Bi confused

  • musclecrowe

    Posts: 3

    Dec 30, 2011 10:15 AM GMT
    So I just entered into my first gay relationship with a guy I truly care about, but I've always had concerns that I couldn't be loyal to only one sex.

    I still find myself attracted to certain women and the only reason why I don't act on those emotions is because I do care about this guy and don't want to upset him because I know he cares about me. He's gone so far as to tell me he loves me.

    My concern is that I would love to pursue my friendship/relationship with this guy to see where it goes, but I still have serious urges to date/hook up with girls I see out at bars and around town.

    When I bring up these feelings to my friend, I feel like he quickly dismisses my emotions as a way for me to avoid coming out as fully gay. However, I do truly find myself sexually attracted to several women and I don't know how to approach him honestly about this.

    I don't want to hurt him, and I would consider him a friend regardless of our sexual relationship. I truly do enjoy his company (regardless of the sex we have, which is great, by the way).

    I'm looking for some advice as to how to explain to him my true desires (sexually as well as what I want in a relationship) without hurting him or ruining our friendship.

    Has anyone come across a similar scenario? If so, how did you handle "breaking the news" to your friend?

    Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks guys.

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    Dec 30, 2011 10:42 AM GMT
    As a matter of fact, I'm in the same situation as you right now. After my last failed hetero relationship early this year and 3 failed same sex relationships afterwards (this year alone aswell.) I had finally found that special someone who's amazing and everything I want in a person and it happens to be a guy. We just haven't take that serious relationship step yet.

    I still have those feelings to go out and hook up with women and not telling him about it because we're not in any commitment. We're just getting to know each other. His attraction for me in strong, but I don't want to risk it.

    For me, it's confusing because I don't want to hurt him or jeopardize any possible future we might have for one night of pleasure with a woman to remember the good old times but also I don't want to loose any opportunity that might come my way.

    I still haven't told him about my bisexuality but he has met two of my previous girlfriends. (He thinks I'm 100% gay now.) The problem with him is he seems to be very judgmental about bisexuals and can't stand women except those he trains., which makes talking about this subject more difficult than I thought.

    The only advise I could give you is talk about it with him let it all out. Whatever happens it will happen. If he has the same strong feelings for you before, he will have them after.

    In my case, I'm hopping that his attraction for me will be more than enough for him to stick around after I break the news to him. That conversation is something that's not gonna happen anytime soon. As I said before, we're still getting to know each other. Our conversations are general and that subject is more personal.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 30, 2011 12:41 PM GMT
    musclecrowe saidSo I just entered into my first gay relationship with a guy I truly care about, but I've always had concerns that I couldn't be loyal to only one sex.

    I still find myself attracted to certain women and the only reason why I don't act on those emotions is because I do care about this guy and don't want to upset him because I know he cares about me. He's gone so far as to tell me he loves me.

    My concern is that I would love to pursue my friendship/relationship with this guy to see where it goes, but I still have serious urges to date/hook up with girls I see out at bars and around town.

    When I bring up these feelings to my friend, I feel like he quickly dismisses my emotions as a way for me to avoid coming out as fully gay. However, I do truly find myself sexually attracted to several women and I don't know how to approach him honestly about this.

    I don't want to hurt him, and I would consider him a friend regardless of our sexual relationship. I truly do enjoy his company (regardless of the sex we have, which is great, by the way).

    I'm looking for some advice as to how to explain to him my true desires (sexually as well as what I want in a relationship) without hurting him or ruining our friendship.

    Has anyone come across a similar scenario? If so, how did you handle "breaking the news" to your friend?

    Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks guys.

    if you are having these feelings than you need to tell him buddy. there is no reason to string this guy. he seems to like you more than you like him. why don't you try being honest and see how it works. i am bi so i know where you are coming from
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    Dec 30, 2011 12:42 PM GMT
    Many bi's seem to be confused. Thank god I'm a poof, end of topic.

    The rewards of the Gay Gold Card.
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    Dec 30, 2011 1:14 PM GMT
    i think it's natural for people to second guess themselves. What am i doing? Is this right for me? I'm annoyed at certain things? Are we just roommates? Now that the dating is over.... Is this it? Then there are the comfort levels... where you have each other, but now you can flirt with others without being focused on them.

    You are questioning your urges and maybe you want it all. Since Alexander the Great there have been guys with wives and mistresses or male mates. Of course everyone has an opinion that you should be either straight or gay and that you should be 100% committed to one person. In other words having a dozen wives or male mates is out of the question....lol.... unreal.

    The thing is we all go through changes throughout our lives if your partner changes with you that's great. It doesn't usually work that way for active guys and you may feel like you would like to go through the breeding. It is great, then what happens later in life.

