Friend Betrayal

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2008 4:49 PM GMT
    I am out to about 95% of my friends (family still doesnt know). One of my closest female friends just emailed me apologizing. Basically saying she outed me to her mother (After I came out to her, I told her not to tell anyone..especially her family). When I asked her why she said "Because everyone was pushing the issue and I sounded stupid lying about it". Last week my twin brother saw us walking to the mall and she yelled to my brother to call me because we needed to talk. Im so pissed right now at her I cant even think straight. What kind of friend would out someone? And to her family. Her family is very big and all have big mouths. So basically everyone will know by the end of the week.

    To make matters worse, my friend and I live in the same building and she has a key to my place. I dont even want to look or speak with her.

    What would you do in this situation?
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jun 16, 2008 5:09 PM GMT
    Unfortunately thats one of those things you cant stop. It may be difficult but I suggest accepting it, and maybe starting to tell people yourself, they might take it better coming from you than from a family of loudmouths. I do suggest finding a new friend, it sounds like this girl doesnt have any sense of respect for you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 16, 2008 5:12 PM GMT
    Well I think a couple of things really... First, when you let the "jeanie" out of the bottle (so to speak) by talking with "95%" of your friends about your being gay, understand that it probably would get out to other people. Its human nature. Yes, your friend might have been a little insensitive, but its not her sensitivity here... its yours.

    Many people confide in friends before telling family. If you don't want it becoming common knowledge, I would be very careful who you tell... and why.. and while you are upset now, it might be a good idea to proceed and tell your family. While I don't have a position on this, I know that many gay men tell everyone at once so they "don't" have problems like the one here.

    I can understand your irritation with your friend.. but.. that irritation must start with yourself first. You created the situation. Now, how do you plan to get out of it? Don't place all the blame on your friend.
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    Jun 16, 2008 5:33 PM GMT
    I think you have every right to be mad at her. You told her in confidence and she isnt just letting it slip. She is going out of her way to broadcast it.

    Even if you have to do it thru clenched teeth, I would confront her and tell her that you wish she would stop. You are perfectly able to tell people in your own time and in your own way.

    Some people cant take a hint. You really have to be in their face and brutal to get the message across.
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    Jun 16, 2008 5:42 PM GMT
    I don't condone her actions...but have you considered that you've subconsciously engineered this situation in order to have yourself outed with you having to do the outing?
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    Jun 16, 2008 5:47 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidI don't condone her actions...but have you considered that you've subconsciously engineered this situation in order to have yourself outed with you having to do the outing?


    I have to concur with this statement and add that unless you REALLY wanted to stay in the closet you would not have mentioned it to a SOUL!!! When you tell one, they tell one and so on and so on, it's human nature.
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    Jun 16, 2008 5:53 PM GMT
    a1972guy said[quote][cite]RunintheCity said[/cite]I don't condone her actions...but have you considered that you've subconsciously engineered this situation in order to have yourself outed with you having to do the outing?

    I have to concur with this statement and add that unless you REALLY wanted to stay in the closet you would not have mentioned it to a SOUL!!! When you tell one, they tell one and so on and so on, it's human nature.


    Horsehockey! A person can want to share a part of his life with someone and not the whole world. And a person can expect other people to understand. This babe is out of control. This isn't a forgetful slip; she is shouting across the damn mall, for christ's sake.

    Gymguy1, you have every right to be pissed at her. If I were up there with you, I would even help you hide the body.
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    Jun 16, 2008 6:14 PM GMT

    What would I do to her? I'd THANK her. Here's why: because if left to your own devices, you may have never come out. What you were doing was slowly pulling an old bandage off that couldn't stay there, that always just makes it hurt worse. Your friend ripped it off: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH, doesn't that feel better? Yeah, there may be some fall out, maybe even a little residual pain, but bottomline, she DID the job.


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    Jun 16, 2008 6:17 PM GMT
    I agree with the others. You know this woman, you know her family, you know her "big mouth" but yet you confided in her this secret. Seems like a small part of you knew exactly what it was doing. Perhaps you're tired of hiding and honestly, depending on your age, dating habits, & current living situation. I'm sure your family probably already suspects if not flat out knows (the "roommate" excuse only works for so many years). Yes, you can be angry at her but after the anger subsides, sit gurlfriend down and share with her what she did and how that wasn't cool. Then ask her flat out, to go to her mother and tell HER to keep her mouth shut so you can tell your family yourself (if it's not too late). It's always best to come from your mouth than "rumors from the street". Then, my friend. time to take the door off the closet and let your family see you for what you really are - they already know WHO you are handsome - family.

    When I came out to my parents, they were 110% supportive. My aunt however, wouldn't speak to me for a year. I still sent birthday cards as if nothing changed. She's now like a second mom, trying to make sure I fall in love with the right man. LOL

    Nothing's really changed. You're still the man you've always were. Just more honest and perhaps open.

