Unorthodox relationship models... could they work better for us?

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    Jan 02, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    I read a novel recently about the rekindled friendship between a bisexual guy and his straight best friend from college. They had stopped speaking after the protagonist came out, not because the straight friend couldn't handle it, but because the bi guy felt like he couldn't have a healthy relationship while still dealing with the strong feelings he had towards his friend.

    Upon reuniting they discovered that both of them had experienced hurt and confusion in the wake of their "breakup", and had dealt with their subsequent relationships through the filter of their experience with one another. The straight guy even expressed the wish that he DID have sexual feelings for his friend, because everything else about their relationship was ideal.

    As the book closed, they seemed to be settling into an agreement that they were each other's "the one" ... just without sex. Each would pursue dating etc. but their main emotional needs would come from their friendship. The bi guy did end up with a boyfriend (whom his friend encouraged him to pursue).

    I wonder if - in real life - something like this would work. Many of us seem to express tension between the desire for stability and the variety of the sexual hunt. Do you think you could have a platonic but committed "bromance" to meet your emotional needs while casually dating others to satisfy your sex drive? I suspect jealousy would still rear its head ... if one of the "dates" started getting more serious, would that person feel like they were "the other woman" or always second fiddle? Or would one of the guys in the partnership worry about getting replaced?

    I dunno just curious what people think.
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    Jan 02, 2012 4:20 PM GMT


    "As the book closed, they seemed to be settling into an agreement that they were each other's "the one" ... just without sex. Each would pursue dating etc. but their main emotional needs would come from their friendship. The bi guy did end up with a boyfriend (whom his friend encouraged him to pursue). "


    This sounds to me like a friend with benefits arrangement until something better (combination of both sex and emotional love) came along, which is fine, if it works for the people involved.

    -Doug

    PS Bill and I are not wired that, never have been, but the concepts are interesting.
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    Jan 02, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "As the book closed, they seemed to be settling into an agreement that they were each other's "the one" ... just without sex. Each would pursue dating etc. but their main emotional needs would come from their friendship. The bi guy did end up with a boyfriend (whom his friend encouraged him to pursue). "


    This sounds to me like a friend with benefits arrangement until something better (combination of both sex and emotional love) came along, which is fine, if it works for the people involved.

    -Doug

    PS Bill and I are not wired that, never have been, but the concepts are interesting.


    Agreed if you are "the marrying kind" this is not likely to be for you, but many guys on here have talked about either: a.) relationship is going well emotionally but sexually stale or b.) enjoy sexual variety but feel isolated. It seems like most of the problems in relationships center around physical infidelity or the fear thereof, so if you got along well with someone and sex was not part of the equation, could that satisfy the need for a stable "home life", confidant, etc., while still allowing the "thrill of the hunt".

    I was mainly intrigued by the idea of a guy who is predisposed towards women but could express that kind of attachment towards another guy. Of course, it is fiction, but I wonder if people have these arrangements or fall into them without labeling it as such.
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    Jan 02, 2012 4:48 PM GMT


    "I was mainly intrigued by the idea of a guy who is predisposed towards women but could express that kind of attachment towards another guy. Of course, it is fiction, but I wonder if people have these arrangements or fall into them without labeling it as such."


    Oh absolutely. In my many single years I met people in all kinds of relationships, many of them quite happy. lol, by the time I met Bill I was considerably wider of eye.

    DH Lawrence wrote about something like this in Women In Love.


    Good topic!

    -Doug
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jan 02, 2012 5:20 PM GMT
    ever heard of "open relationship"......
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    Jan 02, 2012 5:22 PM GMT
    mybud saidever heard of "open relationship"......


    Of course, but that is sexual. The guys in this story were not sexual together.
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    Jan 02, 2012 5:36 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidSo it's a very deep bromance essentially?


    Yea, I would say so. The guys in the book were pretty damn intimate, talking about everything and being physically playful. They were sharing a house (but not a bed) at the end while the bi guy's boyfriend lived there part-time.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 02, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    It happens. Not often.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jan 02, 2012 5:48 PM GMT
    njmeanwhile said
    mybud saidever heard of "open relationship"......


    Of course, but that is sexual. The guys in this story were not sexual together.
    Sorry man...Didn't get it all.....Yes...I do feel this type of platonic relationship would be healthy for some gays who often times jump into relationships because they lack or crave male companionship...I'm lucky to have str8 buds I can do activities with...I love them like brothers and vicea versa...BUD
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    Jan 02, 2012 7:03 PM GMT
    njmeanwhile said
    meninlove said

    "As the book closed, they seemed to be settling into an agreement that they were each other's "the one" ... just without sex. Each would pursue dating etc. but their main emotional needs would come from their friendship. The bi guy did end up with a boyfriend (whom his friend encouraged him to pursue). "


    This sounds to me like a friend with benefits arrangement until something better (combination of both sex and emotional love) came along, which is fine, if it works for the people involved.

