And on this NYE, I'm contemplating a break up. :(

  • SwimBIkeRun94...

    Posts: 480

    Dec 31, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    Been with my bf for about 3.5 years now.

    He is one of the greatest people I know, and I love him dearly.

    There are two problems: we have a 5 year age gap, so our relationship has progressed to a "big brother/little brother" one (no, not that way icon_razz.gif), and I don't feel we're bf/bf any longer.

    On top of that, I have lost all sex appeal. We have not had sex in a year, and I don't want it (from him). It pains me to say this because it's mean (towards him), but I'd rather use my right hand.

    I have not cheated, and I won't. I'd consider an open relationship, but I'm not sure about him.

    We have spent the past 4 NYEs together, and I'm just not sure we'll make 5, and I'm kind of sad about that.

    Fully aware of the fact I can dick no matter what, but getting a meaningful relationship is much harder.

    Sigh, relationships...
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 31, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    if the sex was still mind blowing awesome with him; would you still consider breaking up for the other reasons you mentioned?
  • UStriathlete

    Posts: 320

    Dec 31, 2011 4:06 PM GMT
    you know SBR94

    this says a lot about you....asking a forum a relationship question that you should be talking to your bf about.

    relationships are about communication!!!!! obviously you just didn't start feeling this way. stop being passive aggressive (look it up) and be a mature adult and USE YOUR WORDS.

    you also seem pretty shallow, thinking a 5 yr age difference is an issue... Jesus H!!!

    your bf is better off with you... anyone who waits this long to break up and and thinks 5yr is BIG age gap... has HUGE issues.

    I can tell you one thing for sure... YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP with the way you think and behave...Grow the F up!!

    Happy New Year icon_biggrin.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Dec 31, 2011 4:30 PM GMT
    UStriathlete saidyou know SBR94

    this says a lot about you....asking a forum a relationship question that you should be talking to your bf about.

    relationships are about communication!!!!! obviously you just didn't start feeling this way. stop being passive aggressive (look it up) and be a mature adult and USE YOUR WORDS.

    you also seem pretty shallow, thinking a 5 yr age difference is an issue... Jesus H!!!

    your bf is better off with you... anyone who waits this long to break up and and thinks 5yr is BIG age gap... has HUGE issues.

    I can tell you one thing for sure... YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP with the way you think and behave...Grow the F up!!

    Happy New Year icon_biggrin.gif



    ^^^^^ THIS ^^^^ But I think you meant that his boyfriend is better off WITHOUT him.
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    Dec 31, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    You're only 32. Five years was a big deal in high school, but it means very little as you get older.

    I think similar values, chemistry and sexual compatibility are the basics to develop romantically and commit to a relationship. But TRUST and COMMUNICATION and FLEXIBILITY are needed to sustain things over the rough spots that will always happen.

    You have two ears and a mouth. Use them.
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    Dec 31, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend should dump you.
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    Dec 31, 2011 4:40 PM GMT
    UStriathlete said
    [A bunch of judgmental things without offering any useful advice]

    @SwimBIkeRun, People are going to judge you no matter what you do. You said "He is one of the greatest people I know, and I love him dearly." I'm sure this is the case, and that this is something you've been trying to grapple with on your own for some time. Asking for advice here is something for which you should not have to apologize. That's what these forums are for.

    I don't think 5 years is too big an age gap, but describing your relationship as having become more filial than romantic is probably correct. It happens--you are not the first, and there is nothing wrong with either one of you. The bad news is that, if you haven't had sex in a year, and you'd rather masturbate than do it with him, then I can tell you now that this won't be fixed. You'll never get it back, even if you stick around and try to "work on it." You'll just end up wasting a couple more years, and it might end ugly, with one of you cheating. The good news is that if you break up now, you'll probably still be able to keep the friendship.

    My advice is to cut your losses now, and end it soon. It will be what's best for both of you--though you will be "the bad guy" for a while, being the one to make the decision.

    That said, there is no rush to do it today, on New Year's Eve. Enjoy a last NYE together, and don't ruin your evening with the pain that the breakup will cause you both.
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    Dec 31, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    19c79 said, "That said, there is no rush to do it today, on New Year's Eve. Enjoy a last NYE together, and don't ruin your evening with the pain that the breakup will cause you both."


    This is a very good point, future New Years Eves could very well gain a reminiscent sadness.

    To the OP, do you know, or have you explored why your sexual attraction disappeared?

    -Doug
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    Dec 31, 2011 5:02 PM GMT
    wow - sounds like you answered yourself

    out with the old and in with the new (life that is) NYE is appropriate timing
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    Dec 31, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    A few questions for your perusal, since I've been through a similar situation a few years ago.

    1) You mentioned having no sex for a year. What would your BF say if you brought this up as a concern? Is he happy with the 'no sex' situation?

    2) You mentioned the big brother feeling between you both. Is it because after a few years, you have both reached a malaise and run out of surprises?

