Boyfriend telling me 2 weeks later that he didn't enjoy his birthday...WTF???

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 6:32 PM GMT
    Okay, My NYE has already started off like crap and I'm finding out stuff that I didn't know about earlier.

    So for one, my BF of 4 months birthday was like 4 days before Christmas. I asked him the week before, "what would be your ideal birthday, what would make it absolutely special for you?" Since he's in his mid-40s now, he loathed 'getting older' and told me, "I never celebrate my birthday" flat out.

    Now, the day before I inquired about his usual off days Wednesdays and Thursdays. Thursday was his birthday. He says, "Working today, but hopefully will get tomorrow (his birthday) off".

    Now, based on the above responses, who would be going out of their way to do something very special on their birthday? I didn't know what to expect. So, the day of his birthday I bought over a couple of gifts he liked and wished him Happy Birthday the moment I walked in. We had dinner at his place and went to the movies.

    Now, he's going on that I showed up after 8 pm and that he thought his birthday would be more focused on him. Saying we had to rush thru the dinner. Then he says he didn't take off Christmas because he couldn't justify doing so after his birthday was so bad???

    I was like...I TRIED to make your birthday special and you showed very little interest in doing so! You hardly communicate with me outside of when we're together and this is why 2 months ago I asked you, "please communicate with me more!" How the hell am I supposed to know what you want if you don't tell me?

    So now I'm here feeling like crap because he didn't enjoy his birthday and I'm just finding this out now. I told him I was ready and willing to spend the whole day with him and go out of my way. It's like all this time I've been trying to get him to communicate with me, asking him why he doesn't initiate calls and dates, and then on his birthday he wonders why I didn't do more for him. Because he never expressed any desire to do anything.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 6:33 PM GMT
    I didnt read this thread. I dont have to.

    I have this crazy idea that will solve your problems. Instead of talking to your boyfriend like an adult how about you go on some forum online and ask a bunch of strangers what to do. Im sure thats gonna fix the problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 6:53 PM GMT
    You have to apologize say...."But since we've only been dating 4 months and I want to know you better - can we make this an opportunity for me to learn more about you?"

    "So, my love, please describe to me the birthday that you wanted. And then darling, tell me what I did wrong, and what I got right. Did you like the gifts I got for you?"

    Just let him get it all out. It sounds like he just needs to vent, and wants you to understand him better. No need to feel bad about anything. You just don't know him well enough. No crime in that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 8:44 PM GMT
    if he won't open up about things... meh... yeah you need to bring it out... the dude above has a good strategy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 8:48 PM GMT
    You would probably be better off dating someone closer to your age.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    Did you "put out" on his birthday?

    If not, you better get ready to make up for it on NYE. Start with a high colonic.

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    Dec 31, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    i think like you need to like tell him to go fuck himself like...and then go join The Society Banning The Use Of The Word Like When It Means Fuck All
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    Dec 31, 2011 9:10 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like the guy has been in long term bad relationships before and he is falling into the same old pattern. This sort of thing shouldn't happen until you've been together so long you are sick of each other. He needs to join the relationship too.
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    Dec 31, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    JustThisOnce said
    Chainers saidI didnt read this thread. I dont have to.

    I have this crazy idea that will solve your problems. Instead of talking to your boyfriend like an adult how about you go on some forum online and ask a bunch of strangers what to do. Im sure thats gonna fix the problem.


    He is just asking for some advice so take a chill pill


    Bitch no one asked you or cares what you think. Seriously, you are one of the most worthless members of realjock and truth be told RealJock is better off without your egotistical, brain dead threads that you start and hold on to because you have nothing left in your life.

    Please, jump off a bridge and save us all the trouble.
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Dec 31, 2011 9:17 PM GMT
    Your post sounds like you're wanting confirmation that you did your best and that you're boyfriend is being moody at best about this situation. And you know what, I agree with you! He said he didn't want anything for his birthday, you tried to do something nice but not over the top, this wasn't a surprise party this was dinner and a movie and gifts. If he wanted something more he should have said it.

    But also keep in mind, people are sensitive about birthdays. Personally, I tend to hate holidays that involve gift giving. I almost never like my presents and then I feel like an ungrateful asshole, especially now that I'm in a tight spot financially.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 31, 2011 9:28 PM GMT
    TallJock saidOkay, My NYE has already started off like crap and I'm finding out stuff that I didn't know about earlier.

