What if your boyfriend wants to go on a trip without you

  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Jan 15, 2012 5:14 AM GMT

    I love my boyfriend, very much, but I am starting to have a major issue with how much he travels and how much he is planning to this year. He goes out of town to visit his friends and family at least once a month for a weekend (about 6 hours away). I've gone with him a few times and met his parents and his friends and like them, but I just am not always able to get away for a whole weekend to go with.

    In this coming year he is planning several trips abroad, that will all be over a week long. One is to go on a joint birthday party and bachelor party for his two best friends. One is for a wedding in Europe and then a trip to Asian with some friends. Last weekend we went hiking with a friend of his who has relatives in South Africa and he invited him to spend a week there in May and they plan on going shark diving. When he told me I was furious for two reasons 1) if he goes on that trip in May then he won't have enough time off to go back home with me in June to visit my friends 2) I have always had a huge fascination with sharks and I am the one who forced him to watch Shark Week all last year and got him interested in the idea of shark diving in the first place.

    Unfortunately I am not in a place financially to be able to go on the trip (though his friend did extend the invitation to me). I really don't want him to go without me, is it childish and/or petty to feel that way?

    On the one hand I don't want to deny him the opportunity to have an amazing experience. But on the other hand we'll have been together over a year by then and to me it just feels at that point that you should want to experience things with your boyfriend not without him.

    thoughts?
  • Adam00

    Posts: 39

    Jan 15, 2012 8:16 AM GMT
    Me too i do not like my boyfriend to travel alone ,,,,, i prefer that we make it together

    but shark diving is a special thing for him,,, he traveled alone before to europe and asia ,,,so let him go for this week or try to join him

    good luck
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    Jan 15, 2012 9:16 AM GMT
    You don't seem like a freeloader because I've read your posts. What is your bf position financially (do you know what he makes?).....because I mean if I had a bf I loved and was with for a year. I do make a substantial amount of money compared to my age group I think (not bragging). I would totally not take him on all those trips because it would break the bank....but I'd def take you on one or two just because I'd want my boy to come.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2012 9:17 AM GMT
    We often travel with family or friends.. in those situations, partners are not always welcome, as they bring in a different dynamic... so if you travel with partners... you do not bring in family or friends either...

    Likewise.. do you see a straight guy travel with his straight buddies on a trip and bringing a girlfriend along? Heavens no

    But in the case of the shark diving trip? I can imagine you would prefer to join... if I were you, I would discuss taking the dive another time
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    Jan 15, 2012 9:55 AM GMT
    Maybe in some ways, the view of your relationship isn't the same for your partner as it is for you. If he's so willing to go on these trips solo, then there's still some level of separation in his mind. The key here is his Europe/Asia trip is for "his" friends and this trip to South Africa is with one of "his" friends. To some degree, may be hasn't integrated his life into your partnership, yet, if that makes sense.

    Question for you. This friend with whom you went hiking, how many times have you met him? I think it's interesting that you stated, "one of his friends". But, that's contingent on how you answer the question. If you've hung out with him alot, then I'd be interested to know why you refer to him as "one of his friends" vs. "our friend". If this is the case, then I believe you're both still progressing in the relationship and haven't bonded as closely as you would like to believe. But if you've only met him once or twice, then I can see why.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 15, 2012 10:16 AM GMT
    It's actually not a year yet and there doesn't seem like a huge commitment or he wouldn't feel like being away so much-just deal with it. I hope you practice safe sex!! Let the man travel if he has the means and opportunity. I'd say you're being selfish, insecure and clingy/too needy. If you throw it up to him he will probably think your being childish and go anyway. Would you prefer he stay home with you and not go on the trips at all?? If you truely love someone you want them to experience what life has to offer.icon_idea.gif
    FYI- The best man at the bachelor party usually get's laid not the bacheloricon_idea.gif
    If your realtionship goes the long haul you will have plenty of oppotunities to travel with him in the future, if not all this BS is a moot point.
    I also think it's a good thing to have a credit card that gives you airfare mileage. I charge everything, but always pay it in full at the end of the month, but this allows me to always fly free.icon_idea.gif
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    Jan 15, 2012 10:23 AM GMT
    It would depend on if he was going there for a hookup or just party and vacation.
    If he's going to play with his friends he has to promise you he'll always play safe.
    Best of luck with what this is putting you through.
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    Jan 15, 2012 3:04 PM GMT
    It's always a good idea to spend time with each other and away from each other. Successful relationships are all about compromises and selflessness.
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    Jan 15, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIt's always a good idea to spend time with each other and away from each other. Successful relationships are all about compromises and selflessness.


