This is complicated...Does anyone have advice for me?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2011 8:50 PM GMT
    So here's my situation... I am 21 and I am in a relationship - a pretty good relationship. Only my family knows that I'm gay, but they dont really approve of it (though they have come to terms with it and dont fight me about it any more).
    Now, the abovementioned is only a part of the situation I find myself in. I find myself wanting to meet other guys. I'm not looking to cheat on my boyfriend or anything, I simply want to have friends and meet people that will change my life. I want more people in my life who I can admire, do things with and learn from. I don't have many friends where I live, I only have one or two close ones that live far away and they dont even know that I'm gay (I think).

    There are 2 reasons why I dont meet other guys... Number one being that I dont want my bf to feel jealous and threatened. Number two - I dont want to have to deal with the family for various reasons - mostly for making assumptions about what my or the other person's intentions are. And number three - what if after a period of time of knowing someone, I develop feelings for that person? That would be bad, but it could happen. So thats 3 reason then.

    Its like I have a constant guilt about this very much innocent desire to fill my life with awesome people and I feel unloyal towards my boyfriend for potentially making him feel threatened and wanting to spend time with people that I meet on the internet. And I also feel like I need permission and everyone's approval before I am allowed to do something. I couldn't bare to face any sort of confrontation about this from anyone because I am not able to answer to any questions since I dont even know where this possibly leading to.

    I really dont know what I should do. I have a desire to go with the flow, but it doesnt make sense. All I know is that this is not just some weird desire, its been on my mind for a long time. I hope the way I have stated my situation makes sense.

    Any advice, opinions and questions are welcome.
  • Trifyre

    Posts: 142

    Dec 27, 2011 8:57 PM GMT
    Ok, 1- In a relationship you have to learn to trust each other or it won't last long, so as long as you're open and upfront with him it should be fine. If you want to compromise- meet them with him so that he can see nothing is happening. 2- Family: First you have to do what makes you happy before others or else you'll be miserable. Try it out and see how it goes. If they can't handle it, it's their problem. 3- If feels come up, then part of that usually means something's not right with the relationship you're in now because he should be the one making you feel like that. You're still young and new to the whole scene so that is a very real possibility, but it's something that you should go through so that you know exactly what type of guy you want.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 27, 2011 9:09 PM GMT
    First, you are way too young to be in a relationship. Secondly, you should be able to have friends without your bf feeling threaten by that. As for developing feelings for someone else. If you are in love like you said you are than you will not have to worry about falling for someone else. Anyhow, I think you are too young to be in a serious relationship. Most guys have not figured out who and what they want out of life at this time. Therefore, trying to be a relationship would be ridiculous
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    Dec 27, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidFirst, you are way too young to be in a relationship. Secondly, you should be able to have friends without your bf feeling threaten by that. As for developing feelings for someone else. If you are in love like you said you are than you will not have to worry about falling for someone else. Anyhow, I think you are too young to be in a serious relationship. Most guys have not figured out who and what they want out of life at this time. Therefore, trying to be a relationship would be ridiculous


    I disagree with your comment " you are way too young to be in a relationship" I had an amazing relationship when I was 21.

    I get the feeling you yourself want to explore, meet new people. If that is the case, perhaps being in a relationship is holding you back?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2011 9:34 PM GMT
    This is a very common issue with relationships off all ages, both gay and straight. And its not a matter of age, but maturity and commitment.

    Couples such as yourself prefer to hang around with other couples, preferably monogamous, but definitely platonic. Single friends can be a source of friction, especially if it involves dragging your partner out for a night of carousing at the clubs. Bad influence.

    One idea is for both of you to volunteer, maybe at a GLBT organization. You'll meet other married gay guys there. Also, with an election year coming up, volunteering for the gay friendly candidate will put you in company with other gay guys.

