Gay depressed, suicidal teen...

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    Jan 10, 2012 9:25 PM GMT
    Below is a bit of short story I've written...it's partially auto-biographical, with some fictional elements thrown. I've attempted to make some of it darkly humorous....it's just a rough draft (so don't be too harsh)!

    Basically, what d'ya think? icon_biggrin.gif

    SHORT STORY:

    The thing is, you don’t suddenly realise, it’s a realisation process; you’ve always known, you just never quite put a word to it. You assume you’re like everyone else, well I say ‘assume’ – you know that you’re not like the rest of the crowd, but at the time, you convince yourself that you are. (Human nature I guess.) Everyone copes with it in different ways (or as those irritating psychologists like to call it – in their high pitched, borderline patronising and squeaky voice – ‘coping strategies’; they say it whilst smiling, staring intently at you whilst writing something down on their clip-board in a scratchy-scratchy manner with those bloody loud biro, thing Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest yet without the electro-shock therapy.)

    Anyway, where was I? – oh yeah, coping strategies...Sooo...some people just ignore their problems, whilst others just accept it like that. But not me, I did things ‘differently’, you see self-harming’s different, it’s like ‘alternative therapy’, very err ‘edgy’...(and yes you’re supposed to laugh at that.) Sorry about the ‘black humour’ (actually no, I’m not sorry). When you go through shit, you have to laugh at things. It’s natural. It’s our way of getting over shit, some would say it’s ignoring it, I would say it was satirising my problems, I would mock the knife, mock the serated edge...but then I’d go back to it again and draw blood; then I’d mock myself self-harming and then I’d self-harm again!

    Good old ‘human nature’.

    So, anyway, there’s me, I’m around 13, I realise I’m gay. I didn’t choose to be this way, and anyone who claims that I did doesn’t understand how human biology works. Why would I chose to face shit everyday? Why would I chose something which has caused internal struggle and grief? Why would I chose something which made me hate myself for around two-and-a-half-years. Not to mention, at night times, Narnia gets fucking freezing.

    Anyway, I’m rambling and going off-topic, first I was talking about knives, and then I was talking about Narnia (as you do).
    But yeah, it was tough. Aged 13, you realise you’re not like everyone else, you begin to hate yourself, begin to hate the fact that you don’t like girls, that you don’t get aroused by them, it angers you, it irritates you, and you hate the fact that you like guys, you hate the fact that you like something. It’s a bit like the moment in The Exorcist: Linda Blair on her bed screaming ‘get it out of me, get it out of me!’ So yeah, being gay is a bit like the most controversial horror movie ever made – albeit the head-twisting, projectile vomiting, and punching priests-cum-exorcists in the face.
    When I first realised, I thought it was just a phase, that it would go away, perhaps it was to do with puberty...but it didn’t go away, it stayed there, and it’s still here. At the time it felt like a curse. I hated myself for it, I blamed myself for it even though it wasn’t my fault. Even though I was never religious, I prayed to God. At times when you’re most desperate – even the most extreme of atheists would pray to God (imagine Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens putting their hands together). But, it didn’t work. It never worked. If you’re reading this, and you’re religious, I’m sorry, but in my opinion there is no God. If he couldn’t help me, if he couldn’t change me, make me like everyone else, then he’s not there, after all, he didn’t answer back. That night I changed. I wasn’t the happy, bright, blue-eyed boy that I once was, I’d lost may faith, perhaps even my hope, I became more and more cynical as time itself slipped past. But it wasn’t just because of my sexuality, it was because of the bullying. I was the weak kid, the last one to get picked when it came to PE (hence why I later skived PE...’cos I’m so rebellious...mwohahahaha), I was also a loner, I didn’t talk to anyone, I was wrapped up in my own world, my own little bubble, nobody wanted to talk to me no matter how hard I tried, so I gave up; eventually, I didn’t want to talk to them. I used to self-harm occasionally when I felt sad, it was very irrational, but as I got to my GCSE years, I found different ‘alternative therapies’: (read the following line in a light-hearted and high-pitched voice) there was bashing your head against a wall, strangling yourself, and if all else failed...using a belt to hang yourself with. Life is shit, isn’t it?

    So there was me, 3 years later, I was now around 15 or 16. I hadn’t developed a ‘friend’ in around 6 years, I was a bit like the main character from Albert Camus The Outsider (albeit the bit where his mum dies and he forgets what date his mum actually died on). It was all very depressing, and sometimes I blamed myself, but then again I remembered the highly important fact to consider: you can’t make friends with a bunch of arrogant, pompous arseholes. It really is that simple.

    And then I got hit with a hockey-stick (oh well, that’s arrogant, pompous arseholes for you!)
    I became more and more irratic by the minute. I’m off school for a month. Another month later I have counselling.
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    Jan 10, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    Basically....what you liked/didn't like about it? How it felt for you in an emotional sense, did you like its writing style?

    ...and - more importantly - how it could be improved...

    Thanks! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 10, 2012 11:26 PM GMT
    Now that I've read it I think I should give you feedback, but it's so damned hard.

    You call it a short story, but to me it reads more like an essay, or like the introduction to a character in a book, because nothing actually happens, no story there.
    The jump to 15/16 years is quite abrupt and unexplained. How did you/he survive from 13 onward?
    I don't understand the references to Narnia and Camus, but I didn't even see the movies and it might be almost 30 years that I read l'etranger in French, so never knew much about it in the first place.
    Is the story really supposed to end where it ends right now?
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    Jan 11, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    My dear deeley: Your being gay is a wonderful gift. You are among a small number that is specially blessed, to experience & enjoy things that others cannot. And to contribute to society as others will never do.

    But as if in some classical mythology, your gift comes at a price. Nothing is free. For every advantage you have as a gay man, you surrender something else, that straights value.

    Gay men rack themselves over the straight things they don't have, and over society's often negative judgment & attitude. But gays often overlook the unique things of value that they do have.

    I sense this is what you are doing. Instead of comparing and rating yourself against the straight world, try appreciating the special treasures that you alone possess.

    You are gay. That was preordained before you first opened your eyes, and nothing will change that, as certain as you are a man, as certain as the color of your eyes & hair. Now maximize what you are, as you are, with no regrets, excuses or apologies.

    You wlll thrive as a gay man. You will falter being anything else. You don't need to be an Uber Gay, a flamer or an over-the-topper. Be true to yourself and you will have great success & happiness. We must all live within a straight world and accommodate it, but when we try to copy & emulate it we fail. I wonder if you have learned that balance yet?
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    Jan 11, 2012 4:59 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidNow that I've read it I think I should give you feedback, but it's so damned hard.

    You call it a short story, but to me it reads more like an essay, or like the introduction to a character in a book, because nothing actually happens, no story there.
    The jump to 15/16 years is quite abrupt and unexplained. How did you/he survive from 13 onward?
    I don't understand the references to Narnia and Camus, but I didn't even see the movies and it might be almost 30 years that I read l'etranger in French, so never knew much about it in the first place.
    Is the story really supposed to end where it ends right now?


    Nahh! It's the introduction, which explains why you may not like it as of yet, as it's very much out of context and perhaps doesn't make sense out of context...the reference to narnia was a joke about being closeted! haha ;D