LTR Neurotics.

  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jan 17, 2012 12:50 PM GMT
    So I've been in a relationship for over a year. Sure its had its ups and downs like every relationship but recently I've kinda been turning into a neurotic mess.

    I'm not proud to say this but yes I have snooped internet history etc.
    Anyway I was searching "madeon" in the address bar and what should pop up but "manhunt" I went to his internet history and it said the site was accessed over 6 months ago. But 6 months ago we were still together. I actually confronted him but only showed him the address bar, not the history. He admitted he used to have it (which im not bothered about) before we go together.
    I'm so paro that I actually created a fake manhunt profile for all of 30 mins and searched the guys his age in our city. Nothing.
    Does anyone know if internet history has a tab that classifies things as older than a year or anything? I know it gives you the past seven days, then months, then 6 months - how about a further tab?
    Further more how do I stop being such a creeper? 4 months ago I could say that I would trust him fully, but now I'm not so sure. He's done nothing to prove that my trust is misfounded, so why do I feel this way.
    Also I know people say age is nothing but a number but he is 8 years older than me and at the moment it feels like I can't match his living standards (i'm a recent graduate - he's almost a director).

    I feel like I'm looking for excuses to catch him out for something. What is my problem?

    Can anyone provide any insight/ opinions please?

    Thanks,

    Fable
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    Jan 17, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    Maybe that login to the account was him deleting his profile?
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    Jan 17, 2012 1:24 PM GMT
    Don't do it again... it's a slippery slope to hell from there.
    Take it from a guy who did the same.
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    Jan 17, 2012 3:05 PM GMT
    Just because someone looks around on a sight with hot guys does not mean he was cheating on you, or wanted to cheat on you. Sometimes its just a turn on to look at hot guys. I've dated guys who got jealous if I made lusty comments about the studs in the Gillette shaving commercial. Are you one of those jealous types?

    If you run around with a bundle of insecurities and fear of abandonment you will end up alone. I think you know this. You need to become more secure in yourself and less worried about what other people might be doing. Start by consciously letting go of destructive thoughts as soon as you realize you're indulging in them. A cognitive behavioural psychologist can help you with all of this.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jan 17, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    Nivek saidJust because someone looks around on a sight with hot guys does not mean he was cheating on you, or wanted to cheat on you. Sometimes its just a turn on to look at hot guys. I've dated guys who got jealous if I made lusty comments about the studs in the Gillette shaving commercial. Are you one of those jealous types?

    If you run around with a bundle of insecurities and fear of abandonment you will end up alone. I think you know this. You need to become more secure in yourself and less worried about what other people might be doing. Start by consciously letting go of destructive thoughts as soon as you realize you're indulging in them. A cognitive behavioural psychologist can help you with all of this.


    I couldn't care less if he's on porn or makes a comment about some random hot guy in the street. I'm not naive enough to feel like that's a slight on my attractiveness etc.

    Its the fact that he may or may not have been on manhunt and I'm not naive enough to think that he's going on manhunt "just to look" at guys.
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    Jan 17, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    Who goes on manhunt, a4a, grindr etc just to look at guys?? Those are hookup websites. Yea, I tried making a "looking for LTR" sort of profile not in those exact words, and then I still get the same sexual inquiries. I'm sure you would get the same if partnered or married or whatnot.
    There's porno that's much higher quality for free than looking at other people's self pics on hookup websites.

    If you suspect then ask him about it. Snooping and going crazy about it is called Mind Reading and Catastrophizing, both of which are methods of distorted thinking, according to my cognitive behavioral therapist icon_razz.gif I'm currently learning to not think so much and live outside my head a bit. The world is WAY nicer than I thought it was when I'm more open and confirm or ask rather than assume and worry.
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    Jan 17, 2012 4:35 PM GMT
    If you're gonna stay in ltr with this guy you have to trust him, but prepare for that trust to be broken. For example, trust that he's being monogamous (if the two of you choose to do so), but still use protection or get tested.

    If you can't trust him, you need to re-examine why you're. With him. Is there a possibility that you don't trust him because you know you wouldn't trust yourself in a similar situation?

    And finally, you should force yourself to be 100% honest with this guy. Tell him how paranoid you are (maybe back that up with stories from your dating past that have made you not trust guys and why you thought what you thought). Maybe it is the case that he's looking on manhunt behind your back. If you're completely honest with him about your paranoia, maybe he will come around. If he isn't a little drama queen, he should recognize that you're making yourself vulnerable by telling the story and sympathize completely.

    There was this one time I dated a guy for a year, and he was a lot older. I didn't know how much older, so one day while he was downstairs and I was left alone upstairs with his wallet (this is when we first started dating). So I looked in his wallet at his ID, and found out he was born in 78, a full 10 years before me! I was so scared to tell him I had gone through his stuff, and we had talke about the age difference, but I was too scared to tell him what I did until several months later. Guess what. He didn't care! He laughed.