    You can also take up the initiative yourselves. Back in 1992, I was dating a guy and we decided to load a table in the car and haul it down to the sidewalk in the gay area. Our Presidential election was in progress, with Clinton being the pro-gay candidate, and Bush anti-gay. So we printed a Clinton vs. Bush fact sheet. We had voter registration cards. My boyfriend even brought his portable TV and VCR with a tape of Clinton's speech to a gay group. We were surprised nobody was doing this. But it was very rewarding...people thanked us for being there and willing to fight....we educated people about the campaign....and we met lots of gay couples, some of whom I'm still in contact with today.

    But making friends with couples is not easy. You have to cast a wide net to catch compatible people. But if you take the initiative, you can do it. I guarantee there are other couples in your community facing the same dilemma.

    Good luck!

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    Dec 27, 2011 9:43 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidFirst, you are way too young to be in a relationship.

    You are so wrong. You have got to have the lowest opinion of younger guys than anyone I know.

    OP, have you spoken with your boyfriend about this? If not, you should. maybe you're worrying for no reason. You need friends that are your own as well as mutual friends. If I were you, I'd start with mutual friends first, and then take it from there.
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    Dec 27, 2011 9:56 PM GMT

    JarodP, we're a little confused, on the one hand you don't want your partner to feel jealous or threatened, yet when we looked at the part of your profile that talks about guys you'd like to meet a lot of it is about what you're looking for that will turn you on.




  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Dec 27, 2011 10:04 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidFirst, you are way too young to be in a relationship. Secondly, you should be able to have friends without your bf feeling threaten by that. As for developing feelings for someone else. If you are in love like you said you are than you will not have to worry about falling for someone else. Anyhow, I think you are too young to be in a serious relationship. Most guys have not figured out who and what they want out of life at this time. Therefore, trying to be a relationship would be ridiculous


    You limits on what someone should do at a certain age baffles me. There is no requirement on how old you have to be to share your life with someone else.

    to OP, if you feel like you're betraying anyone in you life by trying to figure yourself out, then that's the point where you pretty much have to do your own thing for a bit without thinking of the consequences. You have to be a bit selfish in life or else you will be stuck always doing things that makes others happy and not yourself.

    i think you should talk to everyone you feel needs to know what's going on and include them (esp. your bf). I think that would show that you are still thinking of them and yourself at the same time. You're trying to figure life out while also not destroying the one you have now.
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    Dec 27, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    JarodP, we're a little confused, on the one hand you don't want your partner to feel jealous or threatened, yet when we looked at the part of your profile that talks about guys you'd like to meet a lot of it is about what you're looking for that will turn you on.


    ^^^ AGREE!

    The list of the guys you like to meet means the guys you would be interested with will have to be naked (at least half-naked) at some point!

  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Dec 28, 2011 1:09 AM GMT
    I didn't read it all, blah blah blah, but if you love the guy you are with you should be talking to him instead of us. Being together is part of growing together. Why can't you go find gay places and gay people together? What did you thing the being together was about when you agreed to it?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 28, 2011 1:45 AM GMT
    Bustamante said
    tuffguyndc saidFirst, you are way too young to be in a relationship. Secondly, you should be able to have friends without your bf feeling threaten by that. As for developing feelings for someone else. If you are in love like you said you are than you will not have to worry about falling for someone else. Anyhow, I think you are too young to be in a serious relationship. Most guys have not figured out who and what they want out of life at this time. Therefore, trying to be a relationship would be ridiculous


    I disagree with your comment " you are way too young to be in a relationship" I had an amazing relationship when I was 21.

    I get the feeling you yourself want to explore, meet new people. If that is the case, perhaps being in a relationship is holding you back?
    Notice I same most guys. I did not say all. There is always a exception to the rule buddy. YOu are more than welcome to disagree but the fact is that most guys are not ready for marriage at such a early age. Most have not finished school nor established a career. Most do not even know what they want to do with their lives. The only thing I will say about being in a relationship so young is it allows you to figure out what you do and don't want in a relationship
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 28, 2011 1:50 AM GMT
    RIGuy60 said
    tuffguyndc saidFirst, you are way too young to be in a relationship.