    So for one, my BF of 4 months birthday was like 4 days before Christmas. I asked him the week before, "what would be your ideal birthday, what would make it absolutely special for you?" Since he's in his mid-40s now, he loathed 'getting older' and told me, "I never celebrate my birthday" flat out.

    Now, the day before I inquired about his usual off days Wednesdays and Thursdays. Thursday was his birthday. He says, "Working today, but hopefully will get tomorrow (his birthday) off".

    Now, based on the above responses, who would be going out of their way to do something very special on their birthday? I didn't know what to expect. So, the day of his birthday I bought over a couple of gifts he liked and wished him Happy Birthday the moment I walked in. We had dinner at his place and went to the movies.

    Now, he's going on that I showed up after 8 pm and that he thought his birthday would be more focused on him. Saying we had to rush thru the dinner. Then he says he didn't take off Christmas because he couldn't justify doing so after his birthday was so bad???

    I was like...I TRIED to make your birthday special and you showed very little interest in doing so! You hardly communicate with me outside of when we're together and this is why 2 months ago I asked you, "please communicate with me more!" How the hell am I supposed to know what you want if you don't tell me?

    So now I'm here feeling like crap because he didn't enjoy his birthday and I'm just finding this out now. I told him I was ready and willing to spend the whole day with him and go out of my way. It's like all this time I've been trying to get him to communicate with me, asking him why he doesn't initiate calls and dates, and then on his birthday he wonders why I didn't do more for him. Because he never expressed any desire to do anything.

    Ahh bro, i would dump his ass. I think you are in for a world of headaches. I am sure that is the easy thing to do but if he is being this pissy already than imagine what he will be like later on. Dude, run tell him its you and not him. Tell him you do not think this is going to work
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    i think your BF is a little too focused on himself..and missing the fact that you did what you could..lacking any idea of how much he wanted done for his Birthday..the fact that he has a decent boyfriend who at least thought of him..should be a gift in itself..personally..i would love just to spend part of my birthday with a guy i love..that would mean more to me than any material object ever could...a guy to hug,kiss and hold would be all the gift i could EVER want...
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Dec 31, 2011 9:36 PM GMT
    Personally, I tend to hate holidays that involve gift giving. I almost never like my presents and then I feel like an ungrateful asshole, especially now that I'm in a tight spot financially. (Quote)

    I second that emotion. Gift giving is not fun, it could be, but it isn't for me. I don't have the kind of experience that would make it fun. I know what some of those things are, but I think that ship has already sailed. Yes your boyfriend is moody and his complaint is unwarranted given the effort you went to to get information. Clearly you communicated better than he did in that situation. In my family, my parents would always fight around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. So I had no role models for how to enjoy them. Older boyfriend has probably had some type of negative experience around his birthdays that he needs to work through. Not your responsibility. However, the poster who recommended listening and learning has a good idea because partners often play an important role in healing each other's past wounds.

    It is important in assessing the quality of the relationship to be aware of how much your partner attends to your needs as well as how he attends to his own. In this instance, he didn't attend well to his own needs; did he blame you for the dissatisfaction or own it as his problem? When it is time for your birthday, how does he attend to your wishes and desires? None of us is perfect around these things, but reciprocity would be something I would value around this. Only you know how you feel with him. This could be a blind spot for him, something you can see that he can't. If it is not pervasive, it can be accepted as a flaw that doesn't characterize the whole relationship. However, if it is a generalized pattern that he holds you responsible for his well-being and enjoyment of life, then it becomes a serious problem which may harm the relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 10:37 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like your dude is cynical and a tad bit manipulative. He sent you mixed messages about his birthday then bitched about Christmas.

    I tell ya. you just can't please some people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 10:43 PM GMT
    Ever notice kids at Christmas-time? Unwrapping zillions of presents and then being disappointing when there are no more to open? Usually having some kind of a tantrum at some point because they've been too indulged or something?


    Thinking there may be parallels with your story here.
  • Sk8Tex

    Posts: 738

    Dec 31, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    Not trying to be rude or anything but the whole tone of the OP sounds like this boyfriend is a bit immature & selfish.

