Two Guys

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    Jul 25, 2007 3:39 AM GMT
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    Jul 25, 2007 5:51 AM GMT
    Well, if you really "know the right thing to do" is to choose one of them, then you just have to do it. Literature is rife with examples of exactly that dilemma. Maybe you can take some solace there.

    Personally, I'm not convinced that "two by two" is the only option. But you have to choose what will actually make both you and your partner(s) happy.

  • a303guy

    Posts: 832

    Jul 25, 2007 6:10 AM GMT
    I'm thinking that you need to cut the ties with both of these guys, and step back for a little bit to give yourself some time to really think about what either of them bring to your 'relationship table'.

    Without doing that, i beleive that you will find yourself in a ping-pong situation, where you find yourself, or your heart, bouncing back and forth, much as you are now, between the two of them, and never giving yourself enough distance to really evaluate your situation.
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    Jul 25, 2007 7:07 AM GMT
    If you chase two rabbits you will lose them both.

    If it were me in any situation, you would have lost me. You have made a bad first impression with the new guy by cheating on the man you are with. Your current boyfriend should have broken up with you by now, or you should have ended the relationship. You do not sound happy, and it doesn't sound new. You use the word love very loosely, but I guarantee you there is something deeper than what you have been feeling towards both of these boys.

    If I were in your situation, I would chose the new guy. Just one day, it may not happen soon, but one day, your cheating on your boyfriend to be with him will hang over your relationship with him. You breeched trust that cannot be given back.

    While that may not be the answer you want, think of it like this. You are a cool guy, you are young, and there are more (tons) guys that you will want to be with, and many more will want to be with you than these two. Failure is always the best way to learn, and you have the opportunity now to learn what many people in general never do. The right thing to do is to trust yourself, and treat others (especially your boyfriends) the way you would like to be treated.
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    Jul 25, 2007 7:48 AM GMT
    wow. your an asshole.
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    Jul 25, 2007 9:36 AM GMT
    Real life is messy sometimes - just because there's some shit, it doesn't make you an asshole.

    It sounds like you know what you want and you're just not ready to make the clean cut... take this as an opportunity.
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    Jul 25, 2007 12:12 PM GMT
    Sounds to me that the biggest thing here is that you're new to relationships and you've been swept up in the passion of things and thought with your lower head instead of the one on your shoulders. You realized that you've screwed up, and now you have to make it right. Time to be honest with both of them. Be honest with the first guy that you think the relationship is over (if that's what you think) and be honest with the second that you think you went to far too fast. Whether you stay with either will come out of these conversations.

    I can relate to this somewhat, as I never dated as a teenager, so I never got to practice these skills (and they are skills). Chock this up to experience and learn from it. Thinking about how you'd like to be treated is always a good guide to being with others.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jul 25, 2007 12:32 PM GMT
    Oh dear you have got yourself in a pickle.

    Some great advice from some of the posters here and not too positive name calling from Owl.

    You're not an asshole - but you have behaved badly in this situation. Though I feel this is more from lack of experience than anything.

    I agree mainly with a303. You would be best chalking this difficult situation up to experience and dumping both guys. The first guy wasn't right for you, and the second would probably have trust issues at a later date. Besides he may only seem appealing in comparison to the first guy and you might start to notice problems later. Better to start afresh I feel.

    But, hey, don't beat yourself up too much over this. Situations like this happen to lots of people and you will learn from it and it will make your future relationships better.

    Take care Loz
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 25, 2007 2:14 PM GMT

    That was not called for.


    I think the guys have giving good advice here, apart from owl975. I think you have made a good start in fixing this problem, by admitting that you missed up. If I was one of those guys I think I would be gone. If you love them then your lucky they are still around. The fact that you are not out and have no one to talk to can be very lonely. I really don't know how to help, but I know what it is like not to be out and no one to talk to. If you want to talk you can mail or im me. I always answer my mails.

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    Jul 25, 2007 3:43 PM GMT
    Contrary to what OWL typed, you are not.