    Good point, but I'd like to add that compromise and selflessness has to be reciprocal. It takes two to tango. icon_wink.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    I am much more social and inclined to travel than my BF but for the most part I leave it up to him whether he wants to go or not. If I have to pay for a room it doesn't cost any more to have him in it.

    That said I do not take every opportunity offered by friends to go away with them. My clubbing friends go somewhere pretty much once a month, and I wouldn't expect him to put up with that.

    He has also compromised and been more willing to experience new things. I see it as a two-way street moving towards each other's lifestyles.

    If the shark trip was a once-in-a lifetime opportunity I would probably not try to prevent him from going, but you should also not ignore your feelings and maybe he could compromise and not take so many other trips without you. I wouldn't try to limit the family visits because that is a sure way to foster resentment.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 15, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    Traveling alone is fine, especially if it's visiting family or dear friends. But what you describe is a bit different. Your bf is being very inconsiderate to you. I have an ex that was the same way, he wouldn't go to a certain movie with me, but if his family wanted to go he would go and tell me how awesome the certain movie was, etc. For your bf to go on a trip and want to do shark diving without you is a bit disgusting to me. It also is a bit sucky that the only reason why you can't go is finances and he doesn't offer to take you or lend you the bux.

    Bottom line, I wouldn't put much more time into this guy. Go on your trip to see your friends and do what you want to do, without the mofo.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    OP I'm sorry for you having to go through this. It isn't easy.

    I can't imagine a person NOT wanting to share these wonderful life experiences with the man he is supposedly committed to. However, if y'all are still not living together as partners, then maybe he doesn't see it as a partnership yet. But, if you are living together and building a life together, then I think it is extremely inconsiderate and just as selfish to want to go when you can't.... It would be just as easy to wait until you can go, or to pay your share and include his friends if you can go.

    I will also agree with another poster that in a relationship, you both need some "me" time, but I think this goes way beyond that and way beyond what any partner should have to endure.

    Good luck.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    Because the two of you have different financial positions, he can afford to go on more frequent & more extravagant trips than you can. Don't stop him from enjoying his life; this will only serve to distant the two of you. I realize that you don't like him being far from you. However, the two issues here, which you may not care to admit, are that: 1) you may not trust him enough to be by himself; 2) you are envious of his lifestyle. I'm not trying to be harsh, but this maybe a problem that has nothing to do with your boyfriend and everything to do with you.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    He has to enjoy his life. If you cannot afford it, you cant. He shouldnt stay home because you are broke.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:22 PM GMT
    Really wouldn't give it much thought it he wanted to take a trip without me. I think it'd be fun actually. Not a big deal since if we are serious we'll be taking trips together a lot anyway so a trip without me wouldn't be a big deal. My folks have been doing stuff like this for over 37 years.

    As long as he doesn't cheat or do something that would compromise our relationship or have me second guessing the decision then I wouldn't give it much thought. Who's to say I wouldn't wanna take a trip without him sometime?
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    PaulNKS saidOP I'm sorry for you having to go through this. It isn't easy.

