I fell for a friend

  • mma4789

    Posts: 9

    Jan 16, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    Hello gentlemen, I'm new to the site and just wanted to get some advice. I'm writing because I have developed strong feelings for a friend of mine. We met this summer and, though I initially thought he was a total prick, I have grown to love and care for him very deeply. He is everything I could ever imagine wanting in a partner. When I'm with him I feel at peace, invincible even. When I'm not with him I feel like a teenager all over again---I catch myself daydreaming about him and fighting the urge to text him. We have been apart, geographically at least, for a few months which has indeed helped to ease the pain of unrequited love. He is gay so at least I have a slim chance, but I am 99% confident he is not interested in me. In fact, I was his wingman on several occasions throughout the summer and had to watch him hook up with men who were similarly out of my league.

    I can't fight the way that he makes me feel anymore. My dilemma is this: I just don't know if telling him how I feel is worth potentially losing him as a friend and looking like a fool. I considered writing him a letter revealing everything but I now think that if i do this I should confront him in person. He was a dear friend to me during a very emotional time in which I was confronting some major hangups that I had regarding my sexuality. I also have to mention that he is depressed and it kills me to see him so unhappy. I'm considering foregoing telling him about my romantic inclinations for him and simply letting him know how much I appreciate his friendship, how proud of him I am, and how amazing a person he truly is. I selfishly hoped that I could be the one to give him the love and fulfillment that he deserves, but above all I want him to know that he deserves to be happy.

    So, have any of you ever been in this situation? I would appreciate any advice you all can give me. Thanks.
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    Jan 16, 2012 6:02 AM GMT


    "and had to watch him hook up with men who were similarly out of my league."

    I ditched that line of thought very early on when I was younger. He's not out of your league, nor were they.
    The question, considering the above, is whether he's in yours. icon_wink.gif For that reason, I don't see why you can't tell him in passing, with a grin, that every now and then you have a crush on him, and see what he says.

    -Doug
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    Jan 16, 2012 6:48 AM GMT
    I would tell in person.. but not make it a big deal.. like meninlove said.. just smile and grin now and then and give him a joyful bit on how you feel.. keep it light...
  • mma4789

    Posts: 9

    Jan 16, 2012 7:10 AM GMT
    Thank you gentlemen I appreciate it. I just realized I posted this in the wrong forum. Sorry about that...I'm new here
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    Jan 16, 2012 7:12 AM GMT
    self worth , you really need some, then go for it, if it fails, fuck dat shit gurrrl plenty of menz in the sea of cum
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    Jan 16, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    Stop apologizing so much, seriously.


    I would suggest not telling him how you have feelings for him and hope that he feels the same way UNTIL your self confidence is as high as his or higher than him.
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    Jan 16, 2012 7:49 PM GMT
    mma4789 saidHello gentlemen, I'm new to the site and just wanted to get some advice. I'm writing because I have developed strong feelings for a friend of mine. We met this summer and, though I initially thought he was a total prick, I have grown to love and care for him very deeply. He is everything I could ever imagine wanting in a partner. When I'm with him I feel at peace, invincible even. When I'm not with him I feel like a teenager all over again---I catch myself daydreaming about him and fighting the urge to text him. We have been apart, geographically at least, for a few months which has indeed helped to ease the pain of unrequited love. He is gay so at least I have a slim chance, but I am 99% confident he is not interested in me. In fact, I was his wingman on several occasions throughout the summer and had to watch him hook up with men who were similarly out of my league.

    I can't fight the way that he makes me feel anymore. My dilemma is this: I just don't know if telling him how I feel is worth potentially losing him as a friend and looking like a fool. I considered writing him a letter revealing everything but I now think that if i do this I should confront him in person. He was a dear friend to me during a very emotional time in which I was confronting some major hangups that I had regarding my sexuality. I also have to mention that he is depressed and it kills me to see him so unhappy. I'm considering foregoing telling him about my romantic inclinations for him and simply letting him know how much I appreciate his friendship, how proud of him I am, and how amazing a person he truly is. I selfishly hoped that I could be the one to give him the love and fulfillment that he deserves, but above all I want him to know that he deserves to be happy.

