The Other Guy (it's a long read)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    So, I need some advice. I'm pretty sure I know what I should do, but it'd be nice to get some confirmation.

    For background, my best friend lives about 3 hours away, so I go to visit her (and her girlfriend) every now and then. This is a story about a guy that I met while I was up there. Sorry in advance if this is long, but it really needs context:

    March - meet this guy at a bar. I think he's cool and vice versa...some mild flirting, some mild chemistry, but nothing really happened. I did think he was cute, but I had also heard he had a boyfriend...and no one really wants to be in that situation. And plus, I was having a good time with this other guy I had met who was extremely single.

    Mid June - go back up to see my BFF. At the same bar...he is there. We dance but nothing crazy...trying to be respectful of the whole boyfriend thing. Although if you have a boyfriend you don't dance with another guy, but maybe they're "open..." idk

    Approx. late June - friend request on facebook and we start talking/texting...he's really flirty. I asked him if he had a boyfriend...got white noise. Despite knowing better, I decide to ignore the silence as a sign they broke up or something. After all, guys in a monogamous relationship don't flirt with other guys...right!?!?!

    Late June - go back up to visit my friend. He is there. Drunk. Very drunk. We start dancing...definitely inappropriately...he starts kissing my neck. I realize his best friend is there staring daggers at me...long story short, the boyfriend story is confirmed and I get pissed. His best friend also hates me because he thinks I am a home-wrecking whore (also pisses me off). Proceed to tell the boy that I am really not happy with this and that basically he needs higher self esteem. Needless to say we don't talk for a while.

    Late September - random message from the boy saying that he is sorry that he did that. Admits he has a boyfriend, but wants to remain friends. I say that is fine, I liked him enough to be friends with him even if he did have a boyfriend.

    September to last weekend: on and off flirting, but more getting to know each other...not talking every day but averaging once or twice a week...i start to realize i really like this guy. I'm still "seeing" other guys, if you will, but my mind is kind of coming back to him. I tell him I'm coming up to see my friends for my post-birthday celebration. He says he'll be there. Note - and this is probably my fault - since we started talking again, we barely mention his boyfriend. I did ask him once the equivalent of "what gives?" and he says being with his bf sucks...they never see each other...there's not much of a spark...etc.

    Last Saturday - I meet him at the bar with some mutual friends. I'm obviously not expecting anything because (I think) he's in a relationship. I was wrong. He basically is at my side the entire night. Dancing on me. Feeling me. He totally made out with me like...four or five times. Some of his friends even know who I am and he's a pretty private guy. Needless to say I was shocked.

    Last Sunday - my group of upstate friends having this brunch tradition, so...i invited him on Saturday and he comes with his bff and his bff's boyfriend. Anyway, apparently the chemistry between us is crazy or w/e and I guess I kind of like him. So he had to leave early, but I walk him to his car and was just like, "I had fun this weekend..." he was like, "I did too, honestly." So I invite him to the city...and he's like, "I want to, but you know I work all the time (which is true)" And I kind of kissed him before he left.

    Fast forward to now - we've never been much of an on-the-phone thing, which is fine by me. I did tell him that when I'm with him I feel good and that I want more of it. And he said he wants to take things slowly and less publicly than before, but that he does like where things are going. So I'm cool with this until literally we don't talk as much as we used to.

    To clarify, he's definitely responsive if I make the first move...so I'm getting the silent treatment, but I just feel like something's off. It's been about a week so far. I asked him to Skype yesterday and he said he probably shouldn't until he gets his thoughts together, which is fine I guess.

    I guess the advice I need is - how long should I wait? He's severely introverted and private...and being the same way, I respect his privacy. And it's probably the fundamental reason I'm very attracted to him. But unlike him, I'm very direct. I'm not sure how I feel about him potentially cheating on his boyfriend and I don't want to help him do it again. I think ultimatums are silly, but can you guys please give me some alternate ways of looking at this? We have this insane chemistry and I think I want something to happen, but not at the expense of being "the other guy" and not at the expense of having severe trust issues. Is this thing doomed from the start? Also - has anyone been in HIS situation? What was the outcome of it? Did you really like the other guy although you were in a relationship? I guess I want to know how common this situation is...

