trust and jealousy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2007 12:42 AM GMT
    Hey guys, I really need help. My bf and I been together 2 1/2 years. We live 2 hours apart. Ever since we have been together it has been a good relationships, had a few bumps but worked them out. He had a business trip once to Col. and I found where he had sent with his phone (which is on my account) pics (head shots) of himself to 4 different guys. I confronted him he said he was lonely and just wanted someone to hang out with. He supposedly knew them from 5 years ago when he trained there before. We talked it out and I knew I would never know the real truth so I let it go. Throughout the relationship he hasn't had to many friends and complained of not doing much and no one to do it with. (our shedules also conflict, different days off and different shifts) In the last 2-3 weeks he has started bike riding, which is no big deal, he has met new friends supposedly that he knew from before that hes been going out with and when he goes out with them occassionally he doesnt even take his cell phone with him so I can tell him good night and they are hanging out at someones house...? Now tonight he calls and asks if he can go to the local bar to shoot pool and people watch. He says he doesn't want anyone else, he just wants to get out. Ive been in these situations before and they havent turned out good. I am not stupid but at the same time try to believe that he really loves me like he says. The jealousy is killing me that he might meet someone else and leave me after all the hard work, $ and effort and love I have put into this. And on top of all that the sex has really gone down. Im at the end of my rope...do I just trust him or should I really be concerned. I know none of you know him like I do but I am really worried.
    Thanks for any advice.

    Brian
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    Jul 25, 2007 3:57 AM GMT
    This sounds like a tough situation.

    I have a tendency myself to be trusting, but combined with a decrease in physical action I might start asking difficult questions.
    Also, I assume by the local bar that means a gay bar, and not just a general neighborhood dive where he might go to kill some time with other people? I have dated three people long distance. In each case, the guys had fairly stable and well formed social lives, so they had friends to hang out with when we weren't together.

    It sounds like you might need to get more information... I wouldn't freak out just yet, but neither would I totally shrug things off. You have an interest in things too, so you certainly have a right to expect some gestures of sincerity on his part.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2007 5:44 AM GMT
    If he loves you he will come back.
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    Jul 25, 2007 1:17 PM GMT
    Thanks guys, you dont know how much your advice means to me...Im not normally like this but it seems when you mix love and relationships into the equation things get intense. Thanks again for the advice and taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it.
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    Jul 27, 2007 6:53 PM GMT
    Trust is a good thing, but so are expectations. In my opinion, you and your partner need to have a clear understanding regarding what's acceptable and what's not in your relationship.

    If some of his actions bother you, you should communicate that with him. Hanging out with friends without inviting you, sending pictures to guys when he's out of town, not telling you (you had to confront him), etc., would raise red flags with me. Have you ever met any of these friends?

    It may be all innocent, but when it comes to a partner or even a child for that matter, there should always be a clear understanding of what's okay and what's not okay. You shouldn't feel bad about questioning some of his actions. If you really love each other, you should be able to communicate any issues you have.

    Good luck. - Jorel

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2007 7:45 PM GMT
    Do you live on planet Earth?
    Here on Earth, if you can find a sap to pay for everything while you travel and sleep around and send pics.
    You are very lucky.
    I would like to meet you so I can screw you over too.

    Please send me you address.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jul 29, 2007 12:51 PM GMT
    Sorry to be the bearer of bad news...
    but he's cheating on you
    I was ok with it until you said that the sex has gone downhill
    sex is the first casualty when a relationship is in trouble
    I don't know if the distance btw you two has been a factor or what but be aware that you may have to move on
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 29, 2007 2:50 PM GMT
    Agree with King Bee, dont be a door mat. Can you see he is using you.
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    Jul 29, 2007 3:10 PM GMT
    thanks for all the advice guys. Its a really hard call to make because he treats me so good in every other way. Ive never had anyone treat with so much love, respect and consideration, he is a great person as far as that is concerned. He has said that his sex drive has been a problem in past relationships also so thats how he is he says. He always says he'll get better...i dont know what to believe. Why would he see me 2 hours away if he could find someone in his city (much bigger gay population) to be with and not have a long distance relationship? Thanks again for all the advice.
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    Jul 29, 2007 6:11 PM GMT
    Well I can tell you from experience you probably do not know the whole truth and most likely you never will. Just try your best to chill and not be pushy and please do not support his ass financially either. I am a firm believer in love and I currently am in love but it does not mean the other person feels the same way. Alot of people do not even know what love is!
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    Aug 09, 2007 1:38 AM GMT
    Sadly, I've been in your shoes... probably even worse. My ex did the same thing with cell phone pictures (except it was of his penis haha). If you're supposedly in a monogamous relationship, then he shouldn't be doing that stuff. If he is happy in his relationship, then why is he sending pictures of himself to other people? Whether he cheated on you or not, he's not treating you with the respect you deserve. Trust isn't given, it's earned.

