My Dad doesn't believe I'm gay?...:/

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    Jan 03, 2012 7:28 PM GMT
    When I was 15, I came out to my parents...mum cried, dad shouted and got angry, he called me a pervert, said I was going to become a prostitute, and that I should quit my job (I helped out at a children's club, and he believed that because I'm gay, I would touch-up the children there).

    I later found out that my dad didn't believe I was gay, I pushed him on this matter repeatedly, so much so that I knew that he wasn't convincing himself that I'm not gay, but that he genuinely believed it. I even stuck up topless pics of Brad Pitt on my bedroom walls to prove my point! Haha! But...he still didn't believe it.

    My dad isn't like this most of the time (calling me a pervert...etc), it's just he's normal with me most of the time, yet every time my sexuality comes up, he gets angsty, and we always end up arguing.

    What can I do? How can I convince him that I'm gay?...and most importantly, how can I make him accept the fact that I'm gay?
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    Jan 03, 2012 7:34 PM GMT
    ...
  • DesireIron

    Posts: 426

    Jan 03, 2012 8:20 PM GMT
    Point out gay sport figures, etc, when it isn't too intrusive. Like, "he's gay." then dad will start getting other images of what gay is.
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    Jan 03, 2012 8:31 PM GMT
    DesireIron saidPoint out gay sport figures, etc, when it isn't too intrusive. Like, "he's gay." then dad will start getting other images of what gay is.


    This.
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    Jan 03, 2012 8:33 PM GMT
    deeley1 saidWhen I was 15, I came out to my parents...mum cried, dad shouted and got angry, he called me a pervert, said I was going to become a prostitute, and that I should quit my job (I helped out at a children's club, and he believed that because I'm gay, I would touch-up the children there).

    I later found out that my dad didn't believe I was gay, I pushed him on this matter repeatedly, so much so that I knew that he wasn't convincing himself that I'm not gay, but that he genuinely believed it. I even stuck up topless pics of Brad Pitt on my bedroom walls to prove my point! Haha! But...he still didn't believe it.

    My dad isn't like this most of the time (calling me a pervert...etc), it's just he's normal with me most of the time, yet every time my sexuality comes up, he gets angsty, and we always end up arguing.

    What can I do? How can I convince him that I'm gay?...and most importantly, how can I make him accept the fact that I'm gay?
    Bring some dude over.. pull his trousers down and suck him off in front of pops! OR bend over and have the other lad have a go at your bum!

    See how easy that is?
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    Jan 03, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    A lot of fathers have a script in their head for who they want their son to be. I think mothers do this for daughters as well (hence you get bridezilla). Maybe it involves playing a sport he played (maybe better than he did) or accomplishing some other thing. It seems like even if they say "I want you to be happy" what they mean is "I want you to be my definition of happy". Men in general are fed such a heavy diet of what it means to be a man, that when anything happens that challenges their understanding or damage that fantasy, it's very upsetting for them. And -- unfortunately -- because a lot of men are taught not to express emotion (other than anger, which is manly, dammit!), when it comes out, it comes out badly.

    I am sure your father still loves you, and I wonder if this is true in his case. Does he talk about your plans (sports, college, career, family) and have a strong opinion about them? More so before you came out? If so it is going to take time for him to adjust to the idea that what is going to make you happy may not match what he had in mind. And -- if what I said above is true -- it is likely that he also has a clear idea in his head of what a homosexual man is, also based on some pretty narrow stereotypes. I think the best thing you can do is present him with daily evidence of a thriving, well-adjusted young man, with plans and goals, who happens to be attracted to other young men. Ultimately if he really does love you he will need to accept the person you really are instead of the storybook version he created. As others stated, pointing out examples of masculine and successful men who happen to like other dudes may help him get the idea.
  • cbrett

    Posts: 609

    Jan 03, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    Now that you have told him your gay, just go live your life, its sound like he loves you, cares for you, you had some time to figure out your gay, now let your Dad come to terms with you being gay too.
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    Jan 03, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    I would just suggest not pushing it onto your father. It will only make him more resentful. My Dad use to think it was a phase- its how he's dealt with it, eventually he came round-I'm sure yours will too!
  • Borski1992

    Posts: 153

    Jan 03, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    Just try not to worry about it. You said normally it isn't like that and you get along till your sexuality is brought up? Then just leave it. I'm not saying go back into hiding. That would be dumb. Do what you have been doing and just live life. When you see someone he thinks is cool that is gay, do what the others have said, point them out as being gay. He will either become cooler with it, or stop liking certain people. After a while he will run out of people to think are cool.

