It's only been a month

  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Jan 06, 2012 5:16 PM GMT
    So as I have mentioned before, recently went through a breakup after a 15 month relationship....it was good, love of my life, miss him, crushed yatta yatta yatta. At any rate, think I'm doing a pretty good job of moving on but the last week has been really strange.

    On New Year's Eve my ex called me crying; he had been drinking, which he never does, but was still pretty coherent it seemed. He was balling and apologizing for having hurt me and putting me through everything and all the shit he had done. I was kind of insensitive, told him coldly that it was okay, what happened happened and he needed to stop apologizing because it just made me remember all of the bad things about the relationship when I was trying to focus on the good.

    Didn't hear from him for a couple days so I sent a text yesterday to see how things were going. He said he was "doing great actually" and just busy because he was juggling a lot of personal changes....of course I inquired. He said he was planning on coming out to his parents this month (something I encouraged, but never pushed, him to do when we were together) and he also said that he was dealing with his new relationship and figuring out plans for moving (as in, in with his new bf- also something I really wanted but he was too scared to do).

    So I called him, said that I thought it absurd that he have a new bf already and that that really hurt me, he said he was just being courteous. He really likes the "new guy" and thinks I need to move on too......I can't say I have completely moved on, because I'm writing this, but I am certain that I don't want to be with him anymore.

    Am I crazy for thinking that that's crazy? rude? insensitive? and just generally shows an all around lack of respect for the 15 month relationship that had just ended?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2012 6:37 PM GMT
    Simple. He's still questioning himself whether he made a mistake leaving you.
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    Jan 06, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    It does seem insensitive, but in his defense, when lightning strikes it strikes (just playing devil's advocate).

    If he's a rude jerk or if he genuinely belongs with the "new guy", either scenario makes it clear that you two made the right choice to break up.

    Source: experience.
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    Jan 06, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    I think it comes down to how people deal with breakups very differently. Some jump into bed with other guys immediately, others want "me-time" and not to date for a while. It's how your own emotions deal with it. You can definitely think he's insensitive (that's your right), but you also need to respect how he deals with it.

    Everyone loves companionship, and when it's taken away, some want to replace it immediately. With the 'new guy', it seems your ex is trying to fill the void you left with someone to spend time with (it's a routine after all). He either genuinely likes the guy (and vice-versa) or it's going to fizzle out due to your ex not truly dealing with the break-up in a more 'time-out' sort of way.

    Either way, you are entitled to feel what you feel but I wouldn't hold it against him. Focus on yourself and how you are moving on, and let your ex have fun, make mistakes, avoid sorrow, etc. It may even affirm that you made the right decision to leave him. But, it's about you at this point, not him, so I would try to stay away. icon_smile.gif
  • Voice22

    Posts: 79

    Jan 06, 2012 6:51 PM GMT
    honestly it doesnt matter.

    I know it hurts that hes doing these things that you wanted to do with him so soon after you broke up - but ask yourself "would it be better if he waited a year?"

    no it still hurts either way and its going to. You have to accept that hes moving on and going to continue living his life. And you owe it to yourself to do the same.
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    Jan 06, 2012 8:24 PM GMT
    The problem is you are living in the past and he isn't. You should not have called him but you had too cus you have chosen to romance about the past rather than find new love.
  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Jan 06, 2012 8:28 PM GMT
    I'm trying to do the same, and to be honest, I'm kind of happy to be single again and I'm very glad with my decision. It's just strange, the hurt doesn't hit me to the core any more, it just boggles my mind. It makes me question everything we did and everything I put into the relationship; to me, what he's doing is demeaning the relationship while I, despite all the effed up shit he did towards the end, am trying to keep in mind the good things. I want to hold the relationship as a big stepping point in my life, I want to look back on it not only as a learning experience, but as a happy time.

    I don't know, just confused, hurt, angry....this blows. I am trying to avoid old habits, like sleeping around or jumping into a new relationship, and his being in a "relationship" this soon, just eats me up and makes me want to go fuck like a bunny all the more.
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    Jan 06, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    Well...I always go by this simple phrase: You are your own best friend.

    But yeah...I mean, I've been in 2 relationships before...one was great, and it was with a girl surprise surprise, and the other was really bad. You know, when things don't work out, and you're all bummed.....do what I do....laugh it up.

    I always laugh throughout the day. It's a WONDERFUL stress-reliever at times. Oh man, and today was the insanity workout, and I just kept laughing because, I was like "How do you people do this on t.v.?" And man, do you know how hard it is to workout and laugh....I was laughing so hard...yet still doing the workout, and when I got done, the side of my stomach literally hurt. Good workout!
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    Jan 06, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    Nothing will ever invalidate the 15 months you spent together and what you felt.

    NOTHING.

    Anything that happens AFTERwards may be interesting, telling, insightful, confounding even horrifying. But what you had was real no matter what.

    To some degree - you BOTH have moved on. You are discovering what he really is about - even as he is discovering it himself. At the same time you are getting to know what it is you want, what works for you and what you are willing to accept in your life.

    That is the whole point of having relationships. There is no one ideal. What you hope for when you are 20 will change and evolve as you get more experience and discover that at 25 - you have a better point of reference and more focus. THAT process is on-going.

    The fact that you are writing this does NOT indicate that you are not yet over him. It indicates that you are well on your way and that the process of letting go of your old ideals and concepts for new and better ones is unfamiliar and a bit uncomfortable.

