Shallow or not?

  • Winryx33

    Posts: 6

    Jan 13, 2012 5:13 PM GMT
    Ok, so, I have been mature most of my adult life so far, too mature for my age range in my country and its gay scene. Even though all I had ever looked for is a casual somewhat stable relationship, I've been meeting people for quite a long time but I've never got past a few weeks of dating. Maybe I am too picky, I guess.

    Anyway, it so happens that I met this guy, We seem to have a lot in common. He has a nice personality, and seems to be quite interested in me. The two dates we had I had quite a lot of fun. And he is supposed to be decent-looking. Yes, in general, he's someone I would be attracted to.

    Here's the thing, he has (or had, I am not sure) a case of severe acne that left his face filled with scars and pumps all over, even on the neck. It would take 2 months of laser therapy to treat that, time that he currently doesn't have and says it would be something he does in the future. He's also a bit obese. Which all really signifies his appearance is not much of a priority to him.

    I am not sure what I should do about it. I haven't met a guy whom I liked like this forever. So it's really hard for me to think that I should cut it short or just be friends. Am I being shallow?
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Jan 13, 2012 5:20 PM GMT
    tumblr_lxoywvW53j1qfu4tho1_250.gif



    To be frank...

    Shallow as fuck.
  • Winryx33

    Posts: 6

    Jan 13, 2012 5:33 PM GMT
    TheKrisPandemic saidtumblr_lxoywvW53j1qfu4tho1_250.gif



    To be frank...

    Shallow as fuck.


    Thank you very much. That's exactly the answer I needed. @.@

    icon_smile.gif Lovely effective lil animation.
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Jan 13, 2012 6:42 PM GMT
    Winryx33 said
    TheKrisPandemic saidtumblr_lxoywvW53j1qfu4tho1_250.gif



    To be frank...

    Shallow as fuck.


    Thank you very much. That's exactly the answer I needed. @.@

    icon_smile.gif Lovely effective lil animation.


    Why don't you try to look passed those things? Try to pursue it and if it really bothers you after all, end the relationship. You never know, you could end up being extremely happy with him.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 13, 2012 6:50 PM GMT
    Winryx33 saidOk, so, I have been mature most of my adult life so far, too mature for my age range in my country and its gay scene. Even though all I had ever looked for is a casual somewhat stable relationship, I've been meeting people for quite a long time but I've never got past a few weeks of dating. Maybe I am too picky, I guess.

    Anyway, it so happens that I met this guy, We seem to have a lot in common. He has a nice personality, and seems to be quite interested in me. The two dates we had I had quite a lot of fun. And he is supposed to be decent-looking. Yes, in general, he's someone I would be attracted to.

    Here's the thing, he has (or had, I am not sure) a case of severe acne that left his face filled with scars and pumps all over, even on the neck. It would take 2 months of laser therapy to treat that, time that he currently doesn't have and says it would be something he does in the future. He's also a bit obese. Which all really signifies his appearance is not much of a priority to him.

    I am not sure what I should do about it. I haven't met a guy whom I liked like this forever. So it's really hard for me to think that I should cut it short or just be friends. Am I being shallow?


    get him frequent micro derm abrasions at a qualified dermatologist he could also have safe injectable fillers(my ex's g/f was a dermatologist) and take his ass to the gym with you. I think it's ok to discuss this with him. Tell him things are going well, but you can help him with 2 slight areas that will improve his appearance and help your attraction on the outside match the inside. Be delicate and tactful when doing so.icon_idea.gif I don't think you're being shallow as much as honest.
    good luck.
  • Winryx33

    Posts: 6

    Jan 13, 2012 7:17 PM GMT
    Kris: That's what I thought I should do, but I just had doubts.

    Mike: Thanks a lot for the advice. I just didn't think I am in a position to start asking him to do things to change himself. I will give this sometime and if things keep being this good, I'll do my research and approach the topic.
  • HorrorHound

    Posts: 1435

    Jan 13, 2012 7:25 PM GMT
    Just to throw out there - with your comment about him being chubby therefore "not caring about his appearance" - there are other factors involved w/ someone gaining weight OTHER than "not caring".

    I don't know his personal interests or lack thereof w/ fitness, but there are always other factors that can hold someone back: Anxiety/depression, Medications , etc ...

    I know plenty of guys whom were HUGE weightlifters & for a while fell out of it due to some issues they were suffering from or inner Health issues.

