For you married couples out there: What's it like?

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    Jan 15, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    Does being married add a new dimension to your relationship with your man?

    Me and my partner have been together almost nine years now. We've had our ups and downs, like all LTRs, but our bond has become stronger through it all. Although marriage is not yet an option here in California, it's only a matter of time before it will be a real possibility.

    Aside from the legal and financial benefits that come with marriage, what are the emotional or psychological benefits you've experienced from being married?

    Does it provide any addition sense of security or feelings of commitment that weren't there before?

    Life is so unpredictable. Nothing stays the same. But I'd like to think that being married would allow me to experience at least ONE stable platform from which to view the rest of my life.
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    Jan 15, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    "Does it provide any addition sense of security or feelings of commitment that weren't there before?"

    YES, in that it is a formal, public and witnessed demonstration of offering security, both emotional and otherwise, and a formal, public and witnessed demonstration of confirmation of feelings of commitment to each other.

    What's interesting is the straight reaction; we are suddenly part of their societies in a way that is very fundamental - we're married.

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    Jan 15, 2012 5:17 PM GMT
    meninlove said "Does it provide any addition sense of security or feelings of commitment that weren't there before?"

    YES, in that it is a formal, public and witnessed demonstration of offering security, both emotional and otherwise, and a formal, public and witnessed demonstration of confirmation of feelings of commitment to each other.

    What's interesting is the straight reaction; we are suddenly part of their societies in a way that is very fundamental - we're married.



    You bring up an aspect I hadn't considered. So you're saying that the public demonstration of your bond provides you personally with a greater sense of what... Pride? Equality? Even "worthiness"?

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    Jan 15, 2012 5:25 PM GMT

    "You bring up an aspect I hadn't considered. So you're saying that the public demonstration of your bond provides you personally with a greater sense of what... Pride? Equality? Even "worthiness"?"

    Hmm....well, no to the worthiness, as I'm not sure in what context you use it. More of a thrill that your love has publicly declared what he has until now kept personal. As well, there was an immense validation and conviction for me in making this declaration to Bill publicly, so yes to a sense of pride.

    Yes to the sense of equality offered by our straight counterparts (and boy did they ever go overboard with that, lol!)

    There was something profoundly powerful when the Commissioner asked who was giving us to each other and the guests (oddly all straight as the gay people we knew couldn't make it with such short notice) roared out in one voice,
    "WE DO!"

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    Jan 15, 2012 5:37 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    "You bring up an aspect I hadn't considered. So you're saying that the public demonstration of your bond provides you personally with a greater sense of what... Pride? Equality? Even "worthiness"?"

    Hmm....well, no to the worthiness, as I'm not sure in what context you use it. More of a thrill that your love has publicly declared what he has until now kept personal. As well, there was an immense validation and conviction for me in making this declaration to Bill publicly, so yes to a sense of pride.

    Yes to the sense of equality offered by our straight counterparts (and boy did they ever go overboard with that, lol!)

    There was something profoundly powerful when the Commissioner asked who was giving us to each other and the guests (oddly all straight as the gay people we knew couldn't make it with such short notice) roared out in one voice,
    "WE DO!"



    That is so cool!

    It hadn't occurred to me that this public declaration would provide such a tangible sense of validity. That really intrigues me.

    But further to my point... Did getting married change or somehow enhance the feelings you have for each other?
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    Jan 15, 2012 5:38 PM GMT
    When our legally married friends (done at their vacation residence in New Hampshire) refer to each other as "husband" I feel a mixture of happiness for them, and jealousy. When my partner & I call each other husband it seems hollow and incomplete to me, since we can't marry in Florida, like we're little kids playing at house with pretended marriage.

    And even our married friends know it's not entirely complete for them, either, husbands only in NH and a limited number of recognizing States, but not at all within the Federal government. I've thought that when DOMA is repealed my partner and I would find a State that will marry us.

    But now I think we might do an extralegal commitment ceremony before then, I believe our local MCC will perform it. It does mean that much to us.
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:04 PM GMT

    "Did getting married change or somehow enhance the feelings you have for each other?"

    Well let's see....change in the sense that it's a public and legal consummation of both our feelings for each other, which is quite magnificent in scope.

    Enhanced in the sense that it presented to others public and legal confirmation of the depth, height and breadth of our love for each other.

    lol, up til we were married, we used to tell people we were joined in Holy Mortgage.



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    Jan 15, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidWhen our legally married friends (done at their vacation residence in New Hampshire) refer to each other as "husband" I feel a mixture of happiness for them, and jealousy. When my partner & I call each other husband it seems hollow and incomplete to me, since we can't marry in Florida, like we're little kids playing at house with pretended marriage.

    And even our married friends know it's not entirely complete for them, either, husbands only in NH and a limited number of recognizing States, but not at all within the Federal government. I've thought that when DOMA is repealed my partner and I would find a State that will marry us.

    But now I think we might do an extralegal commitment ceremony before then, I believe our local MCC will perform it. It does mean that much to us.


    During after dinner conversation at a family gathering a couple of nights ago, the subject of marriage came up. My sister asked why wouldn't we just have a ceremony and call ourselves married. I quickly reminded her that name-only marriage brings none of the legal and financial benefits she and her husband currently enjoy (or perhaps take for granted). A nice educational moment with the extended family in attendance.

