The care switch

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    Something that I have noticed about myself is that I can care a lot about someone or something for a long time but can also loose all that feeling very rapidly.

    It never happens without cause though, and a person would have to do multiple things over the course of a decent amount of time for me to just decide I didn't care anymore.

    The strange thing is I never feel remorse for the people I cut off or the people I give up. I've just cut some friends and family members out of my life and never once thought twice about it after years of caring a lot about them.

    I guess it's a trait that evolved out of dealing with liars and manipulative people, or family members who weren't cool with my gayness.

    It's just so strange to go to bed feeling hurt over something someone did to you and then wake up totally unaffected because you don't care about the person anymore.

    Do anyone else have a similar pattern?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    I don't think too many people will get what you are saying. I think it's not that you all of a sudden you stop caring, but it's a survival reflex that protects you from such negative emotions. I've experienced this before (fortunately not too many times).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    DEKIRUMAN said...but can also loose all that feeling very rapidly.

    ..over the course of a decent amount of time for me to just decide ...

    These dont seem compatible. Which is it?
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Jan 15, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    I getcha. For me, there`s a certain amount of bullshit I'll put up with and get buthurt over whilst still being invested in the relationship. Once that threshold is crossed, however, the emotional investment just kinda disappears, and it all turns to be apathy. Ì definitely think it`s a healthy defense mechanism, to prevent us from becoming too hurt or hung up on emotional entanglements that don`t bring any positivity into our lives.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2012 6:42 PM GMT
    Hmm funny, no I dont have that... I dont ever become disattached from ppl... the people that I have severed ties with for my own good.. they never really leave my subconscious or my concern for them.. and it takes forever for me to get used to the new status quo... I will be quite upset for a while over a severed attachment... I should add though, that I wish I could cut them out easily...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2012 7:59 PM GMT
    I get fucked off very quickly and just cut people out very easily
    Its actually a good thing that you are like that, too many people moan and pine over dickheads that continuously ruin their lives, whereas people like us just get rid of them.

    Its like social/life spring cleaning. Like grindr, sometime you just gotta hit 'block''
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2012 8:27 PM GMT
    I'm the opposite of the OP, always caring even for those who have fucked me over.

    I'm not certain which way is more real or less enlightened. Being able to let go could be denial or it could be a higher evolved sense of detachment. Whereas caring for someone who screws you could be an issue with attachment or it could be a higher evolved sense of compassion.

    Perhaps the truly evolved conscience would entail a combination of the two: a detached compassion.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 15, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    DEKIRUMAN saidSomething that I have noticed about myself is that I can care a lot about someone or something for a long time but can also loose all that feeling very rapidly.

    It never happens without cause though, and a person would have to do multiple things over the course of a decent amount of time for me to just decide I didn't care anymore.

    The strange thing is I never feel remorse for the people I cut off or the people I give up. I've just cut some friends and family members out of my life and never once thought twice about it after years of caring a lot about them.

    I guess it's a trait that evolved out of dealing with liars and manipulative people, or family members who weren't cool with my gayness.

    It's just so strange to go to bed feeling hurt over something someone did to you and then wake up totally unaffected because you don't care about the person anymore.

    Do anyone else have a similar pattern?


    i'm the exact same way.
  • daveindenver

    Posts: 314

    Jan 16, 2012 3:09 AM GMT
    Sounds like the OP is growing up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 16, 2012 3:56 AM GMT
    theantijock saidI'm the opposite of the OP, always caring even for those who have fucked me over.

    I'm not certain which way is more real or less enlightened. Being able to let go could be denial or it could be a higher evolved sense of detachment. Whereas caring for someone who screws you could be an issue with attachment or it could be a higher evolved sense of compassion.

    Perhaps the truly evolved conscience would entail a combination of the two: a detached compassion.
    >


    Sounds like Mahayana Buddhist philosophy....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 16, 2012 7:05 AM GMT
    GreenHopper saidSounds like Mahayana Buddhist philosophy....


    Good eye, Greenhoppa. A long time student of its offshoot, Dzogchen, might have influenced my reply, though I think the concept fairly universal.

    After reading your cited response to mine, a quick google of "Dzogchen, detachment compassion" turned up the following relevant, well-said, Joseph Campbell-esque explanation with respect to both my response of detached compassion and the OPs concern about relationships...

    http://www.metahistory.org/tantra/lunarshaktis/CompassionRelease.php
    Much...destruction in relationships occurs due to failed expectations, desires that are not stated and not met,...But destruction can be hugely minimized by mutual admission of what one wants from the other, with the acceptance that one may not get it...To remain in relationship with someone who does not grant your desire might be a test of compassion, but ending a relationshp due to desire not being met can also be done with compassion. ...