    So, have any of you ever been in this situation? I would appreciate any advice you all can give me. Thanks.


    Having just gone through a somewhat similar situation - I advise you to take some time to write something meaningful, well-planned, and as concise as possible that encapsulates all of your feelings. Take your time with it, make every word count. And send him the message. Don't spring it on him in person. Something this important, for your sake, you probably want him to take some time to run it through the course of his mind and respond well, rather than receiving a gutshot reaction that might be less sensitive (in the case of rejection) or more forward ("okay let's have sex") if you actually want a full-on relationship with him.

    Be cautious about it since you know he has a track record of hooking up.

    The worst you can hear is "thanks for the compliments but I am not interested in you that way" ... if you can live with that rejection, you have to take the leap and let him know your true feelings. He can't read your mind otherwise. And the old gym teacher poster says: you miss 100% of the shots you never take.

    I took the leap and I am pretty risk-averse. I think Doug always gives the best advice on here - and he wrote "see what he says." Good luck icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 17, 2012 6:18 AM GMT
    mma4789 saidHello gentlemen, I'm new to the site and just wanted to get some advice. I'm writing because I have developed strong feelings for a friend of mine. We met this summer and, though I initially thought he was a total prick, I have grown to love and care for him very deeply. He is everything I could ever imagine wanting in a partner. When I'm with him I feel at peace, invincible even. When I'm not with him I feel like a teenager all over again---I catch myself daydreaming about him and fighting the urge to text him. We have been apart, geographically at least, for a few months which has indeed helped to ease the pain of unrequited love. He is gay so at least I have a slim chance, but I am 99% confident he is not interested in me. In fact, I was his wingman on several occasions throughout the summer and had to watch him hook up with men who were similarly out of my league.

    I can't fight the way that he makes me feel anymore. My dilemma is this: I just don't know if telling him how I feel is worth potentially losing him as a friend and looking like a fool. I considered writing him a letter revealing everything but I now think that if i do this I should confront him in person. He was a dear friend to me during a very emotional time in which I was confronting some major hangups that I had regarding my sexuality. I also have to mention that he is depressed and it kills me to see him so unhappy. I'm considering foregoing telling him about my romantic inclinations for him and simply letting him know how much I appreciate his friendship, how proud of him I am, and how amazing a person he truly is. I selfishly hoped that I could be the one to give him the love and fulfillment that he deserves, but above all I want him to know that he deserves to be happy.

    So, have any of you ever been in this situation? I would appreciate any advice you all can give me. Thanks.


    I recently went through a similar situation. I really started to have feelings for my friends but he was (and still is) head over heels in love with his boyfriend. So when I went to visit him we talked about his boyfriend a lot, which was really hard. What made it even worse is that he is a very affectionate person, so when I went to visit him I sort of allowed myself to start thinking about what it would be like to really be with him. With us watching movies together, him resting his head on my shoulder, cooking breakfast for me, it was a little hard not to. lol. And even though I knew he didn't feel the same about me I decided to let him know how I felt. I wrote him a letter to let him digest the information, and when he came back to town it was a little awkward at first, but after about 15 minutes things were back to normal and we are still great friends. So I say let him know. For some reason, even though I knew he would say that he wasn't interested, letting him know how I felt really helped me get over my feelings for him. If he's really a friend, even if he isn't interested, it won't be a big deal. Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 17, 2012 6:24 AM GMT
    Well, talk to him and if he is a good friend he should understand. You can probably say those good things about him and hint that you like him more than as a friend and see what he says. Worst case he doesn't feel that way and its awkward for a bit.. then back to normal icon_razz.gif
  • mma4789

    Posts: 9

    Jan 18, 2012 3:27 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. I appreciate it. Still figuring out what to do but your advice helps
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    Jan 18, 2012 4:24 AM GMT
    I'm in this situation right now and I'm going to advise you to slow down a bit, but keep in mind that my advice is colored by my own experience.

    What happens when you do things that start to move you toward "the line" between platonic friendship and romantic friendship? Are you able to show physical affection? Flirt a bit? That is a big "tell," I think.