    My advice would be to set the boundaries if you haven't already... although it's difficult since you are far apart from each other. Lay down the law and break it off if he pulls that crap again. And stop supporting him financially (I did the same thing too). You are only doing him a disservice by supporting him. It sounds like he might be quite the toxic individual, so I would tread lightly if I were you. Think about it... would you do any of the things that he is doing? Doesn't sound like it! If he love and respects you, voice your opinion. It might turn into a fight, he might break it off, but you need to let him know.

    Best of luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2007 3:28 AM GMT
    Hummm...

    The use of cell phone to contact other men while he was away,

    AND he did not tell you until you found out yourself,

    AND he said these were guys he knew from the past (this is actually worse, trust me, he has been around before and there maybe regulars.)

    Now, the sex is downhills... He is nice to you...

    Well, I have seen this happen to friends, until one day OUT OF THE BLUE, the guy had a "discussion" with his partner and informed him that they should be "friends."

    THEN he found that the guy had someone on the backburner all this time, and only asked to become "friends" after the other man was ready to commit!

    Just becasue someone is pleasant on the surface, while with early signs of deception, unwillingness to come clean until cought, then tried to expalin his way out to accept any real responsibilities, and be truthful and work WITH you... Does not mean he is not doing something really destructive to the relationship behind your back...

    Watch out!
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    Aug 09, 2007 4:10 AM GMT
    Obviously I know the signs of a relationship going bad. The mistrust and and lying so to speak. Even if it was done innocently (right) they say actions speak louder than words...since then a multitude of things have happened and guess what...still no sex cuz he says he is stressed out with problems (understandable) but not for 1 1/2 years almost. He has vowed his undying love to me and shows me in ways he loves me, but I cant take the wondering and not being able to trust because of things he has done to cause the dishonesty. I trust pretty easy but once its broken I cant forget. Tonite we had it out (again) and he hung up. Im not even really upset cuz I feel I am right. I know its over and its sad, but I think its for the best for both of us. Thanks to everyone for their words of advice, you dont know how much it means to me for you all to take the time out to read and reply. It has helped alot. I dont know why it seems guys cant really committ to a relationship? I have and everytime I get crapped on...so burnt out...
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    Aug 09, 2007 4:21 AM GMT
    Many of us have been there ourselves, or witnessed a close friend who went throught the same thing... And it always upsets and hurts more than one can believe...

    If one partner has to bug the other about not having enough sex, that means the sexual feeling is not mutual anymore, and there is going to be some serious talks...

    It is not that ALL guys cannot commit, just you have not met the right match yet... Learn from this, but dont shut yourself out of good things that will come your way.
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    Aug 09, 2007 4:51 AM GMT
    A minority opinion:

    When you live apart, whether it's a 2 hour drive or a 4 hour flight, it means you're going to spend a lot of time alone. And men, almost all men, will be men - we like sex.

    If you put someone in a position where the feel like they HAVE to lie to you- they will. Is it just barely possible that if you two decide mutually to have some variant on an open relationship that you could keep all the good things you already have?

    To do this, you have to make a distinction between sexual fidelty and emotional fidelity. You have to believe that you two are a good match, and that sex outside of the relationship is not a threat.

    By letting him run free, you might bind him to you more than ever before -

    -----------------------------------------------

    And yes, I know I'll probably catch hell from you guys for this one....
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Aug 09, 2007 8:56 AM GMT
    Well Red that seems to be that then.

    I think it's best for you that you let go and move on to a guy that you can trust. If you have trust issues it may be worth trying to find a man nearer home, who you can spend more time with.

    I agree with Joey though, Men are men, and like dogs they need attention or they gonna wander looking for affection in other places. Maybe you were being unrealistic in expecting him to stay home and true (some men are worse than others). You should've maybe talked about opening up the relationship (you'd be surprised how this irritates a guy if he thinks YOU want to go out on the prowl too).

