Having an OKCupid profile while in a relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 30, 2011 1:00 PM GMT
    I've been reading the forums here for a couple of months, and finally decided to join. I'll fill in my profile over the weekend, but I want to get peoples 2¢ on something kinda soon.

    I'm having dinner with a good friend tonight. We have a "history." We met a couple of years ago. We were attracted to each other, but we both were in relationships at the time, so we never acted on it. We became very close, though, and made out pretty intensely once after a few drinks (we stopped before it got too far, and later talked, admitted the feelings, but also established that neither one of us wanted to cheat on our respective boyfriends).

    I broke up with my ex in 2010, but he was still with his. He broke up with his in February, but by then, I was seeing someone else. Things with that guy fizzled out, but by then... my friend had started seeing someone else! I hate this.

    Anyway, the thing is... He has been dating this guy now since September. I created a profile on OKCupid a couple of months ago, and saw that his boyfriend still has a profile there. Granted, it says he's "seeing someone," but he still logs on at least once a week, sometimes more. My friend used to have a profile there, but he deleted it when he started dating this guy. I doubt he knows that the guy still checks his all the time. Oh, and you know that "light" OKCupid puts on your profile (Red: replies very selectively, Yellow: replies selectively, Green: Replies frequently)? Well, the guy has a green light!

    What to make of this? And most importantly? Should I say anything to my friend? Full disclosure: I am fully interested in pursuing a relationship with my friend. And I know the chemistry and attraction is still mutual. He has acknowledged it.
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    Dec 30, 2011 5:22 PM GMT
    That's a good point. It certainly could backfire if I say anything.

    But, yeah, OKCupid is definitely not a social site like RJ or Facebook. It is very much a dating site. Not a hook-up site... it's not Manhunt... But if you're there, you're looking to date. I don't know, but to me, being in a relationship and maintaining a profile there is even worse than maintaining one on Manhunt, or whatever.

    Am I being naive for seeing his boyfriend being active there as a "good sign" (for me)?
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    Dec 30, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    I see what you're saying.

    As I mentioned, we were both in long-term relationships when we met. I had been with my ex for six years and he with his for five. The attraction/tension was strong from the beginning. We talked about it, and decided neither one of us wanted to just end our previous relationship for the sake of something that could be just "a spark." And neither one of us wanted to cheat. Yet we continued to grow closer emotionally. We've never had sex, and we've only made out that one time, but this has just made the connection grow.

    How much our friendship influenced our respective breakups is hard to say, but we have joked--as recently as last week as how awful our timing has been. This guy, well, he never talks about him. He talks about "the relationship" being good, and the guy being "nice," but... We have used the word "love" to each other before... Blah... I don't know... In some ways it's stupid. We haven't crossed physical lines, but we have crossed all kinds of emotional ones.

    At this point I've decided to just wait it out for him. One of us has to. We can't continue this cycle of one not being available when the other one is. Neither one of us likes to cheat, and neither one of us wants to just use people--that is why we haven't just dumped whomever we've been dating the minute the other one is single.

    I know I need to just let his relationship with this dude run its course, but part of me wants to accelerate it... ahhaha... and, of course, part of me worries that, well, this other dude might win out.

    The OKCupid just... I don't know... gave me hope... Considering the nature of the site.