    I appreciate and respect that many couples may choose commitment ceremonies, domestic partnerships and so on. My heartfelt best wishes to you and your partner whichever route you choose.

    My preference is to hold out for the whole magilla. I want the complete experience of being married, not just a simulation or "as close as we can legally get." It means that much to me. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:16 PM GMT


    Bill says (looking at the legal ramifications) that there was a sensation of being safe from the predations of some relatives in the event of one of our untimely demises.
    What makes this different from a pile of lawyer's documents (which are expensive and completely unnecessary in a regular old marriage) is the way it combines all the aspects of a relationship, both love/romantically and legally.



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    Jan 15, 2012 6:30 PM GMT
    meninlove saidchange in the sense that it's a public and legal consummation of both our feelings for each other, which is quite magnificent in scope.

    Enhanced in the sense that it presented to others public and legal confirmation of the depth, height and breadth of our love for each other.

    I'm single, but I would someday like to be married and raise children. I wonder if this public affirmation of love and commitment also strengthens the commitment itself. Do you see what I'm asking?

    I recently ended a 9-year relationship. I has not been easy, and there are still many knots that need to be untied. But ultimately, it's just a breakup. I've said that what we're going through is "like" a divorce, but it's not really a divorce. Our friends all liked us as a couple, and knew we were committed, but we had never made any promises in front of anyone. And I think there is something to the notion of taking public vows. Isn't there?
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:41 PM GMT
    My American husband and I have never seek ed to be married, even though we have been together for 20+ years and it very much look like until death do us part. But we do have de facto status forced on us now, were we are seen by the government as being married. It means less benefits available to me as an Aussie if I needed them; but it really is more of a disadvantage to us I feel, as we are happy contented not being married, it does not change our love or commitment. not has it ever gotten in the way of anything. Wish we could have this De facto status removed but thats what the gay activist have done to us; oh or is that for us?
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:47 PM GMT
    One of my much older friends married her husband about 8 years ago despite having been with him nearly 21 years. Granted, I'm talking about a straight couple, but she finally got married out of social pressure mostly from her family. She said she often got the impression from her parents, siblings, and relatives that her relationship wasn't considered serious or "real" until there was a marriage license.
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:50 PM GMT

    19c79 said, "I recently ended a 9-year relationship. I has not been easy, and there are still many knots that need to be untied. But ultimately, it's just a breakup. I've said that what we're going through is "like" a divorce, but it's not really a divorce. Our friends all liked us as a couple, and knew we were committed, but we had never made any promises in front of anyone.

    And I think there is something to the notion of taking public vows. Isn't there?"


    Hmmm...well, no, if the intent is to somehow reinforce commitment to one another. We think that the commitment, fidelity, dedication and mutual desire that the relationship is for a lifetime needs to be there entirely first and that marriage is the public consummation of all of those things.

    We were married in 2009, after 20 years together. We made non-legal commitments to each other in a just-the-two-of-us ceremony back in the first year we met, when marriage was not legal. Willis our dog was the sole witness, there on the beach all those years ago. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 15, 2012 6:52 PM GMT
    pocketnico said, "She said she often got the impression from her parents, siblings, and relatives that her relationship wasn't considered serious or "real" until there was a marriage license."

    We sometimes got that impression as well.



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    Jan 15, 2012 6:52 PM GMT
    Squarepeg said During after dinner conversation at a family gathering a couple of nights ago, the subject of marriage came up. My sister asked why wouldn't we just have a ceremony and call ourselves married. I quickly reminded her that name-only marriage brings none of the legal and financial benefits she and her husband currently enjoy (or perhaps take for granted). A nice educational moment with the extended family in attendance.



    Our daughter is in the last stages of completing a second divorce. So, she and her second husband are currently dividing up assets and deciding on child support and custody. Meanwhile, her soon-to-be-ex-husband has become a father again with another woman. They are planning to get married as soon as the divorce is final.

    My spouse and I have been together for 20 years and don't currently enjoy the bevy of legal and financial benefits made available to our serially married children. For a long time, we couldn't even share medical insurance benefits, something that any married couple is instantly afforded.

    It illustrates to me the great inequality that exists -- straight couples, some of whom take marriage rights for granted, are given benefits that they "earned" by executing a legal contract in the eyes of the state.

    Yes, I would love to have a publicly recognized, legal marriage. I'm holding out for it to become legal in here in Maryland so that we can stop feeling like we've been pushed to the side like long-term commitment doesn't matter.
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    Jan 15, 2012 7:42 PM GMT
    I do not feel any differently towards my husband now then I did when I called him my other half. This might be because we were together for over 15 years before we were able to get legally married. There is an enormous difference legally. For example, last year was the first time we were able to file taxes here together. For the first five years we were better off filing separately just like before our marriage.

    We had 18 people at our wedding and reception, most of which were straight couples. I am not sure if any of those straight people needed confirmation of our love or that it reinforced their postive feelings toward gay couples, however, many of them did say it was the best they had ever been to, straight or gay.
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    Jan 15, 2012 8:35 PM GMT
    Alexander7 said, "There is an enormous difference legally. For example, last year was the first time we were able to file taxes here together."

    You know, there was a strange and interestingly deep romantic aspect to finally filing our taxes together. Now who'd have thought taxes and romance would ever sit at the same table, eh? icon_wink.gif