My first breakup with a guy...wow, it's tough!

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    Jan 08, 2012 9:28 PM GMT
    So I'm pretty sad right now. Just ended my relationship with my boyfriend today. We're in 2 different places in our lives and it just wasn't working out. I'm always going to love and care for him deeply though. It was my first relationship with a guy and he treated me really well. The good thing is that we'll always be friends.

    Don't know why i decided to post on the forums on this...guess i just wanted to get it out there and not wallow and feel horrible. I'd love to hear from you guys on how you dealt with your first breakup.

    brad
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 08, 2012 9:31 PM GMT
    This seems to be a normal occurrence...and it's wonderful when you can remain friends. Be thankful that you found out the irreconcilable differences now instead of years later. icon_wink.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 08, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    my sympathies, Brad....you are not alone! my situation is much as yours is.
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    Jan 08, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidJust curious and if I may ask, if he treated you really well then why did you end it?


    That's the goal of dating, to find someone who treats you well.


    "We're in 2 different places in our lives and it just wasn't working out."

    *hugs*
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    Jan 09, 2012 2:25 AM GMT
    go_vols saidSo I'm pretty sad right now. Just ended my relationship with my boyfriend today. We're in 2 different places in our lives and it just wasn't working out. I'm always going to love and care for him deeply though. It was my first relationship with a guy and he treated me really well. The good thing is that we'll always be friends.

    Don't know why i decided to post on the forums on this...guess i just wanted to get it out there and not wallow and feel horrible. I'd love to hear from you guys on how you dealt with your first breakup.

    brad


    Hey ! Hang in there! I was in your same situation 3 months ago..he was my first love, first relationship, first time... A lot of firsts... And he was great in my eyes... The first month was the hardest, everything reminded me of him... Music, television shows, places we've been together... I was a mess... I missed a whole month of the gym and ate food for comfort... The second month got better, I started meeting new people and hanging out with my friends more and started to take care of myself again and slowly started feeling better. Now after 3 months the process gets easier everyday... Except we have a lot of the same friends so I tend to bump into him and those feelings come back... But then on New years after kissing my ex and puppy dogging around him all night... This guy (a mutual friend) took me away and "knocked" some sense into me ;) and those feelings of missing him are startingto fade more each day.

    So... To sum things up... Time is the greatest pain reliever...you will feel better just give it time... Either he will come back into your life or disappear... You should really check out the post "good relationship advice" the video is amazing!

    Hope this helps and feel better!
    Dan
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Jan 09, 2012 2:26 AM GMT
    You posted it because you need to heal and need comfort. Breaking a strong bond with some is tough. Don't keep your feelings in!
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    Jan 09, 2012 2:26 AM GMT
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2097607
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    Jan 09, 2012 2:29 AM GMT
    The sad part is that I envy you. At least you were in a relationship.
  • newral

    Posts: 137

    Jan 09, 2012 2:30 AM GMT
    [(Good friends + keeping busy) x optimism]^ time = healing of the heart

    icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 09, 2012 2:55 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI'm not trying to interfere and maybe you might be keeping less than ideal details to yourself about your relationship to maintain dignity. But since this was your first relationship maybe it was simply difficult to adjust to having someone in your life. Since you are in your thirties I can easily see this as shaking your foundation up a bit. You're more than likely set in your ways and that's natural.

    But the chances of finding someone being in the "same place" as you and who also treats you really well (and whom you also find attractive) is not something that falls out of the sky. Relationships are work and they challenge us and we have to make adjustments. I hope I don't sound patronizing or disrespectful because that's not my intent. You know yourself best, of course, to make this type of decision. However, I guess for me if you:

    a) still love and care for him deeply....

    and

    b) he treats you very well....

    then I think that's an ideal recipe to try and make it work.

