post break up with the ex: remain casual friends or never see him again?

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 16, 2012 12:47 PM GMT
    is it better to keep your ex as a casual friend, chatting with him via text massages, email, facebook, twitter and other social media outlets, ocassionally meeting up for drinks or other outings....

    or is it better for "getting over him" to cut him totally out of your life, with no contact of any type; because contact with the ex will remind you of the past with him and inhibit your ability to move on?

    or perhaps a mixture of both of the above?

    I have received all of the above as post-relationship therapy suggestions.

    wadduathunk?



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    Jan 16, 2012 1:52 PM GMT
    Oh no, you guys split up!?

    Massive sad face!!

    Well, I think that you can stay friends with an ex but there has to be a 'cooling off' period, which is different for everyone in terms of time, but means it's best to not be in touch or see them at all for a certain period.

    You need to re-establish your life as a single guy and so does he, and then see if you can re-establish your relationship as a friendship.

    Why don't you suggest it and put a time scale on it, say, 2 months where you don't get in touch and then after that see how you go?
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Jan 16, 2012 1:59 PM GMT
    Depends really. I have one on MSN/facebook, and the other cut off completely (bad ending). My bf has one ex very close as a friend. I can't say I'm not a little jealous now and then; apparentley, my bf even told me that he admitted to having feelings for him still.

    As long as you "know" it's over I think it's okay. There will be residual feelings, there always will, I think. So I'd say it depends on if you can manage those residual feelings and seperate the nostalgic from what your feelings are right now. I can't say it's always easy, but it's possible. The other thing that might affect it is of course how the other person feels.

    The reason I say that it's sometimes worth to stay friends with exes at all is because: obviously you had enough is common and liked each other to some extent at some point(unless the relationship was purely superficial), so not having them as a friend seems a bit of a waste since people like that won't show up too often.

    The argument against that is of course that one "burns the bridges" once they cross from friendship to relationship. And yes it's a bit difficult, I don't think you can go back to the state you were in before the relationship, but I do think it's possible to create a new state of friendship.
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    Jan 16, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    rnch saidis it better to keep your ex as a casual friend, chatting with him via text massages, email, facebook, twitter and other social media outlets, ocassionally meeting up for drinks or other outings....

    or is it better for "getting over him" to cut him totally out of your life, with no contact of any type; because contact with the ex will remind you of the past with him and inhibit your ability to move on?

    or perhaps a mixture of both of the above?

    I have received all of the above as post-relationship therapy suggestions.

    wadduathunk?



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    keep him in your life if he desires to be so.

    two of my exes remain in my life and both are very best friends with me. a good thing too since one is a lawyer and i get free legal advice whenever i need to have it.
    i don't do face book or twitter or any such. i speak to him via the phone, by email and in person. we meet for dinner often.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 16, 2012 6:29 PM GMT
    rnch saidis it better to keep your ex as a casual friend, chatting with him via text massages, email, facebook, twitter and other social media outlets, ocassionally meeting up for drinks or other outings....

    or is it better for "getting over him" to cut him totally out of your life, with no contact of any type; because contact with the ex will remind you of the past with him and inhibit your ability to move on?

    or perhaps a mixture of both of the above?

    I have received all of the above as post-relationship therapy suggestions.

    wadduathunk?



    icon_confused.gif
    I say it depends on how you guys broke up with each other. If you broke up on bad terms than i say forget about him. If you broke up on good terms than yeah keep him as a friend why not
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    Jan 16, 2012 8:39 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear you broke up with your EMT (?) guy......
    It seems especially difficult when you are way past the age of consent.

    But that's life.

    As for remaining casual friends, it depends on the circumstances involving the dissolution of your relationship.

    I have difficulty remaining cordial, but that's just me. It is hard to be friends with someone who was once your lover.....and then to have to hear about their new BF....oh Gawd! No.... I could not do it, but if you can, more power to you.


    All the best to you, sexy man.

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    Jan 16, 2012 8:52 PM GMT

    I say this assuming that you didn't invest, raise a family or build a home together.

    Shake his hand - hug if you'd like.

    Sincerely wish him the best.

    Smile and walk away..

    You deserve good things and one of them is being free of a relationship that didn't work. So does he.

    Together you tried and it didn't work - leave it at that I say.
  • eckilegs

    Posts: 223

    Jan 16, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    If you guys can and are mutually interested in maintaining contact and the relationship is not damaging to either of you, why not stay friends?
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jan 16, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    I am friends with most of my exes, I worked hard to get that to happen in a few cases. But I think about how I will feel 5 to 10 years from the break up and not know where they are or how they are, and I definitely want to know. They are still important people in my life on some level, even if they are part of my history as opposed to future.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 17, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    At this point neither one of us is sure what he wants to do about the other. total break up, distant friends, FWB, close friends....who the heck knows at this point in our lives? We both agree that we cannot go back to the defined, comitted, bf relationship that we had for the last few years.

    So much drama goin' on with two guys who admit that they still love (but are not "in love") each other! We are both in so much pain today.

    We have agreed on a "30 day cooling off period" during which we will not see the other and to limit our text and internet contact as much as possible.

    Then, one month from now, we will sit down and have a calm, polite face-to-face conversation about our future together....or apart.




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    Jan 17, 2012 12:24 AM GMT
    A few months of separation so you can both can heal and then when your both ready, maybe you can reconcile as friends.