    I can't imagine a person NOT wanting to share these wonderful life experiences with the man he is supposedly committed to. However, if y'all are still not living together as partners, then maybe he doesn't see it as a partnership yet. But, if you are living together and building a life together, then I think it is extremely inconsiderate and just as selfish to want to go when you can't.... It would be just as easy to wait until you can go, or to pay your share and include his friends if you can go.

    I will also agree with another poster that in a relationship, you both need some "me" time, but I think this goes way beyond that and way beyond what any partner should have to endure.

    Good luck.


    I agree.....
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:36 PM GMT
    He is your boyfriend and the normal expectation would be for you to do things (particularly leisure trips) together. Clearly it bothers you that he is happy to go away on a regular basis without you and I think you are probably right to be concerned. If you do not have the means to travel with him, one might expect that he would adapt his plans accordingly.

    I am afraid to say, it does not sound like you have a particularly strong relationship. If you are happy to continue playing second fiddle to his extensive travel plans, then carry on. Otherwise, I think you know what the answer is.
  • nvaguy69

    Posts: 54

    Jan 15, 2012 4:37 PM GMT
    It really depends on where he's going, why and if he's going with a mutual friend? Plus, it helps to be secure in your relationship and trust your partner/bf. I've been in a relationship for over 16 years and we live together. So, I'm cool with it. But, I can see if you're bf/partner doesn't live with you and mysteriously wants to go somewhere without you being included. I think I'd be suspicious or want to question him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidHe has to enjoy his life. If you cannot afford it, you cant. He shouldnt stay home because you are broke.



    That's very simply put, and I'd like to ask, if you were in love with a man would you want to take him with you on a trip? icon_wink.gif
  • nvaguy69

    Posts: 54

    Jan 15, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidHe has to enjoy his life. If you cannot afford it, you cant. He shouldnt stay home because you are broke.


    I totally disagree there. That would be a pretty selfish position and perhaps that person shouldn't be in a relationship.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 15, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    To have a bf and not want to be with him EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE on a trip that he would be really excited about is completely foreign to me. If I needed to help get him there financially then so be it. I would be thankful I had the finances to help.

    Case in point: A financially wealthy family member gave me for Christmas an all expense paid cruise to anywhere I want. I told my bf and being the lovable guy he is, said "Have fun, I am so happy for you!" I told him "Baby, there is no way I'm going without you.". Although we have limited financial resources, if we have to take a less expensive cruise so we can afford his part of the trip, than it will still be special and more fun with my guy being there.

    Another point the OP describes is the shark trip will RUIN THE ALREADY PLANNED TRIP WITH THE BF, which basically totally fux over the OP.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    nvaguy69 said
    Dallasfan824 saidHe has to enjoy his life. If you cannot afford it, you cant. He shouldnt stay home because you are broke.


    I totally disagree there. That would be a pretty selfish position and perhaps that person shouldn't be in a relationship.


    Who is selfish? The guy taking the trip? I disagree. I would say the one comlaining is the selfish one. I think that person should date someone closer to his own income bracket. Having been in the situation myself, its blows.
  • flahotstuff

    Posts: 154

    Jan 15, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    Wake up- when boyfriends start to travel alone the relationship is OVER!! I know this first hand
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    Eh....
  • nvaguy69

    Posts: 54

    Jan 15, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    Mil8 saidHe is your boyfriend and the normal expectation would be for you to do things (particularly leisure trips) together. Clearly it bothers you that he is happy to go away on a regular basis without you and I think you are probably right to be concerned. If you do not have the means to travel with him, one might expect that he would adapt his plans accordingly.

    I am afraid to say, it does not sound like you have a particularly strong relationship. If you are happy to continue playing second fiddle to his extensive travel plans, then carry on. Otherwise, I think you know what the answer is.


    Well put. Unless you both have an agreement and understanding about this subject, I would say that he's pretty selfish and doesn't consider you or your relationship as priority. And, if you can't pay then perhaps we should help pay. If not, then why be together? Gay men can be so self centered and thoughtless. I'd be moving on to someone who appreciates me better and is more inclusive and considerate.