Question of the week.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2007 11:03 PM GMT
    Ok so here's the issue...when did turning a guy from a human being into just a penis and abs become acceptable nature...

    Let me explain...

    I thought a guy was cute and began talking to him...and all he could ask me about were my abs and endowment. I was left flabbergasted as this was a hurrydate event...he felt this was acceptable conduct where I found it appalling. However, this happens quite a bit to me. Something about being brown and tallish with muscles makes people think that I must be packing heat.

    It get incredibly irritating and increasingly difficult to date guys because they consistently ask these questions before actually getting to know me as a person. I feel as if they are afraid to get emotionally attached to someone without knowing they are absolutely "perfect"...but isn't that the point of going on dates?

    Anyway I would LOVE some perspectives on this phenomenon because I don't get it...but would like tips to better play the game (preferably making people feel silly about asking it without offending...)

    Thanks guys!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2007 11:13 PM GMT
    I'm not sure if I entirely understand your situation, but I think I can relate...on the one hand, it's very flattering to receive compliments etc. but then there comes that moment of realization that people remark on things, that for the most part, one has no control over. Eye color...height...endowment...these are things that genetics predetermined.

    So, in my book, once in a while I'd like to hear, "You're really nice," rather than, "nice looking." I know that sounds odd, but every now and then it'd be nice to be complimented on something that a person cultivated, rather than inherited.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2007 11:26 PM GMT
    The online world has made me numb to most compliments. In person it is nice, cause you can see the emotion. Online, when people tell me 'nice pix' or 'woof' I could give a shit. I would really prefer they had not sent me a message at all. I don't care what your dick thinks of me, engage me as a person, I'm not posting my pictures online because I want to be your personal porn star. Once in a while someone will send me a message that makes me smile, but those are few and far between, and in the end, still don't engage me as though I am a real person.

    If you have no interest in me other than my looks and pictures, move along. I put myself out there, my profile is not blank, if you think we share similar interests, ask me questions, elaborate on what I have said. Pick my brain, because my vanity is uninteresting (although, Prince's ladyfriend Vanity is interesting).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2007 11:27 PM GMT
    We frequently hear what we don't want. The first thing that attracts me to a guy is appearance. It's the getting know about them that determines whether I'll continue to talk. I can't tell if someones nice until I talk to them.

    From the other perspective as well, if you typically hear 'you're nice', before 'you're handsome', I've found that to mean they are definitely NOT attracted to me. This come uder the realm of "You watch the sun come up every morning and after ten or twenty years, you start to expect it."

    I'm no longer bothered by that because it may be an opportunity to make a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2007 11:36 PM GMT
    sureshot - I complimented you on that picture w/ the smile that made me chuckle - just checking...did you think I was insincere or trying to chat you up? Just wondering...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 12:01 AM GMT
    I like the compliments I get. I've never been asked about my abs (they are there...just need to find them) or my size.

    I made a very concious decision back in May of this year that I was going to be the best looking man (best dressed, best kept, etc) in my department. People that I have worked with for years have noticed the change. May is also when I came down off the fence I was sitting on whether I was straight/bi/or gay.

    I am gay and while there is a whole host of circumstances that prevent me from totally coming out (which I am okay with right now) many people have noticed a positve change in me. Confidence, appearance, attitude, style.

    I love the compliments. Didn't get them for years because I never paid attention to myself. Exercise and diet brought about a 40 pound weight loss. I look good, damn good in my opinion.

    I remember something a buddy gave me years ago he cut out of a newspaper. "If you don't take care of yourself no one will"

    -Chuck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 12:47 AM GMT
    CHARACTER. Some people have it, some people really don't (or suppress it or something). How does one have / demonstrate character... by having a discernible system of values. If I value looks and physical traits, insisting on their importance over all else, then others without the same (superficial) values will ascertain that I am merely a superficial ass.

    For one, I recognize the importance of a mutual physical attraction. There needs to be a spark. On the other hand, I am 100% aware that so many other factors lead to a sustained attraction and those are what I focus on, after the first 2 seconds of being in someone's presence. I get bored REALLY easily, and empty "beauty", in the most vain, hedonistic sense of the word, becomes mundane very quickly.

    A major part of my attraction to a man is his ability to strike his own path - detach himself from labels, whether heterocentric or homocentric. He is comfortable with himself and his behavior is not egocentric either (ie. drawing attention to himself for the sake of the attention).

