25yo and need advice from from those of you who HAVE turned your lives around...

  • TJ001

    Posts: 1

    Jan 12, 2012 1:40 AM GMT
    So I'm going to make this as short as possible, even though I could write a novel about how I'm feeling and my life but I know no one will read it.

    First off, I'm going through a horrible time, I've hit 25 and feel like an incredibly huge loser. I've never been in a relationship EVER, never kissed a guy or even held one's hand, and I don't know what's stopped me from killing myself but I think it's some kind of hope that things might change.

    The biggest thing is I have a horrible self-image, I'm overweight (working on that) but I'm also losing my hair. What kills me is I'm 25 and probably look a ton older with my receding hairline, not to mention once I go completely bald in a few years I'm going to look like I'm 40 icon_sad.gif and it makes me so fucking angry that life can be so unfair to people. It's not like I have money or some talent to fall back on. So now even if I went out or made an online profile I'd get denied because guys go for looks. Hey I dont blame them because attraction is what it is, I'd do the same thing if I were them, I just fucking hate how I've gotten the short end of the stick in life.

    So here's what I'd like to know...I watch a YouTube video with this guy giving advice and he said something that stuck with me, he said if you want to change you have to go to people who've changed, so I'm looking for advice from someone who's been in my situation. Of course anyone can contribute their advice (and I will read it all), but I'm really focused on those who've been in my shitty situation and have turned their lives around. How do I NOT GIVE A SHIT and just go out there and "make it happen", I just can't get myself to change. I'm too afraid to do anything, make an online profile, message people, I just feel like a huge fucking loser. Anyone who says "just do it!" doesn't understand.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have you went from some ugly dude to getting into relationships with people you find attractive? How did you develop your MINDSET where when shit gets tough or scary, you can rely on? How do I become like those guys who aren't attractive at all yet have amazing charisma and confidence???

    Thank you so, so much!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    Keep this in mind (it's always helped me):

    You don't have to look at you. Other people do. If they have a problem with it, well, they have a problem. You can either join in the agony, or you can say "well, that's your problem".

    On the other hand, if you want to spend a lot of time looking at and admiring yourself, you'll have to take all the obvious steps to do that without making yourself sick about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:04 AM GMT
    Anonymous friend,

    You are a friend because every one of us here must have felt discriminated against at some point of their lives. A lot of us were bullied at school. I know many who considered suicide at 14, because they felt ugly and useless. Some are left without anyone to talk to because they're gay, and many had to change the country they live in, simply to have normal lives, which heterosexual and heterosexist privileges grant.
    SO YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!

    I won't lie. You're asking for someone who has kind of been in your shoes. I am not, but many were I guess. I can tell you what any reasonable man might tell you to do.

    You can start by REALLY losing weight. If you can afford a gym trainer and a nutritionist go for it! I have been working with both for 2 years now, and they work wonders.

    Consult with a doctor about your hair loss. It might not be too late. I have a friend who started taking a medicine, prescribed by his doctor, and his hair grew back!

    These two have a huge effects on your looks, self confidence, self esteem and relationships. It's a virtuous circle.

    Coming out, revealing your secrets to your family and friends, asking for advice with real people (and not just online) and seeing a psychiatrist will WITOUT A DOUBT reify your understanding of your personality and persona. You might be surprised by how hard you can be on yourself. Sometimes, people hyperbolize their own problems. I know that sharing your secrets and your worries with your friends is a hard thing to do, but it is cathartic. You can only see clearly with the help of other people's eyes and words. Humans are really helpful.

    Go back to you rudimentary life ingredients. Write down a list of your pros and cons. See what you have and be resourceful. You might get a better picture of what's happening around you.
    And most importantly, stop worrying about your future, and start acting in the present.

    Never give up hope!

    Cheers and good luck!



