'You'll never get the body you want'

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 08, 2012 6:21 PM GMT
    ...is the most recent comment from my other half during a debate re. my gym going and him not getting off his arse.

    Because Im over 30, not a model and 'don't want to be a boring person who spends their life in a gym' I will not get the body I want,nor lose the excess festive pounds.
    He "loves me" "asI am" and I sholdnt "go changing" and is scared of me pulling a boyfriend in the gym...and thinks me working out is to impress others...

    Sigh.


  • Jan 08, 2012 6:54 PM GMT
    Well you're trying to improve yourself and whether or not he wants to do the same is up to him. But if you stop and simply sit on the couch, you'll be unhappy with yourself and you need to love yourself first before you can love him, right? So keep trying to involve him in that, and show him that it's not a threat to your relationship just because you want to work out. Maybe he has some self esteem issues or maybe he's just lazy. Who knows--But don't settle for a body you don't love, because it's the only one you have.
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    Jan 08, 2012 7:40 PM GMT
    Sounds like you two are growing apart. Sorry to hear that.
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    Jan 08, 2012 7:45 PM GMT
    rather controlling isn't he.
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    Jan 08, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    We´ve heard this before. He really doesn´t care for you does he? He´s not interested in your goals and hopes. He doesn´t want to be part of what you hope your future will be.

    Sorry about that.

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 08, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    SeattleRealtor saidWell you're trying to improve yourself and whether or not he wants to do the same is up to him. But if you stop and simply sit on the couch, you'll be unhappy with yourself and you need to love yourself first before you can love him, right? So keep trying to involve him in that, and show him that it's not a threat to your relationship just because you want to work out. Maybe he has some self esteem issues or maybe he's just lazy. Who knows--But don't settle for a body you don't love, because it's the only one you have.


    Thats what I am doing and I telling him...and keep on telling him...but he just gets upset.
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    Jan 08, 2012 8:16 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said
    SeattleRealtor saidWell you're trying to improve yourself and whether or not he wants to do the same is up to him. But if you stop and simply sit on the couch, you'll be unhappy with yourself and you need to love yourself first before you can love him, right? So keep trying to involve him in that, and show him that it's not a threat to your relationship just because you want to work out. Maybe he has some self esteem issues or maybe he's just lazy. Who knows--But don't settle for a body you don't love, because it's the only one you have.


    Thats what I am doing and I telling him...and keep on telling him...but he just gets upset.


    I've been in this situation before. Just keep telling him even as you grow apart. At least you will know in your heart that you did your best to not only honor yourself, but to also make every attempt to bring health and happiness to your partner.

    This will be succor if and when there is a parting.

    I know it was for me.
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    Jan 08, 2012 8:49 PM GMT
    May just be that he feels like he can't get a better body and if for some reason you did then you'd probably feel like you were in a higher league than him and would promptly leave him.

    Or it could be he thinks you already have a great body and you're being delusional to think you could look even better.
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:02 PM GMT
    My family is the same way. I have heard that I look better heavier. I don't look like myself anymore. Even - so what are you going to do when you get tired of this and gain all the weight back again.

    People don't like change - especially if there is an element of control that they are losing. I stopped listening to what everyone had to say and committed myself to do what I needed to do for me regardless of what anyone thought.

    They'll either come on board or they won't. If they truly love you, they do. My family sees that I am happy now, so they have backed off and are much more supportive.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 08, 2012 11:11 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said...is the most recent comment from my other half during a debate re. my gym going and him not getting off his arse.

    Because Im over 30, not a model and 'don't want to be a boring person who spends their life in a gym' I will not get the body I want,nor lose the excess festive pounds.
    He "loves me" "asI am" and I sholdnt "go changing" and is scared of me pulling a boyfriend in the gym...and thinks me working out is to impress others...

    Sigh.

    listen as long as you are happy that is all that matters. however, someone who is given up on there body like that means he has self esteem issues. again, if you are happy that is all that matters.
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:17 PM GMT
    TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST...your body and your health are VERY important....men come and go...but your body is with you always..
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:24 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said
    He "loves me" "asI am" and I sholdnt "go changing" and is scared of me pulling a boyfriend in the gym...and thinks me working out is to impress others...



