He wants an open relationship and I'm unsure... what do I do?

  • robbor

    Posts: 1

    Jan 06, 2012 12:59 PM GMT
    I met the most amazing guy in February 2011. It was just sex at first, maybe once or twice a week we would meet at a hotel or his place and have some fun. At the time, I was married to a woman.

    Fast forward 4 months to June 2011. We are laying together in his bed. It's late and we are engaged in pillow talk. He asks, "Where do you see us going?" I was in shock. Even though at this point in my life, I was completely unhappy in my marriage and trying to build up the nerve and courage to leave my wife, I had never even imagined a gay relationship. It was just sex. But I couldn't deny it. I was falling for him so quickly. He understood my situation, he was a great listener, very supportive, and encouraged me to do what was best for me and not to place too much focus on what my friends and family would think. So my response was, "I like you a lot. And I want to get to know you better."

    Let's fast forward once again to July 2011. He texts me to tell me that he is going to visit two of his freinds out of town. (At this point, I am still with my wife and living over 100km away from my new "freind.") I learn that his freinds live just a few minutes drive from me. They are a gay couple. He spent the weekend with them and they all slept together. He told me all about it. I didn't mind. Him and I were still just fuck freinds.

    In September, I left my wife. I technically still live with her even though I have convinced her that my 100km commute to the city is too much and I spend my weeks with him at his apartment instead of a hotel. I still go back to my wife's place on the weekends to spend time with my kids. All was going well. I was planning to move in with him in January 2012; I just didn't want to upset my kids before Christmas.

    Throughout September, October, and November, my love grew so strongly for him. I am fully committed to him, completely happy with him, and love him so much. In December, things started to change. Some weeks would be terrific, others would find him being a little distant. That's when the topic of an open relationship surfaced.

    He is my first boyfriend. I can honestly say that this is the first time I've been in love. I did the straight thing years ago because I felt that's what I had to do and felt that I could push the gay thing out of my head. How do I deal with this?

    Because of our conversations over the past 6-8 weeks, I am beginning not to trust him. He promises that since his rendevous back in July with his friends, he has only slept with me. But these conversations about an open relationship have made me insecure and jealous. He knows how I feel. But I'm afraid that if I give him an altimatum, it will be over for us.

    Yesterday, I checked his cell phone. He confirmed a hook up with some guy today. When I left his bed this morning, he said he wasn't feeling well and was calling in to work sick. I already know this to be a lie.

    Since talking about an open relationship, he has promised me 3 things:
    1. he will be completely honest with me
    2. he will practice safe sex
    3. he will not kiss on the mouth (that's my rule. kissing is sacred to me)

    What do I do? How do I deal with this? He hasn't lied. He told me he would be honest and I have to believe him because as of right now, he's probably still in bed. I will see him again on Monday. Should I question him or should I wait for him to tell me. I'm afraid to question him just in case he was really not feeling well and decided to stay in bed.

    I cannot though, move in with him now until I know if he is going to be honest or not. I'm not into an open relationship, but I do think I can handle him wanting to fool around with another guy occassionally just for sex. Afterall, sex is not love to me. It's just sex. It's the honesty and the trust that I have issues with. If he can't be honest, then I can't trust him. And if I can't trust him, there's nothing left.

    Any advice would be great. Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 1:33 PM GMT
    Read, "The Monogamy Myth" by Peggy Vaughn. The title sounds awful, but the book is a good coverage of what it really takes to be and stay monogamous. And, it also covers post-affair "salvage".

    Go to a marriage counselor with your partner. Work this through together. It's all about agreements and what you both can live with.

    Remember, people and their needs change over time. Both of you may need to accept that change has happened and determine if any accommodations can be made and is it worth keeping the relationship.
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    Jan 06, 2012 1:34 PM GMT
    Just my opinion, an open relationship doesn't sound like it will work for you. Seems to me you're more of a monogamous relationship kind of person and he isn't -- right now. If you think that if you tell him you don't want an open relationship and he'd 1) break up with you because of it, or 2) agree to monogamy but cheat on you, then you should reevaluate your feelings toward him. Because the feelings may not be mutual — that's a problem.

    Again, that's just my thoughts based on what you wrote. To be completely honest, I think your relationship is in trouble.


  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 06, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    If you want to keep him.....you'll do whatever he wants...icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 06, 2012 1:39 PM GMT
    I think the whole thing is crazy. The last thing you need is something like that. You've had enough going on in your life over the last year!