    Did anyone else still care about birthdays after 30? ...
  • DesireIron

    Posts: 426

    Dec 31, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    He's your bf of 4 months. I would chalk this up as a learning experience about him. He isnt going to communicate stuff about what he wants. I would say, he doesnt like to ask for anything for him. Now you know that, you know to make the fuss about him even tho he doesnt say he wants it...cuz he wants it. And dont bother asking him again, he isnt going to tell you. Just do something special. ... icon_wink.gif

    I would approach him tonight. Apologize and tell him that you have learned something about him and you will carry it forward into your relationship. Then kiss him!

    funny pictures of cats with captions
  • DesireIron

    Posts: 426

    Dec 31, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    Sk8Tex saidNot trying to be rude or anything but the whole tone of the OP sounds like this boyfriend is a bit immature & selfish.

    Did anyone else still care about birthdays after 30? ...

    My next birthday is always of immense interest to me. ... icon_wink.gif
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Dec 31, 2011 11:30 PM GMT
    TallJock saidOkay, My NYE has already started off like crap and I'm finding out stuff that I didn't know about earlier.

    So for one, my BF of 4 months birthday was like 4 days before Christmas. I asked him the week before, "what would be your ideal birthday, what would make it absolutely special for you?" Since he's in his mid-40s now, he loathed 'getting older' and told me, "I never celebrate my birthday" flat out.

    Now, the day before I inquired about his usual off days Wednesdays and Thursdays. Thursday was his birthday. He says, "Working today, but hopefully will get tomorrow (his birthday) off".

    Now, based on the above responses, who would be going out of their way to do something very special on their birthday? I didn't know what to expect. So, the day of his birthday I bought over a couple of gifts he liked and wished him Happy Birthday the moment I walked in. We had dinner at his place and went to the movies.

    Now, he's going on that I showed up after 8 pm and that he thought his birthday would be more focused on him. Saying we had to rush thru the dinner. Then he says he didn't take off Christmas because he couldn't justify doing so after his birthday was so bad???

    I was like...I TRIED to make your birthday special and you showed very little interest in doing so! You hardly communicate with me outside of when we're together and this is why 2 months ago I asked you, "please communicate with me more!" How the hell am I supposed to know what you want if you don't tell me?

    So now I'm here feeling like crap because he didn't enjoy his birthday and I'm just finding this out now. I told him I was ready and willing to spend the whole day with him and go out of my way. It's like all this time I've been trying to get him to communicate with me, asking him why he doesn't initiate calls and dates, and then on his birthday he wonders why I didn't do more for him. Because he never expressed any desire to do anything.



    I'm in the same boat. I've been seeing this guy for close to a year and when I told him I made plans for his birthday and he was all for it, the day of, he told me to cancel everything. I should have broken up with him then. But now it's NYE and I think that I'm spending it alone, since all of the plans that he told me about, didn't include me. Can't do it anymore.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 11:36 PM GMT
    Well, I feel like an episode of Jersey Shore today!


    He texted me at 7:30 am and we just got done at 4:30 this afternoon! I even called him at one point and he didn't pick up. It was just a very time-consuming conversation. I ended up not meeting my friend at the gym because of it.,

    Basically he's spilling out everything that I annoy him with. Mostly that I take 3 hours to show up after I text him to meet on his off days. but I've mentioned in the past on this forum, he never asks me out! I have to wonder all day about him until I get nervous and text him if he wants to meet. Then I systematically get prepared to come over and spend the night, since not once in 4 months has he ever came and visited my place.

    He told me his idea of a great birthday would be over a nice dinner and sex afterwards. But then he admits, "I should have told you that." I told him I would done whatever I could have afforded to and was ready for such.

    But no, every time I mentioned his birthday (because he never did), all he ever spoke about was "I'm getting older, I'm 45, i never celebrate my birthday, don't remind me I'm turning 50 soone". That's all I heard. Nothing about what he wanted to do.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 31, 2011 11:41 PM GMT
    drakutis said
    TallJock saidOkay, My NYE has already started off like crap and I'm finding out stuff that I didn't know about earlier.

    So for one, my BF of 4 months birthday was like 4 days before Christmas. I asked him the week before, "what would be your ideal birthday, what would make it absolutely special for you?" Since he's in his mid-40s now, he loathed 'getting older' and told me, "I never celebrate my birthday" flat out.

    Now, the day before I inquired about his usual off days Wednesdays and Thursdays. Thursday was his birthday. He says, "Working today, but hopefully will get tomorrow (his birthday) off".

