emotionally unavailable

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    Jan 10, 2012 11:04 PM GMT
    So, I've been casually dating a great guy (7 weeks) and things are going well for the most part. He's the first man I've been excited about in awhile- he's hot, smart, fit, ambitious (focused on career and running marathons for years), and we have a lot in common, we challenge each other and have great chemistry, great sex.

    However, there are a few issues- he lives an hour away, has a job with demanding, irregular hours and show signs of being emotionally unavailable, which is something I was accused of (and probably guilty) in my last LTR. Since then I've grown a bit and am a lot more comfortable sharing feelings and taking risks.

    The signs that concern me- he never wants to sleepover, he's never invited me to his house (he definitely does not have a bf), he doesn't share his feelings and said no one in his family does, hasn't had a relationship in 10 years (beyond 6 weeks- he's 31), he doesn't call or text unprompted, but will email. He doesn't flirt. He said he like spending time with me, is attracted to me, and has always been told he's a hard guy to read, but that he wants to date and an eventual relationship.

    Should I just be patient and see if he opens up more? Or are these signs that this is how is and I'd have to be ok with that. Anyone have experience with a guy like this? It's been bothering me. What would you do?
  • Lincsbear

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    Jan 10, 2012 11:10 PM GMT
    How long have you been dating him? If it`s a few weeks, I`d be patient and see how things develop. If months, that`s more problematical....His lack of a relationship in ten years would concern me.
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    Jan 10, 2012 11:54 PM GMT
    About 7-8 weeks. He lives in a small city where there aren't a lot of dating prospects for him, but he was/is consumed with his business and other things that I think he was ok being single. He found me down here.
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    Jan 11, 2012 1:46 AM GMT
    You look and sound like you'd be quite a catch and you seem to be into him. It's been two months. Although not long, that's long enough. Maybe give him a little bit more time. He'd be dumb if he doesn't start showing more interest in you soon though.
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    Jan 11, 2012 1:49 AM GMT
    8 weeks is a very short time. And my personal opinion is that gay guys give up way too quickly if the checklist isn't satisfied. If you really like him, I would give it at least 6 months. By that point you should know him well enough to just raise the conversation candidly and make a better decision.
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    Jan 11, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    How did you two meet? Did you have sex on the first date/early on? I think you should look at how you got to where you are with him in this relationship. If it started as purely physical then that's probably what he thinks it will continue to be or is comfortable just keeping it that way.

    Bottom line: its been 2 months. You have every right to ask for some kind of definition of what you two have together and where its going/where he wants it to go.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    For some reason, I don't think it's a big deal that he's not emotional. Especially if he's a Mainer (I see you're in NE). He tells you he cares, he's faithful, and you two have so much going for you. Even if he doesn't open up more in 2 months, or ever, it just means that YOU might need to understand HIM more, and how he communicates love and affection. I only say this b/c I've been in relationships where love was shared and communicated in non-conventional ways. It doesn't make it any less than other kinds of love. Just different.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll try to relax. We messed around on the second date. Almost did on the first, but agreed to back off. There's more than just a sexual connection though that's pretty strong. I really like talking to him and we laugh at a lot of the same stuff. He's more conventional that I, but he seems interested in some of the things I'm passionate about.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:38 AM GMT
    he seems introverted...and that he prefers to think over feel. basically, it doesn't sound like doomsday...he is probably just not that emotional.

    stick it out if you have the patience.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:40 AM GMT
    i would give him a temporary chance then move on
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidFor some reason, I don't think it's a big deal that he's not emotional. Especially if he's a Mainer (I see you're in NE). He tells you he cares, he's faithful, and you two have so much going for you. Even if he doesn't open up more in 2 months, or ever, it just means that YOU might need to understand HIM more, and how he communicates love and affection. I only say this b/c I've been in relationships where love was shared and communicated in non-conventional ways. It doesn't make it any less than other kinds of love. Just different.


    Ha, I'm the actual Mainer! Grew up there, but have lived out of state since high school. He's from NH. You might be right. New Englanders are not known for being outwardly emotional. I'm reserved and fit that pattern to some extent.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:46 AM GMT
    brueges said
    huhwhat saidFor some reason, I don't think it's a big deal that he's not emotional. Especially if he's a Mainer (I see you're in NE). He tells you he cares, he's faithful, and you two have so much going for you. Even if he doesn't open up more in 2 months, or ever, it just means that YOU might need to understand HIM more, and how he communicates love and affection. I only say this b/c I've been in relationships where love was shared and communicated in non-conventional ways. It doesn't make it any less than other kinds of love. Just different.


    Ha, I'm the actual Mainer! Grew up there, but have lived out of state since high school. He's from NH. You might be right. New Englanders are not known for being outwardly emotional. I'm reserved and fit that pattern to some extent.


    yeah. you need to read myers briggs personality theory. people think i'm like...emotionally constipated because i don't gush over someone i just start dating and i'm not overly affectionate (at least in the beginning). it has nothing to do with how i feel about the person..it's just how i'm wired. reading what you wrote about him, it really seems like me...and i think you're going to make inroads with him if you illustrate to him that you understand him.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:47 AM GMT
    There are a lot of things to think about. Maybe he really likes you but is a bit afraid to open up after such a long period of time between relationships. Its just a thought I had.