    At first I was not super interested, physically, in a former bf of mine. With time, however, all of that changed, our relationship grew, and we still have a bond that has surpassed my initial expectations by leaps and bounds. And if I had been so short-sighted as to dismiss him right off the bat?
  • irishkcguy

    Posts: 780

    Jul 26, 2007 12:49 AM GMT
    I think the internet can't help but objectify people. You aren't really meeting people in the flesh, all you have are their typed words and some photos. There is no way to know if the pics are recent or even of the person with whom you are chatting.

    Sites like manhunt or gay.com are totally based on what is appealing to the eye. You are only getting a very shallow representation because you don't get to see the person's behavior. I live in LA and there are many many hot guys in West Hollywood, but many of them become repulsive when you see the sort of person they are.

    I think my answer is growing repetitive but I think when we go on sites like these it can't help but foster an attitude that looks are all that are important.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 12:55 AM GMT
    "sureshot - I complimented you on that picture w/ the smile that made me chuckle - just checking...did you think I was insincere or trying to chat you up? Just wondering..."

    I did the same thing about the hilarious Pledge of Allegiance pic before he made it his lead pic. Now I feel -- I don't know -- dirty.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 1:00 AM GMT
    LaSalle04, to more directly respond to your post:

    Turn around and ask him what he got on his SATs, what countries he has visited, what was the last book he read, what his IQ is, so forth... that would be my course of action, and should get your point across in that given situation.

    I will reiterate the fact that LaSalle04 was at a live, honest to goodness, in person event when this situation occurred. The Internet does not have anything to do with it (though the same phenomenon occurs).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 3:00 AM GMT
    I think it gradually became acceptable as more and more out gay men started living in increasingly homogenous neighborhoods, aka, gay ghettos. This will likely inflame a lot of people, but the ridiculous spectacles of pride events reinforce this too - because they are less about dignity and equality and more about shirtless guys parading around the streets ala marti gras.

    I'm bothered by stuff like this all the time. Just last week I toured a certain gym in NYC (Chelsea) just to see what it was like, and was so disgusted by how the clientelle was blatantly staring at me that I left without even asking about rates. I did not interpret this as a personal compliment so much as proof that plenty of gay men simply see other guys as chunks of meat.

    If straight men so brutally reduced women to chunks of meat, hospitals would need new wings and dedicated support staff just to treat pepper spray burns.

    If people are rude to you, I would recommend just being stiff and distant in response. Given them a politician's answer, or respond with something ridiculous, like "14 inches". If they offend you, then they have given you more than sufficient information to form an accurate view of what type of person they are and what they are looking for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 3:30 AM GMT
    Both of you should feel dirty, you just want me for my body.
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    Jul 26, 2007 4:03 AM GMT
    This is a message I just received, from what is probably a nice guy, and one that I actually think looks good in his pictures. However, it had absolutely no effect on me.

    'Looking mighty good guy!! Love the beard and the bulge in the pants!!! Hope to chat dome time.'

    What the hell is that? I probably would have written him back if he wasn't all about the bulge in my pants (what bulge? I'm a eunuch). And by the way, my name is Kevin, read 4 words into my profile. Call me that. Not that I care what people call me, I'd prolly answer to Janet (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty), but it's an easy way to score some bonus points if you want em.

    It's just little things. I'm all about internet acquaintance, but is it really that hard to write a message with a little bit of thought and not so much boner?
  • Fuzzers

    Posts: 23

    Jul 26, 2007 8:39 AM GMT
    No, it's not, Kevin. It's just that a lot of online sites have fallen victim to the fast-food-sex style of interaction.

    We both know it's possible to form true friendships from online connections. At least the 'ur hawts' and 'WOOF!!!' bits are clear indications of what you can kind of expect.

    It's actually kind of polite of them- because they take any sort of possibility of time investment out of your consideration.

    Honest compliments are always appreciated. And so is money. And hot dogs. And sleep. Which I need. Why am I sitting at this computer at 330am? Ugh, working nights is driving me freakin' bonkers. Must. Log. Off...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 9:55 AM GMT
    hehe he said "fast-food-sex "

    McGay
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 10:28 AM GMT
    Is fast food sex whenyou break a carb free diet with a McDonalds and have a starch orgasm?
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 26, 2007 1:07 PM GMT
    Chuckmister,

    You sound just like me. Just last year I was the worst dress , sloppy , fat, none performing worker. But something click in me ,
    (maybe some mid life crises) to change. I start losing weight, be very concious with look, fashion concious...I even dye my gray hair! I used to dress as a guy in his 50's (despite I am 41) , nowaday I prefer a more younger , macho, masculine...like black leather, sporty, tight jeans/t shirt even junkie stuff, like those sterling steel chain.
    Last time I bought myself a Harvey Davidson, biker t shirt , together with the cap, and thick sterling steel chain.