    You are so wrong. You have got to have the lowest opinion of younger guys than anyone I know.

    OP, have you spoken with your boyfriend about this? If not, you should. maybe you're worrying for no reason. You need friends that are your own as well as mutual friends. If I were you, I'd start with mutual friends first, and then take it from there.
    Its fact dude and if you do not believe it than I feel sorry for you. But remember I am not saying all young guys. I am saying most, the majority are not ready for a serious relationship. Most are not mature enough to handle anything that serious. Again, let me restate this I am not saying all. I am just saying the majority are not ready for this type of relationship. All you have to do is look at the OP and his statement and you see that from reading his post. Listen, I do not have a low opinion of young people. I just have a realistic view of them because I was one of them. Although, I was very mature for my age. I still had the tendencies and mental capacity of some in my 20's from time to time.
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Dec 28, 2011 1:53 AM GMT
    When a couple act as a couple. Meet other guys who also are in a relationship.
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    Dec 28, 2011 1:53 AM GMT
    The human brain doesn't mature until around the age of 30, with the parts governing good judgment, good adult communications, and emotional maturity getting wired late in the game.

    Most 21 years olds, are by, almost any measure, too emotionally and mentally immature to handle the dynamics of a sound relationship, although, of course, they feel otherwise. Some 20-somethings are more mature than others but they lack good communications skills and tend to be I,I,I.

    Many 30-ish gays are horrible at lashing out against others, and very manipulative, and "I'm gay, therefore you must accept me." That's all rubbish, of course.

    You can't lead your life seeking approval from family members you may never get. If you want to meet other folks, you have to setup the situations to meet those people, and, especially being gay, that is sometimes easier said than done.

    Hard as it can be, you have to come to like yourself first, and the rest will follow.

    Part of a good relationship, and, of growing up, is learning the communications skills to say to your partner, "I'd like to meet more folks." or, "Please don't introduce yourself to my friends before I have a chance to introduce you", or "Don't post every single time on my Facebook. You know who I come home to." He's the person you should be talking to. You have to be specific. You can't say "I need space" and expect your partner to know what you're wanting.

    In a healthy relationship, one that is truly loving, and selfless, both partners have to be willing to give the other a level of trust and autonomy, so that each partner can feel unencroached upon. That means not being jealous. That means having trust.

    It's very easy to smother someone in a relationship (perhaps you are being smothered by your boyfriend?). Smothering will eventually lead to some level of flight.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 28, 2011 1:54 AM GMT
    ja89 said
    tuffguyndc saidFirst, you are way too young to be in a relationship. Secondly, you should be able to have friends without your bf feeling threaten by that. As for developing feelings for someone else. If you are in love like you said you are than you will not have to worry about falling for someone else. Anyhow, I think you are too young to be in a serious relationship. Most guys have not figured out who and what they want out of life at this time. Therefore, trying to be a relationship would be ridiculous


    You limits on what someone should do at a certain age baffles me. There is no requirement on how old you have to be to share your life with someone else.

    to OP, if you feel like you're betraying anyone in you life by trying to figure yourself out, then that's the point where you pretty much have to do your own thing for a bit without thinking of the consequences. You have to be a bit selfish in life or else you will be stuck always doing things that makes others happy and not yourself.

    i think you should talk to everyone you feel needs to know what's going on and include them (esp. your bf). I think that would show that you are still thinking of them and yourself at the same time. You're trying to figure life out while also not destroying the one you have now.
    Wow, its fascinating that you would say my statement baffles you but than you turn around tell him that maybe he needs to take some time to be by himself. Now, that baffles me. I mean you basically just proved everything I was saying
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 28, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidThe human brain doesn't mature until around the age of 30, with the parts governing good judgment, good adult communications, and emotional maturity getting wired late in the game.