    Compassion in its highest form...is...realized...through desire, whether or not it (the desire) is fulfilled.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 16, 2012 7:09 AM GMT
    theantijock said
    GreenHopper saidSounds like Mahayana Buddhist philosophy....


    Good eye, Greenhoppa. A long time student of its offshoot, Dzogchen, might have influenced my reply, though I think the concept fairly universal.

    After reading your cited response to mine, a quick google of "Dzogchen, detachment compassion" turned up the following relevant, well-said, Joseph Campbell-esque explanation with respect to both my response of detached compassion and the OPs concern about relationships...

    http://www.metahistory.org/tantra/lunarshaktis/CompassionRelease.php
    Much...destruction in relationships occurs due to failed expectations, desires that are not stated and not met,...But destruction can be hugely minimized by mutual admission of what one wants from the other, with the acceptance that one may not get it...To remain in relationship with someone who does not grant your desire might be a test of compassion, but ending a relationshp due to desire not being met can also be done with compassion. ...

    Compassion in its highest form...is...realized...through desire, whether or not it (the desire) is fulfilled.


    Very interesting indeed... perhaps, if I dare put it in other words.. it is about an attachment with desires but no expectation of fulfillment?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 16, 2012 3:08 PM GMT
    GreenHopper saidVery interesting indeed... perhaps, if I dare put it in other words.. it is about an attachment with desires but no expectation of fulfillment?


    Yes, for though desire itself is an attachment--a poison & a roadblock to enlightenment--but at the same time a condition of living this human existence, then having "no expectation of fulfillment" would be antidotal to desire, not when unfulfilled desires stir even more poisons (frustration, resentment, hatred et al) but when out of the defilement pours compassion for both ourselves and for others.

    Such that when the OP says that he "never feel(s) remorse for the people (he) cut(s) off or the people (he) give(s) up", I suspect some measure of denial which is not enlightment. What might serve as a healthy tool to help someone move on, to not hold onto a world that is changing, can also sever that person from the aspect of himself which is immutable, his compassion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2012 4:50 AM GMT
    The Green Hopping One wrote:Very interesting indeed... perhaps, if I dare put it in other words.. it is about an attachment with desires but no expectation of fulfillment?


    Story of my younger years - I'd get all kinds of twisted over what people said or how (I thought) they perceived me.

    These days I'm much more apathetic towards douchebags and their douchebaggery.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2012 4:52 AM GMT
    I'm very good at this, though as I have matured, I realized not everyone is worthy of being simply "cut off"

    things can be easier/less harsh than that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2012 4:53 AM GMT
    theantijock said<

    Such that when the OP says that he "never feel(s) remorse for the people (he) cut(s) off or the people (he) give(s) up", I suspect some measure of denial which is not enlightment. What might serve as a healthy tool to help someone move on, to not hold onto a world that is changing, can also sever that person from the aspect of himself which is immutable, his compassion.


    Perhaps not.. the people I have cut off I cut off specifically becuase I did NOT want them in my life anymore.. in this case.. the desire is for distance, which is still a desire
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2012 2:06 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    theantijock said<

    Such that when the OP says that he "never feel(s) remorse for the people (he) cut(s) off or the people (he) give(s) up", I suspect some measure of denial which is not enlightment. What might serve as a healthy tool to help someone move on, to not hold onto a world that is changing, can also sever that person from the aspect of himself which is immutable, his compassion.


    Perhaps not.. the people I have cut off I cut off specifically because I did NOT want them in my life anymore.. in this case.. the desire is for distance, which is still a desire


    Desire cuts both ways.

    I did not say anything about the OP & his xfriend going their separate ways in regard to each person's individual enlightenment. Recognizing that the very same action can be beneficial in one way yet can also be harmful in another way, I said that what indicated to me a bit of unenlightenment was not cutting someone off but the denial of feelings which do not simply cut out.

    Because out of the recognition of the pain or the sense of loss or of the regret if just of time wasted or time that could have been spent with someone who might have lasted longer, of whatever aspect of that relationship which caused its demise, not in the denial or shrugging off of any sense of remorse, but in our efforts to find peace with circumstance does compassion arise.