    If he loves you as you are, then he should love you for wanting to have a better body too. If he's jealous that you'll find another boyfriend at the gym, then there's a trust issue in your relationship that's going to be there whether you are at the gym, at a rehearsal, at a coffee shop, etc.

    Stick with it -- you'll be better in the end, regardless of the outcome in your relationship.
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:26 PM GMT
    onaquest saidMy family is the same way. I have heard that I look better heavier. I don't look like myself anymore. Even - so what are you going to do when you get tired of this and gain all the weight back again.

    People don't like change - especially if there is an element of control that they are losing. I stopped listening to what everyone had to say and committed myself to do what I needed to do for me regardless of what anyone thought.

    They'll either come on board or they won't. If they truly love you, they do. My family sees that I am happy now, so they have backed off and are much more supportive.


    The older generations in my family are like this too. If you aren't chunky, you're not healthy. I remember in the early 90s when my cousin got married, I was at my leanest and meanest although not yet bulked up enough that you could see it in a suit. There were already rumors afoot that I might be tutti-frutti and my cousin she heard the old aunts wondering aloud if I had AIDS. icon_eek.gif

    My trainer/boss told me I would never get the body I wanted either. Now he is neither.
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:29 PM GMT
    Dump him. Focus on YOUR Happiness, not his jealousy.
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:30 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said...is the most recent comment from my other half during a debate re. my gym going and him not getting off his arse.

    Because Im over 30, not a model and 'don't want to be a boring person who spends their life in a gym' I will not get the body I want,nor lose the excess festive pounds.
    He "loves me" "asI am" and I sholdnt "go changing" and is scared of me pulling a boyfriend in the gym...and thinks me working out is to impress others...

    Sigh.




    I'd tend to ignore him on that count. Hitting the gym is as much about how it makes you feel as how you look but, it's incredible what one can achieve physically.

    Do what YOU want.
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:31 PM GMT
    His misery wants company?
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:31 PM GMT
    KeeP trying to get him involved, working out with yOur partner is quality time spent, and can also be healthy for your love life. I used to get totally turned on working out with my partner and really enjoyed it.
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    Jan 08, 2012 11:32 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said...is the most recent comment from my other half during a debate re. my gym going and him not getting off his arse.

    Because Im over 30, not a model and 'don't want to be a boring person who spends their life in a gym' I will not get the body I want,nor lose the excess festive pounds.
    He "loves me" "asI am" and I sholdnt "go changing" and is scared of me pulling a boyfriend in the gym...and thinks me working out is to impress others...

    Sigh.



    He needs to stop taunting you with this kind of stuff. He is feeling threatened because he sees you improving and takes it as a sign that you will abandon him.

    You also need to stop accepting his taunts and justifying his nasty cracks.

    If he loves you - he will support you in your goals. If you really love him you will NOT support him petty games and name-calling.

    BTW - I am over 40, not a model, FAR from boring and I don't belong to a gym at all.

    I am doing ok. So is my BF.

    Keep going Dude - ya got all the support ya need!!!!!!
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jan 08, 2012 11:32 PM GMT
    My mom didnt like me losing weight....she said I look "ill" and also said when I was coxing for my Uni and I had a very low body fat and the accompany six pack (aahhh those were the days) that it was ugly and how she doesnt like men with muscles or too thin as they are "ugly". Im the reverse, of couse.!

    My other half says he hasnt the time to work out - hes too tired after work - has friends....despite sitting behind his PS3 all day on the weekend and thurs and friday night..........priorities????
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jan 08, 2012 11:54 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidWe´ve heard this before. He really doesn´t care for you does he? He´s not interested in your goals and hopes. He doesn´t want to be part of what you hope your future will be.

    Sorry about that.



    Yup, that is very perceptive. You should bring this up to him. If he loves you he should support your goals and hopes. What is preventing him might be some depression that is keeping him from taking care of himself, and definitely some jealousy and concern that he isn't good enough for you.

    Don't let him pull you down to his level, offer him the opportunity to come up to yours.