    But do what you gotta do to make ya happy. However, if you sorta dig him - wait it out & see how it goes.
  • Winryx33

    Posts: 6

    Jan 13, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    AKA: That's actually a point I had missed. Thanks, a lot. I am kinda freakin happy I posted here asking for advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 13, 2012 8:23 PM GMT
    Keeping seeing him since if you do like him more and more it will be for his other features, not his physically one. Those will be the things you fall in love with him for and will stay with him for. Not a handsome face and washboard abs.

    Plus it sounds like he wants to get the laser treatment for himself and not for others. Therefore you might assume he has an image of himself that we wants to meet and you can be there to help him meet it.

    But ya kinda shallow.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 13, 2012 8:24 PM GMT
    Chubby is different from obese I think...

    But whatever the case, it's not an issue of if you're shallow or not. The penis does the picking. Physical attraction has to be there and be mutual for a relationship to work.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 13, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    talk about shallow! - I read "Swallow or not?"

    There are fewer good ones than goodlooking ones - I hope you'll give it some more time because the things you're talking about are easy fixes. If you haven't felt this way in a long time, it's worth checking out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 13, 2012 9:00 PM GMT
    Op. you have a big nose... Can you get a nose job to suck all the fatty tissue out?
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jan 13, 2012 9:01 PM GMT
    Winryx33 saidOk, so, I have been mature most of my adult life so far, too mature for my age range in my country and its gay scene. Even though all I had ever looked for is a casual somewhat stable relationship, I've been meeting people for quite a long time but I've never got past a few weeks of dating. Maybe I am too picky, I guess.

    Anyway, it so happens that I met this guy, We seem to have a lot in common. He has a nice personality, and seems to be quite interested in me. The two dates we had I had quite a lot of fun. And he is supposed to be decent-looking. Yes, in general, he's someone I would be attracted to.

    Here's the thing, he has (or had, I am not sure) a case of severe acne that left his face filled with scars and pumps all over, even on the neck. It would take 2 months of laser therapy to treat that, time that he currently doesn't have and says it would be something he does in the future. He's also a bit obese. Which all really signifies his appearance is not much of a priority to him.

    I am not sure what I should do about it. I haven't met a guy whom I liked like this forever. So it's really hard for me to think that I should cut it short or just be friends. Am I being shallow?



    Mature "most of your adult life" did give me a chuckle since you're only all of 20 years old. Regardless, the acne scars will fade with time (not to mention the amazing strides they are making in skin resurfacing), but I am curious about your problem of the potential BF being "a bit obese". Doesn't your profile say you are 5'9", 180 lbs and "overweight"? Sounds to me like you at least have that much in common.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 13, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    I'll just be blunt and throw this out there.

    While attraction isn't everything, if there's nothing there sexually - at all, it's a waste of time. Attraction is different for everyone, but one should definitely want to wake up next to their person.
  • HorrorHound

    Posts: 1435

    Jan 13, 2012 11:35 PM GMT
    Larkin saidChubby is different from obese I think...

    But whatever the case, it's not an issue of if you're shallow or not. The penis does the picking. Physical attraction has to be there and be mutual for a relationship to work.



    When I say "chubby" i mean any of the above. I don't like to say "fat" anymore, as it seems this decade its become the new use of "n**ger"
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jan 14, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    Winryx33 saidI am not sure what I should do about it. I haven't met a guy whom I liked like this forever.

    You know, and only you can know, the answers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    I don't think it's shallow to not be attracted to someone, but it sounds like you really like him, so I hope you give it a shot. Some guys actually look good with a few scars - Ray Liotta, Lawrence Fishburne, etc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    Winryx33 saidOk, so, I have been mature most of my adult life so far, too mature for my age range in my country and its gay scene. Even though all I had ever looked for is a casual somewhat stable relationship, I've been meeting people for quite a long time but I've never got past a few weeks of dating. Maybe I am too picky, I guess.

    Anyway, it so happens that I met this guy, We seem to have a lot in common. He has a nice personality, and seems to be quite interested in me. The two dates we had I had quite a lot of fun. And he is supposed to be decent-looking. Yes, in general, he's someone I would be attracted to.

    Here's the thing, he has (or had, I am not sure) a case of severe acne that left his face filled with scars and pumps all over, even on the neck. It would take 2 months of laser therapy to treat that, time that he currently doesn't have and says it would be something he does in the future. He's also a bit obese. Which all really signifies his appearance is not much of a priority to him.

