Lonely while in a relationship.

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    Jan 14, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    Have any of you guys ever felt that way? I'm in a relationship but still feel lonely sometimes. I feel like we don't spend enough time together. It's always me making the plans (we don't live together). For example, this weekend I thought we were getting together tonight and tomorrow and I called him and he said "I'm really tired and just want to chill by myself tonight. Tomorrow works better." "Oooo-kay," I said. He told me that it was nothing personal. Nothing personal?! I know I need to talk to him about this and I'm planning on bringing it up when we talk on the phone later tonight. He gets in these sudden moods when he doesn't want to go out and he just wants to be by himself because he's "tired" and whatever. It's frustrating because now I have a Saturday night with NO plans whatsoever, and I don't really feel like doing anything else except see him. I texted him and said that if he changes his mind I'd be more than happy to come over because I miss him and enjoy being with him. No response (I really wasn't expecting one.) Grrrr. Frustrating. icon_confused.gif
  • yjw22

    Posts: 6

    Jan 15, 2012 12:48 AM GMT
    It seems He doesn't like you
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    Guys are so weird. You deserve better.
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    Maybe he really is just tired? You sound a little co-dependant as well. Being happy with someone shouldn;t mean you need to be with them all the time. If you make the mistake of your happiness being all about someone else you'll always feel like this.
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    sounds to me like you need to work on your happiness.
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    See? This is why I dont like getting attached to people.. I start missing them when they aren't there
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:46 AM GMT
    Is it a new boyfriend? Once the novelty of a new, shiny relationship wears off you might have a different reaction. I'm a very introverted guy that loves his alone time. I have an extroverted, codependent partner. Sometimes I want to wring his neck. But, I adore him anyways! =)
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1765

    Jan 15, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    Uh... I'm actually a bit like your bf. I don't think I'm alone on this issue, sometimes I just want to be by myself. And it's not really that "I have a problem that I need to talk through to get over", I just need my own space now and then.
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:53 AM GMT
    I knew as soon as I read this guy's post that he was going to labeled as being co-dependent in which I completely disagree. What I gathered by this guy's post is that he and his partner hardly spend time together and therefore was looking forward to a weekend with him. Goodness forbid someone for wanting to spend time with another person...kill the labeling for onceicon_rolleyes.gif.
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    I didn't intend on labeling. If it is a new relationship I totally get it. I was there once or twice. But, it it has been a while and their desire to spend time together differs they may want to re-evaluate things. That is a tough thing to overcome.
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    Jan 15, 2012 1:58 AM GMT
    This doesn't sound like a "relationship" that's gonna last long. His response and reasoning seems somewhat aloof. What person says to their mate, "nothing personal"? Weird language for someone you care about.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 15, 2012 2:57 AM GMT
    It seems like he cares for you...maybe even loves you...but only as a friend or a family member. I have a friend who is going through this exact thing with his fiancee. He says that he's no longer interested in marrying her, but still cares for her as a friend...or like a family member...so they still live apart and get together every other weekend. He says they don't even have sex anymore, just get together and spend the weekends together.icon_neutral.gif
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    Jan 15, 2012 3:01 AM GMT
    me11 saidHave any of you guys ever felt that way? I'm in a relationship but still feel lonely sometimes. I feel like we don't spend enough time together. It's always me making the plans (we don't live together). For example, this weekend I thought we were getting together tonight and tomorrow and I called him and he said "I'm really tired and just want to chill by myself tonight. Tomorrow works better." "Oooo-kay," I said. He told me that it was nothing personal. Nothing personal?! I know I need to talk to him about this and I'm planning on bringing it up when we talk on the phone later tonight. He gets in these sudden moods when he doesn't want to go out and he just wants to be by himself because he's "tired" and whatever. It's frustrating because now I have a Saturday night with NO plans whatsoever, and I don't really feel like doing anything else except see him. I texted him and said that if he changes his mind I'd be more than happy to come over because I miss him and enjoy being with him. No response (I really wasn't expecting one.) Grrrr. Frustrating. icon_confused.gif


    are you sure you are in a relationship? does this guy know you are in a relationship with him? doesn't sound like it to me.
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    Jan 15, 2012 3:38 AM GMT
    atlantasouthguy saidI knew as soon as I read this guy's post that he was going to labeled as being co-dependent in which I completely disagree. What I gathered by this guy's post is that he and his partner hardly spend time together and therefore was looking forward to a weekend with him. Goodness forbid someone for wanting to spend time with another person...kill the labeling for onceicon_rolleyes.gif.


    Thanks for your support. I think that I have the right to be upset if I thought we were getting together and now aren't. My bf and I have been together for 15 months. If he had said something like, "I feel really bad but I'm so tired and figured we'd do something tomorrow instead," I would have felt better. Instead, it was a more distant response and I knew (because I've been with him long enough now) that there was an emotion behind it.

    . . . .

    Update: In the middle of this post he called me and we had a talk. We hadn't actually talked like that since the summer. One of those real talks. Of course it would have been better in person but any kind of talk is better than none at all.