    With my situation, sometimes when something has taken a step toward or onto that line for the first time, my friend will act a bit weird for anywhere from a few hours to a few days afterwards. It leaves me wondering if he's sorting out his internal issues about liking it, or trying to send me a message. He's very emotionally closed off, so it's hard to tell.

    I can see my friend being the kind of person who changes the mood of a friendship because he can't deal with that kind of revelation. Maybe your friend is much more in touch with himself and would be better able to sail past the awkward stage, as many so far have said would happen. I hope for your sake that that is what would happen if it turns out that he is not into you that way.

    I feel your pain - I know what it's like to watch that special guy hooking up with someone else and having to pretend you're psyched for him; it's like constantly being Watts in "Some Kind of Wonderful." It's a pain in your gut that sears right up into your chest and breaks every rib. Especially if you see him repeating patterns that let him stay in a comfort zone but not grow very much. I get what it's like to think you could be a catalyst for positive growth. Be very very careful that you're not going to try to "fix" him - I am currently examining whether that might be part of my own thing - you mention being "the one" to give him what "he deserves," and that warrants a good hard look at yourself.

    Sorry to be the "Debbie Downer" but I wanted to add that perspective just so you could have another angle. Best of luck to you!
  • mma4789

    Posts: 9

    Jan 19, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    I don't mean to give the impression that I'm trying to "fix" him; in fact there's nothing I dislike or would change about him. I love everything about him. It's more that I wish he knew how special he is and that he deserves happiness. Also, I would feel comfortable bringing some sort of flirtation or courtship aspect to our relationship but now we no longer live in the same city. I am working on arranging our next visit but I imagine we will be seeing each other less and less from now on. That's why I ultimately think that I will confront him about everything. My window of opportunity for potentially being with him is gone simply due to the fact that I'm trying to move out of state. That said, I'm still hoping for the best.
  • lykewise

    Posts: 30

    Jan 21, 2012 5:49 PM GMT
    EliStark saidI'm in this situation right now and I'm going to advise you to slow down a bit, but keep in mind that my advice is colored by my own experience.

    What happens when you do things that start to move you toward "the line" between platonic friendship and romantic friendship? Are you able to show physical affection? Flirt a bit? That is a big "tell," I think.

    With my situation, sometimes when something has taken a step toward or onto that line for the first time, my friend will act a bit weird for anywhere from a few hours to a few days afterwards. It leaves me wondering if he's sorting out his internal issues about liking it, or trying to send me a message. He's very emotionally closed off, so it's hard to tell.

    I can see my friend being the kind of person who changes the mood of a friendship because he can't deal with that kind of revelation. Maybe your friend is much more in touch with himself and would be better able to sail past the awkward stage, as many so far have said would happen. I hope for your sake that that is what would happen if it turns out that he is not into you that way.

    I feel your pain - I know what it's like to watch that special guy hooking up with someone else and having to pretend you're psyched for him; it's like constantly being Watts in "Some Kind of Wonderful." It's a pain in your gut that sears right up into your chest and breaks every rib. Especially if you see him repeating patterns that let him stay in a comfort zone but not grow very much. I get what it's like to think you could be a catalyst for positive growth. Be very very careful that you're not going to try to "fix" him - I am currently examining whether that might be part of my own thing - you mention being "the one" to give him what "he deserves," and that warrants a good hard look at yourself.

    Sorry to be the "Debbie Downer" but I wanted to add that perspective just so you could have another angle. Best of luck to you!


    I can relate to everything you say.
    And also feeling the urge to go for guys that are "broken"... Wanting to take care of them because you know how they feel and stuff...

    Here a sad song so you can cry or sing along hahaha :p

  • mma4789

    Posts: 9

    Jan 23, 2012 11:19 PM GMT
    Maybe you're right. I should probably just let it go. We're both headed in different locations geographically. We probably function better as friends anyway. My big heart already gets me into too much trouble...no need to complicate my relationship with a dear friend.
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    Jan 23, 2012 11:21 PM GMT
    Been there and it didn't end up well. I'd try to avoid it.