he used my computer and left Facebook open. Me being curious looked, yup...he'd been hanging out with his ex every time he went back home, which is why he wouldn't take my calls. Only when I showed him what I found would he admit to anything.

    Well things have got better, until about 3 days ago when I called him at the airport before I left for an international trip. The first call he ignored, the second one he accidentally or should I say drunkenly accepted and also merged the call into a 3-way call. He was on the other line with his ex. I quickly hung up before anyone noticed.

    When I arrived at my destination I didn't as much have a text, voicemail or even a Facebook message saying sorry I missed you. So I then placed an international call back to the states and he answered. He said he was sorry that he didn't answer...said he put his phone in his friends purse and literally just pulled it out.

    What do I do? Tell him I know he's lying? Let it slide? Am I making a big deal about nothing? What else has he done, because he'll never admit to anything until I catch him....
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:06 PM GMT
    What is it that u want exactly and have you two discussed what u want out of this partnership? Ppl learn how to treat u thru communication and your reaction. You've basically given him a permission slip as he knows ur letting him slide by w/ infidelity. Value urself, what u bring to the relationship and decide how you will allow urself to be treated.
    Where u are at 30 might not be the direction he's thinking at 23. Brace urself.
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    dont even bother, just cut your ties & move on. obviously you dont trust him. so why stay with someone like that? just my opinion & my short experience. good luck.
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    His ex is not an ex. He only says that so he can continue fucking you without you thinking he's cheating.
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:13 PM GMT
    cut_your_losses.jpg

    knowwhentohol128466216763281250.jpg

    dre0592l.jpg
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
    chiguy82 saidWhat do I do? Tell him I know he's lying? Let it slide? Am I making a big deal about nothing? What else has he done, because he'll never admit to anything until I catch him....

    I suspect he's not yet ready for prime time. An issue with younger guys is that many (but by no means all) are not interested in or capable of maintaining a monogamous commitment, which is what you seem to want. You can wait and hope he grows more in the direction you want, or move on.

    I'm curious about your seeming to mix 2 terms: you say you've been dating your partner. Although gay relationship terms tend to be ill-defined and fluid, generally you do not date your partner. You date a new guy, you date a boyfriend, but you go out with your partner. He's like your husband, a much higher and more exclusive level of relationship for most couples.

    I wonder if you're clear in your own mind what this relationship is, and if your "partner" views it the same way. You guys might need to compare notes on this, and learn how the "ex" fits into the equation.
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:28 PM GMT
    never be with a man who is a pussy in trust and integrity! He is not a gentleman and it is time you move on and decide how you will move out naturally. Don't worry, there are a lot of good men out there who believe in caring a heart apart from the physical.
  • clevelander

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    Dec 26, 2011 3:29 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    chiguy82 saidWhat do I do? Tell him I know he's lying? Let it slide? Am I making a big deal about nothing? What else has he done, because he'll never admit to anything until I catch him....

    I suspect he's not yet ready for prime time. An issue with younger guys is that many (but by no means all) are not interested in or capable of maintaining a monogamous commitment, which is what you seem to want. You can wait and hope he grows more in the direction you want, or move on.

    I'm curious about your seeming to mix 2 terms: you say you've been dating your partner. Although gay relationship terms tend to be ill-defined and fluid, generally you do not date your partner. You date a new guy, you date a boyfriend, but you go out with your partner.

    I wonder if you're clear in your own mind what this relationship is, and if your "partner" views it the same way. You guys might need to compare notes on this.


    I agree with a lot of this. Over the last eighteen months, conversations should have been taking place to determine the health of the relationship, what level are we on, how we refer to ourselves, how exclusive are we, and where are we going.

    If you still work together, your man may be trying to let you know that he is no longer interested while trying to hurt your feelings as little as possible.