    Yer not morning the the loss of him. You are morning the loss of the person you were.

    Very soon - if not already - you will see that you have become something better and will find something more in line with who you are now.

    How he chooses to proceed is his concern. It is not a reflection on you or what you had.

    The power of the new is always infinitely more powerful than the power of the old.

    Enjoy it!!!
  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Jan 06, 2012 9:00 PM GMT
    Thanks Cash :-)

    I'm excited to grow and see what the next relationship has in store for me lol. Just feeling a bit like a fool right now, don't want to be afraid to put myself out there again. I've been going on some dates, and met some really cool and attractive guys.Guess I'm just not as emotionally whimsical as my ex lol.


    I won't wish happiness for him just yet though :-) in time maybe but not right now lol,
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    Jan 06, 2012 9:15 PM GMT
    HTTP ADDRESS GOES HERE
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Jan 06, 2012 9:48 PM GMT
    larse88 said
    I won't wish happiness for him just yet though :-) in time maybe but not right now lol,


    You may want to examine this attitude more closely, to see if it is really useful to hold onto it. You might find it's holding you back from growth, or even as you would term it, disrespecting your past relationship. When you can wish your ex happiness, it might be a sign you've moved on from the past.
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    Jan 06, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    It's only been a month and he's moving in with a new boyfriend after a 15 month relationship?

    He sounds charming.
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    Jan 06, 2012 10:42 PM GMT
    I think it is pretty insane that a guy you broke up with over a month ago is moving in with someone else already.

    Be glad you are moving on.
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    Jan 06, 2012 10:43 PM GMT
    Your new theme song.

  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Jan 07, 2012 2:53 AM GMT
    Sounds like the guy's still pretty impacted by what happened between you two and wants to come out of the ordeal as the "winner", lest he has to confront the fact that he may be a loser. Sadly, the only way he can "win" and be the person who wasn't defeated by the breakup is to convince you that you lost. Kind of a douchey self-defense mechanism to protect his self-esteem and sense of self worth, trying to demean you to make himself feel better off. If he was truly over it, you wouldn't have to deal with his "gloating".

    This could not be the case at all, as I don't know either of you, but it's one possible interpretation.
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    Jan 07, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidThe problem is you are living in the past and he isn't. You should not have called him but you had too cus you have chosen to romance about the past rather than find new love.


    Ouch! As harsh as this statement is, Alpha13 is right.

    How long are you going to keep doing this to yourself?
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    Jan 07, 2012 4:51 AM GMT
    TRee months after you broke up he is going to move in with a dude, something he wouldn't do when you were together? I would be pissed as hell
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Jan 07, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    larse88 saidSo as I have mentioned before, recently went through a breakup after a 15 month relationship....it was good, love of my life, miss him, crushed yatta yatta yatta. At any rate, think I'm doing a pretty good job of moving on but the last week has been really strange.

    On New Year's Eve my ex called me crying; he had been drinking, which he never does, but was still pretty coherent it seemed. He was balling and apologizing for having hurt me and putting me through everything and all the shit he had done. I was kind of insensitive, told him coldly that it was okay, what happened happened and he needed to stop apologizing because it just made me remember all of the bad things about the relationship when I was trying to focus on the good.

    Didn't hear from him for a couple days so I sent a text yesterday to see how things were going. He said he was "doing great actually" and just busy because he was juggling a lot of personal changes....of course I inquired. He said he was planning on coming out to his parents this month (something I encouraged, but never pushed, him to do when we were together) and he also said that he was dealing with his new relationship and figuring out plans for moving (as in, in with his new bf- also something I

    So I called him, said that I thought it absurd that he have a new bf already and that that really hurt me, he said he was just being courteous. He really likes the "new guy" and thinks I need to move on too......I can't say I have completely moved on, because I'm writing this, but I am certain that I don't want to be with him anymore.

    Am I crazy for thinking that that's crazy? rude? insensitive? and just generally shows an all around lack of respect for the 15 month relationship that had just ended?
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Jan 07, 2012 5:20 AM GMT
    Sorry. It sounds to me like you are the stronger person in this situation. He is attempting to draw from your strength to do this terrifying thing of coming out to his family. He was, or is, in love with you and that love with you was speeding up his time table for coming out. This frightened him which is why he broke up or caused you to break up with him. You should expect more communication from him if he is truly getting close to coming out.
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    Jan 07, 2012 5:28 AM GMT
    dude, its a good thing. get hurt now, get over it and then get it out of the way. it'll only make you stronger. it'll speed up the recovery process.
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    Jan 07, 2012 5:29 AM GMT
    i am a ghost
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidi am a ghost



    no no.When asians die they turn into a dragon or a phoenix or something. Only white people turn into ghosts.
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    Jan 07, 2012 5:33 AM GMT
    DEKIRUMAN said
    AvadaKedavra saidi am a ghost



    no no.When asians die they turn into a dragon or a phoenix or something. Only white people turn into ghosts.


    thats not me. you made that up.
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    Jan 07, 2012 5:34 AM GMT
    you're playing a game with your ex and yourself.

    First, you try to play aloof when he tries to talk to you. Then he doesn't call/text you for a couple of days, so you have to contact him because your aloofness plan worked too well and you no longer are getting his attention. These are games kids play, not adults.

    If you are clear in your head you don't want to be with him anymore, then let him make his own decisions. They are irrelevant to your life.