    Be Black, Gay & Proud.

    Good luck!!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 16, 2008 6:27 PM GMT
    YakkoSF saidI agree with the others. You know this woman, you know her family, you know her "big mouth" but yet you confided in her this secret.

    Good luck!!


    I tend to agree with some of whats been said here. You absolutely should expect this woman to keep your secret, the point I made earlier is that the more you tell the greater the chance of it coming out. Should you be disappointed in her, .. absolutely. Would I trust her again with personal information... never...
    But again, its human nature and you had told 95% of your friends.
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    Jun 16, 2008 6:44 PM GMT
    Yeah...allow me to stress I do not condone her actions at all. Perhaps in the end she feels that as your friend she's doing you a favor...but it's not her call to make. Friends have to take measure of what lines to cross and she should know better.

    However...oy I'm my own devil's advocate today...perhaps you should call her to the carpet in addition to venting here! Tell a bitch what's up, or something equally snappy and tart.
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    Jun 16, 2008 8:23 PM GMT
    She has been my friend for 14 years. We are always together. I call us Bonnie and Clyde. When I first came out to her she asked if she could tell her mother. I said NO. I wanted to tell my mother before she told hers.

    I was emailing her this morning and she tried to flip it around. She told me to "Relax, its only her mother". I wanted to strangle her. She has a funny way of apologizing.
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    Jun 16, 2008 8:39 PM GMT
    Caslon4000 said[quote]

    Horsehockey! A person can want to share a part of his life with someone and not the whole world. And a person can expect other people to understand. This babe is out of control. This isn't a forgetful slip; she is shouting across the damn mall, for christ's sake.

    Gymguy1, you have every right to be pissed at her. If I were up there with you, I would even help you hide the body.


    We all wanna believe that no one will repeat something we confide in with someone, and gymguy1 had every right to believe she would uphold his request and respect their friendship, and I do not for one second condone her actions, yet at the same time sharing with 95% of your friends someone is BOUND to talk
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    Jun 16, 2008 8:45 PM GMT
    A secret told is no longer a secret.
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    Jun 16, 2008 8:50 PM GMT
    a1972guy said[quote][cite]Caslon4000 said[/cite][quote]

    We all wanna believe that no one will repeat something we confide in with someone, and gymguy1 had every right to believe she uphold his request and respect their friendship, and I do not for one second condone her actions, yet at the same time sharing with 95% of your friends someone is BOUND to talk



    Out of the friends I told them. Most of them dont live in my hometown. Only about 3 people from my hometown know. Everyone else is college friends. They dont have any ties to the city where i grew up.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 16, 2008 8:59 PM GMT
    You really can't be mad at her...

    Because this is basically all your doing
    Why should someone else be RESPONSIBLE for your secrets?

    Whatever they are...
    Either you don't tell anyone or don't have them
    it's as simple as that
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    Jun 16, 2008 8:59 PM GMT
    How long have you been out to her for? It is reasonable to expect that she should wait to tell people until you are comfortable, but you can't really expect her to sit on this one when for years when she has a big mouth.

    That incident in the parking lot. Either she can't keep a secret at all, or she is giving you a desperately needed nudge out of the closet.
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    Jun 16, 2008 9:14 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidHow long have you been out to her for? It is reasonable to expect that she should wait to tell people until you are comfortable, but you can't really expect her to sit on this one when for years when she has a big mouth.

    That incident in the parking lot. Either she can't keep a secret at all, or she is giving you a desperately needed nudge out of the closet.



    I came out to her in like July of last year.
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    Jun 16, 2008 9:18 PM GMT
    You know if you have a secret, and you only tell one other person. it's a secret no more. You fear telling people for fear of consequences. She may well not have the same fear. You said "her whole family have a big mouth", well so does she.

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    Jun 16, 2008 9:28 PM GMT
    It's a simple issue at this point, albeit painful: Do you want those who haven't heard it yet to hear it from her family or friends, or from you? And, do you value her friendship enough that once the dust settles you'll still want her around? If the answer to the first question is 'from you' then you need to get busy. And if the answer to the 2nd question is 'yes' then you need to take a deep breath and sit down with your friend for a talk, emphasizing the fact that actions like that will preclude your trusting her with any secrets in the future. Now it's her turn to rebuild trust.
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Jun 16, 2008 10:14 PM GMT
    While I agree that it's hurtful that your friend betrayed your confidence, I think one of your most telling responses to the thread so far was the last one I read. You told her almost a *year* ago? How long did you expect her to carry the burden of having to lie whenever the matter might come up? From your first posting it doesn't sound like she volunteered the information out of the blue; there was enough of a discussion about it already taking place that she felt pressured to tell the truth to her own *mother* rather than deceive her for her friend.