    I would never expect a 23 year old to have the nads to say what he is really feeling- you will need to take the lead and have a NON judgmental and NON threatening conversation about the state of the relationship and what does he want in life. You need to be ready for the answer, too. Good luck.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Dec 26, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    I kind of agree with some of whats been said above. You sound very stable and grounded.. he isn't. Since the relationship is "one with three guys in it", you either accept, unhappily or back off and move on. I don't think
    "instructing him to leave the ex alone" will get you anywhere except resentment. He clearly isn't ready yet (and may never be) to make it about you two alone.
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:38 PM GMT
    Ok, I don't think I was clear enough. We've had the talk, we are exclusive, are actually planning a "commitment ceremony" next June. I've met all his family, celebrate holidays with our families.

    Problem is when he goes away he chats with the ex constantly. Might be boredom, I dunno...my point is, if it was "innocent" why would he lie?
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    dude, he is lying to you for whatever reason. kick him to the curb... or even better, cheat on him by sleeping with his ex so that they turn on each other... then you kick them both to the curb. win!
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Dec 26, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    To the OP: You're harboring all this doubt in your partner and the relationship, and it's just festering. My suggestion would be to just lay the cards out on the table --- tell him about the Facebook, tell him about the recent phone incident, talk to him about it all --- and let the cards fall where they may. Communication is everything, and without it you have nothing but a recipe for disappointment, frustration, and disaster.
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:44 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidTo the OP: You're harboring all this doubt in your partner and the relationship, and it's just festering. My suggestion would be to just lay the cards out on the table --- tell him about the Facebook, tell him about the recent phone incident, talk to him about it all --- and let the cards fall where they may. Communication is everything, and without it you have nothing but a recipe for disappointment, frustration, and disaster.


    I agree. Too much time has passed to beat around the bush. By now you should be able to be as open as open can be, otherwise what's the point?

    -Doug
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    Dec 26, 2011 3:46 PM GMT
    You've had the talk. You've agreed to be exclusive. You've caught him a lie on more than one occasion, and about eight people have all agreed on your next course of action. If you're so committed to the relationship so as to have planned a commitment ceremony with a basis of monogamy, then I think your only option is to talk openly about it, get the information you really need, decide if you can actually trust him, decide on whether you need that degree of trust in a relationship or not (and some people don't), and then make the decision to leave the relationship or not.

    Obviously you have a lot of emotional investment in this relationship, but you'll probably find that your reasoning is going to go around in circles until one act breaks the chain and you can finally move forward one way or another.
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    Dec 26, 2011 4:26 PM GMT
    i_VAN saiddont even bother, just cut your ties & move on. obviously you dont trust him. so why stay with someone like that? just my opinion & my short experience. good luck.

    Best advice
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    Dec 26, 2011 4:37 PM GMT
    The communication issues alone are reason enough to dump him.

    No communication = no relationship.
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    Dec 26, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    There could be a few reasons. First, you are considerably more mature and stable than he is. He is still a "kid" while you are an adult.

    Why dont you ask him? He can have an ex and still be friends with him. It seems you relationship is not secure at all. both of you still have some doubts about being with each other.
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    Dec 26, 2011 4:49 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saiddude, he is lying to you for whatever reason. kick him to the curb... or even better, cheat on him by sleeping with his ex so that they turn on each other... then you kick them both to the curb. win!
    <3
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    Dec 26, 2011 4:50 PM GMT
    I'd say that communication is key, followed by a clear decision and path forward.

    First, what have the two of you agreed upon? You say that you've "had the talk," including exclusivity and a possible commitment ceremony. But have you talked about this situation and what it is doing to the relationship? There are many couples out there who have commitment ceremonies, but maintain open relationships, or relationships with one other person, etc., so it's important that you're both on the same page.

    One of the challenges for same-gender relationships is lack of a clear framework around monogamy, sexual activity, etc. I think there's real value to a monogamous relationship, but it can be hard to make happen in a world that values many shallow things, including how many partners someone may have, or how attractive he or she may be.

    Also, who asked for the commitment ceremony? If you did, and I suspect that's the case, he may be telling you what he thinks you want to hear, but not really be ready for that level of commitment.