    If you all had been together years and this was carefully considered, that would be one thing...... you need some calm seas for awhile and have a chance to adapt to your new horizons. He isn't helping and he isn't thinking of you or your feelings.

    I'd tell him how you feel, he should back off or you all shouldn't be together.
    Best wishes to you. You've had some major changes. Congrats for having the guts to approach it the way you have.
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    Jan 06, 2012 1:45 PM GMT
    Good luck... I'm not exactly sure what I mean by that, but I do mean it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 1:46 PM GMT
    You're swimming in some really muddy water, big guy.

    Your fuck buddy who you were cheating on your wife with is lying to you about hooking up with other people, and you're wondering if a real relationship with him is in the cards while you contemplate an open relationship? This early?

    Recipe for disaster.
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    Jan 06, 2012 1:59 PM GMT
    !B5uQgsgCGk~$(KGrHqV,!iMEyeLYuMs2BMuyClh

    So let's get this straight (LOL).

    You cheated on your wife (regardless of the excuses/reason) and now you're in a relationship with your fuck bud who has the potential of doing exactly what you did to your wife. My bad...he did do what you did: He cheated after ground rules were set and know you are questioning if things can work?

    Karma, like Reality, is a bitch and runs full circle around on folks.

    I suppose you deserve it considering your recent actions with your marriage so such a thing really shouldn't come as a surprise to you. You took vows and clearly didn't live up to them so for you to expect the same out of someone else is rather hypocritical of you even if it is an open relationship.

    Save yourself the trouble and end the relationship before you get hurt. Take time out to figure a few things out about yourself. Your priorities are all over the map and in the wrong order. Clearly your BF has no intentions of being honest with you and it will get to the point where he just dumps you in search of someone who is the one same page as him.

    Don't let it get to that point. Take a breather and enjoy singlehood. You just got out of a marriage and down graded to a mere relationship which is already in jeopardy. Some "me time" sounds like a damn good thing for you.
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    Jan 06, 2012 2:07 PM GMT
    In my wholly arrogant, biased, and unobjective opinion, you have no business starting a relationship with someone else so soon after you just left your wife. To hell with the details on the sex talk. You need to back off your marriage first, and give priority to your family's health during that separation. If the guy you've met is truly a good man, and if he truly wants you, he will understand that and be patient with you until your separation with your wife is final and the emotions have simmered down.

    If you just run down to the store and simply exchange one relationship for another, guaranteed, this is the best method for doing the most damage to your family.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 06, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    malefeet saidIf you want to keep him.....you'll do whatever he wants...icon_wink.gif


    Eek.... That's some really bad advice. I know a few guys like this and they get hurt and dumped over and over again. Not a good life.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 06, 2012 2:12 PM GMT
    Celticmusl said
    malefeet saidIf you want to keep him.....you'll do whatever he wants...icon_wink.gif


    Eek.... That's some really bad advice. I know a few guys like this and they get hurt and dumped over and over again. Not a good life.


    Then..the sensible thing would be to "decide" not to keep him.....agreed? icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 06, 2012 2:39 PM GMT
    I think you need to take a HUGE step back/away and look at this objectively in light of your wife and kids. Go see a counselor to help, if needed.

    You're in a pile of SH*T and you don't even know it, on so many levels. There're levels of integrity broken every which way. It's disheartening and sad. Perhaps some deep soul searching is in order.

    Imagine if one of your kids was in your position, how would you advise them? "Honey, go have an open relationship, oh, and forget any former commitments you may have made. Your word doesn't mean all that much in life. Libido trumps and justifies all."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 2:46 PM GMT
    Why not take a year off of relationships and get your own shit together? You jump from one bed to another, never bothering to wonder how you wife might feel about this, or your boyfriend, or anyone else, as long as you are happy.
    How about those kids? They OK? Never seeing you during the week? This is just so focused on you and your happiness and no one else. I'm not sure about karma, but you certainly are getting a taste of your own medicine, you play around behind your wifes back, did she have any idea on those weekends with you that you had a gay lover?
    Take a while off, get therapy on who you are what exactly you want, and what sort of father, husband, lover, human you want/should be. Then be that person, not this guy running all over the place trying to figure it out on the run. You have expectations of others that you don't seem to enforce on yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    smartmoney is smart and right on the money. icon_wink.gif

    " You have expectations of others that you don't seem to enforce on yourself."