    Find a guy you can trust and mark this relationship up to experience.

    Good luck
    Lozx
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Aug 09, 2007 11:00 AM GMT
    Loz and Joey,

    Why bother to have a relationship if you are not living together, not faithful to each, not even jealous of each other infedelity. May else well they become just fuck buddy, enjoy all the sex with other guys and once in a while with themselves.

    I will understand if they live together and still need to spice up their sex live ,but still sorta build their live together.

    I use to be in this situation , loving a man who live so far away but still declaring love to each other. Untill one day I decided not to kidd myself anymore, accept the reality and move on.

    The way I see it, both of them have long lost any love to each other but just not ready to admitted it. One person is taking advantages of the situation , the other guy doing things just because he feel obligated .

    Just my opinion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2007 11:23 AM GMT
    BigJoey & Laurence:

    The idea of open relationship and various theories of "the nature of men" aside...

    BUT THE GUY IS NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIS PARTNER!

    No matter how good a match, if the BF is having sex with other men and not having sex with his BF, WHY BOTHER?

    IF you are to have "open relationship" that involves sex with anyone else BUT your own bf...., then you are not BF's...
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    Aug 09, 2007 1:12 PM GMT
    It is worth noting that Red refers to the guy as a boyfriend - not a partner. Maybe it's just semantics or the way he uses the word, but if I dated someone for 2 1/2 years and there was no ring (phyically or metaphorically), no committment, no "partnering", I'd be looking around, too.

    NYC - it must be great to go through life with such a sense of certainty. I find that in interpersonal relationships, as with almost everything else, there are grey areas and negotiations away from any ideal.

    My partner means the world to me, and we shall have been together 8 years this coming Christmas. Sometimes the sex is great, sometimes we go through less active periods. From my conversations with professionals in the field who are friends of mine, this is a normal condition. But whether we're fucking like rabbits or simply sleeping together, the intimacy, trust, and companionship is there without question. It is those things that sustain us as a couple - not whether or not we get each other off regularly.

    A fellow in a 35 year relationship whom I have known for 20+ years told me when I first met him that his partner was his love & his best friend, and that is was the two-pronged nature of the relationship that kept it going. As he put it (and I still remember hearing it):

    "There are times when I don't like him very much, but I still love him. And there are times when I don't love him very much, but I still like him."

    There are lessons to be learned here.

    J.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Aug 09, 2007 2:22 PM GMT
    As usual, the issue here is about communication.

    There's a couple possibilities here.

    1) He's lying and can't fess up to wanting out of the relationship

    2) He... actually wants to have friends and go out with them. Like most of us do. Do you actually *know* he's cheating?

    3) He's "dating" you, not in a "Relationship" with you and you haven't talked about what that actually means to the two of you. For a lot of people (both gay and straight) "Dating" only means "seeing each other" not "Exclusively seeing each other while deciding if we want to make it permanent."
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    Aug 09, 2007 11:53 PM GMT
    BigJoey,

    If you read what the thread starter posted.. Hie relationship is very different from yours. They have not been together as long. They do not live together. ANd now thre is increased distance and they spend less time together.

    Furthermore, the earlier example of dishonesty did not bring about a discussion concerning if the relationship should be open or not...

    And if at this state, that the bf, gaining some financial benefits form the bf, and sees him less, and is avoiding sex....

    I really think you are proposing some advice that is not really relevant to the thread starter...

    If you are only together so long, and you failed to discuss the issue of open reltionship when you had the chance, but preferred to give some BS reason to dodge the conversation, then instead of being glad to see your bf who lives far and then rfuse sex with the LITTEL time youhave with eachother..and then the financial support..

    Isnt that alarming?

    What does this relationship show that is worthy ro put more confidence into an open one...?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2007 1:36 AM GMT
    Big Joey:

    " NYC - it must be great to go through life with such a sense of certainty. I find that in interpersonal relationships, as with almost everything else, there are grey areas and negotiations away from any ideal."

    Where did that state that...?

    Or is this your personal interpretation of my words?

    Or just sarcasm, which is uncalled for, as I have never done the same with your personal views or your personal choices of how to live your life...

    I certainly acknowledge that we are all different.

    And you should acknolwedge that as well, not to compare every relationship with that of your own...