    3) It sounds like you are both great guys, and you've said very complimentary things about your BF. Is there some way for you to just go on as a couple, but for you to be "excused" for having trysts on the side when needed?

    4) Would you rather not do the trysts now and then, and would you really rather break up with this great guy - just because the sex as subsided?

    5) One more............... what if you both sat down with a good glass of wine and really had a nice chat about all of this? Would would he want to do? What do you really want to happen? Do you want to pump some life back into this relationship, or are you (at 32) feeling like making a change and seeing what else (who else) is on the horizon for you?
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    Dec 31, 2011 5:11 PM GMT
    We're making an assumption that you two have not talked openly about these things. You say you love him dearly, so you owe him, and yourself, a frank heart-to-heart. Don't concentrate on just the negative when you talk though. You will likely break-up but you don't want to lose the good with it. He may or may not be thinking this is coming, so give him some room to react without feeling you need to respond in kind. 3.5 years is a good chunk of both of your lives. When you leave, don't leave that behind. Good luck man.
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    Dec 31, 2011 5:19 PM GMT
    SwimBIkeRun949 saidFully aware of the fact I can dick no matter what, but getting a meaningful relationship is much harder.

    Yes, sometimes you have to work to create a lasting relationship yourself, it won't always walk in your door with a rainbow ribbon tied around it.

    You may both be good candidates for gay relationship counseling. You can find them in LA. A 5-year gap is nothing at your age, sounds more like a rationalization to me for other issues. And while the calendar can't be fixed, those personal disconnects could well be.

    Seems if you've got this much invested in each other, and there's no animosity or cheating involved, you should make a good faith effort at repairing things.
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    Dec 31, 2011 5:22 PM GMT
    Agreed, do him a favor so he can find a better dude.
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    Dec 31, 2011 5:23 PM GMT
    meninlove said 19c79 said, "That said, there is no rush to do it today, on New Year's Eve. Enjoy a last NYE together, and don't ruin your evening with the pain that the breakup will cause you both."


    This is a very good point, future New Years Eves could very well gain a reminiscent sadness.

    To the OP, do you know, or have you explored why your sexual attraction disappeared?

    -Doug


    Doug (as usual) makes good and constructive point here.

    My additional thought is this: when something like attraction wanes, the cause is typically either a physical change where you don't like the way he looks anymore - whether it's gain or loss of weight regardless of whether or not those gains or losses are muscle or fat in him, or you feel different about yourself in relation to him due to a change in your life. The other aspect is life changes in one or both of your lives that, while indirect, can have profound effects on a relationship. Also, there are many opportunities for behavioral changes that often happen well into the 30's (they don't suddenly stop at 18 though there are cases were they do stop at 16.) These are often from environmental influences like work and social interactions. As when goals change, regardless of whether it's financial, educational, cultural or social.

    Lastly, have you ever been in a relationship longer than this in the past. Relationships grow and change with time due to age, life events and the world itself changing.

    I agree that you should wait until after New Years to consider this, but before that even, have you really thought about why this change has happened and have you discussed it with him openly and honestly.

    I am not recommending that you stay in the relationship or end it. I do recommend that you don't unilaterally end it without discussing why, because you'll end up repeating this behavior in another relationship.
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    Dec 31, 2011 7:00 PM GMT
    I'm assuming that you feel like the "little brother" in this relationship?

    The first red flag is that you haven't had sex in a year. No, sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. (Blasphemy! Burn me at the stake immediately!) However, I think the lack of physical attraction points to a deeper problem. If I had to guess, I'd say it's the way he makes you feel mentally that is spilling over into the physical side of things. If I assume correctly that you are the "little brother," then I'd guess that you resent the way he treats you, and this decreases his physical appeal. Be warned. Resentfulness can often turn into hate, and you don't want that.

    I see three possibilities for you. First, you can let the relationship continue the way it is. Obviously, this is a bad choice, but many people do this. The problem just gets worse. Hateful feelings develop, someones cheats, or whatever else. Second, you can break up. There may be no way to avoid this scenario, but how and when you break up is important because it will determine whether you can remain friends. Finally, you can confront the issue head on. This is the hardest option. Something is clearly wrong, but it isn't going to fix itself. You're going to have to sit down with your boyfriend and talk things out. If you have problems with the way the both of you act in your relationship, you're going to have to tell him, even if it means risking his walking away.
  • SwimBIkeRun94...

    Posts: 480

    Dec 31, 2011 9:27 PM GMT
    There is a lot of good advice here, thanks.

    He and I have talked about our relationship problems over the years. We somehow end up at a resolution that gets us to our next "talk." It's been about five months since the most recent talk, so we're due.

    I feel like the "big brother" as I'm older and "more together" -- although he is hardly a slouch.

    This has been, by far, the longest relationship I've ever had.

    I want it to work as I enjoy our conversations and we're compatible in so many ways. Just for me, in the bedroom, the physical attraction is not there (and I hate myself for having to say that, but I'm just being honest).

  • UStriathlete

    Posts: 320

    Dec 31, 2011 10:00 PM GMT
    SwimBIkeRun949 saidThere is a lot of good advice here, thanks.