    Thanks in advance and thanks for reading!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2011 9:32 AM GMT
    Wow...quite a lot of views, but no one wants to venture an opinion?

    I guess I'll start...

    First off, I'd say you've "waited" far long enough IMHO. This whole thing began in March or more realistically in June and has been somewhat on-again, off-again til now, so it's been about 6 months. All along, he has had a boyfriend that you're aware of so your continued flirting and making dates to meet up means you are being exactly that Other Guy whom you don't wish to be. You haven't clarified whether he is in an open relationship or not, but regardless, do you really want to begin a relationship with someone whom you don't really know you can even trust?

    Something doesn't sound right with the situation with his boyfriend, but you can't really control any of that. You can however control the amount of drama you want in your own life. Until there's some resolution with his situation, continuing to prolong things with him will most certainly create more drama in your life. You don't need that!

    I'd say focus your efforts on dating/seeing other guys who are definitely single. Someone who can actually give you all the time, effort and honesty of attention that you deserve. You're an attractive young man, and the longer you waste on this means less chance of meeting that really special someone...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2011 11:48 AM GMT
    I'll bite because I'm bored and because stuff like this is often hilarious and entertaining to me.

    So you met this guy in March and things didn't really begin heating up til about June. Ok. That right there should've been your clue but in a situation like this such a thing is often overlooked and not noticed easily. Ok. No prob there.

    Here's where it gets interesting. You asked him if he had a BF and you got white noise. That's a red flag (IMHO) because it's a simple "Yes" or "No" question that really doesn't require much thought to answer. Integrity issue. You didn't get an answer (in fact you ignored the silence...your bad there) and you made the mistake of assuming that folks in monogamous relationships don't flirt. You would be wrong. Very wrong in fact (as you sadly just found out). Flirting means nothing unless you want it to and if there is action behind it.

    Let's be real in this situation. You didn't like him enough in this scenario to just be friends. Who are you kidding? You seriously wanted more then that as to say you wanted to at least fuck him and possibly pursue something more with this guy if possible from the get-go. Merely saying you just wanted to be friends is somewhat of a cope out because if that's all you wanted then you wouldn't have encouraged the make out session you guys had regardless of his drunken state or beyond that. Those with intentions of just being friends don't do that. It's misleading and you know better. You continue to see this guy after the fact that his best friend is giving you the signs to back the fuck off with a mere glance and you learn that he is in fact in a relationship. Once again, you ignored this blatantly obvious sign and still see him later on. You guys don't talk about his bf when you meet in Sept, which is again, another sign ignored by you and now you've developed feelings for him beyond a potential friendship.

    It's funny how you say you are direct. You might be direct in asking questions but you sure aren't direct about about following through and getting answers hence when you asked if he had a bf he totally dodged the question and you literally ignored it. You probably knew he was in a relationship or at least had a strong feeling he was hiding something. Yup. I see fault all over this place and it's pointing to your ability to easily ignore things of importance and the obvious.

    Let's continue shall we. Now you wanna take it further and Skype with this guy and wisely he declines because he has things to figure out. Good call on his part. You've made out with him and have now become the x-factor.

    Here's my advice. Quit seeing him altogether. You've just learned a very important thing about him that should make things easy in not seeing him. He dodged a very important question when you asked him that was later confirmed with the assistance of a best friend (his). You are ignoring all the signs that say "Danger Will Robinson" and are in the process of entertaining disaster that could easily be avoided. Stay away from this dude until he can come clean and, more importantly, is actually single and available and doesn't have honesty/integrity issues. His silence is speaking volumes. It's deafening.

    You might also wanna do a little reevaluating on yourself since you did ignore certain things. Had you been more persistent in getting an answer when you asked a certain question and not being lazy and lacking some self control I doubt you'd be here asking for advice. That's just how I see it from my view. Also if you know he has a bf and he is about to cheat on his bf in order to be with you what would make you think he wouldn't do the same to you if you two got together? It should make you feel like shit and it should make you not want to be a stereotype/statistic with this guy. Easily avoidable with a little common sense and some thought on your part.