    Second, I'd lay things on the line. Try to use "I" instead of "you" whenever possible. Good: "I feel hurt when it seems to me that you're sleeping with other guys. Not good, "You always cheat on me."

    Try to avoid sweeping generalizations as well, and listen carefully to what your partner says. Note that not all the communication will be verbal; he likely will give you lots of information on where he's at with things, but much of it will be body language, tone and tenor, and even how he engages with you. Also, try to keep the emotional side out of things, so that you can focus on what it being said.

    Third, let things sit for a bit after the conversation. Always best not to plunge into this sort of decision. Consider, too, whether there may be other issues a foot. Substance abuse? Self-esteem? People can be good folks who want to do the right thing but don't know how or otherwise struggle to do so.

    Fourth, make a decision and stick with it. If you conclude you'll never be able to trust him, move on, but do it with respect and dignity, while still being clear with him. (Just avoiding him is not a good way to do this.)

    If you decide to work things out, get counseling and take it seriously. And set some clear goals and timelines. For example, what would like to see in terms of intimacy? And how do you get from here to your goal, and when? Both sides also will need to set boundaries on personal behavior, including issues of personal privacy.

    And whatever you decide to do, I'd encourage you to treat him with respect,. No sleeping with his ex to cause an issue, etc. Real men do what's right, even when it isn't easy.

    Hope this helps, and good luck to you.

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    Dec 26, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    Don't agonize over this creep.

    The bottom line man: your guy is a liar. There's no two ways about it: he. is. a. liar. Do you want to be with a man who you know lies to you, not about tiny things or silly things, but about a pretty serious thing this early on??
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    Dec 26, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    chiguy82 saidOk, I don't think I was clear enough. We've had the talk, we are exclusive, are actually planning a "commitment ceremony" next June. I've met all his family, celebrate holidays with our families.

    Problem is when he goes away he chats with the ex constantly. Might be boredom, I dunno...my point is, if it was "innocent" why would he lie?

    The fact is you're not exclusive. You both only talk exclusive. Not taking your calls and lying should be a big indication to you, but you are rationalizing.

    As others have suggested, lay all the cards on the table. Don't pressure him to say what you want to hear. Overcoming trust is doable, but it is a huge obstacle. Hear what he really wants and decide if that is consistent with what you want, and make a decision accordingly.
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    Dec 26, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    chiguy82 saidOk, I don't think I was clear enough. We've had the talk, we are exclusive, are actually planning a "commitment ceremony" next June. I've met all his family, celebrate holidays with our families.

    Problem is when he goes away he chats with the ex constantly. Might be boredom, I dunno...my point is, if it was "innocent" why would he lie?


    Have you given him any indication that you would not take it well? No offense, but I am getting a paranoid vibe/obsessive vibe from you. It could be he is taking the path of least resistance. And he is 23. And you started dating when he was only 21.

    No offense but this relationship is right out of the stereotypical gay handbook.
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    Dec 26, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    Guys don't lie about things that are innocent.

    Even if nothing is happening (i.e. they aren't fucking), he thinks that talking to his ex is wrong enough that he has to lie to you about it. That's a breach of emotional intimacy. Even if there's nothing objectively wrong here, he thinks it's wrong (or he wouldn't lie) and keeps doing it.
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    Dec 26, 2011 5:18 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidTo the OP: You're harboring all this doubt in your partner and the relationship, and it's just festering. My suggestion would be to just lay the cards out on the table --- tell him about the Facebook, tell him about the recent phone incident, talk to him about it all --- and let the cards fall where they may. Communication is everything, and without it you have nothing but a recipe for disappointment, frustration, and disaster.


    This! Nicely put. What is it about NOT talking with guys. If he likes his ex and wants to keep in touch, then he should tell you this. If you trust him and he's open, it wouldn't be a problem but does he know you'd be OK with it? Or are you not? Talk, talk, talk! Do it soon because you don't want to finalize a commitment if there are potential issues already looming!
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    Dec 26, 2011 5:18 PM GMT
    I would have dumped him long ago...