I really need some advice!

  • Vordhosbn

    Posts: 38

    Jun 22, 2008 3:53 AM GMT
    OK, so I've been dating this guy for about three months now. It's been pretty intense and we've been spending nearly every night together. I should also mention I work with him, although not in the same department.

    The problem is this: I don't trust him! I've had past relationships and never had this problem before. I find myself to be a trusting kind of guy. My last boyfriend, however, cheated on me. I went to his appartment unannounced and found that he had another dude in his bedroom. His excuse was that the guy offered him 500 dollars. I never asked who it was, as I thought it was unimportant. He was very remorseful and cried for days. I never doubted, despite the fact him cheating on me, that he loved me. In fact, I still trusted him after that and knew that he wouldn't do it again.

    Now I'm in this new relationship and for some reason, I'm extraordinarily paranoid that he's lying to me. I saw him kiss a DJ on the shoulder the other week. I talked to him about this, saying how it upset me, all in a calm and concerned manner. He told me that the guy had broken up with his boyfriend and was feeling vulnerable, and that he, my boyfriend, is an affectionate person, which is true. I let it go and felt that I only imagined it being more because I was looking for it. Now, these insecurities and doubts are growing more and more.

    The other night, he was talking to a friend on chat, while I was in the room. And his friend sent him pictures of himself, which were hot to say the least. I asked him why he sent him such revealing pictures and he said it was 'cause he's a model and that they often share pictures. Well, they were webcam pics! He mentioned something about his portfolio and I'm sorry, webcam pics just doesn't fit that criteria.

    This morning I did something I probably shouldn't have done. I spent the night at his house last night. I have weekends off and he had to go to work at 11AM today. So I stayed in bed and slept in while he went to work. I woke up and hour later and logged on to his computer. I looked in his chat archive and noticed that the chat was rather innocent even though this hot friend of his told him, "I'm horny, must be you!" and sent him revealing pics. I looked for more archived pics and saw a conversation he had with someone which invoved him, my boyfriend, trying to cam with some guy online, which was a week and half ago, one of the nights we didn't spend together. Then I decided to look at his web history and noticed he was frequenting Adam4Adam.com for quite a while!

    Although I feel he didn't cheat, I feel like he will. He's very affectionate with me and other than this, things seem fine and very intimate. We've already started using the "L-word". I know I shouldn't have done what I did. I feel ridiculous for doing it. It's totally an invasion of his privacy. I've never done anything like this before. Please spare me the grief of making me feel guilty for this, cause I already am. Now, I'm not sure what to do. We've been talking about moving in together!

    I feel like I have an intense intuition, something I've had for a very long time. I can sense things. I don't know if this is a result of my past relationship or of this is truly my intuition telling me something. I can't move in with someone I don't trust, obviously, so I'm going to have to let him know I'm reconsidering. I can't tell him I looked at his chat and web history... I don't know what to do really. I'm at my place and he will be over sometime around 2AM. He's working in the Hamptons with a bunch of other very attractive guys. This makes me somewhat worried. I have never EVER been like this with any other relationship and it's killing me that I'm so worried all the time that he's going to sleep with someone else.

    I almost what to end things with him and cut my losses now, but I don't want to make any drastic decisions based on feelings. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.

    Thank you.
  • dcarm

    Posts: 291

    Jun 22, 2008 1:30 PM GMT
    You may be taking stuff out of your past relationship and projecting.

    I'm quite concerned though that you "don't want to make any drastic decisions based on feelings". You're talking about a romantic relationship. That's very much defined by feelings.

    Have you always been concerned? Is it a recent thing?

    How much time have you spent together vs apart?
    Sometimes (particularly early in a relationship) you really need to spend time apart to recenter yourself and figure out what's really going on.

    Is it worth saying something like you rationally know that he's going to be faithful, but that at the moment, considering your last boyfriend, you're feeling a bit oversensitive to certain borderline behaviours (eg the DJ and the picture swapping)? If he understands where you're coming from with that, he'll hopefully curtail said activities until you feel more comfortable with them. The rational/emotional divide can be a big problem, and lots of people understand the idea.

