Dating basics. Any advice from real people before I (reluctantly) pay cash money for a "Dating for Dummies" book.

  • zi0nx5

    Posts: 27

    Jun 17, 2008 8:20 AM GMT
    I'm a student, and frankly don't have the money to be "wasting" on a Dummies book for dating but it's getting pretty tempting. I'm 22 and haven't been on a date, ever. Haven't been in a mutual relationship, ever. Not even one of those temporary jr. high/high school romances. My closest point was freshman-year of college with the first guy I ever shared bodily fluids with (... ha) who explicitly said he "liked" me, but that was about it. Rest of the story is predictable from there; in summary, it was a f***in train wreck that landed me into therapy.

    I'm now about to be a super senior and am starting to feel it. Yeah, I'm young and not that outgoing, but answers that call for staying single, self-love, and getting involved with community are valid, but I just don't see those as feasible solutions in my book, at least at the time being (I could be wrong). I'm finding that a handful of those suggestions come from people that have had the benefit of experiencing the other side of the coin. I haven't. Period.

    I'm mellow and not confrontational so I don't have the balls to approach people or even look them in the eye if we were to meet glances. I guess trying not to be creepy, is my excuse. I'm soft spoken/a mumbler so that's a personal hurdle, but otherwise I can have a good conversation (based on those I have with good friends) if it gets started. Getting out is hard because in Los Angeles, getting out means spending money and even though I work damn hard for what cash I can earn, it's never enough. And I'm not just talking about going to bars and pubs, just about anything--a damn coffee shop even. Though after reading some threads on here I'm about to knock bars off my list to scout completely.

    I'm not talking about finding hookups, obviously. I've had my fair share and it's getting old, really. Frankly, it's hard to get past/ skip that hookup part so there's even a chance of some deeper relationship developing. And I made a conscious decision yesterday to pretty much stop messing with other existing relationships if I want a genuine one myself (yeah, I'm a horrible person I guess).

    I should shut up at this point and let anyone have at it. Thanks in advance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2008 12:49 PM GMT
    The characteristic of you that jumped out at me as your biggest problem is:

    "I don't have the balls to approach people or even look them in the eye if we were to meet glances. ... I'm soft spoken/a mumbler so that's a personal hurdle, ..."

    Try to picture yourself from the other guy's perseptive. He's walking up to you and greets you, and your response is that you dont look up and you mumble something back. He doesnt know you and he has no "investment" in you yet.

    He doesnt know if you arent looking up or speaking clearly, because of terminal shyness or because you are not interested/attracted in him. In either case, you are presenting him with a hurdle to get over to get to know you. So he must decide (even unconsciously), does he make an investment in time and effort to get to know you and see if there is an attractive fellow on the other side of that lack luster exterior or does he walk away and make his "investment" in someone else. The easier thing to do is walk away.

    And if someone does spend a little time trying to get to know you, be sure to have something OF INTEREST to "show" him. And make of interest TO HIM. Dont just talk about yourself and your problems. The greatest conversationalist is the one who can listen well. Ask about him and show interest in him.

    But you say you get hookups. I would guess those guys aren't even interested in you and your "personality."

    If you cant scrape together and money to go out to a movie once a month or something, then do your research and know what is going on for free, so you can quickly suggest these activities for a date.