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:08 AM GMT
    You are 25 and have a lot of time in front of you. Work on the weight - it will make u feel more confident, and, if you don't think you look good with a shaved head (a lot of guys look hot), try Rogaine 5% - it helps when you start it at your age and is dirt cheap at Cost Co. I
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    I'll put my two cents in, since it seems you genuinelly need advice. I can somewhat feel what you are going through, though granted it was in high school. But I think what you need to do is stop giving a fuck about what people think and stop thinking people's lives are better than yours.

    First off, don't worry about a love life right now if you know you have issues. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Spending too much time looking for love will only leave you disappointed. Even the hottest guys in the world have relationship issues. Love is something that is not easy on anybody. It takes work. And as RuPaul says "if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?"

    Not everyone is going to like you, learn that. And you will not like everyone. Online, if someone doesn't like me I just curse them out and post funny gif's. But in real life, if someone doesn't like me I stay clear. I don't need any more negativity in my life. So embrace the people that love you and ignore those who don't.

    Second, stop thinking you are worse off than everyone else. I can guarantee you if everyone on here were honest, you would hear some pretty fucked up stories. We all have our demons to work out. Carry yourself with a sense if pride and purpose and people around you will react to that. Being negative will only turn people away. In other words, fake it until you make it.

    And if you really wanna change, post pics and keep a running log. Lots of guys here have transformed themselves. They maybe able to help...

    Good luck!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    Dude workout....get muscles....shave your head...guys like that have a super hot look.

    I personally would not waste my time with propecia or that hair shit....my friend took it and he has serious ED now.

    It is different for everyone but his dick is fucked up now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:13 AM GMT
    I won't even attempt to give all-inclusive advice, because there are a lot of things you can do and directions you can take. But I'd suggest trying to surround yourself with the people you want to be like.

    Obviously we all want to be handsome and fit, but sometimes those things aren't in the genes. Focus on the things that are within your control, and try to find inspirational friends who may be able to offer you some motivation and help along the way. Perhaps they've gone through a similar transformation as you, or perhaps they're sympathetic to your cause.

    Best of luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:21 AM GMT
    What gentlemanhood said icon_smile.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jan 12, 2012 2:21 AM GMT
    When I was 20 I was geeky gay guy living in a backwoods place where it was ok to tie a gay guy to a fence and leave him for dead.

    I was geeky, and everyone in town knew I was gay because I was femme when I was younger. I grew out of it and acted like a man, but nobody bought the act. All that time I thought I was fooling them.

    I aged and took up weight lifting. I now am old enough to be your grandfather, well, older uncle, and I have a body that you would kill to have. I'm muscled, lean and sexy.

    Your body isn't defined at birth. It's defined by what you do with it while you have it.

    Hair loss, meh. There are some really hot guys with shaved heads!

    You don't need a miracle. You just need a personal trainer. I'm not one, in case you're wondering.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:23 AM GMT
    Yeahh go for the shaved head look! Jason Statham!
    icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:30 AM GMT
    Does your self-image problem stem from a self-confidence problem? If so, seek counseling.

    But no one can help you but yourself. YOU have to be ready to change your life. YOU have to know you need change. And you have to know when and where to reach out for help.

    Go to the gym.
    Lose weight and become healthy.
    Work on any emotional/relationship issues with a counselor--BE OPEN!
    Watch YouTube for style tips and dating advice if you wish.


    You can alter your appearance to make yourself hot, sexy, cute, handsome, or just plain average (like me!) I am no model--I have learned to be okay with that and flaunt my personality and intellect instead. But this has to be about making you feel better.

    Seriously, there are some fine looking guys on here! However, some of them can be shallow assholes, and all the trainers, hairstylists, and aestheticians in the world cannot help fix a jackass. Plus many of these guys will not stay hot forever--Time is the great equalizer as everything eventually sags. It is much easier to fix ugly on the outside than the inside.

    btw: Some bald guys are hot! Plus in 10-20 years I'm sure they will have much better treatments.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    In the end it's pretty simple what needs to happen, but putting the effort in to actually do it will be your challenge.

