Joke thread

  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 12, 2012 9:58 AM GMT
    RJ needs laughter.

    A foot is talking to a dick saying "I have the worst life and it is toughest being my body part." "They put me in shoes and socks and walk with me, run with me and I have to carry the weight of the whole body!" The dick says "quit complaning, that's nothing!!" They make me wear a rubber rain suit that is way too tight for me and I have to go into a hot, dark cave and do push ups till I puke!!!!!!!!!!"icon_smile.gif

    your turn- next
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    Jan 12, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?


    A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


    Edit, not mine, I stole that off the internet. (The joke, not the erection)
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    Jan 12, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    OH man...I can never remember jokes... but I am bumping this thread to get some more participants!
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    Jan 12, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    Prince Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night
    Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

    Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.'

    Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.

    'Harder' yelled Camilla.

    'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

    'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.

    Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'



    In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

    Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' .
    At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

    ///// an oldie but a goodie /////
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    Jan 12, 2012 3:31 PM GMT
    There is a gay couple, straight couple and lesbian couple living in a house. There is a fire, who gets out first?


    The gay couple, their shits all ready packed.
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    Jan 12, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

    First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

    Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

    The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

    ===========================================================

    One night two guys were having sex in their bedroom. The guy fucking the other guy is about to cum when the phone rings. He gets up, and as he is walking out of the room, he says "Don't cum until I get back."

    Soon after he hung up, he returns to the bedroom to find his boyfriend lying on cum-soaked bedsheets.

    "Hey, I thought I told you not to cum until I got back?!?"

    His boyfriend says, "I didn't, I farted."
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    Jan 12, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    these are like the driest jokes ive heard, i think you guys need a glass of water
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    Jan 12, 2012 4:00 PM GMT
    archon saidthese are like the driest jokes ive heard, i think you guys need a glass of water

    Haven't heard yours yet so kwicherbitching.
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    Jan 12, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    bigeasydude said
    archon saidthese are like the driest jokes ive heard, i think you guys need a glass of water

    Haven't heard yours yet so kwicherbitching.


    i just said mineicon_razz.gif
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    Jan 12, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    archon saidthese are like the driest jokes ive heard, i think you guys need a glass of water


    your turn
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    Jan 12, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    archon said
    bigeasydude said
    archon saidthese are like the driest jokes ive heard, i think you guys need a glass of water

    Haven't heard yours yet so kwicherbitching.


    i just said mineicon_razz.gif

    Oh. Oh? OH! Oh........hmmmmm.

    next....
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    Jan 12, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    Alpha_Muscle said
    archon saidthese are like the driest jokes ive heard, i think you guys need a glass of water


    your turn


    that was the joke lolicon_lol.gif
  • errol88

    Posts: 365

    Jan 12, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    Why are BMWs so expensive?






    Because the Germans don't want Jews to buy them.
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    Jan 12, 2012 4:37 PM GMT
    A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

    "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked.

    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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    Jan 12, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    Women's Rights...
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    Jan 12, 2012 5:09 PM GMT
    A guy in a motorcycle runs over a woman on the street. Who's fault is it?

    The woman, she should have been in the kitchen...icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif

    tell-my-wife-to-get-back-in-the-kitchen.
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    Jan 12, 2012 5:16 PM GMT
    What do you call a lesbian with longer than average fingers?


    Well-Hung icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2012 5:19 PM GMT
    DEKIRUMAN saidWhat do you call a lesbian with longer than average fingers?


    Well-Hung icon_cool.gif


    deki go buy yourself a bottle of water, that's how dry you're joke isicon_confused.gif
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    Jan 12, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    Guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "$500 prize for the best pet trick." He turns around and walks out.
    He comes back an hour later carrying a stick and walking with an alligator on a leash. He puts the gator up on a table and says "Open your mouth," hits it with the stick and the gator opens its mouth.
    The man unzips his pants, puts his dick in the gator's mouth, says "Close your mouth," and hits the gator with the stick.
    The gator closes its mouth, and he waits 5 minutes with his dick in the gator's mouth.
    Then he says "Open your mouth" and hits the gator on the head with the stick, so the gator opens its mouth. He removes his dick, puts it back in his pants and says loudly to everybody in the bar, "Do you any of you have the guts to try that?"


    It's quiet until one guy sitting at the bar raises his hand and says, "I will as long as you promise not to hit me with the stick."

    Archon, a glass of water, please
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    Jan 12, 2012 7:07 PM GMT
    Some of these jokes are funny icon_lol.gifbecause they are not funny.
  • Voice22

    Posts: 79

    Jan 12, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    What kind of Bees make milk instead of honey?

    ..... BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Jan 12, 2012 7:18 PM GMT
    What's Asian, Black and White all at the same time?



    A panda.


    This shall end all racial discrimination.
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    Jan 12, 2012 7:19 PM GMT
    I know a racist joke that pokes fun at french, jews, africans and arabs... (prolly a french joke)... is that appropriate here?
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    Jan 12, 2012 7:35 PM GMT
    uberick saidWhat's Asian, Black and White all at the same time?



    A panda.


    This shall end all racial discrimination.



    I think that is cute. I will remember that one.
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    Jan 12, 2012 9:03 PM GMT
    Dog Whisperer: "That your dog?"

    Old Farmer: "Yep."

    Dog Whisperer: "Mind if I speak to him?"

    Old Farmer: "Dog don’t talk."

    Dog Whisperer: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doin' all right."

    Old Farmer: (Look of shock!)

    Dog Whisperer: "Is this Old Farmer your owner?" (Pointing at the Old Farmer...)

    Dog: "Yep."

    Dog Whisperer: "How's he treating you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

    Old Farmer: (Look of total disbelief!)

    Dog Whisperer: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Old Farmer: "Horse don’t talk."

    Dog Whisperer: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Old Farmer: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Dog Whisperer: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Old Farmer...)

    Horse: "Yep."

    Dog Whisperer: "How's he treating you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

    Old Farmer: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)

    Dog Whisperer: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Old Farmer: "Sheep lies."