Single again after almost 4 years! survivors of a LTR break up: how long after he's gone until you feel like dating again?

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 06, 2012 9:19 AM GMT
    my bf (well, ex-bf now) and I had a long talk tonight (after he ended it via text messaging last sunday) and have called it quits after 3 years, 8 months of what i thought was increasingly close feelings and love for each other...at least until the last 6 months or so.

    i'm not mad at him, we parted as still friends to some degree. I suspect he will alway be in my life, somewhere in my life. When it was good, it was fan-fukkin-tastic Great! but it wasn't good all of the time..

    he got bored with me and irritated by some minor personality traits of mine (quoting him), i got tired of his human/emotional baggage.

    NOT the end of the world, life goes on........

    anyway..........

    my question for you long termer rebounders is:

    how long after you broke up with a guy you thought was "The One" did it take for you to feel like getting back into the dating pool and seeing othe guys?

    i'm just....numb...inside at this point.


    icon_neutral.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 9:23 AM GMT
    still with "The One"; however,
    I would wreck the candy store for at least a year, before I even thought about looking again.
  • kuroshiro

    Posts: 786

    Jan 06, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your loss, OP.

    For me, my ex was still around but we weren't communicating. I'd run into him on campus so that made for a very awkward situation. All in all it took me almost two years to be comfortable enough to go on a date with someone else... but even then I was making comparisons in what I was looking for.

    But, you'll know when the time is right for you to. For now it's best to just have me time, kick back and enjoy the single life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidstill with "The One"; however,
    I would wreck the candy store for at least a year, before I even thought about looking again.

    I like this advice, although I am not sure what wreck the candy store means, although if it means working out, eating right, almost constant jerking off and seeking some sort of therapy to discover why you spent 4 years chasing someone who seemed to be the wrong one, then you might be ready to offer yourself up in search of the right one.

    The worst thing I see if this need so many people have about running right back into the hookup/dating game, with some neurotic fear of being alone. Take some time to get mentally/physically super healthy so you are offering yourself up to people in your very best light, and it will also clear the negative effects of your past partner from your plate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 3:44 PM GMT
    rnch saidmy bf (well, ex-bf now) and I had a long talk tonight (after he ended it via text messaging last sunday) and have called it quits after 3 years, 8 months of what i thought was increasingly close feelings and love for each other...at least until the last 6 months or so.

    i'm not mad at him, we parted as still friends to some degree. I suspect he will alway be in my life, somewhere in my life. When it was good, it was fan-fukkin-tastic Great! but it wasn't good all of the time..

    he got bored with me and irritated by some minor personality traits of mine (quoting him), i got tired of his human/emotional baggage.

    NOT the end of the world, life goes on........

    anyway..........

    my question for you long termer rebounders is:

    how long after you broke up with a guy you thought was "The One" did it take for you to feel like getting back into the dating pool and seeing othe guys?

    i'm just....numb...inside at this point.


    icon_neutral.gif



    Sorry about the end of your relationship

    it all depends: on whether you are the breakuper or the breakupee

    sounds to me like you are the breakupee - consequently the effects tend to be a bit more drastic. there are feelings of lack of self worth, how could he do this to me, will i ever find anyone again etc etc etc. there is no set time to get over it. take the time to grieve your loss. as time goes on however, do focus less and less on thinking of him. he's gone and he ain't coming back. continue to focus on him will not help you heal. i would say 8 months

    now if you are the breakuper -different kettle of fish altogether.
  • d_1M

    Posts: 598

    Jan 06, 2012 3:52 PM GMT
    theres not a standard for this everybody is diferent but if is your first time in this situation youll do it at your own way, theres no formula, still the longest you wait the better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    I've had two long-term relationships end and they're always hard. Once was for completely honest, good reasons and he is still my favorite person in the world. The other was because he's a dbag. However it ends though, time is obviously the only thing that helps.