    1. Health. Eat right, exercise hard, transform your body into what you desire but focus on a life change, not just a fix. So to achieve goals start with 12 months to lose weight and get into a daily pattern of exercise.

    2. Mental health. You're your own greatest enemy. You have to love yourself and be confident. This will come from developing the right attitude towards life- forget men for the next 12 months at least, you need to really look after yourself and get your head right before offering it to someone else. Exercise and general well being will assist greatly in this, but you also need to put yourself first- stop worrying about what others think, just know what you have and can offer and build on it.

    3. Realistic goal setting. Every change you make needs to be realistic, in a suitable time-frame so that you can achieve them.

    4. Lastly, confidence. How do you get this? Easy, just make sure you do all the right things to improve yourself then you will know what you can do and where you are going. Join a sports team- this is a must as you need to remain social and a sports team will keep you training and looking forward to the interactions. Pick a team for both winter and summer, even if it is just 10 pin bowling!


    Until you want it bad enough nothing will change. When you make a decision to change your life, however difficult the challenge, you will do it. Watch some inspirational YouTube videos if you must, but it needs to come from within you. After that first long run after you make this decision, you will be tired, sore, but proud.

    I saw something about bullying once that went- see those kids making fun of that fat person? What they don't know is that person just lost 50 pounds and is well on the way to another 50. You can choose to be the victim, or, you can know your capabilities and exceed them. If someone puts you down or gets in your way forget about them and move on knowing you are doing your best.

    In 12-24 months time, get your ass back here for an update.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Jan 12, 2012 2:34 AM GMT
    Get off the drugs, son.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    monet saidGet off the drugs, son.


    And ignore assholes like this. Like I said, tune out the negative and keep on the positive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:38 AM GMT
    Ckfeezy saidWhat gentlemanhood said icon_smile.gif


    See... gay peops support each other icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    read your post bud...all i can say is there are people in hospital beds (that i know personally) with no chance of recovering from their disease (cancer) and are very young...they would give anything, ANYTHING to trade places with you...not everyone is dealt the best hand in life and the grass is always greener...if you are disappointed with yourself or your looks, i recommend you sign up to help people in Hospice who are on their deathbed and it will give you a very different outlook on life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 2:57 AM GMT
    jjmack82 saidread your post bud...all i can say is there are people in hospital beds (that i know personally) with no chance of recovering from their disease (cancer) and are very young...they would give anything, ANYTHING to trade places with you...not everyone is dealt the best hand in life and the grass is always greener...if you are disappointed with yourself or your looks, i recommend you sign up to help people in Hospice who are on their deathbed and it will give you a very different outlook on life.


    Putting it into perspective is one thing, but there is more to it than just looking at people worse off. This person currently has poor self-image and what sounds like long-term depression. Better advice is what he could do to battle these things, not simply contrast them. If you only compared yourself to those worse off, then you are not setting the tone for improvement rather you will become complacent.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    AussieBody said
    jjmack82 saidread your post bud...all i can say is there are people in hospital beds (that i know personally) with no chance of recovering from their disease (cancer) and are very young...they would give anything, ANYTHING to trade places with you...not everyone is dealt the best hand in life and the grass is always greener...if you are disappointed with yourself or your looks, i recommend you sign up to help people in Hospice who are on their deathbed and it will give you a very different outlook on life.


    Putting it into perspective is one thing, but there is more to it than just looking at people worse off. This person currently has poor self-image and what sounds like long-term depression. Better advice is what he could do to battle these things, not simply contrast them. If you only compared yourself to those worse off then you are not setting the tone for improvement rather you will become complacent.


    I agree. The contrast is a rational left-brain argument. It is also an over-simplified argument for many humans.