    You have a nice basic muscular physique, it shouldn't be too hard to knock yourself into godlike status icon_smile.gif If you have had abs before, they won't be too hard to rediscover either.
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    Jan 09, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidMy mom didnt like me losing weight....she said I look "ill" and also said when I was coxing for my Uni and I had a very low body fat and the accompany six pack (aahhh those were the days) that it was ugly and how she doesnt like men with muscles or too thin as they are "ugly". Im the reverse, of couse.!

    My other half says he hasnt the time to work out - hes too tired after work - has friends....despite sitting behind his PS3 all day on the weekend and thurs and friday night..........priorities????


    Walk the path you choose and do it on your own. Don't let him or your mom or anyone else convince you that what you want for yourself is stupid or pointless. If it's something that you truly want then that's all that matters. Your boyfriends hangups are his hangups, don't let them become yours too. I'd say you two weren't meant for each other, especially considering how he wants to change who you are/who you are going to be as a person in order to want to be with you. That's not healthy for him to expect and certainly not healthy for you to force yourself to be.
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    Jan 09, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidMy mom didnt like me losing weight....she said I look "ill" and also said when I was coxing for my Uni and I had a very low body fat and the accompany six pack (aahhh those were the days) that it was ugly and how she doesnt like men with muscles or too thin as they are "ugly". Im the reverse, of couse.!

    My other half says he hasnt the time to work out - hes too tired after work - has friends....despite sitting behind his PS3 all day on the weekend and thurs and friday night..........priorities????

    Oh dear lord, you married your mom. OK, time for the weaning.

    I wouldn't even worry about the excess weight you have around your middle until you cut off that 15 stone anchor tied to your neck.
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    Jan 09, 2012 1:16 AM GMT
    ya know, I'm totally against doing something like this.. but then again, sometimes you just gotta do something like this so..

    Go pull some damned hottie in the gym, bang the f***ing HELL outta him and dump that lazy arsed twat for not being supportive of you for going after something you want!



    He just wants you to stay the same so he doesn't have to do anything, lazy arsed bastard!
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jan 09, 2012 1:23 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant said...is the most recent comment from my other half during a debate re. my gym going and him not getting off his arse.

    Because Im over 30, not a model and 'don't want to be a boring person who spends their life in a gym' I will not get the body I want,nor lose the excess festive pounds.
    He "loves me" "asI am" and I sholdnt "go changing" and is scared of me pulling a boyfriend in the gym...and thinks me working out is to impress others...

    Sigh.



    Okay, so you work out to look good and you like to look good. He doesn't like that fact that a good looking well built guy is "his" (as it were)? Seriously? He buys used cars, used clothes and eats leftovers out of a trash bin, I take it.

    Yeesh. So, you take care of yourself, you enjoy the results, and he doesn't even, at the VERY least, reap the benefits and pay for your fucking membership so that he can have more of the spoils? No, no, no, no, no.

    It may matter what he hears from you, and he might be worried that you're sending some coded message about how you feel about him, and he feels inadequate and unable to 'keep up' with you, but how about some effort? How about working at it so that YOU get to enjoy HIS spoils in turn? Ridiculous. He may hate hearing it, but the simple truth is that you deserve to have what you put out, you deserve someone who cares about himself and his health and fueling your attraction and desire back toward him. If he can't do that - then he needs help and you're not the one to give it. He has to do that on his own, and alone may be the only way it becomes clear to him.

    So sorry he's being a prick.
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    Jan 09, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidHis misery wants company?


    THIS!

    Addicts, such as alcoholics and smokers, many times have challenges breaking with their addiction because there are others around them who are also addicted and want a "buddy" to keep signing off on their bullshit.

    Your desire to be in shape is a threat to the lazy lardball lifestyle that your partner doesn't want to work to leave. By your choice to live a healthier lifestyle, that means he doesn't have a "buddy in bullshit" anymore.

    Stick to your commitment to yourself. You're going whether he goes or not. I hope he joins you, but don't hold your breath.

    Prepare yourself more for the eventual breakup for every day he chooses to fail to step up and grow with you.