    Forget this dude and move on to someone who is more readily available and not a drama case with issues of honesty and infidelity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2011 12:34 PM GMT
    Guy101: Don't think you're doing yourself any favors (generally speaking) by being extremely condescending and rude.

    Listen, a lot of what you say is true. And you make good points. But who says I can't be friends with someone I had a crush on? And perhaps I wasn't clear...a lot of this wasn't "seeing" each other - we texted a lot and when I was up visiting my friend, we were at the same bar. Not quite chance encounters, but not stealing away (literally speaking) to be together. That's why I didn't really have feelings for a long time, actually.

    Here's me being direct - you say some pretty helpful (not groundbreaking) stuff with a lot of unnecessary condescension mixed in. I don't even know you, so it wouldn't kill you to at least state your opinion without being a complete dickhead. I'm not claiming I'm perfect or that this is an ideal situation, so I needed advice, not you psychoanalyzing me, really. Do the world a favor; don't start a help column anytime soon.

    Guy101Forget this dude and move on someone who is more readily available and not a drama case with issues of honesty and infidelity.


    Honestly, I would have rather you just said this and left it alone. Thanks for the concise response above; you pretty much suck otherwise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    daywalker33 saidWow...quite a lot of views, but no one wants to venture an opinion?

    I guess I'll start...

    First off, I'd say you've "waited" far long enough IMHO. This whole thing began in March or more realistically in June and has been somewhat on-again, off-again til now, so it's been about 6 months. All along, he has had a boyfriend that you're aware of so your continued flirting and making dates to meet up means you are being exactly that Other Guy whom you don't wish to be. You haven't clarified whether he is in an open relationship or not, but regardless, do you really want to begin a relationship with someone whom you don't really know you can even trust?

    Something doesn't sound right with the situation with his boyfriend, but you can't really control any of that. You can however control the amount of drama you want in your own life. Until there's some resolution with his situation, continuing to prolong things with him will most certainly create more drama in your life. You don't need that!

    I'd say focus your efforts on dating/seeing other guys who are definitely single. Someone who can actually give you all the time, effort and honesty of attention that you deserve. You're an attractive young man, and the longer you waste on this means less chance of meeting that really special someone...


    Thanks. That's helpful. It's not quite as simple as it's being interpreted, but I suppose that's how it has to go without writing a dissertation. I wasn't really setting up dates or flirting all that much until the end of this year...was kind of on him. I appreciate it.
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Dec 27, 2011 12:43 PM GMT
    My response will be pretty short, sorry.

    But I don't think you should bother with him. If you're ultimately looking for a relationship, you already know he doesn't value monogamy and that he won't think twice with cheating.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Dec 27, 2011 12:54 PM GMT
    the guy is a flirt and a cheat.

    move on to a better man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2011 1:33 PM GMT
    closer85 saidGuy101: Don't think you're doing yourself any favors (generally speaking) by being extremely condescending and rude.

    Listen, a lot of what you say is true. And you make good points. But who says I can't be friends with someone I had a crush on? And perhaps I wasn't clear...a lot of this wasn't "seeing" each other - we texted a lot and when I was up visiting my friend, we were at the same bar. Not quite chance encounters, but not stealing away (literally speaking) to be together. That's why I didn't really have feelings for a long time, actually.

    Here's me being direct - you say some pretty helpful (not groundbreaking) stuff with a lot of unnecessary condescension mixed in. I don't even know you, so it wouldn't kill you to at least state your opinion without being a complete dickhead. I'm not claiming I'm perfect or that this is an ideal situation, so I needed advice, not you psychoanalyzing me, really. Do the world a favor; don't start a help column anytime soon.

    Guy101Forget this dude and move on someone who is more readily available and not a drama case with issues of honesty and infidelity.


    Honestly, I would have rather you just said this and left it alone. Thanks for the concise response above; you pretty much suck otherwise.