    Regardless, you don't worry about it. Live your life and be happy.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jan 03, 2012 10:47 PM GMT
    You have done your duty, you came out. You don't need to be in his face about it. What is going on are his own issues, he will probably come around over time. Unfortunately it will be on his schedule, not yours. You don't have to bring it up again as long as he is not trying to get you to date girls or something ridiculous like that. You could point out any well adjusted role models like sports figures if you like.

    The next step might be to introduce him to a bf if someone arises that fits the bill.

    It's your life, not his to live as you see fit. The more you live your life without hiding, the easier it will be for them to accept you.
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    Jan 03, 2012 10:51 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidThen just let it go perhaps? Sounds like he is not believing it because he simply doesn't want to accept it.

    I think that may be it. Denying something in the hope it'll go away. My own parents, who recognized my gayness even before I did, wanted to believe it was just a "phase" that time would cure. The OP is only 19; perhaps his father thinks, or hopes, that the final verdict still isn't in.
  • Springer70

    Posts: 65

    Jan 03, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    You say "he's normal with me most of the time, yet every time my sexuality comes up, he gets angsty, and we always end up arguing."

    So. Leave it alone. Why do you need to force your sexuality on your father? I'll bet he might get angsty if you were straight talking about your sexuality. Don't you get angsty thinking about your parents having sex (like the rest of the world)?

    So, drop it. Leave it alone. Be thankful and grateful that you have a parent that's not beating the living crap out of you for being gay. It sounds like he's a great guy, who just might not want to think about his son having sex.
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    Jan 03, 2012 11:00 PM GMT
    just let it go and live your life.... you've told him, i don't see a need to "convince him"...
  • flahotstuff

    Posts: 154

    Jan 03, 2012 11:03 PM GMT
    Be a good role model....keep your nose clean and get a nice boyfriend and dont be afraid to show him off!!
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    Jan 03, 2012 11:10 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidThen just let it go perhaps? Sounds like he is not believing it because he simply doesn't want to accept it.

    This.

    Denial is a very powerful thing, pushing on the topic will only get you more resistance and denial on your dad's part. Don't pay attention to it. It's his problem that he doesn't want to accept it, not your problem.
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    Jan 03, 2012 11:15 PM GMT
    flahotstuff saidBe a good role model....keep your nose clean and get a nice boyfriend and dont be afraid to show him off!!


    haha...I hope I get a good boyfriend! icon_biggrin.gifD
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    Jan 03, 2012 11:20 PM GMT
    You told him when you were 15 and now you are 19. If he hasn't come to terms with it in 4 yrs does not sound like there is much you can do. Live your life, stand your ground, and don't play into his delusion. Continue being the gay man that you are. He will have to face reality some day.
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    Jan 03, 2012 11:23 PM GMT
    Have him read your threads. IMO, you're the queerest guy on RJ.
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    Jan 03, 2012 11:27 PM GMT
    murano saidHave him read your threads. IMO, you're the queerest guy on RJ.


    I shall take that as a compliment... icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 04, 2012 12:14 AM GMT
    This is one where maybe parents of other gay teens might be able to give you better advice than we can. Check out Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays and any of the organizations listed here .

    In the meanwhile, just focus on having a good father-son relationship with him on every other level. And tell him that some of us think he's raised a good young man.
  • shutoman

    Posts: 505

    Jan 04, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    My Dad was similar. I first told my parents when I was 12 and they were concerned but relatively relaxed. After my mum died, however, my Dad tries to pretend, in effect, that it hadn't happened until years later he finally gave up mentioning it.

    I'm afraid there isn't much you can do against that sort of denial. If he won't be told he won't be told. Concentrate on getting good grades and getting a scholarship to a good university/graduate school a long way away.

    Steve
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    Jan 04, 2012 12:24 AM GMT
    Why do you have to convince him? You've made your point, now let him deal with it in his own time. Stop pushing it or you just may push him away. He's in denial of your reality.
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    Jan 04, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    I think it has a lot to the modern thought that the dad is responsible for how the son turns out..just typical stereotyping I suppose icon_confused.gif
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    Jan 04, 2012 3:28 AM GMT
    He'll come to accept it in his own time. Just keep in mind that it may take him twice as long as it took you to accept that you are gay. Just relax and live your gay life!
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    Jan 04, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    *hugs* icon_cry.gif

    Savage does a great job here... watch it especially towards the middle.