    -Doug

    PS Bill and I are not wired that, never have been, but the concepts are interesting.


    Agreed if you are "the marrying kind" this is not likely to be for you, but many guys on here have talked about either: a.) relationship is going well emotionally but sexually stale or b.) enjoy sexual variety but feel isolated. It seems like most of the problems in relationships center around physical infidelity or the fear thereof, so if you got along well with someone and sex was not part of the equation, could that satisfy the need for a stable "home life", confidant, etc., while still allowing the "thrill of the hunt".

    I was mainly intrigued by the idea of a guy who is predisposed towards women but could express that kind of attachment towards another guy. Of course, it is fiction, but I wonder if people have these arrangements or fall into them without labeling it as such.


    Just because sexual attraction is unrequited, doesn't mean it is not part of the equation. Rather, the guy who has the attraction for the guy who does not could tend to give the object of his desire the upper hand in various aspects of a platonic relationship.
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    Jan 02, 2012 7:27 PM GMT
    njmeanwhile saidI read a novel recently about the rekindled friendship between a bisexual guy and his straight best friend from college. They had stopped speaking after the protagonist came out, not because the straight friend couldn't handle it, but because the bi guy felt like he couldn't have a healthy relationship while still dealing with the strong feelings he had towards his friend.

    Upon reuniting they discovered that both of them had experienced hurt and confusion in the wake of their "breakup", and had dealt with their subsequent relationships through the filter of their experience with one another. The straight guy even expressed the wish that he DID have sexual feelings for his friend, because everything else about their relationship was ideal.

    As the book closed, they seemed to be settling into an agreement that they were each other's "the one" ... just without sex. Each would pursue dating etc. but their main emotional needs would come from their friendship. The bi guy did end up with a boyfriend (whom his friend encouraged him to pursue).

    I wonder if - in real life - something like this would work. Many of us seem to express tension between the desire for stability and the variety of the sexual hunt. Do you think you could have a platonic but committed "bromance" to meet your emotional needs while casually dating others to satisfy your sex drive? I suspect jealousy would still rear its head ... if one of the "dates" started getting more serious, would that person feel like they were "the other woman" or always second fiddle? Or would one of the guys in the partnership worry about getting replaced?

    I dunno just curious what people think.


    it's fiction! read some of the realtionship threads here and you'll get a pretty good idea of the what's what.

    i would have to admit that someone should collect all these relationship threads and turn em into a book. oh the drama!
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Jan 02, 2012 8:35 PM GMT
    That's always been my MO. Have a super close straight best friends who fulfills my need for companionship and emotional intimacy, then get the sex on the side without the hassle of a relationship. It works great until they get a girlfriend who then becomes the center of their universe.
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    Jan 02, 2012 9:01 PM GMT
    Yes, of course it's possible. Just like you don't have to choose between loving your Mom or your Dad, loving one person doesn't/shouldn't cancel out the love you feel for the people you already love. But since people tend to treat their "lovers" like commodities, relationships like this are rarer than they would otherwise be.
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    Jan 02, 2012 9:15 PM GMT
    Please. Stop.
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jan 02, 2012 10:15 PM GMT
    mybud saidever heard of "open relationship"......


    AKA Gay Greed... I want a boyfriend, but I want to still bang the singles like a single guy would, too. Gimme gimme gimme... icon_rolleyes.gif
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Jan 02, 2012 10:18 PM GMT
    Well I don't think we should consider as a "we" first off. Secondly, if we use fiction to determine best true life relationships, I hope nobody is reading and inspired by Pinocchio!
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    Jan 02, 2012 10:25 PM GMT
    dannyboy1101 saidWell I don't think we should consider as a "we" first off. Secondly, if we use fiction to determine best true life relationships, I hope nobody is reading and inspired by Pinocchio!


    I wasn't suggesting it was an "all-or-nothing" solution for the whole population. I just thought it was an interesting idea given some of the problems guys have described on here.

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    Jan 02, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    I definitely would not mind a Golden Girls-type of living arrangement should I have little luck in finding a long-term partner.
  • ineedausernam...

    Posts: 118

    Jan 03, 2012 7:47 AM GMT
    What's the title of the novel?
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    Jan 03, 2012 2:58 PM GMT
    dannyboy1101 said Secondly, if we use fiction to determine best true life relationships, I hope nobody is reading and inspired by Pinocchio!


    I think fiction is often the medium used to describe various kinds of relationships.
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    Jan 03, 2012 3:11 PM GMT
    ineedausername saidWhat's the title of the novel?


    It's called The Cranberry Hush by Ben Monopoli. It's only $3 as a Nook or Kindle book.