    Sorry but anyone who knows me as far as this site is concerned knows I don't sugar coat stuff. Sorry to hear you have thin skin on a situation that's easily avoidable. This is me keeping it real and being direct: If you don't like real answers then maybe you shouldn't put yourself in a situation to get them. That's as real as they come and no one is obligated to be nice about it.

    You are far from being in a position to give advice when you can't even figure out something as simple as the situation you're in. I suggest your check yourself and don't be skimpy about doing it. It wouldn't kill you to stop and apply a little common sense to this over played, tired and seemingly common scenario that seems to plague gay men such as yourself. This situation supports the fact that you aren't perfect. LOL.

    I don't need to do myself any favors because, unlike you, I don't put myself in situations that would require them and before asking for advice I would have the good graces to stop and think for a moment. Clearly you didn't.

    Oh yeah. Also why the fuck would you wanna be friends with someone who lacks the ability to be honest and answer questions when it's necessary? That doesn't sound like a good friendship quality to me regardless of whether you have a crush on him or not. Once again, you aren't thinking but that seems to be a common thing these days. You were quite clear in your original post. I just weeded out the middle stuff and got to the core of the situation.

    *You met a guy when visiting a friend. You liked him.
    *You asked questions that he didn't answered and you didn't pursue in getting them in a timely manner which probably would've saved you the time in making this post in the 1st place if you had.
    *You indulged him in making out with him after you figured out he was in a relationship.
    *You've now developed feelings for this dude knowing he's in relationship and you are now wondering if you should continue seeing this guy after learning certain things about him (him being in a relationship).

    That's called summarizing, buddy, and that's what I did. Here's a shorter version of what you should've posted: I met a guy while visiting a friend and I developed a crush on him knowing he's in relationship. What should I do?"

    No one cares that you texted this dude for ages or that you've spent a good portion of the year dealing with this dilemma having only met him a few times. I took the important info out of this novel and put a dash of my own "charm" and humor in this situation. Sorry you took it that way. Guess what? I can do that. Deal with it and grow some thick skin. Take the advice I freely gave that you openly and vaguely asked for with a grain of salt and move on with your life. Seems you took it personally because I'm right on the mark and you don't like the fact that I called you out or rather the way I did it. Meh! Again, deal it with it. I noticed you didn't say I was wrong. Hahahahahahaha.

    FYI: when you ask for advice people generally do analyze the situation and the person with whatever information is given and learned from said situation and person in order to give advice. They also point flaws and faults out to help the individual. That's how therapists and psychiatrists make a living. LOL. I don't know you but I know your situation well enough because of it's frequency on this site and real life.

    How about you do yourself and the world a favor and don't put yourself in high school-like situations. How about you apply a little common sense so shit like this can be avoided and you won't have to ask complete strangers online for advice that a 6 year could figure out. How about you put a real problem up that hasn't been played out already and answered numerous times on this site. LOL. Anyone else who answers after me will you pretty much say the same thing I just did but in their own special way as I did. I just chose the long version. You should respect the fact that you're even getting advice for something like this from anyone.

    The only thing I suck at is failure. I simply don't do it. Bwahahahahaha.

    P.S. This is me being nice icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2011 1:50 PM GMT
    As you say in your original post, you already know what you should do. You knew what you should do as soon as you heard he had a boyfriend. Whether or not they are happy is not your business and does not factor into the decision; he told you he has a boyfriend. You could tell by his friends' reaction that his boyfriend doesn't know he is cheating (why they are all up in your grill instead of his, I can't say, but regardless, you got the information you needed).

    From a purely selfish perspective, If he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you. From a "live-with-yourself" perspective, put yourself in the unknowing boyfriend's shoes and think about how you'd feel. Be the bigger man and tell him until he gets his situation in order, he needs to keep his hands and his tongue to himself and then remove yourself from the temptation by suggesting to your friend in his town that you guys need a new venue when you visit.

    There are plenty of nice single guys in the world. Find one (or more than one, whatever works).