Long distance and the "hard to read" type

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2012 6:30 PM GMT
    Note:
    Long distance in this case is a 150 minute drive each way. It also seems like I am going to be the one that is going to need to drive it ... which I am not thrilled with the additional unplanned expenses but I actually really like him and think it is worth it just to see his face every other weekend or so, whatever we eventually work out. Which is the first time I have ever really felt invested in trying to make something work that much.

    Background:
    We have been facebook friends for a while. We have a slow poke war going on, he doesn't spend much time on facebook, but he does like a lot of the things I post or comment on them so I know he pays some amount of attention. We had an e-mail chain where I told him how much I liked him. We had a good text message exchange just talking about things the other night, but it ended without any "good night" or other closure from him.

    He is the most like me I have ever met before. He is very reserved, smart, focused in school, easily offended, and mostly seems to keep to himself. From what I can tell he has not dated much at all, like me, even though we are about the same age. And he plays a lot of video games when he is not studying or working. So he is perfect for me - Skyrim memes can last a lifetime.

    But most of the time I have no idea what he is thinking and I am still in the precarious mode where I don't want to annoy him with too many messages or otherwise bother him ... but I want to talk to him a lot. He just doesn't seem to talk a lot, I don't think it is anything I have done, and I have probably gotten more out of him than anyone else has. I'm also much more sentimental and every time I see "single" on one of my profiles on a website I'm like ... I want to change that and list his name on facebook as my relationship (he's out - otherwise I would not be talking to him) but it is way too soon to make that official. But at least with this one that's my mindset that I want to be bragging about him, unlike the last one which would have been embarrassing had anyone from work or school ever met him.

    Seeking advice:
    Is this one of the times that the best course of action is to just calm down and let things develop slowly? I'm perfectly fine waiting on the physical stuff for a long time, but I have thousands of questions I want to ask him to learn more about him, what kinds of food he likes, and who he is as a person ... whether he wants kids, where he intends to live after he graduates, whether he will go on a holiday trip with me during spring break. The important stuff.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Jan 13, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    average
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    Jan 13, 2012 7:27 PM GMT
    How much time have you actually spent together in person?
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    Jan 13, 2012 9:02 PM GMT
    kandsk saidHow much time have you actually spent together in person?


    Not much. At the close of the month we will be in the same city for an entire weekend while I'm at an academic conference. We both have other things going on that weekend so I'm not certain how much time we will actually be together. But yes, I have read the forums and other sources about the potential that that much time together can wreck a relationship before it even begins ... something about seeing too much of a person in one large dose being catastrophic. Hopefully the other things we have going on will mitigate either of us getting sick of each other.
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    Jan 13, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    Your post screams "infatuation". By the sounds of it you barely know the guy. He's proving to be aloof and obviously not as infatuated as you are. I suspect you are projecting a lot into this relationship at this stage and sense a train wreck down the track if you don't ease up on the accelerator a bit.

    Regardless, I hope things work out for you.
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    Jan 13, 2012 10:25 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidNote:
    Long distance in this case is a 150 minute drive each way. It also seems like I am going to be the one that is going to need to drive it ...


    That's not good. Any relationship is a two way street. Without knowing your situation, that sounds one-sided to me.
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    Jan 13, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    From the sounds of it,I think you need to stop worrying about where the relationship is going and just be a friend .. let whatever happens happen.. I would say
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    Jan 13, 2012 11:34 PM GMT
    I wouldn't put too much hope in it. People project themselves differently online and in my experience you won't get to know the real him by seeing him that infrequently. It can be very frustrating because between meetings you will get right back into the long chatting routine and build up a false image of him again and again. Be open to the fact that he might react differently and express himself differently in person.
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    Jan 14, 2012 1:24 AM GMT
    Until you guys have actually talked, skyped and met in person I'd not change my relationship-status or pick out the china. Only a face to face meeting can tell you whether there is actual chemistry between you guys.
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    Jan 14, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    I gotta be honest with ya, bud - your post makes it sound like nothing more than you crushing on some guy online.