    I am not sure what I should do about it. I haven't met a guy whom I liked like this forever. So it's really hard for me to think that I should cut it short or just be friends. Am I being shallow?


    Get rid of him. You have your whole life ahead of you. If when you get rid of him and you find yourself alone later - well such is life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 12:56 AM GMT
    AKA_B1GK said
    Larkin saidChubby is different from obese I think...

    But whatever the case, it's not an issue of if you're shallow or not. The penis does the picking. Physical attraction has to be there and be mutual for a relationship to work.



    When I say "chubby" i mean any of the above. I don't like to say "fat" anymore, as it seems this decade its become the new use of "n**ger"


    Thank you AKA - I don't like the word "fat" anymore either...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 12:59 AM GMT
    I would try to bring it up gently at first to see how sensitive he is about these issues. Maybe a random comment in passing - like a gym commercial and you ask if he'd like to go with you sometime and be workout partners... You should be able to tell if he's really self-conscious and trying to appear like he doesn't care or if he truly doesn't care.

    If he's self-conscious being too abrupt about it may end things sooner than you want and leave him feeling rejected. - I think you should approach the topic, but just cautiously.

  • Pr0digy

    Posts: 601

    Jan 14, 2012 12:59 AM GMT
    I guess I am to an extent. I'm really not attracted to people who aren't in shape or not athletic.


    Oh, and ignorant, simple minded, and stupid people I dislike the most. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 4:03 AM GMT
    Chubby sometimes means unhealthy. Sometimes it means a lifetime of unhealthy habits that are only going to get worse unless the person makes a definite decision to change. Sometimes it also signifies an emotional issue that could be underlying the physical issue.

    Personally I can like/love someone but if they're not especially healthy (and it's something they have the power to change), I wouldn't really want to wake up in bed next to them for years to come. Sort of like how I wouldn't want to kiss a smoker and certainly wouldn't want to deal with that for years to come, either.

    I guess I value health pretty highly, or at least the goal of health and action toward it. Its not all about looks.

    A little bit of fat doesn't turn me off, but a lot does.

    BTW, diet and exercise, and vitamins, can do wonders for skin... I would think the natural route would be a lot less expensive and painful than laser therapy.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 3:35 PM GMT


    "Yes, in general, he's someone I would be attracted to."

    Hmmm...what are you meaning when you say 'would'?

    It sounds like you aren't, yet, but that you're imagining you would be if he was slimmer with better skin.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 3:37 PM GMT
    "I am not sure what I should do about it. I haven't met a guy whom I liked like this forever. So it's really hard for me to think that I should cut it short or just be friends. . . ."

    I think you've just answered your own question. Stick with him if he makes you happy. That's all that matters.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 14, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    Winryx33 said

    I am not sure what I should do about it. I haven't met a guy whom I liked like this forever. So it's really hard for me to think that I should cut it short or just be friends. Am I being shallow?


    Let me start by asking a few questions (realizing that every last one of us is shallow in some way):

    1. Do you plan to stay young, fit, and attractive forever, or is there a chance, be it small, that perhaps you will get older, not be as fit as you are now, and lose some attractiveness?

    2. Is it more important to you to be physically attracted to another, and if so, take into account that we all age, lose our fitness, and become less attractive in time. If the physical attraction is most important, then you do not want a long term relationship.

    3. If it is more important that you both click on a more personal level, similar outlooks and interests, similar goals and direction in life, then the physical shouldn't be too big a deal, and even if it is, you can help encourage him to take better care of his health, but know that not everyone is meant to look like an Adonis. We all have flaws, some are visible, some are not. But if you can overlook the flaws he may have (that you think he has) then you can make it work.

    So again, weigh the focus, if physical is what's important to you, then you do not want a long term relationship, don't drag this guy with you and then disappear one day when you can't stand to be around him anymore.

    If it's not the physical that's most important, stick it out, examine yourself and realize that you probably have flaws too that he's "putting up with" in an effort to make things work. Relationships have to be a compromise and learning to accept the other person as they accept you.

    Or like my parents put it, they're relationship works because they're the only two people who can put up with each other.

    Whatever you decide, good luck, just don't hurt this other dude by stringing him along making him think you want something more when you're really just looking for the next best thing (if that's what you're thinking right now).