    OWL in the future, please endeavor to make sure your remarks carry some modicum, not only of tact, but relevance. Really - shame on you, that sort of attitude really only paints a picture of you equal to your remark.

    Now, BMAndrews - my suggestion - and take it as you will, is to take some time to think about your first boyfriend, trying to remember why it was that you fell in love w/ him in the first place. If any of those reasons are still recognizable these 2 years down the road, that may help you to make a decision. Do the same thing for this new man. It may very well be that you decide to take some time for yourself, which wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm sure you don't want to hurt anyone, or be hurt, but just because we don't mean to hurt others, doesn't me that we don't.

    Lastly, apologizing for mistakes is NEVER a bad thing to do.

    Best Wishes,
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    Jul 25, 2007 3:47 PM GMT
    Hypothetical situation...

    Let's say you break up with your current boyfriend and go for the guy you have been talking to for a while...realize that you were his jumpoff (aka hookup) for the night...he's already had the candy so whats there to keep him? He also knows that you are susceptible to cheating.

    On the other hand you have the man who you dont click with and sounds like you should have broken up with a long time ago. If I were him I would have dumped you for the obvious reason of cheating. If I were you, I would have left him before it happend because it was bound to. Why stay in an a situation that you say "turns you off"? For the sake of having someone to "love"? You can love friends ya know...

    Point is at this junction you need to cut your loses and realize that yeah you are an asshole and yeah you fucked up....BUT....YOU ALSO LEARN FROM THIS SITUATION AND DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

    My advice to you - this guy was your first boyfriend who you met online, chances are you have not met a lot of other gay people - maybe you have, I don't know I am not you...however this is a time for learning and exploration for you. Time to find out what your true preferences are - and maybe who you really are too.

    Basically you need time to grow and mature.

    This post was probably 'TLDNR' but hopefully it gave you another perspective. I am sorry for you and the situation you put yourself in but look on the bright side...the only way to go is forward. Oh and if my advice sounds like someone elses, sorry, some of the posts were 'TLDNR' for me...

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    Jul 25, 2007 4:20 PM GMT
    The good news is that neither one of them dumped you! You must be a pretty good guy.

    It's unreal to think that the only ethical method of moving from one relationship to another is by dumping the first before moving on to the second. Sometimes it takes the attention from the second to make you see the problems with the first and become motivated enough to move on - this is especially true for guys who are good at keeping relationships going, but have trouble ending them. Love makes you blind.

    Sounds like both of these guys are pressuring you to commit. Relationships don't jump straight to commitment and if you didn't establish commitment with #1 during the two years you were with him, is it really fair to assume it? It's your call based on your history with him.

    It doesn't sound like #1 makes you happy enough that you want to be committed to him, and #2 you've been dating for a month, way to soon to commit.

    My advice, let #1 know you are now dating because the relationship is iffy. If he doesn't want to see you anymore intimately - maybe you can settle into friendship. But don't let him force you to get rid of #2 - loose him if he goes that route. Let #2 know you are excited about your budding relationship and wish to continue dating, if things go well, you will talk to him about committment later.

    Don't offer too much of yourself too soon. It makes it difficult to get out if things go badly.

    The advice to back off both of them isn't bad, don't do it in such a way that it kills both of possibilities, do it so you have a way back to each of them. Plus, if you drop one or both, the impact will be less after a month off.

    Good Luck.
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    Jul 25, 2007 5:10 PM GMT
    hmmm. yeah.... I think im gunna stick to my original post.
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    Jul 25, 2007 5:13 PM GMT
    that's a shame. It would appear that despite your discipline and self-control w/ regard your body - the same restraint isn't applied to your thoughts and more importantly actions/words.
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    Jul 25, 2007 5:14 PM GMT
    Some good advice here. I'll just add what my mother once told me. Sometimes you have two good people who aren't good for each other. Sounds like that's you and your current BF. As for the other guy, I think he represents a lot of pent up needs and wants and not necessarily an ideal guy to be in a relationship with. Like lots of others here, I think a break from committed relationships is a good idea. Try dating instead of LTRing (did I just make up a verb?).
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    Jul 25, 2007 5:36 PM GMT
    Owl, I'm afraid I'm going to have to wash your mouth out with soap and send you back to charm school.
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    Jul 25, 2007 6:37 PM GMT
    Does charm school come with a wand or is that extra?