    You'll have to decide what is good for you.... maybe 3's company. You'll do ok.... there's no crisis in any of this, take your time...rob
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    Dec 30, 2011 1:24 PM GMT
    one big reason if I find someone he has to be gay. I meet a guy who was similar to you and he fucked up my life big time emotionally.. No offense but makeup your mind before you jump in bed.
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    Dec 30, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    graphicb said....... No offense but makeup your mind before you jump in bed.


    This.
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    Dec 30, 2011 1:38 PM GMT
    Honesty is key.

    I hung out with a very cute guy who told me on the first date that he was actually bisexual. I was surprised, but I appreciated that he told me up front. We hung out a couple more times, but it didnt go anywhere due to non-related lack of chemistry reasons.

    My advice is to tell your BFs the truth. Sooner or later it's going to come out anyway... I guess its important though to process the truth and to say, yeah I'm attracted to women too but that doesn't mean I am going to leave you for one. Right now I'm all about you/ committed to getting to know you more .... fill in the blank.

    Don't be in denial trying to push yourself to like someone. So I suppose figure out if you honestly want to go long haul with this person. If your gut tells you yes, then go for it. But don't delude yourself into thinking that you want this guy if you have many doubts about it.

    We all have a fantasy of everything being perfect, never being tempted by another man/woman/men/women. But even in a great relationship, we are guys who still have urges. If you commit to someone you have to DEAL with the urges and make a choice not to act on them. Simple as that...
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    Dec 30, 2011 1:47 PM GMT
    trueblueaussie saidMany bi's seem to be confused. Thank god I'm a poof, end of topic.

    The rewards of the Gay Gold Card.
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    Don't leave homo without it.
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    Dec 30, 2011 1:48 PM GMT
    ZbmwM5 saideven in a great relationship, we are guys who still have urges. If you commit to someone you have to DEAL with the urges and make a choice not to act on them. Simple as that...


    ^^In a nutshell
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    Dec 30, 2011 2:10 PM GMT
    Since visiting the website StraightGuise I have had more understanding, empathy, and compassion for men who have sex with men who also have sex with women. I understand now that just because men have sex with men, they may or may not be gay. "Gay" is a sexual identity. When men have sex with men, that is simply an instance of sexual behavior. Whether a man prefers sex with men, women, or both, is the degree of sexual orientation. "Gender" is the physical sex of the person, be it male, female, or hermaphroditic. Gender identity is the internally "true" mental and emotional sex of the person, be it male, female, or hermaphroditic.

    Thus, a person "Aryn" who is a man could have a gender identity of a man, the gender of a man, prefer and be sexually oriented towards with men, also have sexual behavior with women, and sexually identify as bisexual.

    Another example might be: A person "Brandon" who is a man could have a gender identity of a man, the gender of a man, prefer and be sexually oriented towards with women, also have sexual behavior with men, and sexually identify as bisexual.

    Another example might be: A person "Cade" who is a man could have a gender identity of a woman, the gender of a man, prefer and be sexually oriented towards with women, also have sexual behavior with men, and sexually identify as bisexual.

    Another example might be: A person "Dirk" who is a man could have a gender identity of a woman, the gender of a man, prefer and be sexually oriented towards with women, exclusively have sexual behavior with women, and sexually identify as lesbian.

    In this last example, other people who lack understanding of the differences between the different aspects, might label "Dirk" as "Straight" or "Heterosexual". However, "Dirk", although "heterosexual" (because "Dirk" is outwardly the gender of a man having sex with people who are outwardly women), is not "Straight". "Dirk" self-identifies as a lesbian.

    Also, any of the factors of gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior can change due to circumstance or the passage of time.

    I am sitting here with a deep sense of compassion and empathy for all of the people in this world for whom their gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior do not neatly fit into the "boxes" and "labels" which our societies seem to have cast. Not fitting neatly into the "boxes" and "labels" appears to carry a lack of understanding and the stigma which accompanies the "you're not one of us" judgement.

    I am sad that we as a society have treated our brothers and sisters with such judgement and lack of understanding. I hope that eventually we can all just accept people for who and what they are both physically, and for who and what they are inside.

    To the OP: Have you considered going to a a bisexual support group and/or a therapist who specializes in bisexual issues? Also, would your new boyfriend consider going with you to a support group or therapist so that he can understand that sexual identity, sexual orientation, sexual behavior, gender identity and gender are distinct and separate aspects of a person?

    I wish you the best on your journey to find understanding and love.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    Dec 30, 2011 2:14 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said....and human hearts are fragile things.


    icon_cry.gif Can it be described any more better. What i don't understand is you see a person(I am hoping that not two people are dated at single time) When you look upto him/her and come to a stage when you say"you have started caring", then why don't you stop there caring for that person alone! Why do you keep looking? And I don't understand when someone says "i don't want to miss any forecoming opportunities" when they are already "caring" for someone a lot closer. what do you mean by that??? why can't you be loyal to one heart?

