Alright...quickie little blurb and then I'll be doing my rosary and the other prayers, and maybe go to bed afterwards.
It is 2004, I am 14ish...maybe 15, I dunno. Anywho, I attended a private school, and it was 8th Grade, that last grade before going into the wilderness of High School, where there would be varying degree's of social classes, and the world of Porn and Masturbation would come into play.
Anywho, so it was 8th Grade, and the big deal about being in 8th Grade was Confirmation. Confirmation in Roman Catholicism, is basically "confirming" that yes, this is my faith. This is who I will be for the rest of my life. A Catholic. Now, as an 8th Grader, I didn't know the first thing about Confirmation. I knew it was one of the big Sacraments, but I had no idea exactly what it entailed. During my grade/middle high school years, I did have a prayer life. I would pray the rosary all throughout grade school and middle school. And, when you're going through Confirmation, there are certain prayers you had to memorize. The prayers part was easy, seeing as though I was familiar with most of them. But, there were other things that I was not so good with. But, throughout it all, it was a very, very satisfying experience on a personal level. Now, when I agreed to be faithful to God the day of my Confirmation, I had no idea exactly what that entailed. Probably because I was only 14 and/or 15 yrs. old. I was naive for goodness sakes, and that's ok, nothing wrong with being naive. It comes with the territory.
It's 2004 still, High School. Freshmen year. I was somewhat nervous, because I had to learn and to somehow cope with that transition from public to private schools. At the same time, it was a new beginning, a new place, new people, new things to learn. It was an exciting, but scary time all the same. Things went ok...for a little while, and then I was introduced to Porn. What followed was Masturbation, as you may have guessed. At first, it didn't seem like such a big deal. There's a girl and a guy kissing and doing something funky with their bodies, and it turned me on. That eventually led to homosexual porn, which, was even better.
And this is the hard part sometimes to talk about, because, it just haunts me every so often. You see, my whole life, even now, I've always been alone. I've never really got out to meet people, I never really blended in with the "in-crowd." And, it's all my fault, and I know this. I know that in order to make a friend, you've got to be a friend. But, I had really bad social anxiety, and I was just afraid of rejection. And so, what happened one day, while I was in high school, I said "Ok, I'm not gonna pray the rosary anymore. I'll just have to try to live good while being in school...no big." Haha...I'll never make that mistake again.
I delved into sin. Everyday, I would sin, and sin, and sin. I started to loose my self-confidence. I started to loose my dignity. I started to loose....myself. People could tell that I was acting really odd and they didn't wanna be around me. It got so bad that I made a deal with The Devil. There was a guy in high school that I thought the world of, but I didn't think I could ever get him. So, I basically told the Devil that I would do anything to have that guy, anything. And...would you know it, I could've very well have had him. There was a point in time where, him and I were alone. It was only at that moment when it literally hit me. I dunno if a lightbulb went off inside my head, I dunno if it was because of a spur of the moment type of thing, but I said to him "Look....you need to get away from me. You don't want to be hanging around me. I'm a horrible and evil person, and you don't need this." Ever since then, I've never spoken to him, we never became friends, nothing. What was even worse was, he was popular....
And so, to tie what I'm saying altogether, is simply this. When you start a life with Christ, you are starting a life of love. When I agreed to be with God for the rest of my life, I agreed that there will be tremendous suffering. I agreed that some people would hate me. I agreed that I would feel alone. I agreed that the desires of the flesh (Wanting to be with a man, having pre-marital sex, etc...) are things that I would have to give up. (And, I haven't completely given these things up yet, but that's because my faith is still being exercised. My faith is still a work in progress). However, in return, God would handle everything else. God would handle my issues, and my worries. He would help me be strong through the rough times. All He asks is to simply love Him. Is it hard? Well, it certainly isn't easy...not by any means. Did I loose a lot? Oh yes. There are a lot of people now that used to go to high school, who now have something to talk about. But, is it rewarding? Very much so. To me, love is the greatest thing in the world. It's something that the human race desperately hungers for. But, real love, real peace can never be achieved unless done through Christ.
F.Y.I.: I haven't had sex at all. Reason why I said that is because quote "I agreed that the desires of the flesh (Wanting to be with a man, having pre-marital sex, etc...) are things that I would have to give up. (And, I haven't completely given these things up yet, but that's because my faith is still being exercised. My faith is still a work in progress)." I promise, I've never had sex at all. I was simply giving examples.