    I agree with the others who say give it a little more time. I would say if he doesn't come around after a while, then you have all the right to talk about with him. Keep in mind to be opened to that he just may handle his relationships differently as what "huhwhat" stated before.

    Both of you deserve to be happy.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    brueges said
    huhwhat saidFor some reason, I don't think it's a big deal that he's not emotional. Especially if he's a Mainer (I see you're in NE). He tells you he cares, he's faithful, and you two have so much going for you. Even if he doesn't open up more in 2 months, or ever, it just means that YOU might need to understand HIM more, and how he communicates love and affection. I only say this b/c I've been in relationships where love was shared and communicated in non-conventional ways. It doesn't make it any less than other kinds of love. Just different.


    Ha, I'm the actual Mainer! Grew up there, but have lived out of state since high school. He's from NH. You might be right. New Englanders are not known for being outwardly emotional. I'm reserved and fit that pattern to some extent.


    Well, I had a single parent growing up, and I was never hugged or told "I love you" or any of those things. We never even talked, and still don't really. But I know I was loved, in our own way. Just don't want you to lose something that could be great - maybe this is something you both can learn from each other. And yeah, alot of New Englanders just don't show big emotions, or any emotions, lol. But they're still there.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    Is he an engineer?

    All kidding aside my BF doesn't put a lot "out there" either. I have learned to "read" him over time, and it has been worth it. I'm not sure what to say about him not wanting to spend the night or invite you to his place. Maybe that will come with time. Is it possible that he's somewhat insecure about where he lives?
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    closer85 said
    brueges said
    huhwhat saidFor some reason, I don't think it's a big deal that he's not emotional. Especially if he's a Mainer (I see you're in NE). He tells you he cares, he's faithful, and you two have so much going for you. Even if he doesn't open up more in 2 months, or ever, it just means that YOU might need to understand HIM more, and how he communicates love and affection. I only say this b/c I've been in relationships where love was shared and communicated in non-conventional ways. It doesn't make it any less than other kinds of love. Just different.


    Ha, I'm the actual Mainer! Grew up there, but have lived out of state since high school. He's from NH. You might be right. New Englanders are not known for being outwardly emotional. I'm reserved and fit that pattern to some extent.


    yeah. you need to read myers briggs personality theory. people think i'm like...emotionally constipated because i don't gush over someone i just start dating and i'm not overly affectionate (at least in the beginning). it has nothing to do with how i feel about the person..it's just how i'm wired. reading what you wrote about him, it really seems like me...and i think you're going to make inroads with him if you illustrate to him that you understand him.


    Thanks. I actually asked him if he knew his MBTI type- he didn't know his. I find that stuff interesting. I'm an INTJ but have consciously worked on becoming more emotionally in tune with myself and others. I'll see if I can make it work unless it becomes not fun.
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    Jan 11, 2012 2:56 AM GMT
    brueges saidSo, I've been casually dating a great guy (7 weeks) and things are going well for the most part. He's the first man I've been excited about in awhile- he's hot, smart, fit, ambitious (focused on career and running marathons for years), and we have a lot in common, we challenge each other and have great chemistry, great sex.

    However, there are a few issues- he lives an hour away, has a job with demanding, irregular hours and show signs of being emotionally unavailable, which is something I was accused of (and probably guilty) in my last LTR. Since then I've grown a bit and am a lot more comfortable sharing feelings and taking risks.

    The signs that concern me- he never wants to sleepover, he's never invited me to his house (he definitely does not have a bf), he doesn't share his feelings and said no one in his family does, hasn't had a relationship in 10 years (beyond 6 weeks- he's 31), he doesn't call or text unprompted, but will email. He doesn't flirt. He said he like spending time with me, is attracted to me, and has always been told he's a hard guy to read, but that he wants to date and an eventual relationship.

    Should I just be patient and see if he opens up more? Or are these signs that this is how is and I'd have to be ok with that. Anyone have experience with a guy like this? It's been bothering me. What would you do?



    Shady shady shady
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    Jan 11, 2012 3:03 AM GMT
    brueges said
    closer85 said
    brueges said
    huhwhat saidFor some reason, I don't think it's a big deal that he's not emotional. Especially if he's a Mainer (I see you're in NE). He tells you he cares, he's faithful, and you two have so much going for you. Even if he doesn't open up more in 2 months, or ever, it just means that YOU might need to understand HIM more, and how he communicates love and affection. I only say this b/c I've been in relationships where love was shared and communicated in non-conventional ways. It doesn't make it any less than other kinds of love. Just different.