    He and I have talked about our relationship problems over the years. We somehow end up at a resolution that gets us to our next "talk." It's been about five months since the most recent talk, so we're due.

    I feel like the "big brother" as I'm older and "more together" -- although he is hardly a slouch.

    This has been, by far, the longest relationship I've ever had.

    I want it to work as I enjoy our conversations and we're compatible in so many ways. Just for me, in the bedroom, the physical attraction is not there (and I hate myself for having to say that, but I'm just being honest).



    obvious 'our' talks are not working clearly.... how about some professional therapy for 6 months...??? that's called work, not random talks every 5 months.

    'This has been, by far, the longest relationship I've ever had.' you need therapy dude... intimacy issues... you would rather make excuses than deal with the core issue .... being YOU and just run away... coward.... just being honest icon_smile.gif

    and from both your posts... i wouldn't say you are the 'more together' one at all... but ego sure thinks you are icon_smile.gif Just being honest icon_smile.gif

    God i feel sorry for bf... you are a real tool

    a good self help book is by Joe Kort www.joekort.com

    Look at yourself not your bf... you have issue.... you could stand to have a reality check... work on yourself
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Dec 31, 2011 10:15 PM GMT
    If you're not happy or fulfilled, there's no harm in saying it. However, I'd urge you to take a long look at the issues with him that you have and ask yourself if you think they are specific to him or men in general. No sense in throwing the baby out with the bathwater if the relationship can be salvaged. It sounds like you're conflicted and need answers to certain questions you don't feel he can (due to the nature of the relationship's dynamic); but you really need to have the uncomfortable talk with him to see what can be changed or if either of you care to change anything. At least you've respected him enough not to sneak off and cheaticon_wink.gif
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    Dec 31, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    Does no one ever seek relationship counseling??? Its extraordinarily helpful.
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    Dec 31, 2011 10:54 PM GMT
    wow...
    I don't normally chime in on these kinds of threads but to the OP: you're kind of a jerkoff. You want to break up with him because you want to have sex with other men - is that the underlying message you're trying to get across here?

    Do your boyfriend a favour and tell him you want to open up the relationship - I'm sure he'll dump you.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 31, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    SwimBIkeRun949 saidThere is a lot of good advice here, thanks.

    He and I have talked about our relationship problems over the years. We somehow end up at a resolution that gets us to our next "talk." It's been about five months since the most recent talk, so we're due.

    I feel like the "big brother" as I'm older and "more together" -- although he is hardly a slouch.

    This has been, by far, the longest relationship I've ever had.

    I want it to work as I enjoy our conversations and we're compatible in so many ways. Just for me, in the bedroom, the physical attraction is not there (and I hate myself for having to say that, but I'm just being honest).

    dude, there is nothing wrong with you feeling the way that you do. why don't you just tell him after new years
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    As I always say from a third person point of view, if you don't want the relationship, then don't string him along and just end it already. How you do that is up to you and will suck because you know it's coming, but just do it. You will safe yourself far less grief the sooner you do it.
    The truth will set you free in my opinion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2012 1:26 AM GMT
    It totally sucks to get dumped on a holiday. Don't do it. That's something he'll associate with the holiday for years to come. Plus it'll make you look like a dick. At least wait until a few days later.
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    Jan 01, 2012 4:51 AM GMT
    At one point you must have thought this guy was amazing..or else you would never have dated him !...What are his good qualities??..Do you really wan't to start the first few hours of 2012 in a break up???..You two need to sit and hash this out !..Tossing 3.5 yrs would not be an easy thing for me !..but that's just me!.."big brother/little brother"..Hmm.??.Talk it out. And the way you talked about this guy was just a little condescending !! You have not cheated on this guy despite your disgust...Awesome !!..Talk it out .before you make your final descison !!..This guy has no clue what's on your mind..!!..Hugs..Alvin
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2012 5:30 AM GMT

    "I want it to work as I enjoy our conversations and we're compatible in so many ways. Just for me, in the bedroom, the physical attraction is not there (and I hate myself for having to say that, but I'm just being honest)."

    Of course you are (being honest), it's evident. icon_wink.gif
    The physical attraction is not there, but I feel you could take some time to try and figure out why. Bill and I went through valleys like this once upon a time (it's been 22 years) and communicated our distress over it to each other. Waxing poetic; a door opened, sometimes a window. Always after handling it together (oh some will have fun with that one) the feelings we expressed and acknowledged with each other brought back a sweet intensity, equal to the grief we went through in worrying about the loss (temporary) of sex drive that ended up triggering a whole pile of romantic/sexual desire, different and intriguing, lustful and powerfully emotive at the same time, there being a greater emphasis on emotion carrying sexual attraction than sexual attraction carrying emotion. Over the years we find that it teeters nicely back and forth, sometimes romance is sexually driven, sometimes emotionally. Best of all, often both.

    I hope (and yes Doug has had 2 New Year's beer), I didn't get 'too way out there', lol!