    Just be honest. If he's not a d-bag, he'll understand. He's been in relationships before.
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    Jan 17, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    fable saidIts the fact that he may or may not have been on manhunt and I'm not naive enough to think that he's going on manhunt "just to look" at guys.

    And if he did have an old Manhunt account, and he did wander in there one day 6 months ago, and he did look around, and he did flirt, and it boosted his ego a little for a short while, and then he left, never cheated on you, and never went back, is that a problem?
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    Jan 17, 2012 7:20 PM GMT
    I made a Grindr account when it first came out to see what it was like. They made it sound a little more "Social networking" Than it is in reality, at least around here.

    I got rid of it but I had to go see what it was to know it was somewhere I didn't belong.

    If it is not repeated behavior I wouldn't ruin your relationship over it.
  • Lawrencium

    Posts: 63

    Jan 18, 2012 3:19 AM GMT
    I think if you're with somebody, the manhunt, grindr and a4a gotsta go....if not, that's a deal breaker ladies.

    trusted my ex more than I have any other person and found out he had a grindr account......for "friends"....told him I wasn't cool with that. He "deleted" it. Welp, 7 months later I found out he had been "getting coffee" with some dudes from grindr which eventually progressed to dick sucking...SHOCKER!

    To be honest, now I kind of feel that if a guy doesn't delete his accounts on his own volition, then he's not worth keeping around....
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    Jan 18, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    Oh dude. Whatever you're doing - Whatever you're thinking - just take a step back and look at yourself. Your sabotaging your own relationship. What you're doing is unreasonable and crazy. I'm saying this with love.
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:38 AM GMT



    "I actually confronted him but only showed him the address bar, not the history. He admitted he used to have it (which im not bothered about) before we go together."

    It's very hard for me to advise you because I don't know the emotional parameters of your relationship when it comes to how you two talk to each other. My gut says to talk to him about your worries; if you can't share your worries with your partner then what is being your partner all about?

    -Doug
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:41 AM GMT
    Being like that your not going to be successful at an LTR. If you can't trust him now then what are you doing now?
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    I'll just tell you to stop worrying about the age difference.. if he was worried about it... he wouldn't be with you
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:43 AM GMT
    Ryan_Andrew saidBeing like that your not going to be successful at an LTR. If you can't trust him now then what are you doing now?



    I think trust is an ongoing process. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:49 AM GMT
    Nivek saidJust because someone looks around on a sight with hot guys does not mean he was cheating on you, or wanted to cheat on you. Sometimes its just a turn on to look at hot guys. I've dated guys who got jealous if I made lusty comments about the studs in the Gillette shaving commercial. Are you one of those jealous types?

    If you run around with a bundle of insecurities and fear of abandonment you will end up alone. I think you know this. You need to become more secure in yourself and less worried about what other people might be doing. Start by consciously letting go of destructive thoughts as soon as you realize you're indulging in them. A cognitive behavioural psychologist can help you with all of this.



    I agree with each point here. OP: Read this (and other similar advice here) three times, and stop playing junior detective. If anyone would spend time snooping on me, I'd lose respect for him PDQ. My b.f. and I sometimes check out a few hot guys in public, or in print, or t.v. or at a party - even on-line. This is healthy. We're totally into only each other. Eye candy is okay. We trust each other. We've each been around the block for a lot of years. We aren't going to do anything to screw up what we have in each other. But we aren't blind - and we can appreciate seeing other hot guys as well. At the end of the day though, we're with just each other.
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    Jan 18, 2012 12:31 PM GMT
    larse88 saidI think if you're with somebody, the manhunt, grindr and a4a gotsta go....if not, that's a deal breaker ladies.

    trusted my ex more than I have any other person and found out he had a grindr account......for "friends"....told him I wasn't cool with that. He "deleted" it. Welp, 7 months later I found out he had been "getting coffee" with some dudes from grindr which eventually progressed to dick sucking...SHOCKER!

    To be honest, now I kind of feel that if a guy doesn't delete his accounts on his own volition, then he's not worth keeping around....


    Yeah, drop him. Guys in real relationships rarely keep MH, A4A and other hookup profiles. The ones who do, are still hooking up. I'd drop him now, before he gives you an STD and then says "what did you expect, you knew I was online hooking up."
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jan 18, 2012 12:35 PM GMT
    Thanks guys, all very good replies. In the end I just talked to him and explained what I was freeling. He reasssured me and I believe him. He actually went to great lengths to prove that he hasn't been on the site for ages.

    In the end I guess it just came down to communication.
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    Jan 18, 2012 4:50 PM GMT
    fable saidThanks guys, all very good replies. In the end I just talked to him and explained what I was freeling. He reasssured me and I believe him. He actually went to great lengths to prove that he hasn't been on the site for ages.

    In the end I guess it just came down to communication.



    Bingo!

    *wink*

    warmly,

    -Doug