    But depression and self-image issues thrive on irrational, hard-wried negative thoughts and emotions. It can sometimes take years to completely alter one's thought process.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Jan 12, 2012 3:55 AM GMT
    I have a chart that I devised to track what I eat. It is easy to fill out and whenever I need to lose weight I go back to filling out my chart and the pounds magically slipped away. If I can easily lose weight in my mid 40's after having weight issues for much of my life, then you can in your mid 20's. Start working out with a beginning priority on cardio. Do what you can at first and each workout alternate between adding a minute time-wise or increasing the difficulty. Work out at least 5 times a week. Once you start seeing some progress then add some resistance training, but never go below 3 days of cardio (45 minutes+ each time) a week. The cardio will do WONDERS at making you feel better about yourself. If you want me to email a copy of my tracking chart, just pm your email address to me. Losing weight and exercising will change your whole outlook. Keep us posted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 4:00 AM GMT
    The power of visualization is really great. This advice has been given to me by some of those people who come across as perfect and do everything perfectly and I have started doing the same. It does work if you ask me. Don`t let your thoughts control you, you control your thoughts. Life is tough even if you are born with best looks, designer clothes, perfect beach bodies and silver spoon in your mouth. Emotinal independence is much more important than what we would like to admit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 4:08 AM GMT
    TJ001 saidHave you went from some ugly dude to getting into relationships with people you find attractive? How did you develop your MINDSET where when shit gets tough or scary, you can rely on? How do I become like those guys who aren't attractive at all yet have amazing charisma and confidence???


    380153_267212140009340_100001616684204_7

    This may or may not help you, but ever since a friend sent it to me, I kept this on the back of my mind and that's when shit started getting good for me in life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 4:14 AM GMT
    this site is awesome. take the great advice and thoughts from these men and grab your life by the horns buddy! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 4:23 AM GMT
    Find a hobby. Pursuing a mastery is supposed to be one of the best things to pick your self out of the doldrums.
    Even better if your hobby requires some movement. You could kill two birds with one stone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    TJ001 saidSo I'm going to make this as short as possible, even though I could write a novel about how I'm feeling and my life but I know no one will read it.

    First off, I'm going through a horrible time, I've hit 25 and feel like an incredibly huge loser. I've never been in a relationship EVER, never kissed a guy or even held one's hand, and I don't know what's stopped me from killing myself but I think it's some kind of hope that things might change.

    The biggest thing is I have a horrible self-image, I'm overweight (working on that) but I'm also losing my hair. What kills me is I'm 25 and probably look a ton older with my receding hairline, not to mention once I go completely bald in a few years I'm going to look like I'm 40 icon_sad.gif and it makes me so fucking angry that life can be so unfair to people. It's not like I have money or some talent to fall back on. So now even if I went out or made an online profile I'd get denied because guys go for looks. Hey I dont blame them because attraction is what it is, I'd do the same thing if I were them, I just fucking hate how I've gotten the short end of the stick in life.

    So here's what I'd like to know...I watch a YouTube video with this guy giving advice and he said something that stuck with me, he said if you want to change you have to go to people who've changed, so I'm looking for advice from someone who's been in my situation. Of course anyone can contribute their advice (and I will read it all), but I'm really focused on those who've been in my shitty situation and have turned their lives around. How do I NOT GIVE A SHIT and just go out there and "make it happen", I just can't get myself to change. I'm too afraid to do anything, make an online profile, message people, I just feel like a huge fucking loser. Anyone who says "just do it!" doesn't understand.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have you went from some ugly dude to getting into relationships with people you find attractive? How did you develop your MINDSET where when shit gets tough or scary, you can rely on? How do I become like those guys who aren't attractive at all yet have amazing charisma and confidence???

    Thank you so, so much!!!


    TJ, I am SO sorry. That must be so hard for you. I'm so sorry...you must feel alone...hurt....sad....and maybe even betrayed....I dunno. I'm so sorry. I absolutely love people like you. I think people like you, are people who have so much love to offer the world, and you don't even realize what you're capable of doing.

    TJ, I can relate to a certain degree. I'm a loner myself, and I'll be the first one to admit, it's not easy being a loner sometimes. I yearn for friendship somedays. I yearn for that sense of belonging sometimes, but there was something that has turned my life around and has given me sooo much confidence, I can't even BEGIN to tell you where to begin.