    And yes, real life is messy, very messy, and the choices and our actions are not always pleasant.
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    Jul 25, 2007 6:44 PM GMT
    Question for the original poster:

    Are you saying both of your men know about each other AND are choosing to stay with you??? If so and you feel bad about it, then it's a matter of you working out whatever the issue is with yourself; if not, yeah you need to make a choice on one or the other. The fact that you so easily fell into a "relationship" with Man2 while with Man1 AND in the closet, I'd say you have some self work to do before you're ready to be with anyone.

    2 Cents, gent.
  • trebor965

    Posts: 200

    Jul 25, 2007 6:58 PM GMT
    ouch! messy messy messy! i am with owl on this one.
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    Jul 25, 2007 7:22 PM GMT
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    Jul 25, 2007 8:02 PM GMT
    Wow... First of all - I kind of agree with Owl.... To put yourself in that kind of situation is unfair and disrespectful to your "boyfriend". I feel that if you really cared for and loved your boyfriend to begin with, you would not have allowed your 5 year friendship with your "online buddy" to evolve into an "online relationship" (because thats what it was/is).

    Furthermore, that act of "hooking up" was a lack of self control by both you and your online friend. If he respected you as a friend, he should not have allowed the situation to progress to where it did (assuming he knew about your boyfriend.... which, after 5 years of online chatting, I think its a good assumption).

    Now - for the constructive part of this reply....

    Try not to confuse lust with love. The idea of a new relationship can be exciting for people... Think about how you felt while on dates, in general... they are fun, exciting, etc... as dating evolves into a relationship, some of that luster fades away... but the feelings of attraction toward each other are what keep the individuals together... So maybe you are just excited being with someone new, but still have stronger feelings with your boyfriend...

    Also... if this friend of 5 years was willing to be a part of a relationship ending hookup, he might do the same to you in the long run... think about it...

    There is A LOT more I can write... but not "knowing" the parties involved I can't really offer any individualized advice... Do what you FEEL is right... you are the only one who knows... and respect yourself and loved ones in the future... keep it in your pants...

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    Jul 25, 2007 8:33 PM GMT
    personally, i think you should break it off with both of them.

    it sounds like you aren't ready for a relationship, and if this forum is your only support system as you suggested -- then you're in trouble. :)

    really, get some friends who accept you for who you are, gain enough personal strength to be true to yourself, and then meet someone who you can actually fall in love with... right now i'm not sure you know what love is...
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    Jul 25, 2007 8:36 PM GMT
    Honestly I think that this is a typical case that happens with many closeteers that I know. Personally Men in the closet seem to be good for one thing and one thing only, sex so if you want to have a serious relationship with any man or an open relationship you need to come out of the closet. You are not only hurting yourself in there but two other most likely naive men as well. I may be young but i have been in several sticky situations but i along with the help of my adorable female friends was able to work things out in the end because i had people who were close to me to speak with. Do you at least have a "faghag" Those girls really do come in handy. This advice is coming from a guy who had 5 past girlfriends 3 that cheated and 3 boyfriends 2 whom i never had sex with and the last that i made wait a month before he could fuck me. I am still with my current and yes i am quite flirtacious. But I know that i can look but don't touch and you need to come out to atr kleast one close friend so that you don't need to ask complete strangers this kind of advice.
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    Jul 25, 2007 9:08 PM GMT
    It is really not fair to either guy. You should settle up with your boyfriend and break up with him if things are that bad.

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    Jul 25, 2007 9:09 PM GMT
    you really want to go over all this - here?!