    There is a formula that I think makes pretty good sense: it takes about half the time of the relationship to get over it. So, if you dated for three and a half years, it'll take about one and three quarters to really put it behind you. This seems to even work pretty well even for shorter relationships (i.e., 4 month relationship takes 2 months to get over).

    Or you can take Dolly Parton's advice, which I don't suggest since she's been married forever so what does she know: "The only way to get over a man is to get under a new one."

    Either way, good luck. I look forward to you changing your profile picture to one of you smiling without a care in the world.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Jan 06, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    The best revenge isn't finding a NEW boyfriend...it's proving that you don't need one. icon_wink.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 06, 2012 4:28 PM GMT
    imasrxd saidI've had two long-term relationships end....Once was for completely honest, good reasons and he is still my favorite person in the world....



    I suspect, given some time apart, this might happen for him/me/us.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 06, 2012 4:30 PM GMT
    imasrxd said....Or you can take Dolly Parton's advice, which I don't suggest since she's been married forever so what does she know: "The only way to get over a man is to get under a new one."......






    Nahhhh....don't see that as an option for quite some time. i've never consider myself identifed or completed by having a bf or sleeping with someone.


    but still an amusing quote!


    icon_wink.gif
  • Diceroll

    Posts: 224

    Jan 06, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    rnch saidmy bf (well, ex-bf now) and I had a long talk tonight (after he ended it via text messaging last sunday) and have called it quits after 3 years, 8 months of what i thought was increasingly close feelings and love for each other...at least until the last 6 months or so.

    i'm not mad at him, we parted as still friends to some degree. I suspect he will alway be in my life, somewhere in my life. When it was good, it was fan-fukkin-tastic Great! but it wasn't good all of the time..

    he got bored with me and irritated by some minor personality traits of mine (quoting him), i got tired of his human/emotional baggage.

    NOT the end of the world, life goes on........

    anyway..........

    my question for you long termer rebounders is:

    how long after you broke up with a guy you thought was "The One" did it take for you to feel like getting back into the dating pool and seeing othe guys?

    i'm just....numb...inside at this point.


    icon_neutral.gif



    I went through a similar thing with my ex (we split up after about 3 years 9 months I think) but it had been coming for quite some time. Plus, I always felt that he had been 'keeping his options open' for a while anyway.

    I can't remember how long it was before I went out on a date after the break up but I don't think it was more than a month or so. I really didn't want to mope around feeling sorry for myself, mainly because it was obvious that me and my ex had grown too far apart and I was pretty sure that we wouldn't ever get back together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidThe best revenge isn't finding a NEW boyfriend...it's proving that you don't need one. icon_wink.gif


    Great quote!

    I was in a 16 year relationship and someone told me that it takes a year for every 3 years you're in a relationship to move on. I was really crushed at that, but now 6 years later, I'm now finally ready to date. You're millage may vary!

    I've been working for the past few years on myself and what do I want. Put the focus on you and be your own boyfriend for a while. You'll never have a better relationship if it goes well! ;-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    What happens when you fall off a horse? You get right back on.

    That is the way I would probably react, but for some, it doesn't work like that.

    I'm very sorry to hear about this and hope that you get on with things soon.

    Best of luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    If I read the OP's post my feeling is that this breakup is not well thought through and both parties will be sorry.

    I suggest being single and keeping him in your life as you said and you might still have a shot together in a few months.

    If you feel that this is bullshit and you don;t want this to happen then I think it is amazingly unhealthy to keep him in your life. Cut him out and prepare for at least half a year of masturbating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 06, 2012 7:22 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear what you are going threw
    it sucks big time
    i know

    For me i have all but given up it will be a wile getting back to dating.
    our relationship was 3+ years. (for me anyway)
    i think he took a different path after 1.5 and forgot to tell me. ill never find out the truth.
    So im just doing my own thing its been about 9 or so months since i got the boot for what ever reason (long story)
    Just do your own thing for now and in time, be it 1 month or 3 years you will know when you are ready to date again.

    Chris