    In any event, I wish you well in the mending process and with moving on.




    he actually prompted it to end, not me. If was up to me, I'd still be with him. I think he needs to finish sowing his wild oats, and he may come around. I'm definitely more of the 'settle down' type while he likes to go out and have fun. nothing wrong with that, but I'm sort of done with that aspect of my life
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    Jan 09, 2012 2:59 AM GMT
    Well, all I can say is to be happy that it ended well and that you two will be friends.

    I had my first relationship back in May, and it lasted not even a full month before I ended it, as my heart was just not in it, and I felt his was, hence, it seemed unfair to drag along what I knew was not to be.

    So I ended it, not easy. Though, it seemed to have ended relatively well, all things considered. Until... a couple days passed... and I got an email, with an attachment... it was a video he made: 16 minutes long, with editing, effects, voice over... and a soundtrack(!)... about why I was the "best" guy he ever met and should give him another chance. I watched the video with my hands over my face, thinking, "what the fuck, holy hell, good god, whyyyyy?!"

    I replied, diplomatically, saying, "thanks for the video, but I made my decision," now knowing that it was indeed, the right decision. However, then began four months of near-constant attempts at communications: facebook, emails, etc., attempting to maintain some sort of contact every couple days at the least, 90% of which I never replied to, until he then felt he had "moved on" and we could "hang out again," to which I then had to state, "this needs to stop." At that point, after four months, he finally ended his attempts to maintain contact with me.

    I wish him the best, but, the experience was rather unfortunate. My friends now just laugh and say, "only you," and it's quite clear: I'm crazy bait. I even ironically informed him on our first date that I am "crazy bait," and I guess that became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Now, whenever I go on a date with someone, I ask them if they have skills in or access to video editing equipment.
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    Jan 09, 2012 2:59 AM GMT
    go_vols said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI'm not trying to interfere and maybe you might be keeping less than ideal details to yourself about your relationship to maintain dignity. But since this was your first relationship maybe it was simply difficult to adjust to having someone in your life. Since you are in your thirties I can easily see this as shaking your foundation up a bit. You're more than likely set in your ways and that's natural.

    But the chances of finding someone being in the "same place" as you and who also treats you really well (and whom you also find attractive) is not something that falls out of the sky. Relationships are work and they challenge us and we have to make adjustments. I hope I don't sound patronizing or disrespectful because that's not my intent. You know yourself best, of course, to make this type of decision. However, I guess for me if you:

    a) still love and care for him deeply....

    and

    b) he treats you very well....

    then I think that's an ideal recipe to try and make it work.

    In any event, I wish you well in the mending process and with moving on.




    he actually prompted it to end, not me. If was up to me, I'd still be with him. I think he needs to finish sowing his wild oats, and he may come around. I'm definitely more of the 'settle down' type while he likes to go out and have fun. nothing wrong with that, but I'm sort of done with that aspect of my life




    How old was this fellow?
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    Jan 09, 2012 4:00 AM GMT
    MeOhMy saidWell, all I can say is to be happy that it ended well and that you two will be friends.

    I had my first relationship back in May, and it lasted not even a full month before I ended it, as my heart was just not in it, and I felt his was, hence, it seemed unfair to drag along what I knew was not to be.

    So I ended it, not easy. Though, it seemed to have ended relatively well, all things considered. Until... a couple days passed... and I got an email, with an attachment... it was a video he made: 16 minutes long, with editing, effects, voice over... and a soundtrack(!)... about why I was the "best" guy he ever met and should give him another chance. I watched the video with my hands over my face, thinking, "what the fuck, holy hell, good god, whyyyyy?!"

    I replied, diplomatically, saying, "thanks for the video, but I made my decision," now knowing that it was indeed, the right decision. However, then began four months of near-constant attempts at communications: facebook, emails, etc., attempting to maintain some sort of contact every couple days at the least, 90% of which I never replied to, until he then felt he had "moved on" and we could "hang out again," to which I then had to state, "this needs to stop." At that point, after four months, he finally ended his attempts to maintain contact with me.