    If this was my bf, then i will gladly leave way to him and let him pass forever! I know world is an Oyster and there are wise gays too. Sometimes people like us who are loyal to one can be too much caring but then when its time to move one we can really dust up and stand tall forelooking for someone a lot more wiser.
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    Dec 30, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    As I'm writing this just now I get a call from an old friend in Jersey who's telling me about his girlfriend starting a lesbian relationship with a neighbor. This bisexuality seems to be spreading. It must be the holiday season.

    Speaking as a gay man who enjoyed 10 years with a bi man. I never would have considered preventing my best bud from living a fullfilled sexual life so we did not have a monogomous relationship. Instead we had to settle with having too much fun.

    We were adventurous in our 20s/30s and so I don't know that I'd want that type of relationship today nor do I know how our relationship would have evolved had he not died too soon. Surviving him gives me the luxury to imagine that we'd have worked it out as my tastes changed but as his orientation would have not. I suspect that means he would have kept actively enjoying women, only I'd have stopped allowing his fish in my bed. It really isn't much different than not enjoying someone eating and leaving crumbs in your bed. Some lightly breaded fish? No thank you.

    I never would have expected his nature to change and loving him as I did (and still, sadly or stupidly, do) for all he was, I'd have encouraged him to be his natural self. But I'm confident in my own being in that regard and did not need sexual monogamy to assure myself his loyalty to me and to our relationship.

    I don't see this necessarily as a matter of bisexuality v monosexuality-- though probably it is stronger as to sexual satisfaction--because even among two gay men, the odds of each guy being fully sexually satisfied with one person, without either compromising each other seems slim, given how varied are our tastes about what turns us on. Though even if sacrificing with regard to any sexual act, at least we still get to remain within our orientation sexually, gay on gay.

    It might not be the bisexuality which is confusing, rather that monogamy requires disorienting yourself.

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  • musclecrowe

    Posts: 3

    Dec 30, 2011 4:37 PM GMT
    Thanks, fellas. I think the true issue (as some of you have pointed out) is that I'm probably not ready for a monogamous relationship. I think my bisexual tendencies (or whatever you want to call them) will be an issue in any relationship I have in the future regardless of whether it's with a man or a woman.

    I appreciate your insights
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    Dec 30, 2011 4:49 PM GMT
    I would visit the website shybiguys.com! It is a great resource for men who are torn to wanting sexual relationships with both sexes. I have been a member there for awhile and it is enlightning and have made some great connections!
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    Dec 30, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    I think you've got to be true to yourself and your feelings and honest with the guy you're seeing. Also realize that being attracted to other people you see while you're dating is inevitable.

    Being that you're bi you may see guys or girls out in public that you find attractive; it doesn't necessarily mean you still have feelings for women you need to workout or want a different guy. Wandering eyes are part of life, but controlling them is the key.
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    Dec 30, 2011 6:28 PM GMT
    Take care dude. Best Wishes.
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    Dec 30, 2011 6:34 PM GMT
    musclecrowe saidThanks, fellas. I think the true issue (as some of you have pointed out) is that I'm probably not ready for a monogamous relationship. I think my bisexual tendencies (or whatever you want to call them) will be an issue in any relationship I have in the future regardless of whether it's with a man or a woman.


    A presumption in that phraseology could be read: that monogamy is some higher ideal which requires your preparation.

    It is not. Monogamy is not an orientation. It is not biological. It is not a higher morale. It is nothing more than an inclination. Some are inclined towards monogamy while others are not, both for their various justifiable or inappropriate reasons. One way of experiencing a relationship is not superior to the other as long as both parties to the relationship mostly enjoy what they have without being too frustrated about what they don't.

    Your orientation is the direction in which you are hardwired, Your tendencies are variations in your orientation. You can probably alter a tendency but how can you alter an orientation?. If we are talking true bisexuality, then, for me, imagining a bisexual having sex with only one of the sexes would be like imagining a strictly gay or strictly str8 person as going through life without any sex at all.
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    Dec 30, 2011 6:41 PM GMT
    Stay away from guys that say they are bi or say they are straight but still love to suck cock and take it up the ass!!!! There are way too many issues going on with them to have a viable, healthy relationship.
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    Dec 30, 2011 11:07 PM GMT
    ^Absurd. Way to generalize, there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 1:37 AM GMT
    Sigh. I wish I were bi.
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    Dec 31, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidSigh. I wish I were bi.


    No you don't lol

    As a bi man I've been told that I should be fully gay because I seem more interested in a guy relationship.
    Its kinda unfair because I do get attracted to a woman but I have very select type of woman I am attracted to.

    You should just talk to your boyfriend about it. Communication is the key for better relationship and trust.

    Remember having physical attraction is one thing, but if you're in a relationship and you act on those attraction, its called cheating.
  • rf_dal

    Posts: 380

    Dec 31, 2011 2:33 AM GMT
    Giving bi monogamous guys a bad name, awesome