    People at work start saying I look good. I wish I have done this years ago.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 1:17 PM GMT
    I think if someone offends you, you have the right to just tell them that they are out of line. May make you seem a bit of an a**hole, but really, who cares

    If someone is asking about your abs and dick size, tell them "that information is reserved for the person who will be using them."

    I get comments all the time on various body parts and I just don't tolerate it. Granted, most people think I'm a jerk, but if that's their way of relating to me, I really could care less...

    That said, if a really cute guy asks, I might tease him a bit. but even that is few and far between. I know most of the men in my neighborhood or who I see regularly, and there's really no one of any great interest

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 5:46 PM GMT
    lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 5:58 PM GMT
    "'Looking mighty good guy!! Love the beard and the bulge in the pants!!! Hope to chat dome time.'"

    That's insulting? That's just flirtation.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 7:33 PM GMT
    Is "dome time" some sexual euphemism I should know about???
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    Jul 26, 2007 10:15 PM GMT
    This thread is really making me think about things, as I've been just now starting to dip the toe into the dating pool, and it's the ideas that so many have been bringing up about focusing on who a guy is and not what he is physically that I'm looking for now. I would think that the guys who you meet who are just interested in penis size are really not ready to date, but are on the prowl and using the guise of dating to try to get into some guys pants.

    I'm also one where if there's no connection with a guy, sex is pretty empty. Granted, nature calls (or sometimes screams) for you to connect up physically with someone, but if you can do that in a respectful way that honors everyone, it's a much better outcome for all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 10:46 PM GMT
    Obscenewish - Not insulting at all, I have probably never been insulted in my entire life. It was more useless. It was flirtation, but not with any substance or style, the guy probably typed the message entirely with his penis. It didn't even feel like he wrote a message to me, just sent me the same thing he writes to everyone, hoping someone will bite. I'm not asking people write me poetry, or not flirt, I'm asking that they at least put some thought into it.

    As far as dome time, I figured it was some kind of thunderdome thing: two man enter, one man leave.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 10:56 PM GMT
    Ok, now hold on just a minute. I only read a couple of replies to the original post, but I had to make a comment here.

    The picture is just the outer wrapping. Kind of like a candy bar wrapper. Great picture, enticing logo, perhaps things about the wrapper with which you can identify -- it draws you to what's inside the wrapper. It makes you want to open it up and taste the candy bar. So what are you going to do, ignore the wrapper???? D U M B !!!

    You buy the candy bar and sample it. You look for the different flavors, the way they combine, the textures, etc. That's what makes a candy bar worth the buck you spent for it.

    It's the same way with people. You see someone who looks nice, you tell them so. It's a compliment. Maybe there's something which really clicks with you. For me, sometimes it's black hair and blue eyes. Maybe it's the smile. Maybe the guy is just totally hot.

    Just because I say these things doesn't mean that I'm not interested in him as a person. As far as I'm concerned, (and I've said this before) I've known guys who were totally hot looking, but real duds on the inside, and they totally turn me off. I've known guys who were not that good looking, but have great personalities and really turn me on. I've met a few online here.

    NRG is one of the guys I think is really hot, but ask him about our conversations. Ask him what I've told him and what my opinions are. He just happens to be one of the guys who seems to have it all, and what's on the inside means more to me than what's on the outside, because baby, the outsides get shabby as we get older.

    So screw you guys who can't take a compliment with graciousness (by the way NRG took it with GREAT graciousness).

    On the other hand, I'm NOT about to ask a guy about his abs and dick. That's just poor taste. Now and again, if I REALLY like someone, I ask if they mind showing me their personal pics. Or it may be that I'm fascinated with their personal physical development. It's NEVER to just jerk off, and frankly, I would be totally insulted by anyone even suggesting that. I really love the male body. It's beautiful to me. I'm gay, what can I say???
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2007 11:03 PM GMT
    Oh, and LaSalle, you ARE a very handsome young man - never be ashamed of that. But that's not ALL that you are. Those guys who equate you, as a person, to a dick and abs are missing out on the best part of you, and YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT. That's objectifying, and women have fought that for decades. The best guy that you can get is one who works his way into your soul, searching, exploring every nook and cranny of your character and personality. They may not always be the best looking guys, but they will be well worth getting to know.

    There, I've tiraded just about enough for today. I'm going to the beach (Long Beach, Washington) for the weekend with my son's family, and I'm gonna have a blast with my grandson building sandcastles. Hope you all have a GREAT weekend.

    Steve