    I wish him the best, but, the experience was rather unfortunate. My friends now just laugh and say, "only you," and it's quite clear: I'm crazy bait. I even ironically informed him on our first date that I am "crazy bait," and I guess that became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Now, whenever I go on a date with someone, I ask them if they have skills in or access to video editing equipment.


    icon_eek.gif

    Lol naturally I thought of Mel.

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    Jan 09, 2012 4:11 AM GMT
    Yeah, I wish my video was that 'tame'. It was the kind of thing where you feel like laughing, crying, and screaming at the same time... for 16 minutes. Needless to say, I have not watched it since.
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    Jan 10, 2012 1:54 AM GMT
    My ex-boyfriend and I called it quits after almost 3 and a half years together. We were both each others' first. We thought it was going to last forever. But things and people change. We both agreed together that we should just be friends.

    I don't know about your situation, but in mine one of the problems was that we were both too curious about dating other people since we had only been with each other. This was compounded by a poor sex life. We were "into" different things sexually and became unattracted to each other. Then, a tragic event on my end also changed things for us and was, in my opinion, the catalyst for our break-up. Initially, this event brought us closer together, but as things progressed, and I began putting my life back together, I realized fully that my "new" life did not have him in it in the capacity of a boyfriend.

    So I know what it's like. Hang in there. Things will change quicker than you think.
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    Jan 10, 2012 2:09 AM GMT
    Sorry Brad! I hate hearing that this happened to you, but I'm glad that you are in a good emotional state. It's good that you can recognize that the two of you are just in different places, and that your priorities are different.

    My first serious BF decided to end our relationship too. Unfortunately, we owned a bunch of stuff together (like a house), and it was messy trying to sort things out. He didn't move out right away. Instead, he lived in our house but slept in a separate bedroom. He went out a lot, picked up guys, and brought them home to our house.

    I dealt with it in a lot of mature and immature ways. I methodically sorted through files, accounts, furniture, dishes, etc. And after I had my fill of him parading guys through our kitchen every morning, I took the dog out for a walk one night and threw a big rock at his new car that was parked on the street. He never knew it was me, and assumed that a passing car must've hit him.

    After he left, I met a guy who was a lot more compatible, and we've been together for the last 20 years.
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    Jan 10, 2012 2:15 AM GMT
    Breaking up sucks but should also be a resource of reflection to understanding what wrk'd and didn't wrk in your relationship. The good news is a friendship remains and everyone should be so lucky first time out the gate. Best wishes 2012
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    Jan 10, 2012 2:16 AM GMT
    thats sad bro...i'm sorry...hope you get to feeling better...my breakup went kinda weirdly...we just kinda grew apart..and one day,we stopped seeing each other..just kinda surreal..it happened so slowly..but yet ended so fast..i was left scatching my head??
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    Jan 10, 2012 2:35 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about all of that vols. Hey, at the end of the day, you are still damn handsome and can probably score any guy around.
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    Jan 10, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    hugs to you
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    Jan 10, 2012 2:55 AM GMT
    Knowing the following helped me a lot:

    1) You'll feel better soon

    2) Don't eat your feelings

    3) You'll find someone amazing again in time

    4) Take time to heal

    5) You gonna have a HUGE void in your life, and your gonna try to fill it. DON'T RUSH into anything.

    5) Avoid sad songs and sad people, try to keep busy, cheerful and fit (your very sexy so no worries)

    6) Take on your old hobbies you never had time for. Read, draw, yoga, Tai Chi, cook INVEST IN YOURSELF again.

    stay strong!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAHyGbOXoF4
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    Jan 11, 2012 6:23 AM GMT
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    Jan 11, 2012 6:36 AM GMT
    Lemme just say that my last relationship was really odd. Half the time, I felt really uncomfortable. I, personally, was glad it ended.
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    Jan 11, 2012 6:48 AM GMT
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    Jan 11, 2012 6:49 AM GMT
    Last one icon_biggrin.gif