    First of all, I want you to know, you are old enough to make your own decisions and live your own life. I'm not here to tell you what you can, and cannot do. So, just so you and I are clear on that (because people go all wolf on my ass, and I have to get out my grenade launcher to shoot their white asses). So, I've found a lot of peace, a lot of self-appreciation, and a lot of love through Jesus Christ. He gives me this joy of being able to be my true-self: Meditative, Healthy, A PERSON!

    But my confidence is crazy. I've never been so confident before in my life. Whenever someone says I'm stupid, I'm not worth it, you know what I'm talking about, all the stupid shit that people say (people who have no heart, mind you)...and what I simply do is let them talk. I let them talk, and talk, and talk, and I basically let themselves look bad. I'm not gonna sit there and waste time and energy on someone that's just gonna be a douche. I have other things that need time and energy to invest in, and plus, arguing with other people gets you nowhere. One of the reasons why I don't argue over the internet is because, it's like the Special Olympics: Even if you win, you're still stupid. People are jerks, and I don't have a degree in Jerkenomics. You get my point.

    Now, as far as being alone...well, that's my choice. I do not want to be of this world. This world is full of sadness, manipulation, evil, madness, and this world is just plain ugly. It never satisfies the soul, and never will. I want to love and serve the Lord, and ONLY do what He wants me to do. I serve Him, and only Him, who gives me love. I'm not perfect at it, if anything I'm so bad and I do not deserve His love at all, but if there's anything I can do for Him, I try!

    What I am trying to say is, find happiness for yourself. Do not expect other people to give you happiness. Do not expect happiness to be easy to find. Happiness is something that is learned, and it's not something that is learned at a certain age. It is something that you will learn throughout your life. And, as you go through life, there will be certain things that you may not like. If you hit a stumbling block or a road block (something you hate), then don't go towards those things. Stay away from things that make you unhappy. If you find something that makes you happy, go along with that thing...whatever it may be. Sometimes, it'll be hard, sometime's it'll be easy, but regardless of what happens....as long as you're pleased with your life, everything will fall into place. I love you TJ...make a difference bud!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 12, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    I'm 26 and have never had any kind of romantic (OR sexual) relationship or activity with anyone, and to be honest I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one. It sucks though. I'm disablingly shy, I'm kind of boring, I have a receding hairline too... BUT...

    Even though I'm not really done with the depression I've been having the past few years, I think I'm getting much better. Some things that have helped me:

    1. Joining a sports team. In my case it was a Parkour group that gives lessons to people of all levels and physical conditions. I've met some great people that go out of their way to help me stay motivated, including my best friend who, by the way, used to be overweight and got in pretty good shape thanks to Parkour.

    2. Working out regularly. Exercise makes you release endorphins, and it feels great. It also gradually improves your body (especially if you have a good trainer) which will also make you feel better. It also (and I'd say independently) helps improve your body image and your self esteem, and you feel you're doing something REAL, something PHYSICAL to change your current situation.

    3. Putting order in other aspects of my life. I realized I had way to many open loops, piles of stuff around my room, a really messy closet (in both senses), unfinished and unstarted projects, friendships stuck in limbo, messy finances, spilling inbox with unanswered email, lots of trash in my computer... you get the point. I've started putting things in order (with the help of Getting Things Done, an interesting book), and the effect it's had is pretty cool. If you have this kind of mess, give it a try. Of course it won't magically fix your life, but it helps quite a bit with the "feeling like a loser" thing. It makes you feel more in control. At least it helped me.

    4. I haven't started yet, but I'm about to start seeing a therapist. I think at least talking to a real person about my negative feelings might help. I'm going to go to a Logotherapist, because I have good references, but also because I heard their approach is more proactive and less analytic. Don't take my word for it, though.

    I hope what I said helps a little. I hope things start getting better for you. And I hope our crappy romantic situation improves soon icon_neutral.gificon_biggrin.gif .