    Most 21 years olds, are by, almost any measure, too emotionally and mentally immature to handle the dynamics of a sound relationship, although, of course, they feel otherwise. Some 20-somethings are more mature than others but they lack good communications skills and tend to be I,I,I.

    Many 30-ish gays are horrible at lashing out against others, and very manipulative, and "I'm gay, therefore you must accept me." That's all rubbish, of course.

    You can't lead your life seeking approval from family members you may never get. If you want to meet other folks, you have to setup the situations to meet those people, and, especially being gay, that is sometimes easier said than done.

    Hard as it can be, you have to come to like yourself first, and the rest will follow.
    Wow, finally another person who gets where I am coming from
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Dec 28, 2011 1:58 AM GMT
    Could you become friends with any of your partner's friends? These are people who would likely respect your relationship and not be threatening to your partner.
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    Dec 28, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like the OP does want to cheat and play the field, but is too scared to admit it due to the familial and social pressures he'd face...not to mention the loss of the one guy who loves him.

    Just my brutally honest $0.02+tax.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2011 4:31 AM GMT
    Complicated thoughts take time and effort to simplify.

    Consider seeking the help of a professional life coach, therapist, or counselor to guide you.
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    Dec 28, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    You're not young at all to be in a relationship at all.. I actually envy that.

    What I can tell you is that you need to talk with your guy and see his insight to the matter. If he gets emotionally insecure with you have other male gay friends then its his problem and not yours. It'll be even worse if he uses that against you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2011 4:40 AM GMT
    Growth comes after experience... Live your life and those meant to journey w/ u will be there. The others will be at a rest stop or waiting for a tow truckicon_eek.gif
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    Dec 28, 2011 8:12 AM GMT
    Maybe there's some sense in all of the replies. I'm trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want and the answer to MIGHT be that I want adventure. I've been an adventure seeker since childhood. I want to go out and do things and see places. In my relationship its not really like that. So yes, I do feel like my relationship is holding me back... but at the same time its keeping me sane. My partner really is the perfect partner everyone is looking for, but unfortunately he doesnt get my never-ending sense of adventure.

    I dont know where this is leading to... I dont have energy to think straight. I type so many different things and then backspace it all because whatever I'm typing sounds like the biggest load of rubbish I ever read. I must be going mad icon_eek.gif . I'm usually the one with the answers icon_question.gif

    Maybe I just need a decent break from work...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    "My partner really is the perfect partner everyone is looking for, but unfortunately he doesnt get my never-ending sense of adventure."

    Hmmm....you know, I ended up in some pretty unhappy relationships with men that thought I was, "the perfect partner everyone is looking for". I was a possession, something valuable to have, but really they weren't in love with me. They were more in love with their perceived sense of freedom, which in the end turned out to be the bars of their prison. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Dec 28, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidFirst, you are way too young to be in a relationship. Secondly, you should be able to have friends without your bf feeling threaten by that. As for developing feelings for someone else. If you are in love like you said you are than you will not have to worry about falling for someone else. Anyhow, I think you are too young to be in a serious relationship. Most guys have not figured out who and what they want out of life at this time. Therefore, trying to be a relationship would be ridiculous
    I agree with you on this tuffguy. When you're in your early 20s, you need to be out dating guys to figure out what a relationship is all about and what you enjoy about guys that will allow you to find a guy that might go the distance with you. Most of the guys that will say they had a great relationship when they were in their 20s are now single. So essentially they've started looking for what they want in a guy because the 'young' relationship didn't pan out for the long haul.

    Tryfire hit on the big points, go back and re-read his comments. He really summed it up nicely and gave some great options for you. The big issue is trust and communications. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're dead, get out and make guy friends and have some fun (socially) with them. It's healthy to do things on your own with them too. My bf and I have an agreement that when we go out together or alone, no matter who we're meeting or what we're doing, we all 'save the last dance' for our partner, meaning that we'll always be coming home to the one we love.

    Communications is key. He'll never know what you want if you don't talk about it. He also needs his own circle of friends with common interests to spend time with. Good luck.