    Ha, I'm the actual Mainer! Grew up there, but have lived out of state since high school. He's from NH. You might be right. New Englanders are not known for being outwardly emotional. I'm reserved and fit that pattern to some extent.


    yeah. you need to read myers briggs personality theory. people think i'm like...emotionally constipated because i don't gush over someone i just start dating and i'm not overly affectionate (at least in the beginning). it has nothing to do with how i feel about the person..it's just how i'm wired. reading what you wrote about him, it really seems like me...and i think you're going to make inroads with him if you illustrate to him that you understand him.


    Thanks. I actually asked him if he knew his MBTI type- he didn't know his. I find that stuff interesting. I'm a strong INTJ but have consciously worked on becoming more emotionally in tune with myself and others. I'll see if I can make it work unless it becomes not fun.


    no way!! i'm a weak INTJ. strong on the introversion and thinking...weaker on the intuition and the judging...and i'm the same way...i've worked really hard to be emotionally intelligent. however, if emotional intelligence is a class, i'd probably be a C- student haha

    myers-briggs is not a crock. it's not 100% predictive...no one's claiming it is...but it really does help guide interpersonal relationships.

  • Jan 11, 2012 3:06 AM GMT
    It sounds exactly like what I had with my last ex. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to get through to him. Finally, in three months, he said that "the chemistry wasn't right", and that was the end of it. There was a monolith of a wall in the way of our communication that I could never get around. I'm not saying though that this is what's in store for you, just sharing my experience.
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    Jan 11, 2012 3:12 AM GMT
    jpBITCHva said
    closer85 saidmyers-briggs is not a crock. it's not 100% predictive...no one's claiming it is...but it really does help guide interpersonal relationships.

    Like most psychobabble, Meyer-Briggs takes the place of actual thinking and analysis. It seems more intelligent than astrology, but it has exactly as much value.


    But that's the thing...it's not saying "you get this score so you are this," it says "these are your dominant preferences...here's a guideline for how you can be..." and more importantly how you come off to other people.

    *shrug*. it's only my opinion, though. i think it's way more beneficial than astrology though.
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    Jan 11, 2012 3:21 AM GMT
    closer85 said
    jpBITCHva said
    closer85 saidmyers-briggs is not a crock. it's not 100% predictive...no one's claiming it is...but it really does help guide interpersonal relationships.

    Like most psychobabble, Meyer-Briggs takes the place of actual thinking and analysis. It seems more intelligent than astrology, but it has exactly as much value.


    But that's the thing...it's not saying "you get this score so you are this," it says "these are your dominant preferences...here's a guideline for how you can be..." and more importantly how you come off to other people.

    *shrug*. it's only my opinion, though. i think it's way more beneficial than astrology though.


    Hmm... any psychology majors here on RJ care to weigh in on this? I used to lean more toward the psychobabble view but a prospective employer asked me to take it as a means to see if I would fit in with the rest of the office/team dynamic (kind weird, huh?)

    /threadhijacked
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    Jan 11, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    carolinablue said
    closer85 said
    jpBITCHva said
    closer85 saidmyers-briggs is not a crock. it's not 100% predictive...no one's claiming it is...but it really does help guide interpersonal relationships.

    Like most psychobabble, Meyer-Briggs takes the place of actual thinking and analysis. It seems more intelligent than astrology, but it has exactly as much value.


    But that's the thing...it's not saying "you get this score so you are this," it says "these are your dominant preferences...here's a guideline for how you can be..." and more importantly how you come off to other people.

    *shrug*. it's only my opinion, though. i think it's way more beneficial than astrology though.


    Hmm... any psychology majors here on RJ care to weigh in on this? I used to lean more toward the psychobabble view but a prospective employer asked me to take it as a means to see if I would fit in with the rest of the office/team dynamic (kind weird, huh?)

    /threadhijacked


    I was not a psych major, but have taken the test a few times, including once for a grad school class that used it to facilitate a group exercise to show how teams might work together. Like closer85 says, it can help guide interpersonal relationships, but it's not predictive. It's definitely helped me understand myself a bit better- strengths and weaknesses. It's helped me relate to my family members a bit better.

    Anyway, thanks guys for all of your input!
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    Jan 11, 2012 4:52 AM GMT

    Michael Franks once sang a song about how love is monkey see monkey do. Open up to him in the ways you want him to. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug


    ..and Joni sang this...

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    Jan 11, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    You didn't mention this. But, if they're not out to their family and never want to be seen in public with you in any way that could indicate a preference, you might have your work cut out for you.

    All humans are different. And, I gave a very special guy who was raised Mormon about four months before I blocked him. We spent a total of three hours together.

    A texting/hookup only relationship... only accept it if that is what you want.
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    Jan 11, 2012 5:04 AM GMT
    brueges saidAbout 7-8 weeks. He lives in a small city where there aren't a lot of dating prospects for him, but he was/is consumed with his business and other things that I think he was ok being single. He found me down here.


    It's only been 7-8 weeks.... if he's emotionally unavailable now, he's unlikely to get MORE emotionally unavailable.

    I say continue to get to know him. Maybe he'll warm up. Continue to let him know that the lines of communication are open......