    Don't keep tabs on his online movements. Ignoring any right/wrong issues, you may take his actions out of context, particularly if you're predisposed to the idea. It's also making you feel guilty, which is just adding negativity to a negative situation.
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    Jun 22, 2008 1:39 PM GMT
    I think you already know the answer.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Jun 22, 2008 2:00 PM GMT
    Your paranoia and invading his privacy by spying on his computer shows some serious insecurity which will likely drive him away much sooner than another guy will. My advice: Get a handle on this suspicion and insecurity and be confident that your guy is with YOU because he wants to be. That confidence will keep him there, because nothing is more attractive than a guy with confidence. The flip-side is that there is nothing less attractive than a guy who lacks confidence and is so sure his boyfriend is going to cheat on him that he checks up on him.
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    Jun 22, 2008 2:01 PM GMT
    I think that Runinthecity is right. You already know the answer.

    I think that intuition, emotions and feelings are very telling. Many times we ignore these signals and signs when we shouldn't. I feel that the moment rationalization takes over and we start to regard our thinking over our feeling it could be trouble. Personally, the times that I have ignored my feelings and what my heart said (therefore, listening to my head) are the times that I have gotten myself into trouble.

    Besides, if this is how you feel about this guy then the relationship is already in jeopardy. Trust is one of the most important, if not the most important factor in a relationship. By not trusting this man you have put he and the relationship in a precarious position.

    I wish you well and good luck.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 22, 2008 2:06 PM GMT
    I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend. You should lay out what your expectations are and make sure you and he are on the same page. Maybe you aren't ready for this kind of relationship right now.
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    Jun 22, 2008 2:17 PM GMT
    Isn't it kind of early -- after just 3 months of dating -- to be talking about "love" and expecting monogamy? How in the world can you even be talking about moving in with someone you've known only 12 weeks?

    You're still just getting to know one another. It would concern me if, at 3 months, you'd already established "rules" for your relationship. So, the issue here seems to me to be more about control and possessiveness than anything else.

    I don't know your history, of course, but, judging from your profile, I wonder if you don't have a tendency to take up with needy types.


  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Jun 22, 2008 2:35 PM GMT
    Maybe you need to try some couples counseling, if you really think there is a future together...icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2008 2:54 PM GMT

    DUMP HIM!

    It's not your fault you have been blessed with keen senses.

    You love him. Can I ask, when you say you love him, do you mean you love him or love his sex?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2008 3:00 PM GMT
    I don't think you are ready for a relationship. You have been dating three months now and already you are sneaking into his private information and being paranoid. Also, it doesn't sound like you haven't set ground rules in the relationship. A kiss on the shoulder may be outrageous to you but perfectly acceptable to him, trading webcam pics ok with him not with you. How can he behave when you don't talk about how to behave?

    Take some time off from dating and work on your issues.
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    Jun 22, 2008 3:04 PM GMT
    It's early in the relationship at the moment so why don't you have a nice dinner together and let it all out!

    Don't over react though give it a chance remember you both have a past?
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    Jun 22, 2008 4:49 PM GMT
    DON"T MOVE IN TOGETHER!!! ... make sure you guys trust each other and the communication is cool before that. i am a cancer, so how i feel is very important. don't disregard your gut.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Jun 22, 2008 4:50 PM GMT
    Ah, homos - keeping UHaul in business as my buddy says, lol.

    C'mon, 3 months? If you're having trust issues, give it more time and don't be so invasive. As stated above, being predisposed to finding certain types of information typically makes it rather easy to 'connect the dots' and really screws with your mind, not to mention your relationship. If you don't trust him, but DO like him, then give him time to prove to you (in the little ways, the ones that really count) that YOU are the guy he wants to be with.
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    Jun 22, 2008 5:14 PM GMT
    Vordhosbn saidOK, so I've been dating this guy for about three months now.... I went to his apartment unannounced and found that he had another dude in his bedroom. His excuse was that the guy offered him 500 dollars. I never asked who it was, as I thought it was unimportant. He was very remorseful and cried for days. I never doubted, despite the fact him cheating on me, that he loved me. In fact, I still trusted him after that and knew that he wouldn't do it again.


    Let me get this straight...

    you were upset that your boyfriend cheated on you, but not upset that, worse, he cheated on you for $500 like some kind of prostitute? Still you trusted him afterwards? Dude, you have some serious self-worth issues, and until you value yourself no one else is going to either.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jun 22, 2008 5:25 PM GMT
    I have to agree with RunintheCity and Oscenewish...things seems a bit early to be at such an intense place in this dating relationship...at 12 weeks...this should be fun and carefree...let the work come later for goodness sake...

    and I think you are on to something:

    1. You are not ready for this type of relationship due to past baggage.

    2. This guy isn't ready for this type of relationship so early.

    Trust your 'gut'...don't over analyze the situation...you know what to do...