  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jan 06, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    The problem here is two-fold in my opinion...

    First, you're closing one door (the marriage) and opening another door (gay relationship) WAY too soon. You need time for yourself to come to terms with all this, and your family needs time to adjust to life without you in their home. Secondly, of all the guys to decide to have your first gay relationship with, this one appears to be "Mr. Wrong". Time to step back and evaluate your new life and what you want for yourself in that life. I suspect it isn't a guy who already wants an "open relationship" before you can even be "open" about the one you have had with him. There is nothing pretty in any of this picture.
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    Jan 06, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    I have to agree. Your lack of compassion or even consideration towards your wife and children is pretty stunning. How old are you? Hopefully it's just how you wrote the post but you sound incredibly selfish. Taking a little time off and thinking about your priorities would be a good idea. Hopefully, you choose to be a better contributor to society and think about your kids, your former wife and only then about starting a new, honest relationship with someone else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 3:44 PM GMT
    Married guy are the best fuck buds...total desperation to please.
    Not so hot when they leave their wife.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    RJers: Seriously?

    This finely detailed - and ridiculous - "what do I do" post follows a continuing pattern here... the author's profile was created today with nary a detail except "Toronto."

    Save your bleeding hearts and typing skills for your tax return.

    PM8


    icon_rolleyes.gif check out "phenomanimal" or
    recent post http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2020799/


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 4:59 PM GMT
    I agree, another first post by a faceless person with no details. What I find interesting about posts like these is that they pose all these questions and then never return to reply or comment.

    No pic, it didn't happen! Not going to waste my time even with experience and suggestion that might help.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 5:08 PM GMT
    Assuming you're not pulling our legs, I suggest you grow some hair on that nutsack of yours and walk away from this guy.

    I'd talk about the benefits of not compromising your principles, but the simple fact that you were fucking around with a guy while still married to a woman makes it difficult for me to think you have any real integrity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    I think it's total bullshit and completely made up, sorry.

    No gay man with kids could possibly be this clueless. Entertaining story, though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 7:49 PM GMT
    The no kissing on the mouth thing is just weird. Hard rule to abide by. If he breaks that, has he broken your trust as disastrously as if he broke rule #1 or #2?

    I'm with the poster who said: recipe for disaster. Open relationships work for some, but given your scenario/timing/background, I'll vote "no, don't do it!"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 7:58 PM GMT
    Works for some guys and not for others. The open relationships that I have seen work and the guys stay together thur it all have all been ok with both guys who let their partner know they are playing and who with.

    One couple had no rules about it, they could play together or apart, their place or yours. The sex was amazing with them, one was a total top, the other a total bottom and for me it was nights of hot sweaty sex

    Another couple was together only at their place and there was a lot of meet and greet before sex was ever considered. Once we got to the sex part...lets just say I always slept in the next day.

    A third "couple" I knew played apart and not in their home town, one visited the area I live in on a regular basis and he could play there, he had to let his partner know and if any feeling started to develop we had to stop.

    Fourth couple is a odd pair but the sex is great. They are both voyers to a point where that is what they get off on. Usually the top can get hard and will fuck me while the bf watches and gets horny and wants to get fucked by me, then the top will watch and get really horny and will come fuck me some more while the btm gets off watching and the top will get off by fucking me.

    Met some other couples here and there over the years. The ones that stand the test of time are the ones where they are both cool with an open relationship and have a understanding of how it works and what the "rule of engagement" of for them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 8:00 PM GMT
    Odds he never posts again: 5:2.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 10:08 PM GMT
    You took the time to write a very long post and to share very intimate information about your self, so I'm assuming that you're really in desperate need of advice. You've already been demonized--rightly or wrongly--and I'm not about to add to that. I can see that you are in a very difficult predicament. I feel for you and the people with whom you're involved. Sometimes we find ourselves in unenviable situations of our own making or as a result of a confluence of events beyond our reasonable control. In this particular case, know that you alone can control the ultimate outcome of your situation. Gay life is not easy, and I'm sure you're fully aware of that by now. Often, we succumb to our emotions when we should be using our brain. You need to step back and look at your situation with a measure of objectivity. Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, more than likely it's not right. If you must take a gamble, err on the side of safety and certainty. Good luck.