    The verdict (which was the same as the summer): intimacy issues and a sexual dysfunction issue that doesn't bother me but bothers him (all admitted by him). At least I'm not going crazy. The problem lies with him and not me. I always felt this on the inside but I get paranoid. I was more honest and open with him than I've been in the last 6 months which is good. The problem is not solved, but it's been addressed and brought to the surface. I can only hope that we can continue this dialogue. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose my sanity either.

    Relationships. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:09 AM GMT
    Brownale saidThis doesn't sound like a "relationship" that's gonna last long. His response and reasoning seems somewhat aloof. What person says to their mate, "nothing personal"? Weird language for someone you care about.


    What? The guy's just tired.
  • str8hardbody9

    Posts: 1519

    Jan 15, 2012 4:11 AM GMT
    yjw22 saidIt seems He doesn't like you


    I totally agree. He's not into you. Go find someone who will care about you.icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:16 AM GMT
    Op get a grip man. You sound like me when I had my first relationship. You need to work on being happy bc when he breaks up w you it's gonna be hell on earth for you
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:34 AM GMT
    You are in two different places and you need to decide if you are close enough to continue. No bad guys here.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:42 AM GMT
    You should talk to him, tel him how you feel. Warning though bc usually this will end up in a break up. I was in the exact same place you are now and we ended up breaking up but still remain very close and are relationship has become stronger with no dramatics.

    Say what you feel, if you break up. Then it wasnt meant to be..trust me. If hes good then he'll stick around as a friend
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:46 AM GMT
    me11 saidHave any of you guys ever felt that way? I'm in a relationship but still feel lonely sometimes. I feel like we don't spend enough time together. It's always me making the plans (we don't live together). For example, this weekend I thought we were getting together tonight and tomorrow and I called him and he said "I'm really tired and just want to chill by myself tonight. Tomorrow works better." "Oooo-kay," I said. He told me that it was nothing personal. Nothing personal?! I know I need to talk to him about this and I'm planning on bringing it up when we talk on the phone later tonight. He gets in these sudden moods when he doesn't want to go out and he just wants to be by himself because he's "tired" and whatever. It's frustrating because now I have a Saturday night with NO plans whatsoever, and I don't really feel like doing anything else except see him. I texted him and said that if he changes his mind I'd be more than happy to come over because I miss him and enjoy being with him. No response (I really wasn't expecting one.) Grrrr. Frustrating. icon_confused.gif



    I wouldn't let it get to you that much. He's probably just really introverted or just really uninterested...I'm gonna go with my gut on the former though. Some people just value their privacy and sometimes people, like myself, need alone time to recharge if I've been out or around people. I don't think you should let it bother you because I'm sure he's interested just the both of you operate differently.

    Best of luck!

    -J
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Jan 15, 2012 4:50 AM GMT
    Different people need different amounts of alone time, but it generally isn't something that comes up right away when you're dating. When you date somebody you see them on a limited basis and it is usually event oriented: going to a movie, going to a dinner, a little day trip...ect But once you become a couple with somebody the little things start to matter more and more because it is the little things that make up most of our lives. If one person hates to be alone and the other likes to have a night or two all to themselves each week then they probably aren't going to make it in the long term.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    me11 said
    atlantasouthguy saidI knew as soon as I read this guy's post that he was going to labeled as being co-dependent in which I completely disagree. What I gathered by this guy's post is that he and his partner hardly spend time together and therefore was looking forward to a weekend with him. Goodness forbid someone for wanting to spend time with another person...kill the labeling for onceicon_rolleyes.gif.


    Thanks for your support. I think that I have the right to be upset if I thought we were getting together and now aren't. My bf and I have been together for 15 months. If he had said something like, "I feel really bad but I'm so tired and figured we'd do something tomorrow instead," I would have felt better. Instead, it was a more distant response and I knew (because I've been with him long enough now) that there was an emotion behind it.

    . . . .

    Update: In the middle of this post he called me and we had a talk. We hadn't actually talked like that since the summer. One of those real talks. Of course it would have been better in person but any kind of talk is better than none at all.

    The verdict (which was the same as the summer): intimacy issues and a sexual dysfunction issue that doesn't bother me but bothers him (all admitted by him). At least I'm not going crazy. The problem lies with him and not me. I always felt this on the inside but I get paranoid. I was more honest and open with him than I've been in the last 6 months which is good. The problem is not solved, but it's been addressed and brought to the surface. I can only hope that we can continue this dialogue. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose my sanity either.

    Relationships. icon_rolleyes.gif



    It sounds like he's struggling with depression.
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:25 AM GMT
    Your profile says you're dating. So are you just DATING this guy or are you really in a RELATIONSHIP with him? There is a difference between dating someone and being in a relationship with someone. If he's too tired to go anywhere, why don't you offer to come to his place to watch a movie or just hang out. It could be a quiet time of male bonding. Also, does he even know he's in a relationship with you? Some guys like to walk around telling folks they're in a relationship with someone when all they're really doing is just dating. It's not the same. Has he ever told you that he loves you (outside of bed)? How much do you know of this person? Do you know his middle name or shoe size?