    So ask yourself: do you enjoy lying? Does lying make you feel good, or bad? And if you don't enjoy it, then why would your friend? How many other people was she expected to be dishonest with on your behalf? Because in the end each and every one of them might have felt just as disrespected and hurt by her lying to them as you feel by her telling the truth about you. Did you give her a list of 'Everyone Else Who Knows' so that she'd at least know who else was 'safe,' or did you leave her to 'play dumb' even in the presence of other mutual friends who you knew were 'in on it' but who she didn't? The closet doesn't just oppress the person in it; it oppresses everyone asked to knowingly stand guard at the door, even if they love you and want to help you, it asks them to participate in whatever deceptions you practice.

    Granted, it wasn't "her truth" to tell, but you told her and where you might have seen it as 'entrusting' her, she may have felt it was a burden-- especially after carrying it for almost a year, during which you apparently sat on your hands. I know that coming out can be hard, and it can take time, but you put your truth out there to some people and then didn't see it through fully, asking that those who knew comprimise their own integrity to shield you. She was unfair to you, but were you entirely fair to her?

    Then consider: she wants to talk to you. Maybe she has a 'funny way' of apologising, but she's in the unteneble situation of being expected to apologise for hurting you (which she certainly must feel bad for) while also feeling she has a right to defend herself because she was tired of lying (and she has a right to be tired of lying). She wants to talk to you because she still loves you as a friend, and you're pushing your friend away because she hurt you. Will you die from this? Is your life utterly ruined? Because if it isn't-- if you can adapt to the changes of circumstance that may result and move on and someday not be bothered by it-- then you might find yourself someday in an even better place in your life but miss your friend because in a moment that was difficult for both of you, you couldn't forgive her. What's more, essentially her unforgivable crime will have been that she wasn't perfect; that she couldn't indefinitely walk the razor edge between her integrity and your insecurity.

    And finally, even if your anger cuts through all of those other considerations, you can still ask: have you never once in your life hurt a friend? And if you have, have you never been forgiven? Because if you have been, then you know how much peace forgiveness can bring between friends. And if you've never been, then your friend has given you with the opportunity to finally find out. You're being tested, to see what kind of a person you'll be in an adverse situation-- whether you'll reject for life (over a passing hurt) a friend who loves you, or whether you'll show her generosity and a bit of grace that will bring both of you some peace and maybe even happiness. You could even give thanks and be happy for this chance to grow.
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    Jun 16, 2008 10:30 PM GMT
    She knew who not to tell. She has been wanting to tell her mother since the first day I told her. Friends share certain things with each other. I know so many things about her but I know to keep my mouth shut. She said she couldnt stand lying. That is bull shit!!!! She has lied to me many times. I would figure out she was lying and call her out on it. I want to come out on my terms. By telling her mother and probably her cousins. She is making me rush the coming out process. This should have been my decision and she has turned it around and made it hers. And her attitude towards it now doesnt help the matter. I just cant trust her at this point.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Jun 16, 2008 11:07 PM GMT
    from what I read of your profile, you have a boyfriend. Do think everyone was pushing the issue with her because they have never seen you with a woman? Maybe only with this one guy that your falling more and more in love with every day?

    People are not a dumb as we may think they are.

    This could be the thing to take the weight of of those massive shoulders and let you live in the light of your life, in happiness with your BF. No more hiding.

    Think about it.
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    Jun 17, 2008 12:30 AM GMT
    You are thirty and your friend has known for a year. This doesn't get any easier with time, in fact it gets a lot harder. Your family is building up expectations that you will one day have a wife and kids, and those expectations grow daily. Delaying the inevitable only will make it harder.

    Come out already, the water's great.
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    Jun 17, 2008 12:50 AM GMT
    Sorry for your troubles fella.

    A small point, she said everyone was pushing the issue, which means everyone suspected you of being gay.

    She had four options:
    lie ambiguously, "I don't know.";
    lie in the negative, "He's not gay.";
    don't lie and dodge the question, "I can't say anything about it." (which is the same as the next);
    or tell the truth, "Yes, he's gay."

    And don't forget she wasn't talking to some co-workers, this was her core family, whom she likely deeply loves and respects. Lying if very distasteful to some, and lying to parents is impossible for some(though they are rare).

    I can imagine the lividness you must feel, but do remember this issue is not solely her making. You have every right to be pissed, but you shouldn't casually toss her out of your life. I would let her know how this affected you. It's not going to do you one bit of good to stew, you need to communicate your anger to her.

    The main problem I see is that you thought a woman could keep her mouth shut. icon_lol.gif
    I know that's not too chivalrous, but hey, when it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

    Oh, and your twin brother. He doesn't know? If not, you guys do need to talk. When someone as close as a brother finds out from a third party, they immediately jump to 'He didn't tell me. He doesn't trust me.' and that shit can hurt.