    Now, based on the above responses, who would be going out of their way to do something very special on their birthday? I didn't know what to expect. So, the day of his birthday I bought over a couple of gifts he liked and wished him Happy Birthday the moment I walked in. We had dinner at his place and went to the movies.

    Now, he's going on that I showed up after 8 pm and that he thought his birthday would be more focused on him. Saying we had to rush thru the dinner. Then he says he didn't take off Christmas because he couldn't justify doing so after his birthday was so bad???

    I was like...I TRIED to make your birthday special and you showed very little interest in doing so! You hardly communicate with me outside of when we're together and this is why 2 months ago I asked you, "please communicate with me more!" How the hell am I supposed to know what you want if you don't tell me?

    So now I'm here feeling like crap because he didn't enjoy his birthday and I'm just finding this out now. I told him I was ready and willing to spend the whole day with him and go out of my way. It's like all this time I've been trying to get him to communicate with me, asking him why he doesn't initiate calls and dates, and then on his birthday he wonders why I didn't do more for him. Because he never expressed any desire to do anything.



    I'm in the same boat. I've been seeing this guy for close to a year and when I told him I made plans for his birthday and he was all for it, the day of, he told me to cancel everything. I should have broken up with him then. But now it's NYE and I think that I'm spending it alone, since all of the plans that he told me about, didn't include me. Can't do it anymore.
    Wow,, what a douche. I hope you are dumping his ass
  • DesireIron

    Posts: 426

    Dec 31, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    TallJock saidWell, I feel like an episode of Jersey Shore today!


    He texted me at 7:30 am and we just got done at 4:30 this afternoon! I even called him at one point and he didn't pick up. It was just a very time-consuming conversation. I ended up not meeting my friend at the gym because of it.,

    Basically he's spilling out everything that I annoy him with. Mostly that I take 3 hours to show up after I text him to meet on his off days. but I've mentioned in the past on this forum, he never asks me out! I have to wonder all day about him until I get nervous and text him if he wants to meet. Then I systematically get prepared to come over and spend the night, since not once in 4 months has he ever came and visited my place.

    He told me his idea of a great birthday would be over a nice dinner and sex afterwards. But then he admits, "I should have told you that." I told him I would done whatever I could have afforded to and was ready for such.

    But no, all I heard from the time he mentioned his birthday til the day of his birthday was, "I'm getting older, I'm 45, i never celebrate my birthday, don't remind me I'm turning 50 soone". That's all I heard. Nothing about what he wanted to do.

    Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing ... He's just in the Storming phase of your relationship development. Ya gotta see if he will settle into the Norming phase after he gets this out of his system.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 31, 2011 11:44 PM GMT
    TallJock saidWell, I feel like an episode of Jersey Shore today!


    He texted me at 7:30 am and we just got done at 4:30 this afternoon! I even called him at one point and he didn't pick up. It was just a very time-consuming conversation. I ended up not meeting my friend at the gym because of it.,

    Basically he's spilling out everything that I annoy him with. Mostly that I take 3 hours to show up after I text him to meet on his off days. but I've mentioned in the past on this forum, he never asks me out! I have to wonder all day about him until I get nervous and text him if he wants to meet. Then I systematically get prepared to come over and spend the night, since not once in 4 months has he ever came and visited my place.

    He told me his idea of a great birthday would be over a nice dinner and sex afterwards. But then he admits, "I should have told you that." I told him I would done whatever I could have afforded to and was ready for such.

    But no, every time I mentioned his birthday (because he never did), all he ever spoke about was "I'm getting older, I'm 45, i never celebrate my birthday, don't remind me I'm turning 50 soone". That's all I heard. Nothing about what he wanted to do.
    DUMP HIS TIRED ASS!!!!COLORED TEXT GOES HERE
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2011 11:53 PM GMT
    DesireIron said
    Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing ... He's just in the Storming phase of your relationship development. Ya gotta see if he will settle into the Norming phase after he gets this out of his system.


    I hope so. I just don't know why he waited 2 weeks to tell this to me. That's why I also told him, "This is exactly why I been asking you to communicate with me when we're not together".

    Now all the shit hits the fan and he's been holding inside all this time and I had to pry it out of him cause I knew something wasn't right.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Dec 31, 2011 11:59 PM GMT
    You may have already covered this with him, but it seems you need to talk about your own unmet and perhaps unverbalized expectations too: your concerns around his not taking initiative to plan outings together, his not spending time at your place, you not knowing if he wants you to come over to his place or not, etc.