    Like other posters said, it depends on the circumstance as well.
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    Jan 17, 2012 12:34 AM GMT
    I'm a fan of your cool off period. I broke up with my ex in November, and finally had our last fool around/makeout/cuddle session New Years weekend lol. Pathetic, I knowicon_rolleyes.gif. The sexual energy/general attraction was just too strong and neither of us wanted to go back to having none of each other (until now). We finally realized that although we didn't want to date, we also didn't want to objectify each other and reduce what we had to pure sexual release. It's been a couple weeks since I've seen him, and we rarely text (he instigates but I don't reply). I'm beginning to realize that I had invested a lot more into things than he did, and that at this point I might be happier not having him as such a big part of my life. We have mutual friends, and will likely end up at the same gatherings from time to time and will be civil, but at this point I don't think I need/want more than that with him. All in good time ;)
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    Jan 17, 2012 12:57 AM GMT
    It really depends on the terms of your breakup. And how deeply you cared for one another during the relationship.

    One ex and I kept in contact for a long time... but we didn't move in the same social circles to begin with so the friendship fizzled out. We had ended on fairly mutual terms (he broke up with me, but I was fine with him doing it). I didn't love him and I don't think he loved me, so the breakup was just a thing.

    My most recent ex... I loved him from the roots of my soul. And I can't imagine ever speaking with him on purpose. No one ever wounded me so deeply as he did.
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    Jan 17, 2012 1:01 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about the break up!

    I usually say it depends on how it happened. My recent one was not a pretty one and i have cut him off completely while he has tried to connect.I just have so many feelings about how it ended I do not feel that it would be right to meet until I can sit down and have a productive conversation.

    I have two other exes that I have casual relationship with who we took about 6 months off and now are on good terms.

    It all depends on you and the relationship
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    Jan 17, 2012 6:01 AM GMT
    Sorry you're going through this.

    I generally stay friends with my exes. Even though we're no longer in relationships, they're still great guys and I still enjoy having them in my life. Also, I know that we broke up for a reason and there is no way we're going to get back together.

    It really depends on why you broke up. If the guy cheated on you or broke your trust, it would be very, very difficult to want to keep him in your life. If he didn't then maybe you'll need some time apart and then work your way to being friends again.


    If you're not sure where you stand, take a look at your ex. If you want to punch him in the face or feel heartbroken looking at him, you're not ready to have him in your life as a friend. If you look at him and see someone you value and would like to keep him in your life, then stay friends.
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    Jan 17, 2012 6:04 AM GMT
    Pure saidOh no, you guys split up!?

    Massive sad face!!

    Well, I think that you can stay friends with an ex but there has to be a 'cooling off' period, which is different for everyone in terms of time, but means it's best to not be in touch or see them at all for a certain period.

    You need to re-establish your life as a single guy and so does he, and then see if you can re-establish your relationship as a friendship.

    Why don't you suggest it and put a time scale on it, say, 2 months where you don't get in touch and then after that see how you go?


    I agree. My ex and I tried to stay friends immediately after we broke up and it just caused more problems. When those emotions are still there (and I'm sure they are), one thing can lead to another and then things just get really confusing. Our break-up dragged on for months until we decided to cut off all communication for a few months. After we were able to have a good relationship and "those" feelings were definitely gone, which was good.
  • helios01

    Posts: 349

    Jan 17, 2012 8:40 AM GMT
    depends on each situation. It should be something both parties are comfortable with
    My ex wanted to stay friends and stuff... but i am really not emotionally capable of doing so. ( it was weird... i could date him but his qualities and ways are not something i would want in a friend.... 0-0....)
    I just wanted to cut him out so that i could just forget him.
    I always see problems when two people who dated become friends... its always messy, weird, and full of DRAMA....

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    Jan 17, 2012 8:57 AM GMT
    No idea... Im asking myself that question now.
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    Jan 17, 2012 9:32 AM GMT
    I have to admit I think the situation is different for everyone... with some ppl you really HAVE to cut it off.. with others the friendship is strong enough to last.. but that is only if the friendship is strong enough to be able to see past personal differences
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    Jan 17, 2012 9:32 AM GMT
    I don't really think there is one right way that applies to everyone..


    though I will say (like I have said before) in general it seems to be harder to get over people ifthey are still in your life.

    But really the question is.... do you really want to get over him already?

    I don't really think that that is what you want and therefore it can be really hard to let go.

    A friend of mine gave me advice once in a similar situation.

    He told me to keep calling him, texting him, download songs about him, visit him everything....
    Sooner rather than later you will be done with rejection and will be ready to get over him.

    If he doesn't reject your attempts that's also a win right?
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Jan 19, 2012 4:47 PM GMT
    For me, it is better to not have anything to do with an ex for sometime. By having that constant reminder of someone you cared about, the process of moving on makes it harder. Can you really be friends with a recent ex? Are you ready to handle new romantic interests in their lives, or the fact that they might have moved on before you? Or maybe you've moved on and they can't let go. There are too many feelings invested in a relationship, where remaining in contact after the breakup could blur many, many lines.

    I don't like confusion. I deleted my ex's number, I deleted him off of Facebook, and I got rid of our pictures. He finds it odd, according to a friend, that I did all of this like we never had anything - but I did it for the opposite. I know me, and I know I would not get over him if I have the ability to look at him all the time. Or have the ability to reach him whenever.

    In all my past relationships, the distance between the two makes the heart go fonder. My first boyfriend came back after our cool down a few months later, and made several attempts in the years to come. My second quasi-boyfriend did the same.
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    Jan 19, 2012 5:16 PM GMT
    It is possible to become friends after being lovers.

    But you have to be strangers for a while in between.
    Have NOTHING to do with each other for ... a year or so.
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    Jan 19, 2012 5:28 PM GMT
    Seriously depends on how things went down. If was hurt or if I hurt him in anyway that would cause a break up then I wouldn't want to b friends.

    If the breakup was a mutual thing then sure but there would be some rules put into place as friends.

    Either way I wouldn't do a repeat with him meaning I wouldn't get back together with him.