    What makes you define it as a relationship? It doesn't sound like one at all... but maybe you skipped a lot of info.

    If you haven't left anything then I would say this guy does not feel the same way as you do and it's time for you to go out and meet someone in Austin.
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Jan 15, 2012 2:46 PM GMT
    I don't have the immediate answer to your question now.
    But I will definitely give you an answer come June 2012.

    It's a promise icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 15, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    Wait until you meet him... then worry about this stuff

    (take this from some one who met their boyfriend, long distance and online and now have lived together for over a year).
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    Jan 15, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    Op stop it before you get hurt. You mention kids?? You know nothing about the cat so plz don't mention kids.
    Let us know how it ends up
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:11 PM GMT
    Hope for the best, but expect nothing.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    Jan 15, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    My advice...It's sounds like you're nuts about the guy...You want to know everything you can about him....Sometimes relationships take time and patience...It sounds like you're will to take the time to learn more...DO THAT...back off a little...Don't be so available...Guys like what they can't have...Go out of others..friends....Show him you have a existence without him...When you do communicate with him..ask some of those more probing questions...Listen...From what I read you seem like a quality guy...Rethink it...like this..He'd be lucky to know ME better...I wish ya luck and happiness man....Steve
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    The good kind of feedback is that after typing that all out, it is not statistically likely for it to work out the way I would like it to go. That was the point of writing it all out since at some level I knew it was like winning the lottery - would be very nice to happen but not especially likely, though you still need to play to potentially win.

    This kind of thing has worked out in the past for several of my tumblr friends, they spend something like nine days together in close proximity every six months. And the reason to feel optimistic is that there was a recent article by Amber Case on how the technology we have available to us today makes us less isolated than our forebears during the Industrial Revolution. Which is why one of my good friends, a lonely Ph.D candidate in the middle of nowhere Iowa started talking to some random guy in Maine, they met for the first time months later and it has worked for them for two years long distance so far while they try to figure out how to eventually end up in the same city ... it doesn't always work but when it does it is one of those cute miracles. Even grindr at one point had solicited stories about long term couples that had met using the app, being connected in new ways that were never capable before.

    As for the remark about kids - I am no longer interested in a guy if he doesn't want kids. So that would end the inquiry (and the crush/infatuation choose your word) right then if he says he does not want kids. Based on a Penny Arcade thing we talked about - more likely than not he wants kids. When it is appropriate I will ask him.

    And I never claimed it was a relationship. I think I just poorly worded it that it is something I would like, but that which is going to take a lot more happening before it could be considered a relationship by anyones' defintion - let alone facebook official.

    davidsticky69 saidI don't have the immediate answer to your question now.
    But I will definitely give you an answer come June 2012.

    It's a promise icon_smile.gif


    His response to the Star Wars thing I just tagged him in will say a lot. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2012 7:45 PM GMT
    Call him.

    Twenty questions seems overwhelming in an email because you get bombarded by them all at once. You can easily cycle though twenty questions in a thirty minute phone conversation without thinking about it.

    You say you have a thousand questions to ask him. You sound frustrated because passive means of communication are limiting your ability to, well, communicate. You want to talk to him. Call him, arrange to meet somewhere in his city, and then meet. You can cover far more in two hours of face to face contact then you can in two months of talking to someone online.

    You come across in the first post of this thread sounding like you really like the guy. You sound like you've given up in the second post. Why? Don't give up! This guy is probably just as reserved and scared as you are if he's so much like you. Meet! Talk! Stop trying to guess how he thinks and feels, ask him!

    There is absolutely no reason for you to take this slow. It sounds like he likes you and you like him. Call him right now and ask him out to dinner next weekend.
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    Jan 16, 2012 3:11 AM GMT
    spaghettimonster said the technology we have available to us today makes us less isolated than our forebears during the Industrial Revolution.

    Our forebears during the Industrial Revolution would have been too busy eking out a living in the Dark Satanic Mills to worry about whether a few cryptic messages added up to a relationship. Then, as now, the only way to answer the question is to spend time together. Preferably in small no-pressure increments at first, rather than one make-or-break weekend.