    - David
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2008 5:49 PM GMT
    You'd rather phone Darren Star -
    suggest him a script of Sex and Gay City pilot)

    But seriously - i think you make it deeper than it is,
    this sounds painful enough

    Intuition..) when smelling scam one'd rather avoid that,
    at least don't let the heart and feelings get involved.
    Sex may be mind-blowing but.. it's not a relationship

    But if the guy really need you, you really need him - and you feel that - so, i think that's maybe the point to start looking for a relationship with him. Ah?

    p.s. and i agree with previous post of sweet David )

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2008 5:55 PM GMT
    VordhosbnAlthough I feel he didn't cheat, I feel like he will. He's very affectionate with me and other than this, things seem fine and very intimate. We've already started using the "L-word". I know I shouldn't have done what I did. I feel ridiculous for doing it. It's totally an invasion of his privacy. I've never done anything like this before. Please spare me the grief of making me feel guilty for this, cause I already am. Now, I'm not sure what to do. We've been talking about moving in together!


    I dated someone could have said this word for word. It sounds more like there is nothing that he can do to earn your trust. The issue seems to be more of your's than his. In my situation, it didn't matter what I said, I wasn't going to ever gain trust from someone unwilling to trust. Even couples therapy revealed that he only wanted me to admit do something I didn't do all the while he failed to convince me or the therapist that he was 'right'.

    You need to get out of the relationship until your ready to be in one. It sounds like your intuition is based on your history with someone else and insecurity. This guy your dating sounds fairly normal. Personally, your perspective on the events, even in the face of the truth, is based on selecting things to support your suspicions and ignoring the whole picture. There's no such thing as a perfect man, but if someone is flirting with him, doesn't mean he's flirting back and even if he was, it's not cheating. You're 3 months into the relationship, not 3 years.
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    Jun 22, 2008 6:00 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidI think you already know the answer.



    Trust your gut instinct and yourself!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2008 6:06 PM GMT
    You already know the answer - any grief/hurt you experience from this guy from here on out is on your shoulders.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2008 6:15 PM GMT
    I don't know. I'd dump you in a minute if I found out you went through my stuff. Hopefully you covered your tracks well.

    The thing about "intuition" is that it can be right, and it can be wrong. But it convicts someone before they commit a crime, and that never sits well.
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    Jun 22, 2008 6:18 PM GMT
    well you have to know your own motives. if you're prone to reactive "feelings" that turn out to be untrue, then, yes, you should second-guess your intuition. but if you have a history of being pretty much always right, then you're a fool to not at least take your intuition seriously. for me, i can actually tell the difference between a real gut feeling and a possible fake-out engineered by my ego. either way, i tend to sit on both to really get clear on what's going on.
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    Jun 22, 2008 7:01 PM GMT
    Don't trust him...dump him!
  • Vordhosbn

    Posts: 38

    Jun 23, 2008 2:50 PM GMT
    Thanks for all your replies. Believe it or not, but it did help me out a lot. My suspicions were correct, not that he was cheating on me but that I'm turning into a paranoid insecure dimwat! It's only been 3 months and I need to be with him longer to trust him (and move in with him!) Before I have paranoias about him, I should look at why I'm having these paranoias first. Thanks again!
    Cheers,
    ~Ruben
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2008 3:13 PM GMT
    Sorry, but it seems very odd for people to say don't trust him, when you were the one who went snooping around his computer. I was with my partner for 9 years and we wouldn't snoop. I would set expectations and don't feel that just cause a guy says he loves you means he is ready to spend the rest of his life in a monogamous relationship with you. Plus its just a little internet chat.

    Don't put too much into this. But make sure you are getting what you need from the relationship. Be ready to assume your own fault. Cause if I was dating you for three months and caught you snooping through my stuff, I would be postin on here with a bunch of guys giving me the advice to dump you. I guess now you guys can call it even...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    I hate to be crass, but this is something you need to discuss with him (or at least with friends who have met him and have had a chance to feel him out), not with we folks who don't know anything about him other than what you tell us.

    It does sound like you have some lingering suspicion because of your ex. But this is a different guy, and I think it's important to look at him with as much of a clean sheet of paper as you can.

    You also shouldn't need to snoop on his computer to prove things one way or another. Besides, that could easily lead to a misinterpretting a chat (or any other "evidence" you might find there). Either way, it sounds like you should not be talking about cohabitating (I know people who moved in with a BF as a way of "ensuring" that they don't chat, and that is seriously the wrong reason to live together).

    Have an honest, face-to-face heart-to-heart. If you can't trust him after that, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with him.